the end

[three hundred, sixty-five]

And they all lived happily ever after.

I'm going to live happily, that's for sure. I am a better person because of this project, because I stuck with it for the entire year, and because I opened my head and heart to these web pages. I like the way it feels to write something confusing and unique, something for me. I am individuality within my own head, so everyone can shove it if they don't like it. I'm not looking for compliments, I'm just looking for peace of mind.

If there was something lasting that I would like to leave this blog with, it is to put yourself out there. I said a lot of things in the past year here, I went through massive changes in my left, peoplke have gone and come, and will stay, and I intend on continuing to write intimate things elsewhere. I may post in the new year what my new blog is, but I may not. It was fun, amazing, enlightening, but it was a resolution. I will read over these and be proud of myself, because I did this for me.

No one else.

So thank you for reading (if you have) and thanks to this website that's been beaten and lyric-ed on, cried over and gushed on. Everything I've said here is honest and true, and full of love and passion and anything else I could muster. Thank you for the peace that has come here, and I wish you the best with your future. Don't ever forget that you're worth it, and I love you, and there are amazing things in your future. Don't forget that you are special, and to smile.

Always, always smile.

I like your face,

Jess :]

writing my titles before i start writing the blog was a good idea?

[three hundred, sixty-four]

Today is Christmas day. It was a very good day, despite the lack of sleep and disruptions last night. I've watched more movies with my family in the past two days than I have all year, and good happy meals, and conversations and laughs, which is impressive and surprising. Today was a good day, and we leave for Costa Rica in seven hours. I just want to relax and not worry about anything until the new year, and that is the plan.

I love Christmas because it brings together all kinds of emotions and moments that should happen year-round, but are confined to christmas. Family time, good meals, gifts, good music, dancing, laughter, every one of these things are important in my life. Christmas is important to me because I feel like smiling all day everyday. I don't need to be talked to or paid attention to, just a lovely little atmosphere to spend my time in.

When I grow up I am going to be the cheeriest Christmasteer of all, and just decorate, sing, and love my way through the holidays.

I hate that body image is a huge thing too, by the way. I eat healthy, but I treat myself. I'm not a sixe two, but I don't hate the way I look. Why don't more peopoe like the way I look?

I'm almost done.

love,

Jess :]

almost done my blog

[three hundred, SIXTY-THREE]

Restless and unsettled, no home, but comfortable and happy. I didn't fail my coursss, I actually did better than I wanted to somehow. I have amazing friends, a great family, a wonderful boyfriend, two houses, five homes, teddy bears and a big nice bed to sleep in. I have a beautiful trip tomorrow to Costa Rica to get tanned and relax and swim, and I just feel like regardless of the hard darkness that plagues me, I still need aviators to block out the light.

Because I'm badass.

I can't wait for the new batman movie, it's actually insane. Also, have you ever heard 'almost hear your sigh' by the rolling stones? Have I mentioned it before? It's my favourite. It is Christmas tomorrow morning and I don't think I will be able to sleep. I turn twenty in A MONTH from today and I am going to be old, but I am going to be happy.

When I grow up? I want to be happy.

So far relatively good, so I'm good with that. I think twenty will be a big deal, but at the same time I'm going to be embarking on a huge adventure. When I grow up I want to be an adventurer. I think I text too much, my new year's resolution is to rely less on my phone. I don't know how well that will be accomplished, but I am going to try!

Wow, I think Santa's about to arrive, I NEED TO SLEEP NOW OR HE WON'T BRING MY PRESNTS AND I WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS. I should write a christmas play and become famous like the guy who wrote the nutcracker, except more famous than him...since I don't know his name Lhehe. Wow, seriously, sleeping.

I am happy I only have two more blogs to write for this blog, and I am so proud of myself.

LOVE, ALWAYS,

JESS ]

love and joy

[three hundred, sixty-two]

lock me in your arms and let your heart
beat me to sleep,
my drowsiness clings to your breaths,
my arms cling to your dreams in fear of
being left alone in
fairytales that begin with something other
than once upon a time,
'cause you and i babe,
we begin with inbetween,
no prince, no princess, no interuptions,
only adventure clink adventure linked together
comfortably.

focus: him.

I love you.

always,

Jess :]

my boyfriend bought me socks for christmas

and they're actually amazing.

pthree hundred, sixty-one]

Sleigh bells are ringing, I can actually hear them, he's real it is true, he's here to bring presents for me and for you and if you tell me otherwise then it will only be true for me and not you!

I'd love to tell you that the darkness goes away. I think that for me, over my emotional rollercoaster over the past seven years through adolescence, boyfriends, highschool, surgeries, family, everything has just added up to a marble slab of a life that I am actually proud of. I do not regret anything since I learned from it and I have become the person I am because of it, but it has not all been roses, I haven't been strong forever, and I still have times where I'd rather just stay in the black.

But there is light. Come on, it's me, I can hardly swe, there are worse things and I know that nobody cares to hear that but your life does not suck, but it's funny because I knoew that the dark doesn't just come to the blind or the weak, it comes to strong, loving caring beautiful people who do not deserve it. It is hard to dig yourself out of the dark, and even though tunnel vision allows little light to come through it is still there, and it is bright, but the dark...comes back.

I know.

You need to find something, anything, someone, a hobby, love, anything, that will encourage you to embrace the light for the majority of the time. It is hard, and I still don't have a stable helper that gets me through, but I have little things. I wathc movies, the same ones, over and over and it helps so much. I blast music and sleep it off. I do massive amounts of yoga and meditating. I snuggle with good people. I call my mom and talk about the weather, and tons more that if one thing doesn't do it for me I move on to the next on my list, but even those don't work all the time.

So sit with the feeling. How terrible is that? Almost as bad as 'just jump off the cliff,' but I stand by this advice. Sit in your darkness, have a good long chat with it, understand it, and grow to dislike it, motivate yourself out of the cave, mobilize your shovel and start to get yourself out. If you need people, find them, they have shovels. My Reindeedr Club of Fabulous have glue guns for me, but I have a utility belt of shovels and lazer beams scotch tape bandaids positivity seeds anything anyone else needs.

I'm all ears, and love.

So don't be afraid to take a risk, but never think that the end of your life is before the actual end. what a easte.

love,

Jess :]

FIVE GOLDEN RINGS

[three hundred, sixty]

To Mac or to stay Pc? That is the question.

I have been a pc since..well, since computers were available, since I was tall enough to sit in the computer chair in like 1998 and type letters, but lately I've been feeling a change coming. It's the slowness, the breakdowns, the over heating, the everything. I want something sleeek, shiny, new.

But I hardly know anything about computers, and I do love my computer right now, it has character and is mine and it has been for nearly two years now, but it's not a Mac. I feel silly saying these things, but I think I'm ready. Just something smaller, compact, something that.. Well, I don't know, it seems cool. I'll have to try it out of course, but it sure would be interesting!

That's my debate lately, that's what is ruffling my feathers and is on my mind. I'd love to just go to the apple store and sit in there for an hour and play with one, see if it would fit for me, but I do not have the time. Maybe after the trip, that would be a fun afternoon! Any takers?

My life is so boring.

Jess :]

i think i can

[three hundred, fifty-nine]

I've never been so proud of Christopher Plumber than in The Sound of Music when he doesn't go off and become a nazi. It is lovely to rewatch this movie that I have seriously loved for over ten years and actually understand what is going on. It's a beautiful movie, the songs are absolutely incredible and I feel so good watching it. the best part? My dad does too.

That's something my dad and I share around christmas time, the movied, spirit, music, the Christmas mood. We both love to just immerse ourselves, and he is the jolliest man in my life around this time. Cooking the turkey this afternoon he had christmas carols and the football game on, and we had some rum and eggnog, and laughed because we do this glass of eggnog thing every year, but this year was the first time with rum.

I think in my house today there has been more love and smiles and caring than there has been in a long time. I was worried about today and tonight, and it turned out really good. this is a weird holiday for us with the big trip tomorrow night, but it has been a good holiday so far for our family, and that makes me smile. We needed this.

So I hope everyone else is having a lovely Christmas eve, fortunately I suppose I have to write about six more blogs after this either tonight or tomorrow. I'm thinking I can write one more tonight, and five tomorrow. What I am going to write about is a mystery to me at the moment as I've been having trouble writing more than one in one day for a long time, not to mention five. So hopefully that goes well, I'll try my best! I must finish it!

Take care, and Merry Christmas,

love,

Jess :]

ode to forever

[three hundred, fifty-eight]

Pay attention, smile lots, drink in moderation, dance, take risks, don't forget to laugh at the jokes, take breaks and watch tv, take breaks and watch movies, take breaks and drink lattes, take breaks to be with friends, write, write poetry in notebooks, love everybody always, drink tea, run in the apartment, giggle.

Get scared, cry sometimes, talk about emotions, talk about boys, talk about love, let yourself be disappointed, get angry, get frustrated with the world, be upset, be negative sometimes but always finish positive, tweet, support your friends, make friends, don't be afraid to let go, believe in something anything at all, jump on beds, fall, get back up, sing loudly and out of tune, cry...from laughing.

Check the time, check the weather, say hello to strangers, make forts, be silly, be weird, be funny, it's okay to not be okay sometimes, let people care about you, take care of you, and support you. Care about people devotedly. Treat yourself, smile often.

Rules I live by (or try to) that I think are important. I have so many more blogs to write that I think I'm going to be done for a while so I can go and enjoy a Christmas film with my brother, so have a lovely evening, chat tomorrow.

love,

Jess :]

drained to the brim

[three hundred, fifty-seven[

out of everyone I see I see yours,
and your smile like bright flashing radiance,
glowing girl, take it in and hold it,
it is yours to keep,
and the people who blame,
or confuse or hail and strike,
they don't got nothin' on that blooming bright
smile of yours, to me you
are golden,
to me your stars are tight knit and kept solid,
stable, and I know,
that although your pin stands alone,
I hold a box full of other pins,
dull pins,
waiting for you to shed the light,
so carry on, don't lose a grip or slip,
because I know and we know that you know,
that there is more sight in all this gray
than anything they
can see.

focus: astract for jude

cause she's worth it, as is everyone, take a minute and appreciate the ones who are important to you and realise you are important to them.
love always,

JEss :[

trust me

[three hundred, fifty-six]

On this Harry Potter website that I have been signed up on since 2006, HPANA, there is an area for this, this is my latest one.

Dear JK Rowling,

If you ever read this, and I have faith that you may, I would just like to thank you. there are so many other peopole on here thanking you, and thanking you, and telling you how incredible you are as a person, author, mother, and overall bearer or fiction. I would like to thank you for creating a world in which I could outlet my own life, could create new people new imaginings, could be inspired to write my detailed writings as I tend to do, and allowing me to believe in something, someone, and a life that is worth living in. You provided me with best friends when I had none, you gave me passion when I was lost in confusion, you brightened my adolescence, teenage years, and future so that not only could I see, but I could be.

If anything, I would like to tell you that this entire franchise, these books, helped shape the person I am today, and will continue to do so until...well there is no until. I cannot thank you enough for the things you have done for me, and my friends, and my virtual friends and my characters, my self esteem, my third grade self wandering the playground alone and ending up sitting under teh trees reading Chamber of Secrets wondering if there were dungeons under my school, and starting to write. You gave me my pen, and I won't let you down.

I'm going to fly with it.

So thank you, and please do not stop writing. For me, and for everyone else who needs it. But please stop writing about Harry, he's done now.

love always,

Jessica D. W. {Richards, Gryffindor/Slytherin, birch, fawn mane 10 inches)

new

[three hundred, fifty-five]

A good friend of mine brought up something that no one will be surprised to hear that I'm going to look into, and that is humanism. I believe in a lot of things, but the most popular of my beliefs is people. What better way to relish in them more than focusing on a philosophy that doesn't seem like a fiction novel!

I'd like to look more into this humanism thing because I feel like there needs to be something good somewhere. People have to donate to some charities, some people have to go on mission trips, people have to love, love love love is all we need. Why can't everybody just love everybody?

Why can't the other Governments loan Africa some money? I asked this question in my own naivete a while ago, a long while ago, and obviously now I realise it is not so easy, but I want to believe that there aren't just terrible people out there who are powerhungry, not that I'm endorsing any Freudian bs but there has to be some reason, some fix. People are not unfixable, I don't give up on anybody and that is a pedge because I just know that there is some good in everyone, you have to atleast try.

So maybe not by the end of this blog, but on my new blog I will be sure to expand more on my policy of love, and my strong belief in the natures of people, and their goodness, and that everyone has the capability to smile. So smile today, and take a second to give a little lovin', it is well deserved.

love,

Jess :]

toying

[three hundred, fifty-four]

permeate good will
with joy and familiarity,
infinite peace surrounds you
in love

focus: a special mug for a special lady.

I am so incredibly behind on blogs it's insane, since I have to finish them before I leave on Sunday. It's Christmas eve tomorrow! So I've been having christmas visits with lots of people lately, and it has been rather exciting being in the spirit and revelling in the fact that it is in fact christmas, not just the lead up to it anymore. I love this time of year, because everyone is so in love. Any season that brings the goodness and heartwarming aspects of people is a good one! I am going to write maybe two more blogs and then I'm off to start packing!

LOVE

JESS :]

- - -

[three hundred, fifty-three]

I want a big girl bag, one that can hold all of my big girl things. The pocket mirror and matching lipstick don't fit into these teenage things, I think it's time for a big girl bag. My big girl bag should fit right in with my big girl bed and big girl shoes, it could have a place in my big girl room away from my old home. It could come with me on my big girl adventures, 'cause I'm ready for those now. My big girl bag is what would help me be a good big girl.

I'd really like a new bag, one of those nice ones that go over your shoulder and can hold things and aren't junky or old or anything, just classy. I want to be like Jackie O, just an ex-first lady aging stylishly. I want to age now, I'm sort of sick of being in this weird inbetween. I turn twenty in about a month, that should be an interesting transition. I will be a big girl. So, naturally, I need the damn bag.

It's becoming a security blanket for me, since I don't feel like I really have a place where I belog I've started placing merit on the things I bring with me. My teddy bear isabelle, my makeup carrying case, this snowflake that I bring everywhere and the charms on my keys. I have these two key chains that my grampa has given me for good luck that I bring to every surgery, every big thing that I'd need luck for, and it's comforting.

I'd like a big girl bag so that I could have something to put all of these things in and not look like a little girl anymore. Somethine to help me put myself together.

Jess :]

repeat the sounding joy

[three hundred, fifty-two]

Around this time last year I wrote a blog named the same as this one, and I can't remember what I said in it but I know it was about the upcoming blog project. At the end of this year, I will have written 365 posts, and I will have accomplished a new year's resolution. This is a first for me, and I would like to continue doing these accomplishments. The wuestion remains, however, what will the next project be?

I am going to start another blog, and post occaisionally, once or twice a week or whenever I feel like it. That's a more casual commitment, but I will have to wait to makke it until I'm back from my trip so that should be exciting. This is the constructive writing that I like, working on things, look at my lovely grammar.

Anyways, this is the beginning of my end blogs since I'm going to be out of the country for the end of the month I'm writing them all beforehand. I can do this! Expect four more today!

take care,

Jess :]

just about endings

[three hundred, fifty-one[

It has been a weekend and beginning of the week for Christmas, and the rest of the week follows suit. Despite being cold and mildly didappointed with the lack of snowy weather, it has been incredible. the nutcracker was good, ballet was nice old lady calling me 'babydoll' was even better. I've never been so happy and relaxed, just cosy and being read to by my incredible best friend. Whom I love, baby.

I'm listening to baby its cold outside, half dressed, figuring out what to wear as my nails clip loudly against the keys I am realising that this blog is actually ending. I never thought I'd get here, and once it's over I'm going to have to make some decisions about the follow up blogs going to be created. I hope everyone is doing well.

The other day at the Eaton centre we were leaving our table after the biggest lunch, smiling, going off to look for the big swarovski tree, and two ladies asked if we were leaving and ewre grateful to hear that we were. I know from experience that finding a table in the food court at the Eaton centre is impossible, which was why I sat alone for twenty minutes as the boy got lunch because we had snagged that table in fear of losing it. I smiled and said no worries to the ladies with their lunches and addded, "Merry Christmas."

This is the time of year that I can use that excuse for being so happy, but in reality I need something else to say cheerfully to people the rest of the year. Whyy does this time of year bring out the best and worst out of people? It is mind-boggling to think that scrooges exist. Everyone should just love, all the time.

Why am I so cheery sometimes? I think it's this bubble I surround my head in, the world isn't always great and not everything turns out peachy, but atleast some lovely people eist. I hope everyone has a nice night! It feels like a saturday to me and I don't know why. I think I'll write two posts tomorrow to catch up!

LOVE,

JESS :]

ordinary orbit

[three hundred, fifty]

we live in a q-tip world,
if any nation gets too far involved
it hurts too much,
and they pull out and gasp,

i had a dream the other night,
or maybe it wasn't a dream,
but,
it was sort of like empty heads,
empty bulbs that should shine bright,
and yet they sit in their series, lifeless,
what season is this?

high-definition nations with bright smiles,
and dull eyes, blind eyes,
a disease in disguise.

focus: i wrote this in the shower.

Jess :]

pre-existing song titles of yore

[three hundred, forty-nine]

I got fake nails today, they hurt like hell to type but they are so pretty. I want them to not hurt anymore. I've had the best day, of just neverending luahgter and goodness. I feel like I need to do some yoga to finish it all off, but I may put it off until the morning because I am so wiped and the next couple of days aren't going to help at all.

I knit an entire scarf tonight. Win.

Tomorrow is my first family christmas of the year and it is also the first time a boyfriend will ever be with my family at christmas. I want to go now, and share this with him, because this is important to me. I can't wait to see my family, and hug them and tell them I love them. I don't tell everyone that I love them enough, so that's something I am going to change this year.

My new New Year's Resolutions are to tell everyone whom I love that I love them more often, to do yoga on a regular basis, to write properly mnore often, and to be comfortable in my own skin. Not big orders, but the little things that I know I need. I hope everyone has resolutions as attainable and beneficial this year!

My nails hurt, I'm going to go watch a movie and sleep. This seems to be the latest thing I do, watch movies and sleep...like I always do. Just a different way less comfortable bed is the setting.

And I'm more tired, relaxed and happy.

love,

Jess \:]

waits for you

[three hundred, forty-eight]

If there is no snow for Christmas I will be thoroughly disappointed. Next Wednesday I am going to have an insane amount of blog writing to do, as I will be pre-writing for the end of the project and catching up since I will be away for a couple of days. What a silly time to end this thing, I am really going to miss it.

Picnics are such peculiar things. We spend our lives spending money on furniture to disregard it and eat outside on the grass. I think that the problem with our society is there is too much emphasis on the materials and not enough on the experience, but that's obvious observations.

What isn't obvious is the peculiarity that picnics are. If you see someone in the park in the pouring rain having a picnic, they're deemed weird. Understandable, it's wet and cold go inside you idiot. But what if they just like they're meals wet? Let the crackheads have their crack. Who is anyone to tell anyone else what to do with their life?

Mad.

The world is mad, and the world is beautiful, and the world is simple and long and circular and transparent. The world is blue, or turqoise I guess. the world is small. The world needs more love in it, a love-infuser, that's sort of cute. For Christmas I'm going to get the world a love-infuser, or well enrich the ones that I love with more love, and that'll be enough difference for me.

Take care,

Jess :]

alright now i'm back

[three hundred, forty-seven]

I arrived home today, carried and piled all of my things in my room, went out for lunch with my parents, went shopping with my mom, hung out with my siblings, watched my brother skate, wrapped christmas presents with my sister, partially cleaned my room, found a blanket and now I'm in bed. It's been a relatively busy moving in/out day for the holidays. I love being home.

It's raining, which isn't snowing, which is irritating. I think I've taken snow for granted over the past nineteen years, and I miss it. Christmas isn't christmas without snow.

I seriously almost fell asleep on my computer, I'm typing this from bed so I took a little break from the awkward position and almost fell asleep. I don't think I ate enough today to compensate for all of the running around I did, I'll have to be better for the next couple of days because it's going to be insanely busy.

Bit that's the holidays. People don't take the time for a cup of tea or a breather and just keep going, while on their way to running out of steam. If anything this is the time to destress, but it always seems the most stressful. Why take for granted this beautiful, joyous time of the year? Taking things for granted is overrated, I'd rather enjoy life.

So take a second this season to just breathe, and smile, and witness the love that happens this time of year. It's everywhere.. City sidewalks, busy sidewalks... I am so excited for the next two weeks it's incredible. why is excitement so profound to me? It's that one emotion that makes my heart skip a beat, skip two, and then finally I can fit perfectly into the puzzle that everyone fits into, the buzz, the sanity, the clicking that everyone feels when they feel like they understand their purpose to be here. I've given so many hugs today it's ridiculous.

I wish I still had the capability to write things that made me feel good about writing, maybe tomorrow

love,

Jses :]

a quickie

[three hundred, forty-six]

I finished exams today, I get to go home in the morning. I don't have much to say, other than I am happy and am just ready to go home and relax and not have to worry about packing or cleaning or anything just snuiggling with my family and christmas. I want to be home now, please and thankyou.

love

Jess :]

i hope you're not lonely, without me

[three hundred, forty-five]

Twenty days left. I am going to be so lost. On the other hand, I feel like I just have more motivation to continue writing for me after this. I need to be better, I need to, and I'm going to. I hardly do anything without trying and giving it my all, but I'm going to have to find some more all in the back corners of my perserverance (is that how you spell that? you get it). I wish it was the break now, two exams in twelve hours should be interesting, atleast I can sleep between them.

Then I'm dancing for two hours straight, just in celebration and that I made it through. This was my first semester with a full courseload, and it clearly showed how shit I am at handling everything. this holiday I'm reading resources and continuing to write academic papers, because if I stop I won't get through. I know this, and I'm just going to get better, there's only up from here. I sound like Shania Twain.

I should be studying a little bit right now, but it's so hard to study for something that is so subjective. Why am I in english? Why am I collectively questioning everything latgely? I am having an individual period of enlightenment that has struck onto my being like lazer tag, pinned me down, and now I'm here. Questioning why I do the things I do, why haven't i brushed my teeth yet? Because Eddie Vedder came on and I needed to write.

I am going to turn on my final friends dvd and read over my children's literature notes. I haven't been doing so hot in that class, as my other english classes also reflect that I feel like I can do so much better. I'm realising the kind of person I want to be, and how to get there. I am reworking my mindset so that I am going to be okay. I love jazz.

So have a wonderful day, my next post will be an insane blurb about how happy I am to be on holiday. I get about a month off for chritmas (yeah d, it's appropriate) and I can read books again and catch up on tv, and be with the people I love.

Take care, and good luck!

Jess :]

snickersbars

[three hundred, forty-four]

frost covered grass, I'm missing my White Christmases,
my Snow that ain't so neat and tidy,
chopped down trees, plastic, of course,
environmentally friendly Christmas for us,
and it's a tall tree, spiked,
it doesn't smell like Christmas today, just Febreeze,
and the cold air,
and...stress.

Focus: Can I finish these damn exams yet?


I have one tomorrow evening and one Tuesday morning, so, Tuesday's blog will be fantabulous. Boy, am I excited. I would quite enjoy a hot tea right now.. Maybe I'll write one, or hug somebody. Anyone need a hug?

Hug your knees for me, I'll be there soon.

I'm on my way,

Jess :]

beached whale

[three hundred, forty-three]

I don't care about the physicality of my friends. I don't care if they're stick thin (unless...scarilly thin) or if there's more to love, to be perfectly honest (ha-ha) I don't even notice. If you are a caring, loving, hilarious person there is no point. My best friend and I have never really talked about body image or how we feel about it (with a few exceptions, minor of course) but we've never had any conflict no nothing about how we see eachother. We just love one another for who we have been over the last twelve years.

I love life, I love eating desserts and chips with my boyfriend at three in the morning, and drinking hot chocolates and laying around all day. I love yoga, and peppers, and tofu and hummus but I also love steak and mashed potatoes and apple pie. Gramma's brownies that are a little overcooked with the weird chocolate icing. I am making a decision, right this very typed moment.

I am making the decision to enjoy life. If I feel like I need to, go work out for a bit, I'll be consistant, I'm doing yoga next semester, but if I want to I'm going to have a real coke or macdonalds, whatever. It's my life, I put good things into it (peehehehehehehe) on a daily basis, if once in a while I want to live life like it's ending tomorrow, I'm allowed to.

Given the circumstances of the past five years, I love everybody because of their support and their kindness and their love for me, and that means more to me than a number on a scale, or a size on clothing. I'd rather be fat and happy than sad and skinny. If my goal in life is to achieve happiness for me and the ones around me then I am going to need a helluva lot of cupcakes, and they will be decorated with icing and delicious.

I'll eat the damn cake if I want to, thanks.

I needed this today I think, I haven't been feeling well a little sick of something, I've been feeling dizzy and disoriented. I think I need more water. Exams have thrown me off of my eating and drinking properly. I don't get hungry and I just forget about drinking anything sometimes. I need a reminder written on my hand or something, GIVE BODY FUEL. It needs fuel, you know, to do all the great things that are in store.

I love the sound of my keyboard when I type fast and it makes all those clunking thing noises and I can just listen and type whatever and know that things are happening... I need a new computer.

So I hope everyone has a lovely Saturday evening, I am having a great one cleaning and wrapping christmas presents, taking a break from studying (sort of, I've looked through my chlldren's literature authors a couple of times, re-organising my thoughts away from theatre/postcolonial and focusing on children's lit and theatre tech, bleck). Only THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL I CAN RELAX. FOUR UNTIL I GO HOME, AND SEVEN UNTIL I SEE MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN. THEN THERE'S FOURTEEN UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Am I the only person in the world who counts down to christmas eve? Why is christmas only one day? WHAT?!

Anyways, take care!

Jess :]

he digs me,

[three hundred, forty-two]

I pledge to work my ass off next semester (not like I have been already or anything) but just a lot more apparently. I'm going to read and write all Christmas break (or read, for some of it) and I am going to make it, and be proud of the things I do, and not worry about what other people have done and are doing. I'm going to be positive and smart and funny and pretty and do yoga and dirnk tea.

I am not going to worry about the way I look, and even though I will I am going to pretend like I'm not, and love who I am, because I am me and I am okay with that.

Tomorrow is my second exam and I am nervous but I feel like I'm ready, I am going to take my time and actually take it since I always have enough time but I rush because I am nervous. I will not do this tomorrow because it is important that I take my time. I can do this.

Breathe,

I can do this. Stan kicks the ball. The ball rolls towards Stan. Stan picks up the ball. The ball is heavy in Stan's hands. Stan feels that the ball is heavy in his hands. Stan throws the ball. The ball rolls away from Stan.

I can do this, I can do this. Why am I such a mundane twit? Purse needs to be packed, shower, dance do yoga eat something water water sleep, alarm, alarm is on sleep. I am prepared and breathing look I'm breathing.

What the hell am I doing, writing a play? Reality theatre get out of my head, I want to read the book on theatre of the extreme that I picked up today, and then tomorrow I am going to spend a half hour looking for a new play and a mythology poetry book that I am bringing home for Christmas break. Those, my writing handbook and my new poetry books. And Vogue, quality reading, I want my picturebooks by my side.

Breathe,

tomorrow is just like any other day, any other eight thirty day stay awake don't get headache breathe breathe and just, do it. Get er done. Get shit done. Do this.

I have to because I love the way things are sometimes but tomorrow should be good this time tomorrow I'll be scheduling studying for Sunday and then drinking hot chocolate in my jammies, or dancing, probably both? Probably.

I'm a jammie dancer, and a qualified jumping-onthe-bed....er.

TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK,

JESS :]

[THREE HUNDRED, FORTY ONE]

Oh no, caps lock was on. I always have caps lock on sometimes it is just a comfort. I missed a comma in that last sentence. I am going insane.

I spent five minutes eating cake icing today, and then another five filling up my already full water bottle. I want to make lists and lists of things I want to do but probably will never get to. I don't want to study these things anymore, I want to sleep and write, sleep and write, sleep, exam, write, sleep, exam, write. I want to write poetry that means something to me, but anything that comes to my head

the finality in punctuation is
only, well, it only a stroke long,
a breath, right? in theatre we breathe,
after,
comma's.

And the break comes in, where we would like to breathe, but we look at those
breaths, and laugh.

I don't write poetry for anyone else, I don't write anything for anyone else. This blog has been for me from the beginning, so has my tumblr, and I feel like pretentious people like to write things that other people will reblog, or retweet, or talk about. I write/reblog/tweet things that are meaningful for me for me. Social media is overrated in the sharing aspect of it all.

Then what's the point?

I'm studying for a historical theatre exam right now, and we read an essay on a lady named Curzon who wrote a play about Laura Secord being so entrenched in patriarchal ideologies that although amongst the cultural chaos of our society she seems like a hard ass feminist, but in reality Curzon (and Derkson, who wrote the essay) are arguing that although Sexord was being subversive, she was still manifested within her male-oriented society. So, Curzon wrote this closet drama play, this poetic device of verses that is a play but is not intended to ever be performed, only critiqued and read. What is the point?

Derksen argues that it isn't worth being critiqued. What is the point then? what does it do for our identity as a national theatre in Canada if it does nothing for us? I have a feeling I may be asked this or something along these lines tomorrow morning in my exam, and to be honest, I don't know the correct answer.

Why write things so they will not be shared?

My answer is that it is more meaningful to my peace of mind than to anyone elses. It allows me to expand my acknowledgement of vibrance and love and thinking. I think Curzon wrote it to be subversive. Laura Seord the character takes on the active male roles that would have been given to her husband if he were able to perform them, and just does her duty in a domestic state. She does not do it for the nation, for her marginalized skin colour, she did it because she had to. It takes a real woman to step up and do what is expected of her regardless of the overtones imprisoning her. Canada sees her as a symbol for light within the terms and war she was involved in, when really she just did her job.

So what's so important about her then? She was a woman, sure, but she wasn't recognised as such within the context. The entire content of this course has been how history is written in hindsight; looking back world war two is world war two because the first great war is recognised as world war one. Otherwise, we wouldn't have anythning to go off of. So in hindsight, Laura Secord was pinacle and a catalyst (for some) for the feminist movement, therefore becoming an obviuos point for a playwright like Curzon to shape a feminist policy narrative play about. During the time that she actually did the acts, however, it was no less subversive than a coffee carista running the cash register because the cash guy went on a smoke break.

I can't remember what I was talking about, I just formed this blog into studying for my exam tomorrow. So really welcome to my head for the past couple of days. Except rambling on postcolonial bullshit tomorrow, children's literature sunday and technical theatre on monday. Maybe saturday you'll get a break from my insanity.

I doubt it, somehow.

I've been trying to keep a relatively stable morale. I don't usually get too stresed out nuless it's an exam that I don't know what to expect. The exams this year have had reviews and all of that kind of thing so I don't feel unprepared, just nervous. I want to curl up in my bed and drink hot chocolate and watch friends with my sissy, and giggle until we fall asleep. I want to go home, terribly. I want to just get away from the stress for a bit, until I come back in January and are thrown back into it. I am going to miss this blog, and rambling.

Take care,

Jess :[

bring me back, follow me through, i'll hold your hand too

[three hundred, forty]

I'm almost done. I say that for a couple of things, exams, this blog, being a teenager, all of these things are coming to an end. I hate goodbyes, I hate finishing things because then I am just lost on what I'm supposed to be doing next. I'm going to be twenty in just over a month, I won't know what to think of that until it catches up with me. I'm actually an old person now.

I'm naive and I am okay with that.

I want birds, or a pet that isn't just a singular fish. I think it would be nice to have a dog that I could cuddle up with and love, something that I could devote my attention to. I've been a little lonely lately, the fish isn't quite doing it for me, and my friends are here but everyone's busy and preoccupied with exams so it's like I'm just sitting here everynight alone. Alone in the clutches of the darkness and my blankie.

And my computer screen. Why do I start sentences with and? I think that I need some sort of constructive common hobby that isn't technology based. My blog, tumblr, texting, everything seems to be counterproductive to the fact that I'd like to increase my capabilities as opposed to enhancing the ones that I am relatively okay at.

I like knitting, so I'm working on that one sometimes. But I need something new, something devotional and beautiful and fun. Something I can really sink my teeth into. I am in need of something extremely new, fresh. I need something that I am going to want to take a break to do, instead of just having to do it.

I am beginning to accept the fact that this blog will be over soon, and I am going to miss it. I am going to miss my stupid random ramblings, the fact that it really isn't a real blog since there isn't a common theme or anything excting or interesting. These have been for me, my little mind splatters for me to read over and get confused by.

Here is a poem that I wrote in five seconds yesterday:


it's a soft tone, really
that speaks to us, squeeks in the cracks,
the hot plate of life sizzles underneath us all,
and we teach eachother most of what we know,
sometimes you just need a little sun-dried emphasis on
you, a little baked-thin breeze for a breath of fresh air,
and a little time taken for titters of laughter,
all in the midst of a hot dark night.

sometimes I really like my work, other times I don't. This is a time where I did love what I wrote.

Love always,

Jess :]

watching to forget, thinking to forget

[three hundred, thirty-nine]

Sixteen days left? What?

triathalon of jumping jacks sometimes are too much
to handle, too much to think about in one serving,
one mouth full of activity,
swelling with drink and ale and bumper sticker sickness,
and illness that infects everybody it pokes everybody,
everybody's jacks are jumped and hearts have beaten,
so they sit down with their knife and fork and spoons,
their patriarchal heads of tables,
heads on backward staring, seeking aquaintence,
acknowledgement in the other's eyes,
demanding atteniton craving the silence that isn't there,
their thirst for more, their working for a common goal,
the worker's together under civilization,
underground under the jacks and the jills,
the windowsills,
sometimes it takes a two four six eight kind of mind,
that single serving of switchboard memories,
to just take into account the feelings one gets when
they turn on
the television,
but turn it off,
during
dinner.

focus: I'm thinking some dinner politics here, but I certainly have no idea.

I think it is important to take into consideration the fact that not everybody in the world eats a sit down meal with their family every evening. It is customary in our family to have famjam dinners, so I am used to it. I am used to serving sizes being compared and the televsion being on most days, or Sundays with Nascar or other days with movies or the news, somedays just the radio so we can listen and cry and cheers ching chink, celebrations sometimes. And sometimes we don't talk at all, those are the weird days. It seems like everyday there is always something irking the family, something that is underneath, undergr the ground of our family features the hierarchy of the heads of the tables the parentals the patriarchal battles, the pants in the family, the physical activity the exhaustion... Everything, except for creativity is allowed at our dinner table, sometimes. I think it isn't fair when he has his spoon on his nose, he should be able to express his laughter and stories any way he wants.

Have a good dinner, tonight, and appreciate the conversation. Regardless if it's with yourself or anyone, that is a simple joy in life that we take for granted.


cheers,

Jess :[

it's so funny that, when we, just, that

[three hundred, thirty-eight]

I don't feel like talking a lot tonight. I'm tired, my eyes are starting to really hurt, and I have an even longer studying day on campus tomorrow... It was snowing today, so that's nice, I feel like if it doesn't stick to the ground soon I'm going to flip out. this week is hard enough without snow, my mentality and morale is low, I need some kind of pick-me-up. But studying seems to be going well lately, which makes me feel nice. I hate it when I try to sleep and people are loud. I think that if anyone out there is studying this week they should make nonstop hot chocolates, it's the best way to get through...seriously. I think that the chocolate puts a little pep into an otherwise dreary day. I like it when people smile, smiling's my favourite. I miss my family and my small bed at home and my room, and my christmas tree and watching christmas specials with my family. Ten days until I go home.

This blog is almost done....... I don't know what I'm going to do without it. What will it do without me?

Percellate, probably, steep itself, and then be drank, or dry up before someone gets there.

If anything, I hope you continue to read blogs, not mine or this one obviously... I'm thinking about starting an entirely new one for next year, one that isn't as stringent, but allows me to be creative and rant and write poetry. I love this blog, so much, it has allowed me to expand a lot over the past year. I have fallen back in love with writing, just for me.

And me only.

love,

Jess :]

its snowing

PTHREE HUNDRED, THIRTY-SEVEN]

wow that was in caps, but the message is clear! It is snowing outside, and I am stuck inside studying for an exam that I have to try to be confident about. I'm confident about nothing I just smile because if you look like you know what you're doing, it usually pulls off. Not in this class. Not ever in this class. I want to cry.

I think the thing that gets me the most is that I feel like I'm not smart because of it. I work so hard, I try my best, and still come up short. I feel like I actually can't get any better if I try my best, and I have been trying, and doing, the best that I can. I am trying desperately to improve...

For Saturday. the day from Hell.

I want to go to sleep, but I can't until I've finished and then calmed down. I don't sleep well during exams because my head doesn't stop, so I try to take measures to allow myself to slow down. It hasn't been working, and my exams don't start until friday. I'm doing my best.

I'm doing my best.

I'm doing my best.

Over and over, doing my best, the best, my, me, my best.

And yet, I am still falling short.

Jess

hunt down the deadliest hurts

[three hundred, thirty-six]

This is going to be short because I should be studying but I was having trouble finding articles online so now I'm writing this. I sort of have to pee, but I'm going to wait until I really have to. I have to eat the chocolate from my advent calendor, it is a constant adventure finding the correct chocolates to open, I really am a success story, you know.

My computer is really hot and I'm hoping that it doesn't overheat, so I'm thinking about turning it off. I wanted to talk a little bit about Christmas.

Just for a paragraph or two. I don't care about the materials, it's the experience and substance that matters to me. I'd rather spend the day spending nothing but time with someone, rather than pay for things or do things that may be meaningful, but are still just things. We all just have things. Things. They aren't eachother, they aren't what the symbolize, it's the thoughts and meanings we apply to these things that make them meaningful. Strip away the physical thing and you have the meaning. It's irritating when some people have nothing but things.. And hardly any meanings.

Christmas to me is not about things. It's about the smiles exchanged, and the laughter and the love that overpowers during this time of year. Grinches are alone for a reason, and that is because although they may be smart, independently driven people, they have no value for substance. Take a look at your christmas shopping list, and think of who will actually use or find meaning in what you're giving them. I know a couple people that I'm buying for that... Well, if I give them anything chances are they won't remember who gave it to them in a year or two.

How depressing is that? And I am culprit to this, since I don't remember sometimes who gave me what. But meaning is something I apply to the special things. I attribute a signifigant thought or memory to everything, therefore claiming to memory importance and love and substance... I don't do this for everything, but most things.

I challenge you this christmas to take the time to appreciate the effort put into things that happen along the holidays. Dinners, conversations, laughs, hugs, beverages, decorating. Everything that is not a "thing." but a "something meaningful." They're the best part, really.

Love,

Jess :]

le big mac'

[three hundred, thirty-five]

You know what's fantastic? The fact that everything in life sort of fits together, but at the same time distance and juissance take over and everything muddles and makes no sense. Why is everything so unsettling? I never feel competely safe. I think it's a part of my mentality that disregards the positivity I need in myself sometimes. I'm trying.

I wear socks because my feet get dry in the winter. It really hurts my feet, somedays I just feel like crying. Why is it unacceptable socially to cry? Why am I a crybaby because when I cry I cry for joy or sadness or pain, or for other people, or just because a time like this happens where I feel like I just need to.

I just need that release.

I'm listening to on my own from les mis, and I'm tired, and I'm trying to be positive and drink in the sunshine bs but I've seriously decided on trying to work my ass off to be better. It's going to be exhausting and I'll probably burn out, but what else can I do? I guess nothing.

I love him, but everyday I'm learning, that all my life, I've only been pretending, without me, his world will go on turning, a world that's full of happiness that I have never known.

I hope everyone is having a lovely evening, I made leaps and bounds with christmas presents today! Thinking about the end goal: Christmas holidays. I've got to get there.

love,

Jess :]

late

[three hundred, thirty-four]

Still need to write three posts today, man, oh man, man.

What's the difference of a disease?
One that drips down the back of your throat,
sticking to your insides and throttling your breaths,
Or something that sinks in, slips into your brain and
covers you whole.
What is it with things that we can't see,
and their ability to cast a shadow over our life,
maybe not a shadow, no,
but something more crippling, something unseen
unheard, but completely powerful,
something that we believe is true for science,
and medical research,
but documents and signatures are painful when it comes to
a body, a body full of life
being vacuumed of fluid and being,
so that the survival rates maintain,
and our world keeps believing in the unseen.

focus: i dunno, I'm sort of in the mood for poetry lately, I'm in the middle of mark twain's war prayer, and it's making me want to rhyme,......but....I can't, so, I just sort of write things down, this is obviously not finished, it is basically just thinking of connections. Most of what I write is never full thought, but fragments, because what is the finished product to anyone right now anyway?

love,

Jess :]

so behind and no catching up

[three hundred, thirty-three]

This is the first out of three blogs that I need to catch up on, and I estimate that I'll get only one more done today, so I will DEFINITELY right two tomorrow. I always feel so bad when I'm behind on blogs, especially since there are no more classes. This means blogs will be my breaks from studying and therefore a good release. I don't know how creative they will be, but they will be here nonetheless.

Studying is about to be upon me, and I am nervous because I have a feeling that although it seems like I have a lot of time, I do not. I want to still have fun this weekend since classes are done, but I have four exams, and I am worried. Really worried. I think that it's best if I time manage my butt off for this weekend especially, to get everything ready that I need to in order to be successful in studying.

I have a bag full of library books behind me, and money in my pocket for brunch and dinner, and I am dressed and just need to brush my teeth really and then I'm off to campus for appointments. I have such a busy day, I wish that I had slept in a little longer, but what can ya do? I ate my advent calendor chocolates today, I've never been so excited that it's actually on a countodnw now. Christmas.

It's the best time of the year, you know, and I get to spend it with the incredible people that I love, and I am so excited. I am literally five presents away from being finished christmas shopping. The only presents left to do are ones that I have to make: three scarves and two different but special ones. I need to get going on those...

I had an epiphany today: I like the way I look. Weird, but I think I just want to be okay in my own skin, and that if this is how it's going to be, I'm going to love it, because I can't do much about it, and well, whoever I end up with and surround myself with is going to have to get used to me too, and love me for what I am. So here I am world, open for hugs.

Take care,

JEss :]

class soon, and i'm camped out

[three hundred, thirty-two]

The chances of me writing another blog today are slim, so, two tomorrow I promise! Which will be easy, it's the last day of class! I'm doing a talk today about the low vision kids and things and I'm nervous, and then I'm heading to my biogirls' place for gingerbread making!

I'm in a weird mood again. I'm uncomfortable and I feel like nothing's ending, not even exams will end this feeling. I'm not stressed, I'm just tired. Tired of being me, I think, tired of having to deal with everything that I think. I'm tired of my thinking mind, I like my dreaming mind a lot better. I'm reverting back to my dream-crave state, where I want to make up a different story for me in my head..

Freud would tell me there's something wrong with this subconscious dreaming that is a bigger problem in my life, but I'm a poststructuralist, there's no being, I'm just a body.

I think it'd be wonderful for society to be less materialistic and more focused on happiness and love and all that bs, I don't know what to think anymore. Instability of thought rules my life lately.

Jess

I'm hung up on you

[three hundred, thirty-one]

believably unbearable living in a surefire existence, it'd be reassuring to know the extension of lightyears, the measurement of forever, and the drastic drop below. what to expect, really, that is what we want to know. the atmosphere clearly doesn't allow room to grow, or experience, just a place to live out the workings that pre-determine our existence, our fate, but we define those through our livings. why can't the rain stop pelting and the work stop piling so that our heads can't keep above water.

I'm hungry, and I'm tired, and I'm uncomfortable and not feeling well. I think I have a headache and my ankle still hurts a lot. I overplanned this week I didn't even give myself a break... Just, too much, too much. I don't even have school work to do, just other things, my life is a single shelf full of books held together by two sturdy bookends, and the books are held so tightly together whenever I try toto take something off it won't budge, it's too important to fall, so I stand underneath that bookshelf and hold it above my head, but there's too many books I'm going to drop it.

I just fell asleep for an hour... I can't take naps on regular days, and I had a full night of sleep last night. If this doesn't mean I'm just physically and mentally exhausted I don't know what does. I feel sick.

Jess :

only thirty five days left..

[three hundred, thirty]

I don't have much to say today. This weekend was such a good weekend regardless of any torn ankle or lack of money or anything along those lines. It was full of smiling and Christmas and good times, everything was so good. I enjoyed myself, and I think that's what counts the most these days. I finished my last reading of the semester tonight along with my last essay, so I'm basically home free I'm thinking about starting a pre-finals novel before I can go home and read books over the holidays--for fun of course!

There is something plaguing me, and I feel like I think it's because the relationships I surround myself with aren't adult relationships yet. I need to change this, but I don't know how. I'm going to think about this, the dynamic of growing relationships and how some move along but others stay stuck in one place.

Aren't relationships neat? NOT.

I am in such a weird mood, something to do with my foot hurting and not eating enough vegetables today. I worried a lot about this yesterday and Saturday, so maybe today was my break from super healthy ish eating.. Everyone needs a break occaisionally, right?

Standing on the tiles thinking about why am I so upset, why am I holding back tears, why is it that I don't want to be with you every second of every day, but once every three weeks is not enough. Let's move on.

take care,

JEss :]

baby, it's cold outside

[three hundred, twenty-nine]

It's been a hard week, and it's so nice to have an ending that is relatively nice. I just want to be immersed in Christmas from now until Boxing day, and I intend to be. I think that it's important for me to stay positive now, even though most of the work for the semester is over, I still have to focus on finals and readings and...I just need that little mental break of Chrsitmas.

I also need to clean my room, it's an epidemic.

I'm running out of patience for winter though, I miss the snow and getting to walk home in the lovely winter air... I'm so weird. I wish that there wasn't school to worry about right now, but we could all just watch christmas movies and dance and have a good time bfore actual christmas. I only get like four hours wiht my roommates to do that before they leave for home for the holidays. I can't wait for the holidays.

I miss my family, and doing fun things wiwth them for the break, and watching movies with my siblings and wrapping presents and making cookies with my mom, and watching christmas specials with my brother while he plays with the chrsitmas tree, or finding new christmas music with my dad and drinking egg nog, or the christmas drives and making dinners and new jammies on christmas eve, or sleeping with my siblings on christmas eve and waking up and seeing how excited everyone is, and that one phone call in the morning to ceara to say happy christmas and have a good day, and that i'll see her later, spending my day with her watching movies and eating goodies and hugging and being christmas.

This is my time of the year, and always, always will be. I hope everyone has an amazing beginning to their season, I get to go home and decorate the christmas tree with my family tomorrow, the christmas cd's are coming out, hello Bing and Dog with red santa hat!

Happy Christmas,

Jess <3

it's about time i did this

[three hundred, twenty-eight]

Late one evening amidst the snow and tossing flakes that covered the land, a small sleigh sat neatly tucked between two large snow-covered houses. A man sat there, he was dressed in red. His sleigh seemed to be abandonded otherwise, semingly empty for a man of his known stature, no sack of toys no flying hooved mammals, and yet he sat, rosy cheeked and smiling, in the dark and the cold, waiting.

It wasn't long before another sleigh appeared, and through the corner of his eye the red-clad fellow could tell it was who he thought it was. A large booming voice, although words indecipherable through the wind, could be heard high above him. As the other sleigh came closer to landing near the first, the man in red stood slowly, still smiling.

The exchanged sleighs, and it wasn't clear who the other man was, but siles, handshakes, and sleighs were exchanged. It was almost as if there was an unspoken code, words exchanged although nothing was said. As the first red-clad man got into the newly arrived sleigh, that of which was sporting a large, overflowing sack and eight prancing deer that all looked tired from a long journey, the new man from the new sleigh hopped in the first sleigh, and sat, joyfully out of breath, and waved as the initial red-clad man started off into the night.

Leaving the flying sleigh's pilot behind, the red man flew off into the night, landing on houses and delivering his duties upon those that he did, and as his turn came to an end, the reindeer took him to another sitting sleigh, nestled between two other houses far from the beginning, where another man in red sat, and where another exchange was made. As the new pilot flew off, the first man in red sat in the new sleigh, smiling, cheeks even more rosy than before, and waited.

In an instant, the sleigh rose, and zoomed away from the houses, backk to the North Pole, where this man in red claimed his home with his wife between the other houses meant for the others, his job for the day was done.

Focus: Christmas, duh

Jess :]

THURSDAY happened

[three hundred, twenty-seven]

I fell yesterday. I think it had something to do with me being jumbled in thoughts and furiousness and not paying attention, but combine that with my lack of depth perception and low vision it makes for disaster. So, naturally, the stairs came up from under me and I fell, and it hurt and things, now I'm sort of just... Trying to make things better.

Story of my life, trying to make things better.

I'm sick of people giving up, or settling. Life is so beautiful, and I can say that and I have had to deal with crutches and pain and all this crap, it truly is the reason we're here: to experience the world and its wonders and its harmonies and beauty and people relationships love, challenges, it's for the experience, not the depth or the knowledge or the little things, well, those little things. It's for the deep orange sky behind an African sun at sunrise, it's for the quiet walks around the neighbourhood during Christmastime, it's for the midnight laughter and the feeling of someone's hand in yours. It's for a life worth living, and if you don't believe your life is worth living you're taking this world for granted.

I only get frustrated about that because one of my biggest fears running out of time. The things that I want to do like see the world and live in big places and change lives all happen in small, incrimental bits. I don't dream unrealistically, but I dream big, and I try my best to get there. I know that maybe not all of my dreams will be achieved, but some variation of them will be. I don't believe in quitting for those dreams, regardless of society or people or life, I will get what I want.

I want to be happy.

That seems like not a very tall order, but in all reality there are so many unhappy people in the world that it should not be taken for granted. I have a loving family (many, actually!) and a loving boyfriend, amazing friends, a good education a good head on my shoulders, many homes and food and enough money to leisurely do things that I'd like to,. I have opportunities coming up that people)myself included) dream about, and it can only get better for me. I've had enough done for me, it's time for my life to give me a break.

And even if I don't get a break, I continue to strive for happiness, because that is what matter to me. So take a little time today to be thankful for your Gosh darned life, because you only get one, and this is it.

Love,

Jess :]

for wednesday because i am behind

[three hundred, twenty-six]

what about falling, right?
What about falling right through a hole,
a whole flight down Alice fell too, right
through the looking glass, the rabbit's pathway,
but still falling nonetheless,
like a train would on a hill, like a train on a hill,
or mountain,
it would fall if pushed or tumble and shatter,
just like the glass would, if pushed, right?
Pushed right over, because no one likes falling,
especially without ends,
or wonder,
nobody falls without curiosity,
or desire but who desires anymore?
Everyone just falls, in an instant,
no time for longing or mysterious courting or
a jest, right?
Right, like Alice, the illusion is flawless,
and Alice believed, blinded by wonder,
and falling,
too blinded to see that above there was a right
and wrong way to fall,
and this was neither.

focus: falling

Jess :]

tight knit

[three hundred, twenty-five]

I'm stressed out and drowning in work. I feel like I am that blind, that blind university student who cannot see the end. By the end of tomorrow or Thursday morning I will know how much release I will get for the weekend. You know what would be lovely? Insane guided meditation. I'm thinking about doing it tomorrow night before bed, so that I will actually be able to sleep. The anxiety has set in enough to almost not let me sleep last night... I am hoping with all of the hope I can muster that I sleep tonight. I need it, my bruises sometimes referred to as my eyes and my headaches would appreciate it, so would be productivity and attention span...

Irritably, I don't feel like talking to anyone at all. I've never really felt like that before, that I just do NOT want to talk because I feel like I'm burdening my bad mood on everyone else. I'm exhausted, and annoying, and rude and tired and sleepy, and cold, and just would really like some christmas time and some hot chocolate. I think that is a must, soon.

Maybe on the way to school tomorrow I'll get a chai tea latte, or the way home, maybe that'd be worth it. I think so.

Jess :]

see what I'm invited to, bring down the hallway curtains

[three hundred, twenty-four?]

I can't remember what number I'm on. I decided to take off my glasses about half an hour ago because my eyes were so dry and hurt, and I have a huge headache, and I've just been thinking about normalcy and why I am so peculiar. I mean, I don't wear makeup and I like clutter, I refer to musicians as heroes and read only poetry books for fun because they are short. Most of those things have justifications, but first impressions of me are apparently pretentious and outrageous. I don't understand things sometimes...

I wish my room felt like an icicle, it would make me feel more of my breath in my chest. I think the actual physicality of breathing within my chest brings me back down sort of releases me from my head, and takes me into a deeper sense of knowing. Production of circulation and thoughts always start when I think about nothing.

Like in the shower I think about the water pounding over my head, and it takes it back to such a mundane feeling, simplicity. I thrive on simplicity, and yet I feel like everything about me is so complex. I should just quit everything and travel the world; doing yoga on mountain tops and writing poetry, wearing clothes that I want and dancing outrageously in nightclubs across the world. I feel like this is the lifestyle I was..well, relatively meant to live. Either that, or be an absurdist playwright in the nineteen sixties who was involved in woodstock and was a band aid.

I still am a band aid, the death rattle of rock hasn't caught up with me yet.

Despite my blindness my ears thrive as well, and I take notice of such little things, and I miss so much, that I feel like even if you said nothing for your entire life you would not be able to catch every glimpse of noticeable information, every last notion of importance in life and you would miss just as much as you would experiencing it. Why am I talking about this? I am spending too much time on this. (ha-ha).

I was dancing this weekend, and I realised I want long hair. This is the new goal: to have long hair. So that when it is messy, which is frequently, it will look intentional, or just not as noticeable, or I'll feel better about it anwyay regardless of the explanation I'm trying for it now... Until next summer, when I'll want it short so when I go to the beach it looks rad.

And when I see the Pink Floyd concert in June I can head bang like a boss. Can you head bang to Pink Floyd? If I can air guitar to Christmas music, I can make anything happen.

I don't know wher all of this is coming from, so I'm going to lay down and sort of breathe for a bit. I'm wrapped up in my own head for now, I'll try to be a little more concise tomorrow.

love,

Jess :][

caught in the corner, correction, captivity

[three hundred, twenty-three]

a little note to all of the people who are important in my life: I am a supportive person. I could be in the middle of a stress and anxiety hurricane and I would still drop everything if you needed something. I would go for lunch even if I had no money. I would stay up late with you, and take care of you, and do anything I could if you really needed it. I love the people who are important to me, and sometimes I'm not good enough, and sometimes I forget to say little things or ask a question or mention something or do a little nice thing, but I do my best. I will always be there to listen, I'm terrible at advice but I will try. I'm good for hugs and a hand to hold and reminding to check blood sugars even if you aren't low, just in case. I will wipe away tears, go on embarassing pharmacy runs, spend copious amounts of time in the basement because the scary movie scared us too much to run up the stairs. I try my best to be the best and even if I fall short sometimes, nobody can stretch their arms too far wide, I just try and pretend that I can.

love always,s mmile often, breathe in peace exhale stress, cheers,

Jess :]

Are you smart today?

pthree hundred, twenty-two]

No, I am not smart today, somedays I have moments but not today. I tried really, everyday everyone tries to be smart but here at university it is "how smart are you today?" Or anything really along those lines. I like to pretend that I don't care, and yet I still am disappointed with low marks. I am doing my best, and my best isn't good at all.

How depressing.

I feel like I should do a little bit more work. Isn't there anything else I co-no, I am NOT asking that question. I just feel like I've been on a break all weekend, and I get back, work for six ish seven hours and I'm done what I wanted to for today. Five cups of amazing tea later...

I only like wearing socks that are either cozy or have soft, aloe-infused insides that moisturise my feet. Otherwise, I'd rather my stupid dry feet not in something that will itch or otherwise obstruct my comfort. I hate socks in general, but around christmas I wear them most of the time. Is it weird that small things like that, small, insignificant things that cost what two dollars can cause such a change.

Same for tunes. A christmas melody could come on anywhere and instant interest happens, you want to hear more. It cheers me right up, atleast, and to be honest I would rather be cheery than any other mood... Ever.

I don't know what to write about today. I talked about being cheery, I haven't been feeling philosophical lately, which is unfortunate for the last forty-ish posts of my blog. I want these to be all me, and yet my head is full of too much work to squeeze anything remotely useful or gratifying out.

So I guess I'll have to wait for that, those spurts, until either later on tonight as I still have one blog to write today, or later this week when my stress levels aren't inflicting short bursts of anxiety... May be four years from now, when I graduate. I want more of that amazing tea, badly.

I wrote a poem last post, and I like writing the poetry. I've been thinking about what to do after this blog is up in just over a month, and I haven't decided. I'm going to keep this one only a little bit in January until I turn twenty, and then I may start a different one that I post on certain days a week or something. I have to look at starting themes so that I have some sort of a prompt anyday...

There once was a girl who lived in a city where there were no trees. She cried everyday and didn't know why. One day she walked to the outskirts of the city, the borders were framed by high black iron gates that did not let anything out. She looked past them and tried to see the city beyond, but she could see nothing. There was a loud crack, and something fell over the gate near her and made it fall, she gasped and leapt back a little. A man, holding a large sharp weapon and wearing plaid colours popped his head through the empty space to look inside the city. He smiled, and she came closed. This was a tree, he told her, and he was here to bring them inside so that everyone could breathe easy again. The girl felt as though she was going to cry, but then took a long deep breath, and felt the air enter her and she smiled back at the man. Touching the tree, she realised this was what was missing in the city, the man was their saviour. She never felt like crying again. The end.

I don't know what that was.. I've been thinking about origin stories lately --surprise-- and I've been wanting to write my own. I'm thinking about writing after this week is over, finally!

Take care!

Jess :]

out of three or thirds

[three hundred, twenty-one]

hundreds more were there inverted noises they come from inside,
and we laughed a lot then, through our noses mostly so that
in the middle everyone could've heard us, squeeling with bliss
but there isn't anything in the center, our pastries come hollow,
our balloons deflated, our machinery mechanics flanked with water
not batteries,
the preparation fleets us, and so we take to laughter,
we take to shrills, sometimes, shrill or squelching,
indeterminate hopeless, womb-less laughter, eyes tight with fingers,
fingers pressed to the sky like salutes for a higher seeing
someone who could have prepared, brought up, caught up the world,
and we still sit and laugh, unpack our baskets (which came empty)
and are now full of laundry, linens caked with headlines from journals,
stating the latest news here-by declarations of insanity,
or injustice,
or wrong-doings, negativity blaming the world for their doings,
no guided path, no tomorrow day, no now now never not now,
because there are things inside sometimes, but nothing is ever with us
from the start, or from before the start,
un-womb-like, irrefutable pricelessness due to lack of...
of... anything. Just lack. There is nothing, but, lack.

focus: I started with baskets,...?

Jess :]

going to write a poem, and then crying instead

[three hundred, twenty]


So I was going to write a poem today, I had a really good idea this morning and everything, but I don't feel like it anymore. I feel like a short little blog about my weekend coming up. I'm going home tomorrow so there won't be blogs posted until Sunday, but I am so excited because I get to be with my family. I am already with my family all the time here, and I have families everywhere, but at home I get to be with the ones who've known me the longest, and who love me, and who I protect.

So I get to go home and eat cookies and watch the Christmas Parade, and hold hands with everyone I love. I think people don't hold hands enough. I want to hold hands with everyone I love, because I want them to know that I hold on tight and don't let go, no matter how long, hard, tiring, scared, dangerous, regardless of the situation I put my fingers in a lock. It's a promise, really, and I take it seriously.

So this weekend should be good. I have to go to our last show night on Saturday and do homework all day sunday, so, I should be in a swell mood come Monday! I am not looking forward to all this other than the fact that next friday, exactly one week from tomorrow, I will be done coursework for the semester. I am living for that evening right now.

I hope everyone has a lovely friday! It is going to be such a good day! Happy Christmas!

cheers,

Jess :]

don't remind me

pthree hundred, nineteen]

I need ideas for presents? Help? I've had an alright day, hasn't been too terrible, in need of some sort of organisation for my thoughts though, I wrote a paper, I read it over, it's...er...interesting.. Atleast something's down for my editing appointment tomorrow. I just found everything I needed for resources on the archives for tomorrow should take only an hour which is nice. I just want things to go smoothly from now until friday night.

Atleast on Friday night I could possibly be done the papers due next week, started studying, finished a project, etc. etc... Chances of everything being polished are slim, but atleast I'll have a little more peace of mind.

Breathe in peace, breathe our stress. In. Out.

I need to put the sheets back onto my bed, which I should do before I get into bed, but I don't really have the incentive to right now, so, it'd be nice but it probably won't happen until tomorrow. I finished everything I needed for tomorrow though, so, I'm sort of stoked about life today. I guess that's because I don't feel terrible, funny how that works.

Except when it comes to the organisation of my thoughts. Why do I think in such non-linear ways? I don't even work backward, it's sort of like a belly flop, I attack the ideas with my whole body at once, I try to get it all out there and it turns out confusing and muddled and is a little bit painful.

Great metaphor I know, or simile, who knows.

Bottom line is I'm ready for christmas, I'm ready for next friday, I'm ready for something to eat actually I need a shnack, maybe I'll finish that popcorn.. And I have to do the dishes. These are the things on my mind. I need to do some more research tomorrow and get my paper sorted out before I can relax smooth sailing until friday where I get to go home and go shopping and buy one present in particular.. I can't think of anything.. I'll have to think about it a little bit more.

A prof cancelled a class that is tomorrow. Life rocks.

Take care, have a lovely evening, please take a sec to smile for me today, you have so many reasons to smile it's ridiculous so just do it. Go on, go. I was in the bathroom in the bullring today and on the inside of one stall there were all of these cute happy messages about loving life and being great, so I'm going tomorrow to write one with a permanent marker. I'm excited. I love people.

love,

Jess :]

eric clapton makes me want to breathe

[three hundred, eighteen]

I am late on this, and funnily enough I decided to write this during a class, because I know I need to catch up. I just had this idea, about how I live my life and things, and I think this semester is different than the past couple because well, I’ve been through all of these changes, and this is the first time that I’ve actually put effort into being okay independently. I had a boyfriend or someone to lean on last semester, right now it’s sort of distant, and I’m struggling with trying to get everything oalright inside my head.

And Dr. Paul continues to talk about queer theatre, the same thing he’s repeated over and over for the past half hour. He just laughed, lawl.

I think that regardless of my leaning, everyone needs to lean a little sometimes. Everyone needs that one person to tell you (or more than one) to tell you to go for that manicure, sleep in, take a little time for yourself….I don’t think I’ll be taking a lot of time for myself due to taking Friday night and Saturday off, but I will try to get peace of mind today and tomorrow, since I need it. I get too bogged down within my head if I don’t, and I cry a lot.. I cry a lot lately.

I don’t think like normal people, I think about other things, fun things, weird stupid crazy things, and thoughts are peculiar. Thoughts of independence for me think like paying bills, making food, being okay being alone… Things that I haven’t quite grasped yet, but I’m working on it. I think I have a handful, the #reindeergroupoffabulousfive or whatever it was, that I trust completely, and need in order to be okay alone. Maybe that makes me codependent, but there wasn’t anyone holding my hand when I fell asleep under the purple and blue light that last surgery where I awoke in darkness, so to be perfectly honest I can do this alone.

Nobody understands what I’ve gone through, and nothing I can say could ever explain to you the interest, the emotions, the pain and the recovery that I’ve gone through, but I know that enough people care about it that there’d be interest… But, but but but, I’m not writing that, probably never on this, never on the computer, never anything but some sort of oral presentation.

This post is making this class go by so much faster, I am actually so happy I thought of doing this. This hurts my wrist in this classroom though, what a setting… I want to go home and shower and sleep, but I can’t. I just.. I want to not be alone tonight. So much for independence.

Take care,

Jess :[

good show, jolly good show

pthree hundred, eighteen[

I am so tired of being tired, I need to sleep early tonight in preparation for another long day, and another one Wednesday, and another Thursday, until Friday comes along and I can breathe again, in my boy's arms. Boy do I miss summer. I looked into yoga today for the holidays, only one class available, I'm thinking about taking it it's only once... I think I could look into one in Costa Rica as well, which would be nice.

I think I want to come back to school a little early next semester just so I can get my two feet on the ground before the classes actually start. right now I feel like I'm avoiding doing certain assignments and work that I shouldn't be avoiding, but I guess that I should get on top of some essays that are due next week. I have a project monday,e ssay tuesday, exam thursday and essay friday. I think I'm going to get both essays and the project done this week if I have anything to say about it.

This week is the week of writing, next shall be of editing.

I love apple juice, I think that juice is the type of thing that brings everyone back down to their insides, everyone remembers when they were little and their mom used to pour them juice in those little colourful ikea cups and they used to just be so happy, little smiles with little hands for little people at little breakfast time. I miss those smiles.

I've been talking a lot about smiles lately, I think because I set an intention for myself at the beginning of november to just stay simple and stay happy. I think midst all of this work and show and stress, a smile truly goes a long way. Keep your chin up, because everyone loves to see that smile.

Wow I miss summer though, I miss the freedom and the movies and the kids. I miss the kids a lot. I miss working everyday at a job that I loved. I miss spending the night with my best friends and my boyfriend and going out for food at two am or walking from a bar to get ice cream at midnight. I miss those croutons. I misss wearing dresses and going to the beach and playing in the water and eating fries. I miss driving, everywhere. I miss the sun and the shorts and the wind. I miss reading books that I actually like. I miss relaxation. I miss peace.

I guess this summer didn't have a whole lot of peace, but really I think that it had more than I have felt lately. I think Christmas will make up for that though. PEACE ON EARTH.

I remember one of the first blogs I ever wrote on here, and I called it "repeat the sounding joy"..... I love Christmas. I love peace. I love Joy. My sister's middle name is Joy. I miss my family.


Take care,

Jess :]

islands in the stream, that is what we are

[three hundred, seventeen]

Right now, as I sit in my christmas-decked pajamas, in my boyfriend's pajama pants, listening to my fan spin in the background, feeling tired and sore and empty, in my yellow room covered in pictures and notes and christmas lights, on my messy desk with a bouqet of flowers in one corner and an advent calendor in the other, I am struck with thoughts of safety.

The front door's locked, I've brushed my teeth, I have two amazing roommates and I don't feel like I should be worried about anything. Despite my large room, and my large bed, I find myself protected, being protective, and having thoughts of complete safety. I also have the hiccups and a headache, and my lips are chapped, but everything else seems to be going okay.

It has been so weird lately, my busiest days have been dealt with in waves of complete calmness, the mindset that although I am insanely busy and will be until...well, until I like graduate, I have these calm moods, they swoop in and remind me that amidst all of this chaos, there should be some sort of relief.

I get that through communication sometimes, or meditation, or writing or some escapeism dreams or movies, but lately I've been finding that simply being alone with my thoughts helps. Right now that seems to be helping, just creating a low level of stress inside my head so the exterior bullshit sort of just seeps in for a little, but doesn't make a home out of my head.

I wish I could pass this trick on.

I think it's how much I cry. Last night I cried for about an hour before I fell asleep. I'm homesick, and tired always never feeling rested, I have a constant headache these days and I'm feeling nauseous before and after eating, and yet I am happy. I smile at people at random all the time, I enjoy being around people and my friends. I still have those glimpses of distress, but for the most part I'm just keeping up.

Today, then, I cried a bit more after watching some sad movies, but really, it's just my emotions tugging at the seams of my sanity. I think that although I may not be completelly sane, I haven't been drowning in any deep salty soaking water that drags the best of people down towards the incomprehensible depths of mindlessness.

I think everybody needs an anchor once in a while, thought, a brief break from the distress signal, the red flashing light. I want to keep it simple, stupid. Life shouldn't be complicated we only get one, and during that one life we should take every opportunity, and not sweat the small things. I just want to smile all the time, and have people smile back at me.

Although, I won't be able to see.

I did see someone smile back at me yesterday, I almost cried. It's been a while since I've seen anything detailed past a foot from my face, so to see that under the bright stage lights in the cold theatre at ten pm on a Saturday night after doing a stressful show was just.. Needed. I didn't even know her well, and it totally brightened my day.

Smile, today, if only atleast for me...

take care,

Jess :]

we could've done this differently

[three hundred, sixteen[

Titles have never been important to me. I don't really care ofr fancy titles on papers, or these blogs, or anything really. That's why everything has been so random, just because I don't feel like making anything relevant. I'm the worst for that.

I've been thinking about sleeping more, or meditating more, or just taking time out of my day to relax more, the past week and the future two weeks have been really daunting, I don't think I'm ready... I don't think I'm ready. I haven't prepared myself enough to stay awake and to keep my motivation going.

I don't really know what to write about, I've been reading all day and knitting, I made myself a new scarf... With all of the end clippings of yarn, and I just really really like it, because I made it. I feel better about things that I've made myself even if they aren't the best looking, I love them. I like this scarf a lot.

My computer is about to overheat again...super...so...I will post some more tonight, I suppose...this has been, well, it has been writing atleast.

Jess

should i fall behind..

[three hundred, fifteen]

Wait for me.

My mom told me that she wanted that to be her wedding song but only in hindsight, since she didn't have an open enough mind for Bruce during the early years of her and dad's relationship. I love that song, it is sort of like an inspiration to keep on going, shooting for that someone or that happiness, that regardless of the bumps and the tragedies, the turmoil the chaos, the hard work will eventually pay off.

Love, baby, it's what's going down.

But I feel like, if you love somebody it shouldn't be as complicated as one might think. I mean, I love a ton of people, but I save that... that sort of, intimacy, with the people that matter to me most. When I take off my glasses and snort when I laugh, you'll know how inner circle you are.

Love for me is something sort of efemmeral, it is igniting and passionate, but it is simple. I hate too much going on, I hate overcomplicating (although, to be fair, I overcomplicate things...often.) but seriously, why can't things just be? Why can't a being be a being without having to think about every detail, every cough every glance every movement and over analysing it. I wish that analysis was simple, then my life would be complete.

Although, I put love into colours in my head the other day, and it sort of changed the way I see it (pun intended). The love for my family is yellow, for a lasting and growing shining that will continue and doesn't die, like the sun. Love for my friends is the blues and purples, the deep, intricate colours that are dynamic and have shades. For the loves that I say it, and mean it, it's sort of the red, but the dark red that you'd paint a wall, not the bright red like a clown nose or shoes. I think my love is more dynamic than a concerto, but sometimes people don't understand that comparison.

Or dynamic love in general.

Why are my levels irregular and incohesive to the way everyone else's levels sit? My toolbox wasn't equipped with a twenty-first century, socially accepted level, so I made my own and being sort of out of the norms it was a silver ball, one that located the things that I wanted and put them on a plain all of my own.

I'm not making much sense today, I think it's all of the things I have to do in the near future piling up to the point where I forgot to pay a bill and I didn't answer that one email, I lost my wallet then found it in a man's pocket, couldn't charge my ipod because my arms wouldn't let me plug it in, and I leave my bedroom light on constantly.

I am not sleep deprived, but I've reached my own level of exhaustion where life starts to make sense in triangles and silver balls and colours, as opposed to dynamics of sound or physics or plausible discourse, it just ocntinues to flow through my head and fingertips apparently...to you.

I'm going to miss thinking onto the screen, or thinking through my appendages that refer to the keys that tell the screen what to look like and say. I think that my thoughts don't seem to think right sometimes, I wish my sentences grew and made sense, like in a flower pot somewhere in the corner that I could water and watch grow, as opposed to work to get them down somehwere.

What I've been trying to get at is that I love you, and I think that if you were a colour it would be purple, your aura is purple, and if you don't know where that's from...you haven't lived yet and I'm sorry. Ask me about it or something. I think that everybody deserves a colour shade of love, so, I dunno, choose something, I like the colour green, I wish that when everybody realised love they'd see green, 'cause well, yeah, I've got enough love to make up for everybody.

um, well, LOVE,

Jess :]

all night times infront of chestnuts roasting on an open fire

[three hundred, fourteen]

it's funny that some things we love the most
are the things that help us from the inside,
they may not be strong or loud or interesting,
but they hold your hands through all seasons
and tell you affirmations, smiling-wise in a backward way,
and they will always, well, not always
they will sometimes be with you like right there,
like in the time, in the space where you inhabit,
but sometimes they aren't, so you have to imagine,
use the eyes inside your head to think of that one time,
when they were right here and holding your hand,
and kissing in the wind and rain, or linking arms down a slope,
or some other slippery situation where you
or they
needed just another one, to get by,
to get up,
to help put bandaids over all the cuts,
to sing songs in the middle of the night,
to piggy back when there's enough trust,
to carry you through and sometimes,
just only sometimes though, mostly they just smile a lot,
and hold hands,
but there are those sometimes, those special days or situations
or moments even
where they are there from beginning middle to end,
the progression, the stories
that they could tell about you or about them to anyone one of anybody who
knew or didn't know about them or us or you,
that made you know
that let you see
that ignited that little last bit of whick in the ash
so that you could just take another one
two
or three breaths,
and get on by.

focus: friends baby, or mittens, but mainly friends, because lately i've been needing a little more glue, and I've decided that I've got a lot to give, too.

love and kisses and nuzzles,

Jess :]

these kids are loud and annoying

[three hundred, thirteen]

I am sitting in the university centre not in my usual spot because there is a large poster sale, so I have to sit around other people, and these people around me have the most annoying things I've ever encountered. One of them has the most irritating voice, and the other keeps making the unfunniest jokes, ever.

It's only the morning, I am going to grab some sort of beverage or something, I actually should head out right now, but I can be a little late. A queen is never late, everyone else is just early. Not saying I'm royalty or anything, but, I just feel like everyone's been rushing lately... I want everyone to slow down.

Take a minute,

think about something a lot happier than work or the play or the distance, and think about the snow and christmas and the holiday season that can/will be upon us. I'm listening to soft jazz, ignoring the ignoramous's beside me and smiling. I am frustrated about some things, but being at peace is a matter of accepting everything and learning to love your smile.

I've fallen in love with so many peoples' smiles that its incredible. I really wish more people knew how incredible their smiles are. So, today, look at your bestfriend, boyfriend, roommmate, and appreciate their smile, because that means that when you're together you make an impact, you ignite that smile, and that reflects you.

If there is all but one thing to know about the other, it is that mirrors don't speak, but reflections talk back.

Love,

Jess :]

it's the singing train, we all can't get away

[three hundred, twelve]

Why did I have caffeine at nine pm? I'm going to have to do some like serious meditation or something to get to sleep now.. Good thing I have that cd now! I think I like meditation best because it carries you deeper, sort of a trance-like impression into your being, I don't know if I believe in beings right now, I feel inbetween on my beliefs.

Maybe I should drop everything and become a poet-philosopher, who ironically doesn't write poems about philosophical things, but just happens to have interesting ideas on life and politics and people. Not saying that anything I spew is interesting, sometimes it isn't even that interesting to me, I just seem to continue to write so that I feel like I have actually finished a commitment to something... But I like being a poet, sometimes, I'm not really one though, let's be honest, I put words in meaningful ways where poems only mean something to me. I am a closet poet writing closet poetry, no one will ever read them.

I am so cold, so cold lately intending to the way I look out at the world. I wish for this frost over my eyes to melt away so that I can see somewhat clearly again, the clarity fleets from my seeing when I ask for it... I wish that sometimes I would be able to just make solid decisions about things, I can't.

I am surely not going to sleep, I should watch howl. Alone. I wanted to share it with everyone, but nobody wanted to share it with me. No one wants to share anything with me lately, except for maybe a bookbag or a highfive...

Everything is such a mess right now, and it's going to take me until December even to start to clean everything up. I plan everything to the nines, why can't I just figure everything out? Why can't I just leave this city and break on to the other side? Break on out onto the passionate plain on which I'd rather be, that one part that one place that I can be understood.

Everything I say comes out misunderstood.

Why is it that whenever people speak to me I feel like I'm five years old? I contemplate things different than everyone. Are you smart today? I wish that everyone saw the world through my pixelated, distorted, blurred vision in order for them to see the beauty that has taken me years to understand that I don't want to leave. I want to stay, but I want to change.

I need meditation I think right now, I need to do a little bit more studying, and then get somewhere and settle my head down. I have a very, very, very, very, veeeery heavy end of the week starting tomorrow, ending which a bang of six straight hours of midterm-lab-lecture loveliness. If you want to mess with me this week, I may or may not have motive to snap..

So have a good night, then,

Jess :]