i pretended that it didn't hurt my feelings

[three hundred, eight]

I would let everyone know about the relatively good day I was having but I am deciding against it. When someone means something to me, I tell them, and I show them, and I make them feel it. I surround myself with people who do the same for me. I chose wrong this time it seems, or sometimes it just seems wrong, and I don't wish things were different I just wish that instead of everything being so broken and torn, they'd be fine. I wish that I didn't feel so kept in a bubble. I wish I wasn't so lost in the darkness. I thought you said you would follow me, but I guess not.

I feel like going to sleep but I can't. I feel like being productive but I won't be. I'm back at square one, the way I felt first semester last year where I didn't want to watch the tv shows and movies I loved, and didn't want to read Harry Potter, I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat I was nauseous everyday. I felt like everyday I was stuck in a continuum, I was unmoving, I was in my place but it was alien, it was not my own.

I am in a place that I love and hate now, that I wish was not broken. I need to go lock the door to my house. Everyday is exactly the same. I have a super headache today and this didn't make it any better, and I have to get up relatively early tomorrow and I just want to be...be. I just want to be. Somewhere else, someone else, just for a little while.

Why won't anyone let me just be not?

Pounding, against everything,
raging seriously, a fine line between
losing and sweeping the feelings below
the rug, or the refrigerator,
the times when I slammed every door,
because nobody would listen to me otherwise,
or the backwards times when I let the shower run
for an hour, and I cried
and I cried into the water and it filled my eyes
and my mouth and nose, and the water filled my life,
but it didn't take me under, the pressure of the falling,
but sometimes it feels like I wish I was falling
like in that movie where they fell for hours
and hours and they never reached the bottom,
the bottom is my end, and I want to be there,
but I float inches away,
but no matter how hard I squint,
or try,
I still can't fucking see.

Jess