you're a hoot

[one hundred, twenty![

Appropriate day to say a (belated) happy birthday to my good friend big D, who, I saved until today because, I am heading off to her place this afternoon to celebrate! I love celebrations, seriously, if anyone hates parties or gatherings of any kind I really can't fathom why, because it truly is the best experience ever. If you aren't surrounded by tons of people, and are smiling and laughing and all the other great things, then you truly don't have the life.

Well, you might, because some people don't like that, but either way smiling and being happy is the way tog o.

So I am preparing myself for the journey, preppin' the ipod, charging my phone, packing some comfy clothes and some going-out clothes, and on top of it all, I am just so excited to see my school friends again. It's only been a week and it's been too long! When you live with people intensively for eight months and then all of a sudden never talk, it's sort of like withdrawl, it's a hard adjustment.

On the note of celebrations, I think that what tops it all off would be that it all has a purpose, but the best kinds are without reason. Today, will be a birthday celebration, but it wil also just be a gathering of friends, people whom I miss a lot, and it is going to be a great day/night. I have this feeling that I am going to be celebrating birthdays for about four more months, and even then it's going to continue on, all twelve months of the year holds someone's birthday or another, and it just takes a little while to get through them all. I'm not complaining.

I think I just wanted to say how absolutely happy I am that life doesn't completely suck. My sister's going to the hospital, but she's going to be fine because we are tough, as nails, as concrete, we are as tough as the dust, bro, and we can get through this. She's a tanned little butt, but he's smiling and not worried. She reminds me of myself, which is a good thing. When she gets home, I'm going to be celebrating with her at some point, for no reason at all other than she is my sister.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, and night, and morning, since I will not be writing for a little while, until tomorrow afternoon. I think that hot crossed buns are incredible.

that is all,
love,

Jess :]

bro you so crazy, you so crazy bro

[one hundred, nineteen]

The royal wedding was this morning, I hardly saw any of it, who gets married inthe morning? The British apparently. However, it looked incredible, she's gorgeous, he's gorgeous, etc. I have this feeling that I only loved it because they were royalty, but I also love weddings, a lot. I had an adventurous day! Out and about, one dollar pancakes, walking, fish toys, some lovely ice cream bought not by me, and of course! Clothes shopping. I hate trying things on, because then everyday feels like a fat day! My sister is coming home today, I am so excited it hurts! I am spending the evening working out and chillin' the the bro. I don't have a lot to say today.

If you have nothing happy to think, count your blessings, that should cheer you up. I am grateful for everything that I have. That I have the priveledge of freedom and rights and friendships, relationships, free thinking and speaking, choice and love. I wish that I could share this with the world. Today I began sponsering (well, soon) a project for an organisation that helps young chldren in third world countries get out of slavery, trafficing, and prostitution. If you would like to help me (and Zoe) sponor our project, let me know and I'll slot ya down for a donation! Our project is set to begin in June, and we hope to carry this on for a long time! We want to make a difference!

take care, love always,

Jess :]

"I'm just a big bundle of love today, and I just hated to see the guy so down!" - Harry, sex and the city movie

royalty

[one hundred, eighteen]

If Will is a royal, and Kate is a commoner, and they have a child, it'll be a "half-blood prince".

yep, that just happened.

So I've been watching an OC marathon today in my jammies eating rye bread, also nipping in on the figure skating. My family's friends came in eighth in the world, which to me is pretty fantastic, although they were hoping for sixth... They're in Russia competing against world champions, I think they should be proud of themselves.

I don't have a lot to say other than I really hope that the internet imporves on my laptop from my room, as it is driving absolutely batty. I can't stand not just opening it up and there being an instant connection. I understand that everything in the world can't work all the time, but internet reaches EVERY SINGLE OTHER room in my house but mine, which is mental. I can't stand it. I want to throw everything everywhere. Just flail, with things in my arms, yeah.

What else, I have this thing about people that makes me want them to care a lot more than they do. I wish people didn't ask so many stupid questions, and would just understand what I mean the first time I say it. HUGE pet peeve of mine is to have someone ask every single little question, like do you really care? No? Then why in the name of pete do you ask? I don't care about the little details so I don't ask, plain and simple thing ya gotta know about me, I hate just, yeah. Frustrated.

I have decided against waking up at three in the morning to watch the festivites, as when I wake up at eight to check up on it there will actually have been something going on, as at three in the morning it will be eight am in England, also known as if it was my wedding day, I may be getting up early, but there would be no way in hell I'd be up before eight o'clock. So if you're mental, and waking up at three am to watch it, then you're going to be looking at absolutely shit all until about seven in the morning, when things will get rolling (ie guests, arrivals, maybe see the royal fam). I don't even know how televised the actual wedding will be, aren't weddings usually in the afternoon? Call me crazy, but this seems like a lot of hype for a wedding.

LEEP CALM, IT'S JUST A WEDDING.

However it is our future ruling monarchs, which is exciting. I've always fantacized about being a Princess, and it dawned on me today that, as per my joke above, they will most likely be planning on passing on the crown, and therefore having children. Will Kate be a pregnant princess? And when this happens, how televised do ya think that'll be? If this is the wedding, wait till the birth day of their children! And then the coronations! It's just going to be a parade of media coverage form now on.

However, I am in love with anything in the Britain pop culture stream, so, naturally, I will be getting up early to sit in my royal princess robe with oj and my hair in a towel, to watch the wedding. I cry at weddings, on tv or otherwise, and I find this no exception.

Last but certainly not least, I would like to just mention that some fam issues have been happening recently with a certain Cuba-bound sister and eyesight, I'd just like to take a little moment to say that I love my siblings more than I can even manage in my mind functions and thoughts, I'd die for those two little bums, and I wish I could take all of their sorrows and pain and hurts away, but I can't. Every day this week my brother has come home and came to my room, fed the fish, and then given me a huge hug. I missed him. I miss my sissy, and when she gets home at two am Saturday morning, I am mauling her to the ground. I will defend them until my life's end. I love you, babies, you're my babies just as much as you're mom and dad's. I was there when you were both born, I was there to hold your little hands to walk. I was there to pick you up when you fell. I was there for your first days at school. I was there for everything, and I just want you guys to know that I'm not going anywhere, I will always, ALWAYS, protect you.

love always,

Jess :]

anything you ask me to

[one hundred, seventeen[

If I didn't have the support system that I have, I would probably crumble to the ground, seriously. I don't think I'm going to get to that intensive writing this week, probably next week. I've got this new system, whenever I'm hungry between meals I just work out. I think it's a solid solution, since I don't need to eat more than I need to right? I'm makin' changes, yo! We built my desk today, it's adorable and green and fantastic!

I am now on from this day forward no longer focusing and being picky or selfish or taking for granted the little things in life. I'm workin' on it, for reasons, that I know will result in happiness eventually. CHILL OUT.

"Leep calm, it's only a wedding" --the royal wedding craziness is making me more and more excited to head over to England, and I miss Princess Di, and I love weddings, so naturally I'm attracted to the hype. I just want to watch it happen, I always cry in movies or show or in real life when people are married or a baby is born, it's a weird odd habit that is hard to prevent!

If I have said it once I say it a million times, check out my tumblr: whisperhappy.tumblr.com ; because it is my other blog and is just as important if not more stream of conscious thought-like than this one. I had a revalation on it the other day:

I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP, WITH MY BLOG.

A blog will always be there, it's dependable, if I need to talk, it'll listen. If I need to just read over and hear just what I need, I look into its depths. If I need comfort or just need to vent. If I need a pick-me-up, or just some lovin'. The blog's going no where.

so, naturally, I love you,

Jess :]

did they use a real shark on the set of jaws?

[one hundred, sixteen]

I was trying to write, you know, an actual fictional tale about some people at a cottage and this guy who's afraid of the dark. I think I'm still going to write it, but I can only get tacky starts right now, so it's become the project of the week! Write a short story, about ten pages, about these characters. When I want to write fiction, this thing happens in my head. an unusual thing, anyway.

These characters, these people, come into my daydreams. I can tell it's different people that I don't know because, well, they're different people that I don't know, and they basically just make a story in my head. Or, there's just a picture, or a very very short scene, that happens in my head, that I can't shake off, and that I need to write down. The characters need to walk out of my head and into their story.

Right now there's this character Alan, and he's about twenty, and he's I don't know he seems to be at a college or something for architecture because he likes to draw, who's got these best friends. Alan has brown hair and is tall and wears red plaid a lot and jeans with flip flops on the beach. He can't swim, but he goes to this cottage with his friends anyway. The scene in my head that is of question for this story is just him sitting on a blue blanket, with a pack of cig's beside him, and he's watching his two fears overcome him on the beach: the waves, the tide, the water is getting higher and closer, and the sun is setting. He's afraid of the dark.

The one thing (and commonly the problem) with these mystery characters is that I can give them a story, a photograph in my head. I can detail it, I can make them live and everything, but I don't have much of a motivation until I get deep into the writing. So, either, I have to write about Alan for hours and hours trying to find his purpose, or just write for years about the same people and be lost.

Writing is losing, it's driving out to the middle of nowhere and purposely losing your way, and strip yourself down, give yourself up to the forces, close your eyes, and then for the love of pete find your way back. I think sometime this week I'm going to be taking a couple of hours straight, get water and food and music and lock my door and discover Alan, because through writing you find bits of yourself.

I wish you all a lovely evening, I'm spending it with the boys we're playing risk. Tomorrow I have to head back to the uni city and get my house bit set up again all before eleven thirty am, so I'm going to be coming back and watching a movie probably, or working out a bit. That's all until I write this again/.

today was an enjoyable writing post, as I'm excited to be writing again, vclearly.

love,

Jess :]

he's hunky, bro

[one hundred, fifteen[

I've been writing this for so long now, and I would just like to note that I am proud of myself for lasting this long. I do this everyday, sometimes I dread it, sometimes I look forward to it, and someitmes it sneaks up on me out of nowhere and I am happily surprised! As much as somedays I never know what to write and just type out my random thoughts, or if I need a long rant, or need to put down appreciation, I feel that every post has meant something to me in one way or another, and I love this blog, and am so happy that I started it.

If you are interested, I also have a tumblr, called whipserhappy.tumblr.com , I'm not a hardcore tumblee so basically I decided to tell people about it. I post happy pictures and nice things, and thoughts that I have, and it's just like this but more current and daily and I reveal a lot more about my thoughts.

Some random honest truths that are relatively secrets right now:
I think I have a crush on two boys; I am getting a tattoo; grade eleven and twelve were the best years of highschool; people hurt my feelings a lot and I say nothing; I am insecure and shy; I am obsessed with British culture, pop culture, history, royals, and everything else; I pray but in a different belief system than normal; I love dancing; I hate when people judge anybody ever; there is a difference between having an oppinion and pushing it on people; people need to talk more about everything, just talk it out; hug it out; love it out.

I thought that was somewhat necessary, I felt like it's been stuck in my head. If you want to look at the song that continuously conquers my mind: western girls - g rain. It's really offensive so look at that on your own time.

LOVE YOU,

Jess :]

nautical theme

{one hundred, fourteen]

You can call me Captain Jack, Joseph, Jingle or Ted; just sayin'.

I would also, save the receptionist, if the boat was sinking...?

Don't you hate it when your wine tastes like cinamon? Have you ever had a hot crossed bun, but they are delicious@ I feel like it would be an interesting thing if I could have maybe some champagne in my orange juice, and a large loveseat with soft pillows and an open window, a sunrise and some hot crossed buns. A shag blanket wrapped around my shoulders, some Chopin playing in the background, and probably some sort of sand underneath me. I have this feeling that this will probably never happen, but it still can be a dream.

They nip my fingers, you know, those geese over there. They don't realise it, really, but they naw at my will, but I let them. I handed them the warm bread from my palms, where they lay in a bag waiting for the cold beak to shake it free from my hold. Their fate is as though mine would be, swept away and folded quietly into the backgrounds and insides of others. The geese mocked me, their black eyes darting from the bag to my hands, and they nip my fingers again, waiting. The world is a fresh waiting game, where we all wait, simmering, for our chance to take a bite.

I want the owl on me now, I told my Grandfather, whose Father is the person I'm getting the tattoo for, today, and he didn't know about it before, and I started to cry when telling him, because that side of the family is very important to me, as is the other side, but my Great Grandfather will be the reason that this owl is going to be on me, WP will be underneath the picture, and I will never, ever forget him. I wrote the play for him sort of, I am getting this tattoo, there's reasons beyond words the impact, but why it's coming about now is confusing.

I think it's the whole strength aspect. He was much older than I thought he was, my Grandfather was the youngest in the family or one of them and he's sixty five ish now, so that means that my great grandfather, who was eighty when he died, would be around ninety now, and to me this just, this just hits me. He's seen the world, he had seen the war and England and so many other places in such a different perspective, and he loved me. I miss him.

I am at home now, and I've been reading again, and I love it so much that it makes me smile so much of the time that it hurts. I love my family.

Take care,

Jake :]

inhabit

[one hundred, thirteen]

Easter and stuff, that whole shabang, I've been pre-occupied by family things instead of focusing on relaxing and everything. The holiday as it is called is more of a religious focus in some families, in others, such as my own, we get together eat a big meal drink a lot and then talk loudly and eat chocolate. I'm not complaining, I just don't see it as a holiday, I guess.

I figured that I would move my room and clean it thoroughly when I unpacked, and so today I took the whole day and unpacked, cleaned, threw out everything, and now I'm in an empty room with a different position of furniture and there is no crap, no garbage, no anything around my feet. It feels fantastic, it feels fresh, and it is a wonderful way to start a summer, clean. I like that, because this summer will be different than all of the others. I'm not going to be with a significant other, I'm not going to be in school until June, I'm not going to be working at the beach, I'm not going to be illegally drinking. I'm going to be better, happier, healthier, friendlier, and best of all, satisfied.

I have started reading a book I got at christmas and haven't had time for. It's friggen fantastic, I love it, I read a bit in the sun in the backyard today, then came inside for a nap. I love life right now, even though I'm a little lonely for the time being. After living in close proximity with fifty other people for eight months, then moving back toa house of five where your friends live a drive away isntead just down the hall is a bit of a twilight zone change, but it'll be okay. I'm focusing on being happy, and productive, and relaxing and healthy and just smiling all day long. That's the focus, that's how it's going to be from now on.

But I still want things to be okay for everyone else too, and as I write this my friends are texting and favebooking and tumblring me, and I am feeling bad not responding. I can't let them wait, because I can't wait to talk to them. I feel needed again, and I needed to feel that someone eneded me. That seems selfish, but it's a matter of happiness, the prupose of life.

"We gotta go out some damn way!" thought I'd share words of wisdom from my grandfather as he was talking about his own funeral, :)

Take care!

Jess :]

home?

[one hunsdred, twelve]

Someone explain to me how I could live in a small single room in res for eight months and have space, and organisation (well, organised messes), and then come home to a laaarge room, and be in a cluttered space. It may be because I haven't unpacked, but this desk seems so small to me. Davie, I love you, but you are not staying on my desk, You smell and take up too much room. I never had a single, I've always had a double with a fish as a room mate. Well move over Davie! This is the summer of Jessie not being a hoarder and/or pushover! I'mma hardass!

But seriously though, I have no room for anything. I need to throw things away, but I can't. I'm too sentimental for that. I love keeping memories... I'll try to do it tomorrow. I'm also moving my bed, and putting all of my cd's into a box in the basement. I feel like my mom must've when she put all of her records into a crate when they invented the cassette tape. I'm old school like that.

I hate this desk.

I need a better computer chair that is comfortable and has a wider base, so I can put my feet up... I love Eddie Vedder (there ya go, bro), and Into the Wild, watch it, it'll change your life. And if you havven't already: Pirate Radio, Almost Famous. They will change your life. I'll get used to the desk I think, just in time to move to the new desk back at school--wait, my new house.

Oh right, yeah, I moved a whole bunch of things into my house today, the new one. I've figured that I'm going to put records on my walls, and pictures of bands and nice things, and I think I'm going to really love it there. I have two beautiful, incredible room mates, and they will make it even better! I'm so excited for life right now, it can't get any better than it is... Unless I go to Vancouver this summer, then it'll be fantastic!

I just realised that my last blogs will have to be pre-written or posted late because I'm going to Costa Rica over new years and the end of December...That's depressing...........

LOVE ALWAYS!

Jess :]

i don't know

[one hundred, eleven]

I know I promised a long post today, and I don't know if I can do that. I had to say goodbye to so many of my best friends here at school today, and it's so hard, because I've spent eight months living here and having the best time with them. They are my best friends, and it was hard to see them walking away. I have to say goodbye to a couple of them tomorrow as well, and I don't know how it's going to go down. I miss smiling in this residence, haha, I miss ours hugs and our jokes already, I miss dinners together and avoiding your biology homework to watch saw movies. I miss things already and you've been gone fifteen minutes. I love you guys.

It is not good bye, it is see you later, always see you later.

love always,

Jess :]

down to business

[one hundred, ten]

You know the feeling when you study for something so much that you just feel ready? I'm not quite there yet, but I\m four hours away from being so damn ready for this exam that I could celebrate! And I will, with my floormates who have their last exam aaaaall done at four thirty, lucky them, and so I'm spending the evening with them, so that I can remember it forever as our last night, even though it won't be mine, it will be mine with them, and therefore, even though I have to slip into bed early, I'll be with them, and that's all that counts.

This time tomorrow, however, I will be done my first year, so I think THAT'S something to be excited about. I never realised how much I friggen LOVE early exams! This could have been a lot better, but it also could've been a whole lot worse!

More words tomorrow, lots of longer posts in the days ahead about remembering and memories and blogging, but for now, just a hug.

love,

Jess :]

[one hundred, nine]

I am finished my english exam! Blogspot wasn't working well yesterday, so today will have a couple of catch up posts. This, unfortuantely, will be short, I think I warned that short ones would commence throughout exam period, but since exam period is over on Friday I won't be let off the hook anymore! I want to remember this feeling I have of all three of my exams well prepared for, the feeling of knowing the answers to all of the questions, and the feeling that I can finish in time and I am smart, because I am, and I wish I'd remember that a lot more.

I'm watching the new Harry Potter tonight in my room, probably the last movie that I truly love on the tv in residence, I am going to miss this place, and I don't want to talk a lot about it in the next few posts because I'm going to cry. I love everyone here with such a deep emotion that it's going to feel like being teared away, although I know that the bonds that I have made with some of the people here will last forever, I can feel it inside of me.

I wish I was magic.

That is all,

love,

Jess :]

ps my tumblr: whisperhappy.tumblr.com

je parle englais

[one hundred, eight]

today was the day i studied a lot and freaked out for my english exam, blogspot is being really stupid. so, i had a nice post, but its not going to be here, cause blogspot is really stupid.

love,

Jess :]

20 years of snow

[one hundrd, seven]

Yes it is true kids, the friggen snow is back!

I think I think too abstract for me to get my thoughts across, but for some reason I feel like if the world looked a little more inwards and upwars, than they'd see outwards and forwards a lot better. I think I look too much beside me, and forward, rather than really appreciate my inward lookings, and all of that. If you think about it, the point of life is to attain inward success, that's the whole point of happiness, what makes you happy in turn shapes the way you look at the world,

It would make me happy if I could make everyone else happy, but, unfortunately, everyone looks too forward as opposed to inward to realise that happiness is the goal. I understand that the forward of most peop.e is success and money, power, etc. which means that looking inward to find your happiness is looking forward, but if you look forward your whole life you'll miss the good parts of the world, and life, and yourself.

I'm sick of looking anywhere and seeing snow, relatively speaking that is, since I don't see clearly anymore, which is true literally and emotionally. I feel like I don't want any more helping hands, I want a new hand to come by and just pick me out of this mess that I always get myself into, or I should just become a nun, join a convent, maybe a tibetan munk, they've got the right idea, shutting the hell up forever and then just not having to deal with their actions in the unfortunate way in which I do. I love it too, really. love that I suck soo much.

So I hope everyone has a nice cold day, because I'll be studying for the next four days until I can just relax for the summer, and possibly drink myself into a coma, whichever really is more appealling in five days... Beats me.

bye,

Jess :]

private dancer

[one hundred, six]

On time! I've decided to write in silence today, I heard somewhere that you can be influenced whilst writing by beats of music, and you tend to write to certain beats. That sort of reminded me of those people who are never without their ipod headphones, and seem to live in a fairytale hollywood dreamland where their life has a soundtrack and they are the stars. I am guilty of walking everywhere with my headphones in, but I have the manners to take them out when I am with people, it is just common curtesy.

On another note, I am tired today. I have been home for an exam week break from residence for a couple of days now, I have spent every night with my friends from home, and every night I have almost pissed myself laughing, almost died, drank some sort of alcoholic beverage, watched innumerable amounts of movies, and been with the boys, all of them on some occaisions. I want to profess my love for lack of work, and the excitement I feel for six days from now I will have no work to complete, atleast for the time being.

Two more exams to write, both essay format, both four hours long, both will not be too bad but I am still worried about them. I am tired of studying though, tired of figuring out what I would say and when. I'm tired of writing this blog already, I sound like a complainer, I am sick of it.

I don't know what to write anymore, tomorrow should be more productive on the blog front, Thursday was a solid writing day, try a poem?

If the world was a different shape,
I don't think we would walk straight,
I bet that we would dance around,
backwards forwards on the grounds.

If the world had a different shape,
I'd buy myself a hero's cape,
the kittens would climb up the tree,
then the world would depend on me.

If the world came in different shapes,
I bet the people could then escape,
from their lives, their houses, too,
I bet that you could escape too.


Who am I, Dr. Suess? Not even close.

love,

Jess :]

redial?

[one hundred, five, late]

I am so lucky I have good enough friends who won't leave me stranded and will take my arm in the dark, just sayin'. This is going to be short and late, because I need to study, but I'll write another one later, that will be a little more exciting. I went for a run with my sister today, running hurts my chest a ot, so I don't particularly love it, but it makes me feel good sort of afterwords so I think it's going to be happening a lot! It's a good break from studying, and real life, anyway. Also, I found the really sweet comic book thanks to a good friend, that's all about nazi's and Hitler, and it's friggen great. I'm so excited for summer in six days it is not even a little bit funny. I wish I was better at writing essays though, I'd feel a lot happier with myself right now, and a little less disappointed... I can only get better, right?

until later,

Jess :=

my juke box hero

[one hundred, four]

Laughing so hard we're about to pee our pants, bodies slammed aganinst the left side of the car, the soft music plays and his hands never leave the wheel. I laugh out loud once, my laughter heard through the window and reflected back to me from the light of the lamps above. He smiles and looks at me and I tilt my head back still laughing, he laughs at me. He straightens the wheels and we flor to the right side of the car, the car's lights ahead of us flicker as if to stop but he has his safe hands on the wheels to make sure that we are, in fact, safe. I look at him as we do another doughnut, and he's focusing hard but smiling, and I can't tell if he's looking at me (although I doubt it, because he's too cautious corey for that) and I smile at him, and I realise that he's great.

This is for someone who will never read this, and to a happy birthday to him, and cheers to a wonderful weekend full of friendship, laughter, and driving where he doesn't have to just sing, he can be loud in the backseat too!

love,

Jess :]

ps above is a true story from earlier this evening, doughnuts in the parking lot in the dark, two people to a car, three cars, love you guys

wild

[one hundred, three]

When I look in the mirror I don't see me, I've got these big glasses and I'm too chubby, but I like who I am, and I think that trumps me looking fantastic, because I feel fantastic. I want to be with people and love and experience, this is a must now, it's got to happen now. I want to embody myself, and enthrall myself, in people, and experience, and have the best possible outcome as possible. I feel like I do this laready, I am an observer, but I am also an involver, I'd rather be with than be beside. Inside rather than out, but looking in rather than away. I feel like my life is slipping from my fingers, so I need to push myself into it, push myself into my life and dive in head first, drink in everything let it go through me, inside me, and me inside it. It is one.

love,

Jess :]

look, you're really cute kid, but I don't know what you're saying

[one hundred, two]

I realised that I don't have the right purifier for my fish's water, and that just adds to the disappointments that I output over the day's course on a normal, casual, no expectancy day, not even a day where I have a to-do list and things to actually attend to. I have this feeling that, although I feel pretty darn satisfied with my first exam, the next week will be filled with enough cramming to make anyone's eyes pop, and mine can pop pretty far, if ya know what I mean.

Have you seen Dumbo? You know the part where the song 'baby of mine' is on, and Dumbo's Mama is cuddling him with her trunk, but through the bars of her cage thing, and it is so emotional and sad? I feel like that moment everytime I hang up the phone with my family, like I can be so close to them yet so far away. I have this feeling that I just want to hold their hand, my brother's hand, or my mom's hand, when I know they need me, but I can't because I just can't get there. I have this constant impending need to hold everyone's hand, to be here, but only when they need me. I'm always here for everyone, no matter what, but it's more pronounced when they need me. I just miss the feeling of holding someone's hand, I miss Kyle's little hand, the little fingers that don't quite reach around mine, but they hold on so tight and I know he'll never let me go.

And as I sit here and cry while I type all of this out, I realise how much I need people too. The amount of people and people who rely on me, and I rely on them, I need someone to hold my hand once in a while. And I have friends who do, and I am just so lucky for that. When my wings break I've got someone to bring me a bandaid, and not just one person. I miss the feeling of being held though, and it's hard to replace that. I wish things were different sometimes, and other times I just want everything to not change. Today, I wish things would just stay the same. I want to finish exams, and then keep every friend at the same distance, width, beat, memory, laugh, as it is right now.

And this summer, I'm going to set down a lawn chair beside my family at a camp fire, and I will be quiet because I usually am, and miss how things are right now because I know things won't stay the same. I'm going to embrace them, and hold the hands of the memories I make today, but keep one hand open for new hands to come, because that's important too. I think today I've cried during every episode of Friends I have watched, I'm on disk two of season ten, so the series is coming to an end, and Pheobe's getting married and Monica and Chandler are getting a baby and Rachel and Ross are almost together, and I just realised that everything is coming to an end for the year, but so many things are beginning at the same time. This year has been too rocky for me to just give up now.

I needed a good cry today, I needed some comforting Regina Spektor and the silly face of my fish to get me down, and to just sit here and cry it all out. I don't feel stupid saying that either, because everyone needs to let themselves be vulnerable once in a while, it's the definition of beauty, I think anyways. One thing that I absolutely love about today? I can hear my nails tap against the keyboard. I've always wanted to have nails long enough, but when I am anxious or nervous or scared I bite them so they've never been long enough. I have had them painted for a couple of weeks now, and they're long enough to make the noise...That's a triumph for the day, and I just smiled through my tears.

That's a funny thing about when I cry, I always laugh, and laugh and laugh till I hurt inside, but I'm still crying. A huge pet peeve of mine is when people ask me if I'm okay when I cry. Nope, I'm not, so don't ask. That's why I like to be alone, and that's why I usually cry in the shower, because the tears mix with the water on my face, and the lines of my emotions are blurred, and I just feel so alone, and in that moment I reach the point of happiness again, and I'm laughing.

So, if you haven't seen Dumbo, watch it, it's worth the tears just for that moment of precious love, and happiness, and joy and ignorance of bliss in that moment. I want to hold your hand, don't you forget it.

Take care,

Jess :]

your highness

[one hundred, one]

I always have had this fantasy of being a princess, but mainly the ones that live in far off lands, have beautiful dresses, and have pet tigers. I want a crown, a tiara, jewellry, and beautiful dresses. I can't deny the dresses, I have this weakness for red couture, dark brown hair, and white gloved hands. I love white pearl ear rings, and gold rings, and anything else that comes with beautiful courute. I love courute, I want to be a princess, I don't even care about the small simple factor of responsibility, I just want the pretty things.

The key to my heart, I tell you.

I want to have a large bed with white sheets and a gold duvet, or a red duvet, any duvet works for me, because I love duvet's, and I would truly love to just have any bed that is comfortable and beautiful and mine. Comfort is the key to my heart, along with couture and whipped cream.

I don't even know what I'm talking about, I feel like running for a while, just working my body until I'm exhausted and letting my fire run out. I want to be tired, I want a big bed to sleep in, I am a princess, so I want to sleep like one. I need to conquer the insomnia and become a chronic sleeper, I could go for that. I want a white hot chocolate, some comfy jammies, a good movie and some nice blankets, and then the room temperature to be cool, and get into bed and cuddle into a cocoon. If it's any consolation, I could go for a vacation too.

I want to bake and clean right now in shorts and high men's socks, with sweatbands and just have a good time dancin' to eighties classics. Maybe I'll do this sometime soon when I go home, just for fun. Eleven days until summer, so close, yet so far.

I don't know what else to say.

love,

Jess :]

you're my best friend

[ONE HUNDRED!!!!]

and I love you, yes I love you, yes I dooooo. (Weezer)

So I'm studying, and I'm finding that I did a thumbs-up job memorising last night while I cried, so if I do a couple hours after dinner, and then get up early enough to do my flash cards again before the exam tomorrow, I'll be in the clear! Take that nutrition! and that! And that! (light sabre noises preface those last couple of sentences. and batting movements)

On a note totally different and the same in some ways, I found my Beatles kick again, and now I'm shakin' it up baby now! That and the beach boys, can you tell summer's in twelve days? I don't even care that I have summer courses, because I'll be excited to do things that I actually like. Why am I celebrating? Because at around four pm tomorrow, I'm going to be halfway done science for the rest of my life@ Yes, the rest. of. my. life.

HOOOOOOOOOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

I don't feel like studying, so I'm going to complain about the little notification on my blackberry that won't go away because I can't connect to the internet to see the apps in my appworld disappear. I wish there were some easy way to fix this! But, ala, there is not. My goal is to use the word alas in as many blogs as possible after this point, that would make the count, one.

I love it when my friends, who have hypocritically told me to not be a pushover for so long, decide to not be a pushover anymore. I want to run dance down the hall, but it's not like I'm done any exams so I really have nothing to celebrate. ALSO: my fish isn't dying! He's constantly hungry and sad, but maybe I need some prozak fish food or something, the poor blue baby just sulks, I think he misses his daddy. I miss him too, Davie, I miss him too.

I want to go shopping for summer but I have NO money, so, I will be cutting some jeans into shorts when I get home! Yay for frays and nineties looks! Let's hope I don't pull out the bedazzler! That's a little seventies/eighties Brady bunch for ya ;)

Off to studying again, tomorrow will be a nice blog, bitchin' about something with importance, again.

love always,

Jess :]

red balloons

[ninety nine]

I'm in the middle of studying nutrition, learnin' about bones and things, I miss milk. I usually have milk at every dinner, but here at school it's too expensive, and I think that's why my teeth suck now, so I kind of regret it. Milk is worht it people! Get yo' calcium! Hydroxiapetite, yeah, yeah I sorta know what that means! I hate science.

I got little to no sleep last night due to a loud drunk mob everywhere on my floor, I guess no one is taking exams seriously this spring. Yes, I said spring, because finally the sun is here! If it leaves this time, I will cry, throw a tantrum, and tan in the rain anyway.

I go home in thirteen days, I am gonna miss it here, but I miss my niche at home. I miss my bed and my friends and family, and my food and the tv and the yard I miss my yard, why isn't my yard here? I love to sit out there with a book and my brother who's got his toys and we just sit together and do our own thing, and he'll occaisionally come over and kiss my cheek and tell me that it's a nice day. Gah, I want to go home!

But I'm gonna miss my Mamasita's! <3

take care,

Jess :]

tricky tricky

[ninety eight]

During the exam period I am going to allow myself to have either really short blogs, or super long rants, or whatever I feel like, but if they need to be short then that's okay, because I am really worried about these exams. Assume that while preparing for my english one that only thing being written is summaries and my thoughts, for now I'm going to complain about science.

I hate it.

I don't seem to mind nutrition that much right now, but I can gaurauntee by the end of tomorrow I will loathe it. Went to a carnival type of thing today, ty-dyed socks and got cotten candy, it was fun times! I'm sick of pizza and fast food, I could really go for a roast chicken, may make one for my family when I get home1 Cause I can peal potatoes, don'tcha know!

Studying time!

looove,

Jess :]

I'm in the sand

[ninety seven]

My summer goals: tv series, jane austen books, take more pictures of everywhere, learn the roads in Guelph/wloo, keep my nails long, only spend a certain amnt on booze, see my school friends once a month, see my home friends three times a week, see my beach friends all weekend, don’t eat chips/chocolate just freezies/ice cream sometimes, call grandma every week, train to Toronto/Niagara, get the tattoo, give away clothes, spend time outside, lots of time, teach something to kyle, save money, read everything, walk.

A rough list of things I gotta stick to this summer, things I want to do now may be different from what I want to do later... But I'm going to try to stick to that as much as possible. I don't like starting things and then not finishing them, therefore I won't stop the blog either, they just may be staggered days when I can't get to a computer or something.

So one thing that is so irritating is when I begin to say something, and the person I am talking to neglects whatever I am saying, and completely starts another conversation with someone else about something totally different. Ignoring, basically. I don't like to be rude and say anything, but when I say things I expect that friends will listen, because I know my audience, and I know that they care. It's disheartening when this happens on a daily basis, and it happens from more than like three people I know. It's so wonderful, great even, for the self esteem, and inevitably convinces me to stop talking altogether.

So I've begun doing that, just sitting back, letting silence take over, because I know when I talk, no one listens, they just wait for their turn to talk. And in most cases, they just talk right over me anyway, so why bother? I'm not worth listening to anyway, I tell everyone the same stories, I tell too many, and their pointless.

So if you have stories to tell, I'll listen to you. As much as I love to tell stories, I love hearing a good story myself. Sometimes I talk so fast that I can't get all my words right, and one of my biggest pet peeves is having to repeat myself a hundred fucking times to the same people over and over...

So anyways, I'm going to go study now. I'm so happy that everyone else in the world had a wonderful day, because for the next two weeks I'm not going to be having any good days, just good moments. I love good moments. I miss being happy all the time, but that's just how it is. I actually don't mind being down, because when I'm down I can reflect and stuff, I just wanted things to be different. That's my motto these days apparently, I wish things were either different or more in my favour.

Take care,

Jess :]

back on track

[ninety six]

I think I forgot a day, or ruined a number, either way it all works out!

Ignorant people, people who are oblivious, people who don't listen, people who don't care, and people who pretend are just the biggest pet peeves I could possibly have. I am so sick of saying something and either be totally blown off, ignored, or completely outright turned away from. If you don't want to talk to me, acknowledge that you don't, don't just ignore me. You're an asshole.

I want to have an experience where someone doesn't just sit down, and smile like they want to be there. Show your true feelings, and if you're negative all the time, suck it up, because everyone is negative sometimes, but all the time must get exhausting, no one wants to always see a frown.

Also, if you hate something, or don't believe in something, don't force it onto other people. That also goes with love, or beliefs, I think that you think that and that's super you got a brain! But please don't shove it down my throat, I get it. I'm also tired of hearing the same things over and over, excuses, conversations, etc. I hate broken records, so don't talk to me like you are one, that's just insincere and kind of ridiculously rude.

On a higher, less nostaligic note, I am totally ready for summer now! I am ready to stay in bed for the week after Easter, I am ready to see my friends every night and then get to actually leave them and go home into my own bed and eat food from an actual kitchem. I am excited to go to the beach and get tanned and drink alcohol legally in Sauble for the first time in my entire life. I am excited to see my summer friends, who are technically all the time friends, but I only see them in the summer. I am excited to get back to myself, and for the love of god, I get to read again.

Praise the lord reading for fun!

I want to be near a mall, and in walking distance of a recreational park. I want to see my brother and sister and family everyday, and walk out of my kitchen onto a deck to drink some lemonade and watch a thunderstorm approach. I love that.

I love summer thunderstorms, because they are the absolute best. They smell incredible, invigorate the air, and make it impossible to sleep because I want to just continue to watch it. I want to watch it while it comes, and is there full-blown, and then watch it fade. I want to hear the thunder crash down around me, and I want to see the lightening slice through the air and hit trees and cement and anything in it's path. I want to be in a thunderstorm, I am excited for that.

So whatever you're feeling today, I hope it's been a good day nonetheless! I certainly have had an alright day, and will continue to until I am home for the summer, in which case I am hopefully getting drunk with my family, friends, and everyone else, because I deserve a little break after this year, a little celebration.

Cheers,

Jess :]

take me with you 'cause I'm lonely

[ninety five--i'm supposed to be at six right now]

I want my fish not to die,
I want my ears to like ear rings,
I want a milkshake,
I want no more war,
I want a good Canadian government this time,
I want my best friends,
I want the sunshine,
I want to see,
I want the world to hold hands,
I want them to hand sanitize first,
I want clean water for the world,
I want marine life,
I want to live somehwere warm,
I want to go to England now,
I want them to be okay,
I want summer now,
I want to be done,
I want ____.

This is a silly list, it's on my mind, it's to catch up.

Jess :]

lager and ale

[ninety four[

They dug up Beethoven and guess what they found out?
He was decomposing.

I laughed a lot, don't know about you. I don't have much to say today, I've been trying with no avail to figure out the security number on my credit card, fail. I downloaded clueless today so I'm going to watch that later. I am in desperate need of a new computer background, gonna do that in a bit. Really, I don't feel like talking or typing or writing anything out but I would like to share a poem I wrote last night when I saw a picture of an astronaut:

I want to join the army,
well I want to fly,
I want to find a cure,
hell I want to bridge the sky,
gaps from sun to moon to earth,
I only want what I am worth.

I noticed that I quite suck at poetry, but to me I love all of my poems. There's not really any structure, or purpose, but I like to say them and read them and write them. I may not be the best, but I'm not the best at anything, so I can take that. I'll take the runner-up position, or a blue ribbon for participating, whatever ya got. I don't need recognition really, I just want the option to be able to put this up here, and not blush everytime I read it. It's cause I love to write, mostly.

So I love you, and stuff,

Jess :]

fin

[ninety three]

I finished my large, fifteen page paper on wine today. This is a time of celebration, folks!

On another note, I just realised that I feel like eating. I don't just feel like eating because I am bored or frustrated, stressed, tired, lonely, or any of the other excuses anyone uses. I truly want to just sit down and have a good meal with some good people, and not spend a whole lot of money on it, and I'd kind of like it if it included chicken wings, and mashed potatoes.

That's something kind of secret about us at school. My friends and I love mashed potatoes, and I think they like it for different reasons, but the other potatoes do suck so it makes sense. We only have mashed potatoes at home if we are having a special meal, or if someone specifically requests it. I learned how to make them earlier this year because I wanted to help, and it is really fun for me to make and eat food, not necisarilly in that order.

I think that food is important to me because of growing up and having family dinners. We would sit down and say "How was everybody's day?" and then everyone would answer, and even though it usually only took ten to fifteen minutes for the fast-eaters of my family (everyone) to finish their meal, we would have a conversation about our days and what we were doing that night, and we would thank my dad and mom for making it, and tell them it was good, and then clean our plates and continue on with our evenings.

It's a lot different here.

Here, we eat what we want sort of, and we go as a big group, and we grab a tray and a drink and sit together and talk and laugh. Usually it's a joking fest, but sometimes we have conversations and it is so nice. Sometimes we all sit quietly, and that's so weird to me, because I am so used to conversation at dinner, but sometimes it really is nice. I love my floormates, I'm writing about them so much because it really isn't that long until I move out of residence, and these little things are things I'm going to miss.

I also miss having take out food with my family. When we went through the Mickey D's drive thru, we always turned off the music or movie we were watching, my sister and I would take out our headphones, and we would all sit in the car togheter and eat and still thank our parents for our dinners, and eat, and talk, and it was genuine a dinner thing, and I actually loved it. We do that for everywhere we take out food, or eat in general. If we are having a sit donw meal together, we are talking over it, regardless if it is negative or positive or in the van or at anyone's house, we are eating and talking.

I think that's why I talk so much... and eat so much.

I am so used to sharing and loving and talking, and here it is so different from not sharing and having everything to myself that when I go home I embrace the sharing and give my brother everything, and I kind of over-expect him to share things with me as well. I do it to my sister too, but we usually do that anyway. My brother is little so he kind of understands the importance of sharing, I gotta remind him sometimes though.

This was a post mainly showing how much I'm going to miss it here, and how I miss my home at home. I believe people can have more than one home, or a place that makes you feel at home, it's a matter of comfortable-ness and originality. Also, if you love it, it's probably your home.

So if you have a home, or multiple homes, or no home, I hope you love where you are and are living every moment. I realised the other day that someday I won't be breathing anymore, and I wish that I could just breathe forever, until I die, and then continue on. Breathing is so calming, and loving, I feel like I love my body when I breathe because I am giving it life. I want to feel alive.

Have a lovely evening,

Jess :]

everyone has those days

[frig, ninety-three? I messed up royally...and don't have the patience to go through and check]

This is my third time rewriting a post for today, and I can't seem to get back into the grooze. It's starting to feel like a chore, and I'm tired of trying to circle things around or make things sound fancy or smart or caring, I am all of those things, fancy especially, and I don't want to have to try to sound like it. I've been thinking a lot about my favourite eighties movies, Pretty in Pink mostly, and I've come to terms with some things lately in my life to the point where I think I've found that Duckie Dale, I've found something inside of me that wants to just chill out, finally.

So I was wondering if I should buy some lipstick, because together ladies of the past always seem to have their shit together and rock sweet lipstick, and this is why I think of Pretty in Pink, because Molly Ringwald has totally rocking pink lipstick, and she has this totally sweet mentor at work, and it all just fits so perfectly that I thought maybe if I went out and figured my lipstick shade, brand, and price, then I'd have my shit together too, it's a symbol for the rest of the world to know.

I haven't gone out yet, but maybe in the near future I'll head out, grab the new vogue and take a breather. Lately I feel like a walking pathetic fallacy, waiting for the sun to come out and bring me out of the glum, frozen, rigid routine. I want to break free from these lies they're so self-satisfied can't you see? I want to break free. I think that everyone needs a little push every so often, but my sun came out today on its own, and I smiled all day.

I realised that I got this, my shit is together, and who am I to be a Charlotte when I'm really Carrie? I don't need a man to look fanyastic, to rock good shoes, to re-do my hair, and to do some mighty swell writing. I do need my close friends, in this respect I feel like Samantha, in LA when her friends are in good old NYC. So close, baby, I can taste it.

I love everyone here, but I feel more like Miranda around here these days, bitter and complaining and a bitch, and that's not me. I'm more of a Carrie, gots my friends for all occaisions and I'm different and they're okay with that. I need people not to judge me for my actions, and maybe then I'll learn not to judge myself. I want my Duckie Dale to come and take me to the prom, not Blayne, although Blayne is sexy, because of his hair, of course.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about Pretty in Pink is an eighties John Hughes teenage pfilm about a girl who lives on the poor side of the tracks and dates a guy who is rich, and has a best friend named Duckie Dale who loves her, and at the end of the movie the original cut was that she ends up with Duckie, but audiences in the eighties hated that ending, and made her go with the beautiful, rich Blayne. I personally love Duckie, and I think that my Duckie has come and although we may not be on the same page a lot, we are too close to give up anything.

If you're lost with all the chick names it's sex and the city, Carrie is fantastic and sort of irrational and doesn't really think with logic, Charlotte is old fashioned and traditional art gallery curating, dog loving, adopting spoiled girl, Samantha is this sex maniac, 'nuff said, and Miranda is this lawyer-ing, bitter, negative lady. They all love sex, and that's just the way I compare things sometimes, learn to deal.

But anyways, I just wanted to say that I'm feeling all together for the first time in a long time, and I feel like a lot of stress is lifting, slowly, as there is nineteen days until I am finished my first year of university and return home. I am going to miss everything here, so much, because I love it and everyone here.

I miss it already and I haven't even left!

Love, always,

Jess :]

broken hearts hurt but they make us strong

[ninety two? i messed up again]

I had a nice shower this morning after a terrible night of sleep. I hate eye nerve headaches, because not only does my head feel like it's going to explode, but my eyes and most of my face is in a lot of pain as well. It feels like you've been punched in both eyes, basically, there's just no shiners there to show the evidence of your pain. So my pain, like always, is hidden until talked about here, so there that was.

I've found myself on twitter, and realising, after being rather hypocritical of posts that I've alredy posted on this nature, that all it is is a bunch of try-hards. Come off it, try not to sound so fantastically hilarious in every tweet. I usually just tweet what I'm excited about, or song lyrics, and they're far from being hilarious everytime. I am so sick of everyone around me trying so hard to be funny, me included sometimes.

Just be yourself, you shouldn't have to work hard to be funny, or for people to like you. On a side note, my keyboard feels very soft today, I think it's because of all the hand sanitizer from yesterday #truestory (twitter hashtag joke, LOLz).

But anyway, I just wanted to have a relatively short rant-post today on my eyes and on twitter, because those two things are prevelant today, and later I'm getting my hair cut which I have no idea what to do so my sister's coming along for that, which I'm super excited about because I miss her a lot. I feel no inhibitions on how I talk with her, I feel like I can say anything and she won't judge me, and if she does it's because she's worried about me. We have the best times, because she always knows when to not push me, or when to push me harder, lol, but seriously, I've never loved someone so much, other than my lil bro, and the rest of the fam.

But my sister I can tell my darkest secrets to, I can listen to her, and cradle her when she cries, and she does my hair and nails, and I'll teach her the map of Canada and how to make a Harry Potter wand from a pencil. I love her, and when we have to share close proximities in the summer again, I am going to rejoice. We live in a trailer, the size of possible a small ice cream shop is our room, and we have bunk beds. When we change we are so close, and that sounds weird but its hilarious and fun and I love her.

Miss you Middy.

Love,

Jess :]

ya fruit loop

[ninety]

If anything I feel like it could be any other day today, but it just happens to be a friday, and april fool's, and seems like it would be a fantastic day. Yeah, seems like. I actually had a not bad day so far, had a really bad english seminar, had a lovely conversation, had a lovely lunch, and everything has just gone relatively lovely.

Have you eber hand sanitized your computer keys? Cause I feel like I'm giving them a bath with the amount of hand sanitizer I just applied. Back story? I washed my dishes today, which should be a mundane, everyday activity, however, not for me. I did them, and then my hands smelled, so I put hand sanitizer on. Except I couldn't feel it coming out, so I kept squeezing. Turns out I applied waaay too much, tried to shake off the excess, and now it's just gross. The end.

Don't worry now, I've wiped my hands on my pants. The Canadian way.

So anyways, I was talking about my lovely day, I'm having it, it is quite lovely, and I believe that it will continue to be lovely as it can be, but I feel this plague, this feeling that I'm forgetting something. Maybe it's my relationship, but I doubt that, since I'm not in one. I think it's this paper that I'm working on and I can't get in contact with a prof, it's been hard work not whippin' my computer back and forth until it worked.... No email since Wednesday, friggen great.

I wish flirting didn't suck, that is all.

My hands stil feel soapy regardless of the amount of hand sanitizer I have applied, this sucks. I feel like eating a very very large meal in the company of good friends at a fantastic restaurant and forgetting about the world for the next few hours.... Good thing that's happening!

Have a good one! Cheers!

Jess :]

fool

[eighty nine]

There was this one time a while ago when I got lost in a Staples with my dad. I wasn't lost with him, but I wandered away from him while we were shopping there on a Sunday, I was about seven. I remember just being enthralled with how things looked, how they were packaged, and everything. then I realised I wasn't holding my Dad's hand, I wasn't holding any hand at all. That's a big thing for me, being connected in embrace or touching hands, because it is just a way for me to know that I have someone to hold onto. So I started crying, and found a lady with a staples shirt on, and told her that I was lost. She paged my dad, who came running, embarassed, and to this day I kind of wish that I hadn't gotten lost, but I think it helps me to remember that, even though I get lost sometimes, I've always got someone there, running to catch me, running to hold my hand. I can count on them.

This is true of myself, aswell, and I think it is important that everyone truly believes in themselves, and trusts themselves, in order to attain happiness.

Have a lovely night, sorry that this is late, I was chattin' and things.

with love and hopes and big dreams,

Jess :]