[three hundred, seventeen]
Right now, as I sit in my christmas-decked pajamas, in my boyfriend's pajama pants, listening to my fan spin in the background, feeling tired and sore and empty, in my yellow room covered in pictures and notes and christmas lights, on my messy desk with a bouqet of flowers in one corner and an advent calendor in the other, I am struck with thoughts of safety.
The front door's locked, I've brushed my teeth, I have two amazing roommates and I don't feel like I should be worried about anything. Despite my large room, and my large bed, I find myself protected, being protective, and having thoughts of complete safety. I also have the hiccups and a headache, and my lips are chapped, but everything else seems to be going okay.
It has been so weird lately, my busiest days have been dealt with in waves of complete calmness, the mindset that although I am insanely busy and will be until...well, until I like graduate, I have these calm moods, they swoop in and remind me that amidst all of this chaos, there should be some sort of relief.
I get that through communication sometimes, or meditation, or writing or some escapeism dreams or movies, but lately I've been finding that simply being alone with my thoughts helps. Right now that seems to be helping, just creating a low level of stress inside my head so the exterior bullshit sort of just seeps in for a little, but doesn't make a home out of my head.
I wish I could pass this trick on.
I think it's how much I cry. Last night I cried for about an hour before I fell asleep. I'm homesick, and tired always never feeling rested, I have a constant headache these days and I'm feeling nauseous before and after eating, and yet I am happy. I smile at people at random all the time, I enjoy being around people and my friends. I still have those glimpses of distress, but for the most part I'm just keeping up.
Today, then, I cried a bit more after watching some sad movies, but really, it's just my emotions tugging at the seams of my sanity. I think that although I may not be completelly sane, I haven't been drowning in any deep salty soaking water that drags the best of people down towards the incomprehensible depths of mindlessness.
I think everybody needs an anchor once in a while, thought, a brief break from the distress signal, the red flashing light. I want to keep it simple, stupid. Life shouldn't be complicated we only get one, and during that one life we should take every opportunity, and not sweat the small things. I just want to smile all the time, and have people smile back at me.
Although, I won't be able to see.
I did see someone smile back at me yesterday, I almost cried. It's been a while since I've seen anything detailed past a foot from my face, so to see that under the bright stage lights in the cold theatre at ten pm on a Saturday night after doing a stressful show was just.. Needed. I didn't even know her well, and it totally brightened my day.
Smile, today, if only atleast for me...
take care,
Jess :]
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