[three hundred, twenty-four?]
I can't remember what number I'm on. I decided to take off my glasses about half an hour ago because my eyes were so dry and hurt, and I have a huge headache, and I've just been thinking about normalcy and why I am so peculiar. I mean, I don't wear makeup and I like clutter, I refer to musicians as heroes and read only poetry books for fun because they are short. Most of those things have justifications, but first impressions of me are apparently pretentious and outrageous. I don't understand things sometimes...
I wish my room felt like an icicle, it would make me feel more of my breath in my chest. I think the actual physicality of breathing within my chest brings me back down sort of releases me from my head, and takes me into a deeper sense of knowing. Production of circulation and thoughts always start when I think about nothing.
Like in the shower I think about the water pounding over my head, and it takes it back to such a mundane feeling, simplicity. I thrive on simplicity, and yet I feel like everything about me is so complex. I should just quit everything and travel the world; doing yoga on mountain tops and writing poetry, wearing clothes that I want and dancing outrageously in nightclubs across the world. I feel like this is the lifestyle I was..well, relatively meant to live. Either that, or be an absurdist playwright in the nineteen sixties who was involved in woodstock and was a band aid.
I still am a band aid, the death rattle of rock hasn't caught up with me yet.
Despite my blindness my ears thrive as well, and I take notice of such little things, and I miss so much, that I feel like even if you said nothing for your entire life you would not be able to catch every glimpse of noticeable information, every last notion of importance in life and you would miss just as much as you would experiencing it. Why am I talking about this? I am spending too much time on this. (ha-ha).
I was dancing this weekend, and I realised I want long hair. This is the new goal: to have long hair. So that when it is messy, which is frequently, it will look intentional, or just not as noticeable, or I'll feel better about it anwyay regardless of the explanation I'm trying for it now... Until next summer, when I'll want it short so when I go to the beach it looks rad.
And when I see the Pink Floyd concert in June I can head bang like a boss. Can you head bang to Pink Floyd? If I can air guitar to Christmas music, I can make anything happen.
I don't know wher all of this is coming from, so I'm going to lay down and sort of breathe for a bit. I'm wrapped up in my own head for now, I'll try to be a little more concise tomorrow.
love,
Jess :][
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