[three hundred, thirty-two]
The chances of me writing another blog today are slim, so, two tomorrow I promise! Which will be easy, it's the last day of class! I'm doing a talk today about the low vision kids and things and I'm nervous, and then I'm heading to my biogirls' place for gingerbread making!
I'm in a weird mood again. I'm uncomfortable and I feel like nothing's ending, not even exams will end this feeling. I'm not stressed, I'm just tired. Tired of being me, I think, tired of having to deal with everything that I think. I'm tired of my thinking mind, I like my dreaming mind a lot better. I'm reverting back to my dream-crave state, where I want to make up a different story for me in my head..
Freud would tell me there's something wrong with this subconscious dreaming that is a bigger problem in my life, but I'm a poststructuralist, there's no being, I'm just a body.
I think it'd be wonderful for society to be less materialistic and more focused on happiness and love and all that bs, I don't know what to think anymore. Instability of thought rules my life lately.
Jess
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I'm hung up on you
[three hundred, thirty-one]
believably unbearable living in a surefire existence, it'd be reassuring to know the extension of lightyears, the measurement of forever, and the drastic drop below. what to expect, really, that is what we want to know. the atmosphere clearly doesn't allow room to grow, or experience, just a place to live out the workings that pre-determine our existence, our fate, but we define those through our livings. why can't the rain stop pelting and the work stop piling so that our heads can't keep above water.
I'm hungry, and I'm tired, and I'm uncomfortable and not feeling well. I think I have a headache and my ankle still hurts a lot. I overplanned this week I didn't even give myself a break... Just, too much, too much. I don't even have school work to do, just other things, my life is a single shelf full of books held together by two sturdy bookends, and the books are held so tightly together whenever I try toto take something off it won't budge, it's too important to fall, so I stand underneath that bookshelf and hold it above my head, but there's too many books I'm going to drop it.
I just fell asleep for an hour... I can't take naps on regular days, and I had a full night of sleep last night. If this doesn't mean I'm just physically and mentally exhausted I don't know what does. I feel sick.
Jess :
believably unbearable living in a surefire existence, it'd be reassuring to know the extension of lightyears, the measurement of forever, and the drastic drop below. what to expect, really, that is what we want to know. the atmosphere clearly doesn't allow room to grow, or experience, just a place to live out the workings that pre-determine our existence, our fate, but we define those through our livings. why can't the rain stop pelting and the work stop piling so that our heads can't keep above water.
I'm hungry, and I'm tired, and I'm uncomfortable and not feeling well. I think I have a headache and my ankle still hurts a lot. I overplanned this week I didn't even give myself a break... Just, too much, too much. I don't even have school work to do, just other things, my life is a single shelf full of books held together by two sturdy bookends, and the books are held so tightly together whenever I try toto take something off it won't budge, it's too important to fall, so I stand underneath that bookshelf and hold it above my head, but there's too many books I'm going to drop it.
I just fell asleep for an hour... I can't take naps on regular days, and I had a full night of sleep last night. If this doesn't mean I'm just physically and mentally exhausted I don't know what does. I feel sick.
Jess :
Monday, November 28, 2011
only thirty five days left..
[three hundred, thirty]
I don't have much to say today. This weekend was such a good weekend regardless of any torn ankle or lack of money or anything along those lines. It was full of smiling and Christmas and good times, everything was so good. I enjoyed myself, and I think that's what counts the most these days. I finished my last reading of the semester tonight along with my last essay, so I'm basically home free I'm thinking about starting a pre-finals novel before I can go home and read books over the holidays--for fun of course!
There is something plaguing me, and I feel like I think it's because the relationships I surround myself with aren't adult relationships yet. I need to change this, but I don't know how. I'm going to think about this, the dynamic of growing relationships and how some move along but others stay stuck in one place.
Aren't relationships neat? NOT.
I am in such a weird mood, something to do with my foot hurting and not eating enough vegetables today. I worried a lot about this yesterday and Saturday, so maybe today was my break from super healthy ish eating.. Everyone needs a break occaisionally, right?
Standing on the tiles thinking about why am I so upset, why am I holding back tears, why is it that I don't want to be with you every second of every day, but once every three weeks is not enough. Let's move on.
take care,
JEss :]
I don't have much to say today. This weekend was such a good weekend regardless of any torn ankle or lack of money or anything along those lines. It was full of smiling and Christmas and good times, everything was so good. I enjoyed myself, and I think that's what counts the most these days. I finished my last reading of the semester tonight along with my last essay, so I'm basically home free I'm thinking about starting a pre-finals novel before I can go home and read books over the holidays--for fun of course!
There is something plaguing me, and I feel like I think it's because the relationships I surround myself with aren't adult relationships yet. I need to change this, but I don't know how. I'm going to think about this, the dynamic of growing relationships and how some move along but others stay stuck in one place.
Aren't relationships neat? NOT.
I am in such a weird mood, something to do with my foot hurting and not eating enough vegetables today. I worried a lot about this yesterday and Saturday, so maybe today was my break from super healthy ish eating.. Everyone needs a break occaisionally, right?
Standing on the tiles thinking about why am I so upset, why am I holding back tears, why is it that I don't want to be with you every second of every day, but once every three weeks is not enough. Let's move on.
take care,
JEss :]
Saturday, November 26, 2011
baby, it's cold outside
[three hundred, twenty-nine]
It's been a hard week, and it's so nice to have an ending that is relatively nice. I just want to be immersed in Christmas from now until Boxing day, and I intend to be. I think that it's important for me to stay positive now, even though most of the work for the semester is over, I still have to focus on finals and readings and...I just need that little mental break of Chrsitmas.
I also need to clean my room, it's an epidemic.
I'm running out of patience for winter though, I miss the snow and getting to walk home in the lovely winter air... I'm so weird. I wish that there wasn't school to worry about right now, but we could all just watch christmas movies and dance and have a good time bfore actual christmas. I only get like four hours wiht my roommates to do that before they leave for home for the holidays. I can't wait for the holidays.
I miss my family, and doing fun things wiwth them for the break, and watching movies with my siblings and wrapping presents and making cookies with my mom, and watching christmas specials with my brother while he plays with the chrsitmas tree, or finding new christmas music with my dad and drinking egg nog, or the christmas drives and making dinners and new jammies on christmas eve, or sleeping with my siblings on christmas eve and waking up and seeing how excited everyone is, and that one phone call in the morning to ceara to say happy christmas and have a good day, and that i'll see her later, spending my day with her watching movies and eating goodies and hugging and being christmas.
This is my time of the year, and always, always will be. I hope everyone has an amazing beginning to their season, I get to go home and decorate the christmas tree with my family tomorrow, the christmas cd's are coming out, hello Bing and Dog with red santa hat!
Happy Christmas,
Jess <3
It's been a hard week, and it's so nice to have an ending that is relatively nice. I just want to be immersed in Christmas from now until Boxing day, and I intend to be. I think that it's important for me to stay positive now, even though most of the work for the semester is over, I still have to focus on finals and readings and...I just need that little mental break of Chrsitmas.
I also need to clean my room, it's an epidemic.
I'm running out of patience for winter though, I miss the snow and getting to walk home in the lovely winter air... I'm so weird. I wish that there wasn't school to worry about right now, but we could all just watch christmas movies and dance and have a good time bfore actual christmas. I only get like four hours wiht my roommates to do that before they leave for home for the holidays. I can't wait for the holidays.
I miss my family, and doing fun things wiwth them for the break, and watching movies with my siblings and wrapping presents and making cookies with my mom, and watching christmas specials with my brother while he plays with the chrsitmas tree, or finding new christmas music with my dad and drinking egg nog, or the christmas drives and making dinners and new jammies on christmas eve, or sleeping with my siblings on christmas eve and waking up and seeing how excited everyone is, and that one phone call in the morning to ceara to say happy christmas and have a good day, and that i'll see her later, spending my day with her watching movies and eating goodies and hugging and being christmas.
This is my time of the year, and always, always will be. I hope everyone has an amazing beginning to their season, I get to go home and decorate the christmas tree with my family tomorrow, the christmas cd's are coming out, hello Bing and Dog with red santa hat!
Happy Christmas,
Jess <3
it's about time i did this
[three hundred, twenty-eight]
Late one evening amidst the snow and tossing flakes that covered the land, a small sleigh sat neatly tucked between two large snow-covered houses. A man sat there, he was dressed in red. His sleigh seemed to be abandonded otherwise, semingly empty for a man of his known stature, no sack of toys no flying hooved mammals, and yet he sat, rosy cheeked and smiling, in the dark and the cold, waiting.
It wasn't long before another sleigh appeared, and through the corner of his eye the red-clad fellow could tell it was who he thought it was. A large booming voice, although words indecipherable through the wind, could be heard high above him. As the other sleigh came closer to landing near the first, the man in red stood slowly, still smiling.
The exchanged sleighs, and it wasn't clear who the other man was, but siles, handshakes, and sleighs were exchanged. It was almost as if there was an unspoken code, words exchanged although nothing was said. As the first red-clad man got into the newly arrived sleigh, that of which was sporting a large, overflowing sack and eight prancing deer that all looked tired from a long journey, the new man from the new sleigh hopped in the first sleigh, and sat, joyfully out of breath, and waved as the initial red-clad man started off into the night.
Leaving the flying sleigh's pilot behind, the red man flew off into the night, landing on houses and delivering his duties upon those that he did, and as his turn came to an end, the reindeer took him to another sitting sleigh, nestled between two other houses far from the beginning, where another man in red sat, and where another exchange was made. As the new pilot flew off, the first man in red sat in the new sleigh, smiling, cheeks even more rosy than before, and waited.
In an instant, the sleigh rose, and zoomed away from the houses, backk to the North Pole, where this man in red claimed his home with his wife between the other houses meant for the others, his job for the day was done.
Focus: Christmas, duh
Jess :]
Late one evening amidst the snow and tossing flakes that covered the land, a small sleigh sat neatly tucked between two large snow-covered houses. A man sat there, he was dressed in red. His sleigh seemed to be abandonded otherwise, semingly empty for a man of his known stature, no sack of toys no flying hooved mammals, and yet he sat, rosy cheeked and smiling, in the dark and the cold, waiting.
It wasn't long before another sleigh appeared, and through the corner of his eye the red-clad fellow could tell it was who he thought it was. A large booming voice, although words indecipherable through the wind, could be heard high above him. As the other sleigh came closer to landing near the first, the man in red stood slowly, still smiling.
The exchanged sleighs, and it wasn't clear who the other man was, but siles, handshakes, and sleighs were exchanged. It was almost as if there was an unspoken code, words exchanged although nothing was said. As the first red-clad man got into the newly arrived sleigh, that of which was sporting a large, overflowing sack and eight prancing deer that all looked tired from a long journey, the new man from the new sleigh hopped in the first sleigh, and sat, joyfully out of breath, and waved as the initial red-clad man started off into the night.
Leaving the flying sleigh's pilot behind, the red man flew off into the night, landing on houses and delivering his duties upon those that he did, and as his turn came to an end, the reindeer took him to another sitting sleigh, nestled between two other houses far from the beginning, where another man in red sat, and where another exchange was made. As the new pilot flew off, the first man in red sat in the new sleigh, smiling, cheeks even more rosy than before, and waited.
In an instant, the sleigh rose, and zoomed away from the houses, backk to the North Pole, where this man in red claimed his home with his wife between the other houses meant for the others, his job for the day was done.
Focus: Christmas, duh
Jess :]
THURSDAY happened
[three hundred, twenty-seven]
I fell yesterday. I think it had something to do with me being jumbled in thoughts and furiousness and not paying attention, but combine that with my lack of depth perception and low vision it makes for disaster. So, naturally, the stairs came up from under me and I fell, and it hurt and things, now I'm sort of just... Trying to make things better.
Story of my life, trying to make things better.
I'm sick of people giving up, or settling. Life is so beautiful, and I can say that and I have had to deal with crutches and pain and all this crap, it truly is the reason we're here: to experience the world and its wonders and its harmonies and beauty and people relationships love, challenges, it's for the experience, not the depth or the knowledge or the little things, well, those little things. It's for the deep orange sky behind an African sun at sunrise, it's for the quiet walks around the neighbourhood during Christmastime, it's for the midnight laughter and the feeling of someone's hand in yours. It's for a life worth living, and if you don't believe your life is worth living you're taking this world for granted.
I only get frustrated about that because one of my biggest fears running out of time. The things that I want to do like see the world and live in big places and change lives all happen in small, incrimental bits. I don't dream unrealistically, but I dream big, and I try my best to get there. I know that maybe not all of my dreams will be achieved, but some variation of them will be. I don't believe in quitting for those dreams, regardless of society or people or life, I will get what I want.
I want to be happy.
That seems like not a very tall order, but in all reality there are so many unhappy people in the world that it should not be taken for granted. I have a loving family (many, actually!) and a loving boyfriend, amazing friends, a good education a good head on my shoulders, many homes and food and enough money to leisurely do things that I'd like to,. I have opportunities coming up that people)myself included) dream about, and it can only get better for me. I've had enough done for me, it's time for my life to give me a break.
And even if I don't get a break, I continue to strive for happiness, because that is what matter to me. So take a little time today to be thankful for your Gosh darned life, because you only get one, and this is it.
Love,
Jess :]
I fell yesterday. I think it had something to do with me being jumbled in thoughts and furiousness and not paying attention, but combine that with my lack of depth perception and low vision it makes for disaster. So, naturally, the stairs came up from under me and I fell, and it hurt and things, now I'm sort of just... Trying to make things better.
Story of my life, trying to make things better.
I'm sick of people giving up, or settling. Life is so beautiful, and I can say that and I have had to deal with crutches and pain and all this crap, it truly is the reason we're here: to experience the world and its wonders and its harmonies and beauty and people relationships love, challenges, it's for the experience, not the depth or the knowledge or the little things, well, those little things. It's for the deep orange sky behind an African sun at sunrise, it's for the quiet walks around the neighbourhood during Christmastime, it's for the midnight laughter and the feeling of someone's hand in yours. It's for a life worth living, and if you don't believe your life is worth living you're taking this world for granted.
I only get frustrated about that because one of my biggest fears running out of time. The things that I want to do like see the world and live in big places and change lives all happen in small, incrimental bits. I don't dream unrealistically, but I dream big, and I try my best to get there. I know that maybe not all of my dreams will be achieved, but some variation of them will be. I don't believe in quitting for those dreams, regardless of society or people or life, I will get what I want.
I want to be happy.
That seems like not a very tall order, but in all reality there are so many unhappy people in the world that it should not be taken for granted. I have a loving family (many, actually!) and a loving boyfriend, amazing friends, a good education a good head on my shoulders, many homes and food and enough money to leisurely do things that I'd like to,. I have opportunities coming up that people)myself included) dream about, and it can only get better for me. I've had enough done for me, it's time for my life to give me a break.
And even if I don't get a break, I continue to strive for happiness, because that is what matter to me. So take a little time today to be thankful for your Gosh darned life, because you only get one, and this is it.
Love,
Jess :]
for wednesday because i am behind
[three hundred, twenty-six]
what about falling, right?
What about falling right through a hole,
a whole flight down Alice fell too, right
through the looking glass, the rabbit's pathway,
but still falling nonetheless,
like a train would on a hill, like a train on a hill,
or mountain,
it would fall if pushed or tumble and shatter,
just like the glass would, if pushed, right?
Pushed right over, because no one likes falling,
especially without ends,
or wonder,
nobody falls without curiosity,
or desire but who desires anymore?
Everyone just falls, in an instant,
no time for longing or mysterious courting or
a jest, right?
Right, like Alice, the illusion is flawless,
and Alice believed, blinded by wonder,
and falling,
too blinded to see that above there was a right
and wrong way to fall,
and this was neither.
focus: falling
Jess :]
what about falling, right?
What about falling right through a hole,
a whole flight down Alice fell too, right
through the looking glass, the rabbit's pathway,
but still falling nonetheless,
like a train would on a hill, like a train on a hill,
or mountain,
it would fall if pushed or tumble and shatter,
just like the glass would, if pushed, right?
Pushed right over, because no one likes falling,
especially without ends,
or wonder,
nobody falls without curiosity,
or desire but who desires anymore?
Everyone just falls, in an instant,
no time for longing or mysterious courting or
a jest, right?
Right, like Alice, the illusion is flawless,
and Alice believed, blinded by wonder,
and falling,
too blinded to see that above there was a right
and wrong way to fall,
and this was neither.
focus: falling
Jess :]
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
tight knit
[three hundred, twenty-five]
I'm stressed out and drowning in work. I feel like I am that blind, that blind university student who cannot see the end. By the end of tomorrow or Thursday morning I will know how much release I will get for the weekend. You know what would be lovely? Insane guided meditation. I'm thinking about doing it tomorrow night before bed, so that I will actually be able to sleep. The anxiety has set in enough to almost not let me sleep last night... I am hoping with all of the hope I can muster that I sleep tonight. I need it, my bruises sometimes referred to as my eyes and my headaches would appreciate it, so would be productivity and attention span...
Irritably, I don't feel like talking to anyone at all. I've never really felt like that before, that I just do NOT want to talk because I feel like I'm burdening my bad mood on everyone else. I'm exhausted, and annoying, and rude and tired and sleepy, and cold, and just would really like some christmas time and some hot chocolate. I think that is a must, soon.
Maybe on the way to school tomorrow I'll get a chai tea latte, or the way home, maybe that'd be worth it. I think so.
Jess :]
I'm stressed out and drowning in work. I feel like I am that blind, that blind university student who cannot see the end. By the end of tomorrow or Thursday morning I will know how much release I will get for the weekend. You know what would be lovely? Insane guided meditation. I'm thinking about doing it tomorrow night before bed, so that I will actually be able to sleep. The anxiety has set in enough to almost not let me sleep last night... I am hoping with all of the hope I can muster that I sleep tonight. I need it, my bruises sometimes referred to as my eyes and my headaches would appreciate it, so would be productivity and attention span...
Irritably, I don't feel like talking to anyone at all. I've never really felt like that before, that I just do NOT want to talk because I feel like I'm burdening my bad mood on everyone else. I'm exhausted, and annoying, and rude and tired and sleepy, and cold, and just would really like some christmas time and some hot chocolate. I think that is a must, soon.
Maybe on the way to school tomorrow I'll get a chai tea latte, or the way home, maybe that'd be worth it. I think so.
Jess :]
Monday, November 21, 2011
see what I'm invited to, bring down the hallway curtains
[three hundred, twenty-four?]
I can't remember what number I'm on. I decided to take off my glasses about half an hour ago because my eyes were so dry and hurt, and I have a huge headache, and I've just been thinking about normalcy and why I am so peculiar. I mean, I don't wear makeup and I like clutter, I refer to musicians as heroes and read only poetry books for fun because they are short. Most of those things have justifications, but first impressions of me are apparently pretentious and outrageous. I don't understand things sometimes...
I wish my room felt like an icicle, it would make me feel more of my breath in my chest. I think the actual physicality of breathing within my chest brings me back down sort of releases me from my head, and takes me into a deeper sense of knowing. Production of circulation and thoughts always start when I think about nothing.
Like in the shower I think about the water pounding over my head, and it takes it back to such a mundane feeling, simplicity. I thrive on simplicity, and yet I feel like everything about me is so complex. I should just quit everything and travel the world; doing yoga on mountain tops and writing poetry, wearing clothes that I want and dancing outrageously in nightclubs across the world. I feel like this is the lifestyle I was..well, relatively meant to live. Either that, or be an absurdist playwright in the nineteen sixties who was involved in woodstock and was a band aid.
I still am a band aid, the death rattle of rock hasn't caught up with me yet.
Despite my blindness my ears thrive as well, and I take notice of such little things, and I miss so much, that I feel like even if you said nothing for your entire life you would not be able to catch every glimpse of noticeable information, every last notion of importance in life and you would miss just as much as you would experiencing it. Why am I talking about this? I am spending too much time on this. (ha-ha).
I was dancing this weekend, and I realised I want long hair. This is the new goal: to have long hair. So that when it is messy, which is frequently, it will look intentional, or just not as noticeable, or I'll feel better about it anwyay regardless of the explanation I'm trying for it now... Until next summer, when I'll want it short so when I go to the beach it looks rad.
And when I see the Pink Floyd concert in June I can head bang like a boss. Can you head bang to Pink Floyd? If I can air guitar to Christmas music, I can make anything happen.
I don't know wher all of this is coming from, so I'm going to lay down and sort of breathe for a bit. I'm wrapped up in my own head for now, I'll try to be a little more concise tomorrow.
love,
Jess :][
I can't remember what number I'm on. I decided to take off my glasses about half an hour ago because my eyes were so dry and hurt, and I have a huge headache, and I've just been thinking about normalcy and why I am so peculiar. I mean, I don't wear makeup and I like clutter, I refer to musicians as heroes and read only poetry books for fun because they are short. Most of those things have justifications, but first impressions of me are apparently pretentious and outrageous. I don't understand things sometimes...
I wish my room felt like an icicle, it would make me feel more of my breath in my chest. I think the actual physicality of breathing within my chest brings me back down sort of releases me from my head, and takes me into a deeper sense of knowing. Production of circulation and thoughts always start when I think about nothing.
Like in the shower I think about the water pounding over my head, and it takes it back to such a mundane feeling, simplicity. I thrive on simplicity, and yet I feel like everything about me is so complex. I should just quit everything and travel the world; doing yoga on mountain tops and writing poetry, wearing clothes that I want and dancing outrageously in nightclubs across the world. I feel like this is the lifestyle I was..well, relatively meant to live. Either that, or be an absurdist playwright in the nineteen sixties who was involved in woodstock and was a band aid.
I still am a band aid, the death rattle of rock hasn't caught up with me yet.
Despite my blindness my ears thrive as well, and I take notice of such little things, and I miss so much, that I feel like even if you said nothing for your entire life you would not be able to catch every glimpse of noticeable information, every last notion of importance in life and you would miss just as much as you would experiencing it. Why am I talking about this? I am spending too much time on this. (ha-ha).
I was dancing this weekend, and I realised I want long hair. This is the new goal: to have long hair. So that when it is messy, which is frequently, it will look intentional, or just not as noticeable, or I'll feel better about it anwyay regardless of the explanation I'm trying for it now... Until next summer, when I'll want it short so when I go to the beach it looks rad.
And when I see the Pink Floyd concert in June I can head bang like a boss. Can you head bang to Pink Floyd? If I can air guitar to Christmas music, I can make anything happen.
I don't know wher all of this is coming from, so I'm going to lay down and sort of breathe for a bit. I'm wrapped up in my own head for now, I'll try to be a little more concise tomorrow.
love,
Jess :][
Sunday, November 20, 2011
caught in the corner, correction, captivity
[three hundred, twenty-three]
a little note to all of the people who are important in my life: I am a supportive person. I could be in the middle of a stress and anxiety hurricane and I would still drop everything if you needed something. I would go for lunch even if I had no money. I would stay up late with you, and take care of you, and do anything I could if you really needed it. I love the people who are important to me, and sometimes I'm not good enough, and sometimes I forget to say little things or ask a question or mention something or do a little nice thing, but I do my best. I will always be there to listen, I'm terrible at advice but I will try. I'm good for hugs and a hand to hold and reminding to check blood sugars even if you aren't low, just in case. I will wipe away tears, go on embarassing pharmacy runs, spend copious amounts of time in the basement because the scary movie scared us too much to run up the stairs. I try my best to be the best and even if I fall short sometimes, nobody can stretch their arms too far wide, I just try and pretend that I can.
love always,s mmile often, breathe in peace exhale stress, cheers,
Jess :]
a little note to all of the people who are important in my life: I am a supportive person. I could be in the middle of a stress and anxiety hurricane and I would still drop everything if you needed something. I would go for lunch even if I had no money. I would stay up late with you, and take care of you, and do anything I could if you really needed it. I love the people who are important to me, and sometimes I'm not good enough, and sometimes I forget to say little things or ask a question or mention something or do a little nice thing, but I do my best. I will always be there to listen, I'm terrible at advice but I will try. I'm good for hugs and a hand to hold and reminding to check blood sugars even if you aren't low, just in case. I will wipe away tears, go on embarassing pharmacy runs, spend copious amounts of time in the basement because the scary movie scared us too much to run up the stairs. I try my best to be the best and even if I fall short sometimes, nobody can stretch their arms too far wide, I just try and pretend that I can.
love always,s mmile often, breathe in peace exhale stress, cheers,
Jess :]
Are you smart today?
pthree hundred, twenty-two]
No, I am not smart today, somedays I have moments but not today. I tried really, everyday everyone tries to be smart but here at university it is "how smart are you today?" Or anything really along those lines. I like to pretend that I don't care, and yet I still am disappointed with low marks. I am doing my best, and my best isn't good at all.
How depressing.
I feel like I should do a little bit more work. Isn't there anything else I co-no, I am NOT asking that question. I just feel like I've been on a break all weekend, and I get back, work for six ish seven hours and I'm done what I wanted to for today. Five cups of amazing tea later...
I only like wearing socks that are either cozy or have soft, aloe-infused insides that moisturise my feet. Otherwise, I'd rather my stupid dry feet not in something that will itch or otherwise obstruct my comfort. I hate socks in general, but around christmas I wear them most of the time. Is it weird that small things like that, small, insignificant things that cost what two dollars can cause such a change.
Same for tunes. A christmas melody could come on anywhere and instant interest happens, you want to hear more. It cheers me right up, atleast, and to be honest I would rather be cheery than any other mood... Ever.
I don't know what to write about today. I talked about being cheery, I haven't been feeling philosophical lately, which is unfortunate for the last forty-ish posts of my blog. I want these to be all me, and yet my head is full of too much work to squeeze anything remotely useful or gratifying out.
So I guess I'll have to wait for that, those spurts, until either later on tonight as I still have one blog to write today, or later this week when my stress levels aren't inflicting short bursts of anxiety... May be four years from now, when I graduate. I want more of that amazing tea, badly.
I wrote a poem last post, and I like writing the poetry. I've been thinking about what to do after this blog is up in just over a month, and I haven't decided. I'm going to keep this one only a little bit in January until I turn twenty, and then I may start a different one that I post on certain days a week or something. I have to look at starting themes so that I have some sort of a prompt anyday...
There once was a girl who lived in a city where there were no trees. She cried everyday and didn't know why. One day she walked to the outskirts of the city, the borders were framed by high black iron gates that did not let anything out. She looked past them and tried to see the city beyond, but she could see nothing. There was a loud crack, and something fell over the gate near her and made it fall, she gasped and leapt back a little. A man, holding a large sharp weapon and wearing plaid colours popped his head through the empty space to look inside the city. He smiled, and she came closed. This was a tree, he told her, and he was here to bring them inside so that everyone could breathe easy again. The girl felt as though she was going to cry, but then took a long deep breath, and felt the air enter her and she smiled back at the man. Touching the tree, she realised this was what was missing in the city, the man was their saviour. She never felt like crying again. The end.
I don't know what that was.. I've been thinking about origin stories lately --surprise-- and I've been wanting to write my own. I'm thinking about writing after this week is over, finally!
Take care!
Jess :]
No, I am not smart today, somedays I have moments but not today. I tried really, everyday everyone tries to be smart but here at university it is "how smart are you today?" Or anything really along those lines. I like to pretend that I don't care, and yet I still am disappointed with low marks. I am doing my best, and my best isn't good at all.
How depressing.
I feel like I should do a little bit more work. Isn't there anything else I co-no, I am NOT asking that question. I just feel like I've been on a break all weekend, and I get back, work for six ish seven hours and I'm done what I wanted to for today. Five cups of amazing tea later...
I only like wearing socks that are either cozy or have soft, aloe-infused insides that moisturise my feet. Otherwise, I'd rather my stupid dry feet not in something that will itch or otherwise obstruct my comfort. I hate socks in general, but around christmas I wear them most of the time. Is it weird that small things like that, small, insignificant things that cost what two dollars can cause such a change.
Same for tunes. A christmas melody could come on anywhere and instant interest happens, you want to hear more. It cheers me right up, atleast, and to be honest I would rather be cheery than any other mood... Ever.
I don't know what to write about today. I talked about being cheery, I haven't been feeling philosophical lately, which is unfortunate for the last forty-ish posts of my blog. I want these to be all me, and yet my head is full of too much work to squeeze anything remotely useful or gratifying out.
So I guess I'll have to wait for that, those spurts, until either later on tonight as I still have one blog to write today, or later this week when my stress levels aren't inflicting short bursts of anxiety... May be four years from now, when I graduate. I want more of that amazing tea, badly.
I wrote a poem last post, and I like writing the poetry. I've been thinking about what to do after this blog is up in just over a month, and I haven't decided. I'm going to keep this one only a little bit in January until I turn twenty, and then I may start a different one that I post on certain days a week or something. I have to look at starting themes so that I have some sort of a prompt anyday...
There once was a girl who lived in a city where there were no trees. She cried everyday and didn't know why. One day she walked to the outskirts of the city, the borders were framed by high black iron gates that did not let anything out. She looked past them and tried to see the city beyond, but she could see nothing. There was a loud crack, and something fell over the gate near her and made it fall, she gasped and leapt back a little. A man, holding a large sharp weapon and wearing plaid colours popped his head through the empty space to look inside the city. He smiled, and she came closed. This was a tree, he told her, and he was here to bring them inside so that everyone could breathe easy again. The girl felt as though she was going to cry, but then took a long deep breath, and felt the air enter her and she smiled back at the man. Touching the tree, she realised this was what was missing in the city, the man was their saviour. She never felt like crying again. The end.
I don't know what that was.. I've been thinking about origin stories lately --surprise-- and I've been wanting to write my own. I'm thinking about writing after this week is over, finally!
Take care!
Jess :]
out of three or thirds
[three hundred, twenty-one]
hundreds more were there inverted noises they come from inside,
and we laughed a lot then, through our noses mostly so that
in the middle everyone could've heard us, squeeling with bliss
but there isn't anything in the center, our pastries come hollow,
our balloons deflated, our machinery mechanics flanked with water
not batteries,
the preparation fleets us, and so we take to laughter,
we take to shrills, sometimes, shrill or squelching,
indeterminate hopeless, womb-less laughter, eyes tight with fingers,
fingers pressed to the sky like salutes for a higher seeing
someone who could have prepared, brought up, caught up the world,
and we still sit and laugh, unpack our baskets (which came empty)
and are now full of laundry, linens caked with headlines from journals,
stating the latest news here-by declarations of insanity,
or injustice,
or wrong-doings, negativity blaming the world for their doings,
no guided path, no tomorrow day, no now now never not now,
because there are things inside sometimes, but nothing is ever with us
from the start, or from before the start,
un-womb-like, irrefutable pricelessness due to lack of...
of... anything. Just lack. There is nothing, but, lack.
focus: I started with baskets,...?
Jess :]
hundreds more were there inverted noises they come from inside,
and we laughed a lot then, through our noses mostly so that
in the middle everyone could've heard us, squeeling with bliss
but there isn't anything in the center, our pastries come hollow,
our balloons deflated, our machinery mechanics flanked with water
not batteries,
the preparation fleets us, and so we take to laughter,
we take to shrills, sometimes, shrill or squelching,
indeterminate hopeless, womb-less laughter, eyes tight with fingers,
fingers pressed to the sky like salutes for a higher seeing
someone who could have prepared, brought up, caught up the world,
and we still sit and laugh, unpack our baskets (which came empty)
and are now full of laundry, linens caked with headlines from journals,
stating the latest news here-by declarations of insanity,
or injustice,
or wrong-doings, negativity blaming the world for their doings,
no guided path, no tomorrow day, no now now never not now,
because there are things inside sometimes, but nothing is ever with us
from the start, or from before the start,
un-womb-like, irrefutable pricelessness due to lack of...
of... anything. Just lack. There is nothing, but, lack.
focus: I started with baskets,...?
Jess :]
Thursday, November 17, 2011
going to write a poem, and then crying instead
[three hundred, twenty]
So I was going to write a poem today, I had a really good idea this morning and everything, but I don't feel like it anymore. I feel like a short little blog about my weekend coming up. I'm going home tomorrow so there won't be blogs posted until Sunday, but I am so excited because I get to be with my family. I am already with my family all the time here, and I have families everywhere, but at home I get to be with the ones who've known me the longest, and who love me, and who I protect.
So I get to go home and eat cookies and watch the Christmas Parade, and hold hands with everyone I love. I think people don't hold hands enough. I want to hold hands with everyone I love, because I want them to know that I hold on tight and don't let go, no matter how long, hard, tiring, scared, dangerous, regardless of the situation I put my fingers in a lock. It's a promise, really, and I take it seriously.
So this weekend should be good. I have to go to our last show night on Saturday and do homework all day sunday, so, I should be in a swell mood come Monday! I am not looking forward to all this other than the fact that next friday, exactly one week from tomorrow, I will be done coursework for the semester. I am living for that evening right now.
I hope everyone has a lovely friday! It is going to be such a good day! Happy Christmas!
cheers,
Jess :]
So I was going to write a poem today, I had a really good idea this morning and everything, but I don't feel like it anymore. I feel like a short little blog about my weekend coming up. I'm going home tomorrow so there won't be blogs posted until Sunday, but I am so excited because I get to be with my family. I am already with my family all the time here, and I have families everywhere, but at home I get to be with the ones who've known me the longest, and who love me, and who I protect.
So I get to go home and eat cookies and watch the Christmas Parade, and hold hands with everyone I love. I think people don't hold hands enough. I want to hold hands with everyone I love, because I want them to know that I hold on tight and don't let go, no matter how long, hard, tiring, scared, dangerous, regardless of the situation I put my fingers in a lock. It's a promise, really, and I take it seriously.
So this weekend should be good. I have to go to our last show night on Saturday and do homework all day sunday, so, I should be in a swell mood come Monday! I am not looking forward to all this other than the fact that next friday, exactly one week from tomorrow, I will be done coursework for the semester. I am living for that evening right now.
I hope everyone has a lovely friday! It is going to be such a good day! Happy Christmas!
cheers,
Jess :]
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
don't remind me
pthree hundred, nineteen]
I need ideas for presents? Help? I've had an alright day, hasn't been too terrible, in need of some sort of organisation for my thoughts though, I wrote a paper, I read it over, it's...er...interesting.. Atleast something's down for my editing appointment tomorrow. I just found everything I needed for resources on the archives for tomorrow should take only an hour which is nice. I just want things to go smoothly from now until friday night.
Atleast on Friday night I could possibly be done the papers due next week, started studying, finished a project, etc. etc... Chances of everything being polished are slim, but atleast I'll have a little more peace of mind.
Breathe in peace, breathe our stress. In. Out.
I need to put the sheets back onto my bed, which I should do before I get into bed, but I don't really have the incentive to right now, so, it'd be nice but it probably won't happen until tomorrow. I finished everything I needed for tomorrow though, so, I'm sort of stoked about life today. I guess that's because I don't feel terrible, funny how that works.
Except when it comes to the organisation of my thoughts. Why do I think in such non-linear ways? I don't even work backward, it's sort of like a belly flop, I attack the ideas with my whole body at once, I try to get it all out there and it turns out confusing and muddled and is a little bit painful.
Great metaphor I know, or simile, who knows.
Bottom line is I'm ready for christmas, I'm ready for next friday, I'm ready for something to eat actually I need a shnack, maybe I'll finish that popcorn.. And I have to do the dishes. These are the things on my mind. I need to do some more research tomorrow and get my paper sorted out before I can relax smooth sailing until friday where I get to go home and go shopping and buy one present in particular.. I can't think of anything.. I'll have to think about it a little bit more.
A prof cancelled a class that is tomorrow. Life rocks.
Take care, have a lovely evening, please take a sec to smile for me today, you have so many reasons to smile it's ridiculous so just do it. Go on, go. I was in the bathroom in the bullring today and on the inside of one stall there were all of these cute happy messages about loving life and being great, so I'm going tomorrow to write one with a permanent marker. I'm excited. I love people.
love,
Jess :]
I need ideas for presents? Help? I've had an alright day, hasn't been too terrible, in need of some sort of organisation for my thoughts though, I wrote a paper, I read it over, it's...er...interesting.. Atleast something's down for my editing appointment tomorrow. I just found everything I needed for resources on the archives for tomorrow should take only an hour which is nice. I just want things to go smoothly from now until friday night.
Atleast on Friday night I could possibly be done the papers due next week, started studying, finished a project, etc. etc... Chances of everything being polished are slim, but atleast I'll have a little more peace of mind.
Breathe in peace, breathe our stress. In. Out.
I need to put the sheets back onto my bed, which I should do before I get into bed, but I don't really have the incentive to right now, so, it'd be nice but it probably won't happen until tomorrow. I finished everything I needed for tomorrow though, so, I'm sort of stoked about life today. I guess that's because I don't feel terrible, funny how that works.
Except when it comes to the organisation of my thoughts. Why do I think in such non-linear ways? I don't even work backward, it's sort of like a belly flop, I attack the ideas with my whole body at once, I try to get it all out there and it turns out confusing and muddled and is a little bit painful.
Great metaphor I know, or simile, who knows.
Bottom line is I'm ready for christmas, I'm ready for next friday, I'm ready for something to eat actually I need a shnack, maybe I'll finish that popcorn.. And I have to do the dishes. These are the things on my mind. I need to do some more research tomorrow and get my paper sorted out before I can relax smooth sailing until friday where I get to go home and go shopping and buy one present in particular.. I can't think of anything.. I'll have to think about it a little bit more.
A prof cancelled a class that is tomorrow. Life rocks.
Take care, have a lovely evening, please take a sec to smile for me today, you have so many reasons to smile it's ridiculous so just do it. Go on, go. I was in the bathroom in the bullring today and on the inside of one stall there were all of these cute happy messages about loving life and being great, so I'm going tomorrow to write one with a permanent marker. I'm excited. I love people.
love,
Jess :]
eric clapton makes me want to breathe
[three hundred, eighteen]
I am late on this, and funnily enough I decided to write this during a class, because I know I need to catch up. I just had this idea, about how I live my life and things, and I think this semester is different than the past couple because well, I’ve been through all of these changes, and this is the first time that I’ve actually put effort into being okay independently. I had a boyfriend or someone to lean on last semester, right now it’s sort of distant, and I’m struggling with trying to get everything oalright inside my head.
And Dr. Paul continues to talk about queer theatre, the same thing he’s repeated over and over for the past half hour. He just laughed, lawl.
I think that regardless of my leaning, everyone needs to lean a little sometimes. Everyone needs that one person to tell you (or more than one) to tell you to go for that manicure, sleep in, take a little time for yourself….I don’t think I’ll be taking a lot of time for myself due to taking Friday night and Saturday off, but I will try to get peace of mind today and tomorrow, since I need it. I get too bogged down within my head if I don’t, and I cry a lot.. I cry a lot lately.
I don’t think like normal people, I think about other things, fun things, weird stupid crazy things, and thoughts are peculiar. Thoughts of independence for me think like paying bills, making food, being okay being alone… Things that I haven’t quite grasped yet, but I’m working on it. I think I have a handful, the #reindeergroupoffabulousfive or whatever it was, that I trust completely, and need in order to be okay alone. Maybe that makes me codependent, but there wasn’t anyone holding my hand when I fell asleep under the purple and blue light that last surgery where I awoke in darkness, so to be perfectly honest I can do this alone.
Nobody understands what I’ve gone through, and nothing I can say could ever explain to you the interest, the emotions, the pain and the recovery that I’ve gone through, but I know that enough people care about it that there’d be interest… But, but but but, I’m not writing that, probably never on this, never on the computer, never anything but some sort of oral presentation.
This post is making this class go by so much faster, I am actually so happy I thought of doing this. This hurts my wrist in this classroom though, what a setting… I want to go home and shower and sleep, but I can’t. I just.. I want to not be alone tonight. So much for independence.
Take care,
Jess :[
I am late on this, and funnily enough I decided to write this during a class, because I know I need to catch up. I just had this idea, about how I live my life and things, and I think this semester is different than the past couple because well, I’ve been through all of these changes, and this is the first time that I’ve actually put effort into being okay independently. I had a boyfriend or someone to lean on last semester, right now it’s sort of distant, and I’m struggling with trying to get everything oalright inside my head.
And Dr. Paul continues to talk about queer theatre, the same thing he’s repeated over and over for the past half hour. He just laughed, lawl.
I think that regardless of my leaning, everyone needs to lean a little sometimes. Everyone needs that one person to tell you (or more than one) to tell you to go for that manicure, sleep in, take a little time for yourself….I don’t think I’ll be taking a lot of time for myself due to taking Friday night and Saturday off, but I will try to get peace of mind today and tomorrow, since I need it. I get too bogged down within my head if I don’t, and I cry a lot.. I cry a lot lately.
I don’t think like normal people, I think about other things, fun things, weird stupid crazy things, and thoughts are peculiar. Thoughts of independence for me think like paying bills, making food, being okay being alone… Things that I haven’t quite grasped yet, but I’m working on it. I think I have a handful, the #reindeergroupoffabulousfive or whatever it was, that I trust completely, and need in order to be okay alone. Maybe that makes me codependent, but there wasn’t anyone holding my hand when I fell asleep under the purple and blue light that last surgery where I awoke in darkness, so to be perfectly honest I can do this alone.
Nobody understands what I’ve gone through, and nothing I can say could ever explain to you the interest, the emotions, the pain and the recovery that I’ve gone through, but I know that enough people care about it that there’d be interest… But, but but but, I’m not writing that, probably never on this, never on the computer, never anything but some sort of oral presentation.
This post is making this class go by so much faster, I am actually so happy I thought of doing this. This hurts my wrist in this classroom though, what a setting… I want to go home and shower and sleep, but I can’t. I just.. I want to not be alone tonight. So much for independence.
Take care,
Jess :[
Monday, November 14, 2011
good show, jolly good show
pthree hundred, eighteen[
I am so tired of being tired, I need to sleep early tonight in preparation for another long day, and another one Wednesday, and another Thursday, until Friday comes along and I can breathe again, in my boy's arms. Boy do I miss summer. I looked into yoga today for the holidays, only one class available, I'm thinking about taking it it's only once... I think I could look into one in Costa Rica as well, which would be nice.
I think I want to come back to school a little early next semester just so I can get my two feet on the ground before the classes actually start. right now I feel like I'm avoiding doing certain assignments and work that I shouldn't be avoiding, but I guess that I should get on top of some essays that are due next week. I have a project monday,e ssay tuesday, exam thursday and essay friday. I think I'm going to get both essays and the project done this week if I have anything to say about it.
This week is the week of writing, next shall be of editing.
I love apple juice, I think that juice is the type of thing that brings everyone back down to their insides, everyone remembers when they were little and their mom used to pour them juice in those little colourful ikea cups and they used to just be so happy, little smiles with little hands for little people at little breakfast time. I miss those smiles.
I've been talking a lot about smiles lately, I think because I set an intention for myself at the beginning of november to just stay simple and stay happy. I think midst all of this work and show and stress, a smile truly goes a long way. Keep your chin up, because everyone loves to see that smile.
Wow I miss summer though, I miss the freedom and the movies and the kids. I miss the kids a lot. I miss working everyday at a job that I loved. I miss spending the night with my best friends and my boyfriend and going out for food at two am or walking from a bar to get ice cream at midnight. I miss those croutons. I misss wearing dresses and going to the beach and playing in the water and eating fries. I miss driving, everywhere. I miss the sun and the shorts and the wind. I miss reading books that I actually like. I miss relaxation. I miss peace.
I guess this summer didn't have a whole lot of peace, but really I think that it had more than I have felt lately. I think Christmas will make up for that though. PEACE ON EARTH.
I remember one of the first blogs I ever wrote on here, and I called it "repeat the sounding joy"..... I love Christmas. I love peace. I love Joy. My sister's middle name is Joy. I miss my family.
Take care,
Jess :]
I am so tired of being tired, I need to sleep early tonight in preparation for another long day, and another one Wednesday, and another Thursday, until Friday comes along and I can breathe again, in my boy's arms. Boy do I miss summer. I looked into yoga today for the holidays, only one class available, I'm thinking about taking it it's only once... I think I could look into one in Costa Rica as well, which would be nice.
I think I want to come back to school a little early next semester just so I can get my two feet on the ground before the classes actually start. right now I feel like I'm avoiding doing certain assignments and work that I shouldn't be avoiding, but I guess that I should get on top of some essays that are due next week. I have a project monday,e ssay tuesday, exam thursday and essay friday. I think I'm going to get both essays and the project done this week if I have anything to say about it.
This week is the week of writing, next shall be of editing.
I love apple juice, I think that juice is the type of thing that brings everyone back down to their insides, everyone remembers when they were little and their mom used to pour them juice in those little colourful ikea cups and they used to just be so happy, little smiles with little hands for little people at little breakfast time. I miss those smiles.
I've been talking a lot about smiles lately, I think because I set an intention for myself at the beginning of november to just stay simple and stay happy. I think midst all of this work and show and stress, a smile truly goes a long way. Keep your chin up, because everyone loves to see that smile.
Wow I miss summer though, I miss the freedom and the movies and the kids. I miss the kids a lot. I miss working everyday at a job that I loved. I miss spending the night with my best friends and my boyfriend and going out for food at two am or walking from a bar to get ice cream at midnight. I miss those croutons. I misss wearing dresses and going to the beach and playing in the water and eating fries. I miss driving, everywhere. I miss the sun and the shorts and the wind. I miss reading books that I actually like. I miss relaxation. I miss peace.
I guess this summer didn't have a whole lot of peace, but really I think that it had more than I have felt lately. I think Christmas will make up for that though. PEACE ON EARTH.
I remember one of the first blogs I ever wrote on here, and I called it "repeat the sounding joy"..... I love Christmas. I love peace. I love Joy. My sister's middle name is Joy. I miss my family.
Take care,
Jess :]
Sunday, November 13, 2011
islands in the stream, that is what we are
[three hundred, seventeen]
Right now, as I sit in my christmas-decked pajamas, in my boyfriend's pajama pants, listening to my fan spin in the background, feeling tired and sore and empty, in my yellow room covered in pictures and notes and christmas lights, on my messy desk with a bouqet of flowers in one corner and an advent calendor in the other, I am struck with thoughts of safety.
The front door's locked, I've brushed my teeth, I have two amazing roommates and I don't feel like I should be worried about anything. Despite my large room, and my large bed, I find myself protected, being protective, and having thoughts of complete safety. I also have the hiccups and a headache, and my lips are chapped, but everything else seems to be going okay.
It has been so weird lately, my busiest days have been dealt with in waves of complete calmness, the mindset that although I am insanely busy and will be until...well, until I like graduate, I have these calm moods, they swoop in and remind me that amidst all of this chaos, there should be some sort of relief.
I get that through communication sometimes, or meditation, or writing or some escapeism dreams or movies, but lately I've been finding that simply being alone with my thoughts helps. Right now that seems to be helping, just creating a low level of stress inside my head so the exterior bullshit sort of just seeps in for a little, but doesn't make a home out of my head.
I wish I could pass this trick on.
I think it's how much I cry. Last night I cried for about an hour before I fell asleep. I'm homesick, and tired always never feeling rested, I have a constant headache these days and I'm feeling nauseous before and after eating, and yet I am happy. I smile at people at random all the time, I enjoy being around people and my friends. I still have those glimpses of distress, but for the most part I'm just keeping up.
Today, then, I cried a bit more after watching some sad movies, but really, it's just my emotions tugging at the seams of my sanity. I think that although I may not be completelly sane, I haven't been drowning in any deep salty soaking water that drags the best of people down towards the incomprehensible depths of mindlessness.
I think everybody needs an anchor once in a while, thought, a brief break from the distress signal, the red flashing light. I want to keep it simple, stupid. Life shouldn't be complicated we only get one, and during that one life we should take every opportunity, and not sweat the small things. I just want to smile all the time, and have people smile back at me.
Although, I won't be able to see.
I did see someone smile back at me yesterday, I almost cried. It's been a while since I've seen anything detailed past a foot from my face, so to see that under the bright stage lights in the cold theatre at ten pm on a Saturday night after doing a stressful show was just.. Needed. I didn't even know her well, and it totally brightened my day.
Smile, today, if only atleast for me...
take care,
Jess :]
Right now, as I sit in my christmas-decked pajamas, in my boyfriend's pajama pants, listening to my fan spin in the background, feeling tired and sore and empty, in my yellow room covered in pictures and notes and christmas lights, on my messy desk with a bouqet of flowers in one corner and an advent calendor in the other, I am struck with thoughts of safety.
The front door's locked, I've brushed my teeth, I have two amazing roommates and I don't feel like I should be worried about anything. Despite my large room, and my large bed, I find myself protected, being protective, and having thoughts of complete safety. I also have the hiccups and a headache, and my lips are chapped, but everything else seems to be going okay.
It has been so weird lately, my busiest days have been dealt with in waves of complete calmness, the mindset that although I am insanely busy and will be until...well, until I like graduate, I have these calm moods, they swoop in and remind me that amidst all of this chaos, there should be some sort of relief.
I get that through communication sometimes, or meditation, or writing or some escapeism dreams or movies, but lately I've been finding that simply being alone with my thoughts helps. Right now that seems to be helping, just creating a low level of stress inside my head so the exterior bullshit sort of just seeps in for a little, but doesn't make a home out of my head.
I wish I could pass this trick on.
I think it's how much I cry. Last night I cried for about an hour before I fell asleep. I'm homesick, and tired always never feeling rested, I have a constant headache these days and I'm feeling nauseous before and after eating, and yet I am happy. I smile at people at random all the time, I enjoy being around people and my friends. I still have those glimpses of distress, but for the most part I'm just keeping up.
Today, then, I cried a bit more after watching some sad movies, but really, it's just my emotions tugging at the seams of my sanity. I think that although I may not be completelly sane, I haven't been drowning in any deep salty soaking water that drags the best of people down towards the incomprehensible depths of mindlessness.
I think everybody needs an anchor once in a while, thought, a brief break from the distress signal, the red flashing light. I want to keep it simple, stupid. Life shouldn't be complicated we only get one, and during that one life we should take every opportunity, and not sweat the small things. I just want to smile all the time, and have people smile back at me.
Although, I won't be able to see.
I did see someone smile back at me yesterday, I almost cried. It's been a while since I've seen anything detailed past a foot from my face, so to see that under the bright stage lights in the cold theatre at ten pm on a Saturday night after doing a stressful show was just.. Needed. I didn't even know her well, and it totally brightened my day.
Smile, today, if only atleast for me...
take care,
Jess :]
we could've done this differently
[three hundred, sixteen[
Titles have never been important to me. I don't really care ofr fancy titles on papers, or these blogs, or anything really. That's why everything has been so random, just because I don't feel like making anything relevant. I'm the worst for that.
I've been thinking about sleeping more, or meditating more, or just taking time out of my day to relax more, the past week and the future two weeks have been really daunting, I don't think I'm ready... I don't think I'm ready. I haven't prepared myself enough to stay awake and to keep my motivation going.
I don't really know what to write about, I've been reading all day and knitting, I made myself a new scarf... With all of the end clippings of yarn, and I just really really like it, because I made it. I feel better about things that I've made myself even if they aren't the best looking, I love them. I like this scarf a lot.
My computer is about to overheat again...super...so...I will post some more tonight, I suppose...this has been, well, it has been writing atleast.
Jess
Titles have never been important to me. I don't really care ofr fancy titles on papers, or these blogs, or anything really. That's why everything has been so random, just because I don't feel like making anything relevant. I'm the worst for that.
I've been thinking about sleeping more, or meditating more, or just taking time out of my day to relax more, the past week and the future two weeks have been really daunting, I don't think I'm ready... I don't think I'm ready. I haven't prepared myself enough to stay awake and to keep my motivation going.
I don't really know what to write about, I've been reading all day and knitting, I made myself a new scarf... With all of the end clippings of yarn, and I just really really like it, because I made it. I feel better about things that I've made myself even if they aren't the best looking, I love them. I like this scarf a lot.
My computer is about to overheat again...super...so...I will post some more tonight, I suppose...this has been, well, it has been writing atleast.
Jess
Saturday, November 12, 2011
should i fall behind..
[three hundred, fifteen]
Wait for me.
My mom told me that she wanted that to be her wedding song but only in hindsight, since she didn't have an open enough mind for Bruce during the early years of her and dad's relationship. I love that song, it is sort of like an inspiration to keep on going, shooting for that someone or that happiness, that regardless of the bumps and the tragedies, the turmoil the chaos, the hard work will eventually pay off.
Love, baby, it's what's going down.
But I feel like, if you love somebody it shouldn't be as complicated as one might think. I mean, I love a ton of people, but I save that... that sort of, intimacy, with the people that matter to me most. When I take off my glasses and snort when I laugh, you'll know how inner circle you are.
Love for me is something sort of efemmeral, it is igniting and passionate, but it is simple. I hate too much going on, I hate overcomplicating (although, to be fair, I overcomplicate things...often.) but seriously, why can't things just be? Why can't a being be a being without having to think about every detail, every cough every glance every movement and over analysing it. I wish that analysis was simple, then my life would be complete.
Although, I put love into colours in my head the other day, and it sort of changed the way I see it (pun intended). The love for my family is yellow, for a lasting and growing shining that will continue and doesn't die, like the sun. Love for my friends is the blues and purples, the deep, intricate colours that are dynamic and have shades. For the loves that I say it, and mean it, it's sort of the red, but the dark red that you'd paint a wall, not the bright red like a clown nose or shoes. I think my love is more dynamic than a concerto, but sometimes people don't understand that comparison.
Or dynamic love in general.
Why are my levels irregular and incohesive to the way everyone else's levels sit? My toolbox wasn't equipped with a twenty-first century, socially accepted level, so I made my own and being sort of out of the norms it was a silver ball, one that located the things that I wanted and put them on a plain all of my own.
I'm not making much sense today, I think it's all of the things I have to do in the near future piling up to the point where I forgot to pay a bill and I didn't answer that one email, I lost my wallet then found it in a man's pocket, couldn't charge my ipod because my arms wouldn't let me plug it in, and I leave my bedroom light on constantly.
I am not sleep deprived, but I've reached my own level of exhaustion where life starts to make sense in triangles and silver balls and colours, as opposed to dynamics of sound or physics or plausible discourse, it just ocntinues to flow through my head and fingertips apparently...to you.
I'm going to miss thinking onto the screen, or thinking through my appendages that refer to the keys that tell the screen what to look like and say. I think that my thoughts don't seem to think right sometimes, I wish my sentences grew and made sense, like in a flower pot somewhere in the corner that I could water and watch grow, as opposed to work to get them down somehwere.
What I've been trying to get at is that I love you, and I think that if you were a colour it would be purple, your aura is purple, and if you don't know where that's from...you haven't lived yet and I'm sorry. Ask me about it or something. I think that everybody deserves a colour shade of love, so, I dunno, choose something, I like the colour green, I wish that when everybody realised love they'd see green, 'cause well, yeah, I've got enough love to make up for everybody.
um, well, LOVE,
Jess :]
Wait for me.
My mom told me that she wanted that to be her wedding song but only in hindsight, since she didn't have an open enough mind for Bruce during the early years of her and dad's relationship. I love that song, it is sort of like an inspiration to keep on going, shooting for that someone or that happiness, that regardless of the bumps and the tragedies, the turmoil the chaos, the hard work will eventually pay off.
Love, baby, it's what's going down.
But I feel like, if you love somebody it shouldn't be as complicated as one might think. I mean, I love a ton of people, but I save that... that sort of, intimacy, with the people that matter to me most. When I take off my glasses and snort when I laugh, you'll know how inner circle you are.
Love for me is something sort of efemmeral, it is igniting and passionate, but it is simple. I hate too much going on, I hate overcomplicating (although, to be fair, I overcomplicate things...often.) but seriously, why can't things just be? Why can't a being be a being without having to think about every detail, every cough every glance every movement and over analysing it. I wish that analysis was simple, then my life would be complete.
Although, I put love into colours in my head the other day, and it sort of changed the way I see it (pun intended). The love for my family is yellow, for a lasting and growing shining that will continue and doesn't die, like the sun. Love for my friends is the blues and purples, the deep, intricate colours that are dynamic and have shades. For the loves that I say it, and mean it, it's sort of the red, but the dark red that you'd paint a wall, not the bright red like a clown nose or shoes. I think my love is more dynamic than a concerto, but sometimes people don't understand that comparison.
Or dynamic love in general.
Why are my levels irregular and incohesive to the way everyone else's levels sit? My toolbox wasn't equipped with a twenty-first century, socially accepted level, so I made my own and being sort of out of the norms it was a silver ball, one that located the things that I wanted and put them on a plain all of my own.
I'm not making much sense today, I think it's all of the things I have to do in the near future piling up to the point where I forgot to pay a bill and I didn't answer that one email, I lost my wallet then found it in a man's pocket, couldn't charge my ipod because my arms wouldn't let me plug it in, and I leave my bedroom light on constantly.
I am not sleep deprived, but I've reached my own level of exhaustion where life starts to make sense in triangles and silver balls and colours, as opposed to dynamics of sound or physics or plausible discourse, it just ocntinues to flow through my head and fingertips apparently...to you.
I'm going to miss thinking onto the screen, or thinking through my appendages that refer to the keys that tell the screen what to look like and say. I think that my thoughts don't seem to think right sometimes, I wish my sentences grew and made sense, like in a flower pot somewhere in the corner that I could water and watch grow, as opposed to work to get them down somehwere.
What I've been trying to get at is that I love you, and I think that if you were a colour it would be purple, your aura is purple, and if you don't know where that's from...you haven't lived yet and I'm sorry. Ask me about it or something. I think that everybody deserves a colour shade of love, so, I dunno, choose something, I like the colour green, I wish that when everybody realised love they'd see green, 'cause well, yeah, I've got enough love to make up for everybody.
um, well, LOVE,
Jess :]
Thursday, November 10, 2011
all night times infront of chestnuts roasting on an open fire
[three hundred, fourteen]
it's funny that some things we love the most
are the things that help us from the inside,
they may not be strong or loud or interesting,
but they hold your hands through all seasons
and tell you affirmations, smiling-wise in a backward way,
and they will always, well, not always
they will sometimes be with you like right there,
like in the time, in the space where you inhabit,
but sometimes they aren't, so you have to imagine,
use the eyes inside your head to think of that one time,
when they were right here and holding your hand,
and kissing in the wind and rain, or linking arms down a slope,
or some other slippery situation where you
or they
needed just another one, to get by,
to get up,
to help put bandaids over all the cuts,
to sing songs in the middle of the night,
to piggy back when there's enough trust,
to carry you through and sometimes,
just only sometimes though, mostly they just smile a lot,
and hold hands,
but there are those sometimes, those special days or situations
or moments even
where they are there from beginning middle to end,
the progression, the stories
that they could tell about you or about them to anyone one of anybody who
knew or didn't know about them or us or you,
that made you know
that let you see
that ignited that little last bit of whick in the ash
so that you could just take another one
two
or three breaths,
and get on by.
focus: friends baby, or mittens, but mainly friends, because lately i've been needing a little more glue, and I've decided that I've got a lot to give, too.
love and kisses and nuzzles,
Jess :]
it's funny that some things we love the most
are the things that help us from the inside,
they may not be strong or loud or interesting,
but they hold your hands through all seasons
and tell you affirmations, smiling-wise in a backward way,
and they will always, well, not always
they will sometimes be with you like right there,
like in the time, in the space where you inhabit,
but sometimes they aren't, so you have to imagine,
use the eyes inside your head to think of that one time,
when they were right here and holding your hand,
and kissing in the wind and rain, or linking arms down a slope,
or some other slippery situation where you
or they
needed just another one, to get by,
to get up,
to help put bandaids over all the cuts,
to sing songs in the middle of the night,
to piggy back when there's enough trust,
to carry you through and sometimes,
just only sometimes though, mostly they just smile a lot,
and hold hands,
but there are those sometimes, those special days or situations
or moments even
where they are there from beginning middle to end,
the progression, the stories
that they could tell about you or about them to anyone one of anybody who
knew or didn't know about them or us or you,
that made you know
that let you see
that ignited that little last bit of whick in the ash
so that you could just take another one
two
or three breaths,
and get on by.
focus: friends baby, or mittens, but mainly friends, because lately i've been needing a little more glue, and I've decided that I've got a lot to give, too.
love and kisses and nuzzles,
Jess :]
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
these kids are loud and annoying
[three hundred, thirteen]
I am sitting in the university centre not in my usual spot because there is a large poster sale, so I have to sit around other people, and these people around me have the most annoying things I've ever encountered. One of them has the most irritating voice, and the other keeps making the unfunniest jokes, ever.
It's only the morning, I am going to grab some sort of beverage or something, I actually should head out right now, but I can be a little late. A queen is never late, everyone else is just early. Not saying I'm royalty or anything, but, I just feel like everyone's been rushing lately... I want everyone to slow down.
Take a minute,
think about something a lot happier than work or the play or the distance, and think about the snow and christmas and the holiday season that can/will be upon us. I'm listening to soft jazz, ignoring the ignoramous's beside me and smiling. I am frustrated about some things, but being at peace is a matter of accepting everything and learning to love your smile.
I've fallen in love with so many peoples' smiles that its incredible. I really wish more people knew how incredible their smiles are. So, today, look at your bestfriend, boyfriend, roommmate, and appreciate their smile, because that means that when you're together you make an impact, you ignite that smile, and that reflects you.
If there is all but one thing to know about the other, it is that mirrors don't speak, but reflections talk back.
Love,
Jess :]
I am sitting in the university centre not in my usual spot because there is a large poster sale, so I have to sit around other people, and these people around me have the most annoying things I've ever encountered. One of them has the most irritating voice, and the other keeps making the unfunniest jokes, ever.
It's only the morning, I am going to grab some sort of beverage or something, I actually should head out right now, but I can be a little late. A queen is never late, everyone else is just early. Not saying I'm royalty or anything, but, I just feel like everyone's been rushing lately... I want everyone to slow down.
Take a minute,
think about something a lot happier than work or the play or the distance, and think about the snow and christmas and the holiday season that can/will be upon us. I'm listening to soft jazz, ignoring the ignoramous's beside me and smiling. I am frustrated about some things, but being at peace is a matter of accepting everything and learning to love your smile.
I've fallen in love with so many peoples' smiles that its incredible. I really wish more people knew how incredible their smiles are. So, today, look at your bestfriend, boyfriend, roommmate, and appreciate their smile, because that means that when you're together you make an impact, you ignite that smile, and that reflects you.
If there is all but one thing to know about the other, it is that mirrors don't speak, but reflections talk back.
Love,
Jess :]
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
it's the singing train, we all can't get away
[three hundred, twelve]
Why did I have caffeine at nine pm? I'm going to have to do some like serious meditation or something to get to sleep now.. Good thing I have that cd now! I think I like meditation best because it carries you deeper, sort of a trance-like impression into your being, I don't know if I believe in beings right now, I feel inbetween on my beliefs.
Maybe I should drop everything and become a poet-philosopher, who ironically doesn't write poems about philosophical things, but just happens to have interesting ideas on life and politics and people. Not saying that anything I spew is interesting, sometimes it isn't even that interesting to me, I just seem to continue to write so that I feel like I have actually finished a commitment to something... But I like being a poet, sometimes, I'm not really one though, let's be honest, I put words in meaningful ways where poems only mean something to me. I am a closet poet writing closet poetry, no one will ever read them.
I am so cold, so cold lately intending to the way I look out at the world. I wish for this frost over my eyes to melt away so that I can see somewhat clearly again, the clarity fleets from my seeing when I ask for it... I wish that sometimes I would be able to just make solid decisions about things, I can't.
I am surely not going to sleep, I should watch howl. Alone. I wanted to share it with everyone, but nobody wanted to share it with me. No one wants to share anything with me lately, except for maybe a bookbag or a highfive...
Everything is such a mess right now, and it's going to take me until December even to start to clean everything up. I plan everything to the nines, why can't I just figure everything out? Why can't I just leave this city and break on to the other side? Break on out onto the passionate plain on which I'd rather be, that one part that one place that I can be understood.
Everything I say comes out misunderstood.
Why is it that whenever people speak to me I feel like I'm five years old? I contemplate things different than everyone. Are you smart today? I wish that everyone saw the world through my pixelated, distorted, blurred vision in order for them to see the beauty that has taken me years to understand that I don't want to leave. I want to stay, but I want to change.
I need meditation I think right now, I need to do a little bit more studying, and then get somewhere and settle my head down. I have a very, very, very, very, veeeery heavy end of the week starting tomorrow, ending which a bang of six straight hours of midterm-lab-lecture loveliness. If you want to mess with me this week, I may or may not have motive to snap..
So have a good night, then,
Jess :]
Why did I have caffeine at nine pm? I'm going to have to do some like serious meditation or something to get to sleep now.. Good thing I have that cd now! I think I like meditation best because it carries you deeper, sort of a trance-like impression into your being, I don't know if I believe in beings right now, I feel inbetween on my beliefs.
Maybe I should drop everything and become a poet-philosopher, who ironically doesn't write poems about philosophical things, but just happens to have interesting ideas on life and politics and people. Not saying that anything I spew is interesting, sometimes it isn't even that interesting to me, I just seem to continue to write so that I feel like I have actually finished a commitment to something... But I like being a poet, sometimes, I'm not really one though, let's be honest, I put words in meaningful ways where poems only mean something to me. I am a closet poet writing closet poetry, no one will ever read them.
I am so cold, so cold lately intending to the way I look out at the world. I wish for this frost over my eyes to melt away so that I can see somewhat clearly again, the clarity fleets from my seeing when I ask for it... I wish that sometimes I would be able to just make solid decisions about things, I can't.
I am surely not going to sleep, I should watch howl. Alone. I wanted to share it with everyone, but nobody wanted to share it with me. No one wants to share anything with me lately, except for maybe a bookbag or a highfive...
Everything is such a mess right now, and it's going to take me until December even to start to clean everything up. I plan everything to the nines, why can't I just figure everything out? Why can't I just leave this city and break on to the other side? Break on out onto the passionate plain on which I'd rather be, that one part that one place that I can be understood.
Everything I say comes out misunderstood.
Why is it that whenever people speak to me I feel like I'm five years old? I contemplate things different than everyone. Are you smart today? I wish that everyone saw the world through my pixelated, distorted, blurred vision in order for them to see the beauty that has taken me years to understand that I don't want to leave. I want to stay, but I want to change.
I need meditation I think right now, I need to do a little bit more studying, and then get somewhere and settle my head down. I have a very, very, very, very, veeeery heavy end of the week starting tomorrow, ending which a bang of six straight hours of midterm-lab-lecture loveliness. If you want to mess with me this week, I may or may not have motive to snap..
So have a good night, then,
Jess :]
Monday, November 7, 2011
i kept your dreams with me babe, i mixed them with my own
[three hundred, eleven]
Have you ever seen the little mermaid? the dog in that movie is adorable, the one that saves prince eric and can hardly see from all of the hair in its eyes? I am super picky about dogs, and I don't know why. It's a weird thing to be picky about, I think, because they are just like any other being, just a personality in a different body, but I think that even the personality could be defined by the breeding. Ouch, I'm an ass, I take that back.
I just like the orange labs the best...
Today has just been the weirdest day. I woke up this morning thinking that I had the most wonderful sleep, and then ended up having a terrible, absolutely unbearable headache all day and no amount of water would help, and so tomorrow if it sticks around I'm taking some tylenol, but seriously it ruined all productivity today other than a little bit of research and reading, which I guess is okay.
I'm just disappointed, I guess.
I am so hot right now. When I get hot I get unfortunately moody, unpleasant, I am uncomfortable and I hate it. I wish that I wasn't so readable like this, but if I'm hot my hair goes up and clothes come off, can't help it, it's unreasonable for me to have to be uncomfortable due to temperature... I hate it.
It'd be nice if it were Christmas now, atleast there'd be snow. I'm actually so excited for the snow, I can't wait. I want to wear my boots and cosy sweaters and drink hot drinks and not feel uncomfortable. I'll probably sit outside a lot, I like sitting outside it's nice.
One thing you'll learn about me is that I like my schedule to be the way I like. If it's written down I don't like to change it, so I'd rather not change things but if it's in advance it's okay. If something's scheduled, it's happening, and so tonight as I schedule tomorrow I leave a large open space in the middle of my day for "varied homework" as I will try to study for atleast something... And possibly figure out when my last midterm is (December?)
So tonight I hope everyone has a wonderful sleep. Go to bed early or late whatever you like, and just enjoy it. Think about all of the marvelous wonders of the world tha are around you, the wind when nature's on the brink of winter, the birds that cling to the leave-less trees hoping for some sort of release from the cold...
I heard a bhird today, it was singing, I was about to enter into a buiding but I lingered... I wanted to keep listening, I love hearing stories..
Take care,
Jess :]
Have you ever seen the little mermaid? the dog in that movie is adorable, the one that saves prince eric and can hardly see from all of the hair in its eyes? I am super picky about dogs, and I don't know why. It's a weird thing to be picky about, I think, because they are just like any other being, just a personality in a different body, but I think that even the personality could be defined by the breeding. Ouch, I'm an ass, I take that back.
I just like the orange labs the best...
Today has just been the weirdest day. I woke up this morning thinking that I had the most wonderful sleep, and then ended up having a terrible, absolutely unbearable headache all day and no amount of water would help, and so tomorrow if it sticks around I'm taking some tylenol, but seriously it ruined all productivity today other than a little bit of research and reading, which I guess is okay.
I'm just disappointed, I guess.
I am so hot right now. When I get hot I get unfortunately moody, unpleasant, I am uncomfortable and I hate it. I wish that I wasn't so readable like this, but if I'm hot my hair goes up and clothes come off, can't help it, it's unreasonable for me to have to be uncomfortable due to temperature... I hate it.
It'd be nice if it were Christmas now, atleast there'd be snow. I'm actually so excited for the snow, I can't wait. I want to wear my boots and cosy sweaters and drink hot drinks and not feel uncomfortable. I'll probably sit outside a lot, I like sitting outside it's nice.
One thing you'll learn about me is that I like my schedule to be the way I like. If it's written down I don't like to change it, so I'd rather not change things but if it's in advance it's okay. If something's scheduled, it's happening, and so tonight as I schedule tomorrow I leave a large open space in the middle of my day for "varied homework" as I will try to study for atleast something... And possibly figure out when my last midterm is (December?)
So tonight I hope everyone has a wonderful sleep. Go to bed early or late whatever you like, and just enjoy it. Think about all of the marvelous wonders of the world tha are around you, the wind when nature's on the brink of winter, the birds that cling to the leave-less trees hoping for some sort of release from the cold...
I heard a bhird today, it was singing, I was about to enter into a buiding but I lingered... I wanted to keep listening, I love hearing stories..
Take care,
Jess :]
Sunday, November 6, 2011
breakfast in, dinner downtown
[three hundred, ten]
Everyone should go right now and watch When Harry Met Sally. It is the cutest movie, about best friends and love and how people are, relationships. I think that's why I love it so much, because it is about the way people are together. I love being around people, but sometimes I rather just sitting alone and watching how people are, their conversations, the way they act around other people, mannerisms, etc. I am a boring person interested in fascinating things.
Fascinating. I think that I am getting tired, too tired to write within substance. My head has been full of different and diverse thoughts today, about trust and loyalty and honesty, most of all commitment. I have been a nutcase since I developed my me, but I never thought I'd hurt anyone in the process. I do my best to keep the destress to just me.
I want to go on a road trip, and sing and get take out fast food and sleep in the mountains. I want to drink wine in a cheap motel on the side of the interstate. I want to find america. I want to be out there, and wear jeans and sweaters and kiss with lipstick on. I want to high five in the middle of the night. I want to sleep in the backseat one night, bad.
I think everyone should experience extreme best, best friend-dom. The kind of bestfriend when you know when something's wrong, and you know when they're in a good mood just by a phone call or a short text, you know that they need you or they don't, you know and they know, and there are hardly any words exchanged. My best firend, CB, is my baby, my rock, and she is the best thing in my life sometimes, all the time, a constant, she makes me laugh teears when I'm in chaos and have to have surgery for going blind, I bring her the cookie when she is about to go under, we talk constantly, we are in love.
She is my soulmate.
I want her to be with me for everything, and I know that she will be and I will be there. That is what I hope for everyone. I have lots of friends, some good friends, but only a handful of best friends. Absolute, unbelievable, best friends.
CB, I love you, twelve years ago we began to play hp hotel in your basement on rollerblades, twelve years later we're still watching six christmas movies in one day and eat the extra order of swiss chalet fries just because they are so damn good. And the lemon merengue pie, of course. This Christmas? Won't be disappointing!
Love, always,
Jess :]
Everyone should go right now and watch When Harry Met Sally. It is the cutest movie, about best friends and love and how people are, relationships. I think that's why I love it so much, because it is about the way people are together. I love being around people, but sometimes I rather just sitting alone and watching how people are, their conversations, the way they act around other people, mannerisms, etc. I am a boring person interested in fascinating things.
Fascinating. I think that I am getting tired, too tired to write within substance. My head has been full of different and diverse thoughts today, about trust and loyalty and honesty, most of all commitment. I have been a nutcase since I developed my me, but I never thought I'd hurt anyone in the process. I do my best to keep the destress to just me.
I want to go on a road trip, and sing and get take out fast food and sleep in the mountains. I want to drink wine in a cheap motel on the side of the interstate. I want to find america. I want to be out there, and wear jeans and sweaters and kiss with lipstick on. I want to high five in the middle of the night. I want to sleep in the backseat one night, bad.
I think everyone should experience extreme best, best friend-dom. The kind of bestfriend when you know when something's wrong, and you know when they're in a good mood just by a phone call or a short text, you know that they need you or they don't, you know and they know, and there are hardly any words exchanged. My best firend, CB, is my baby, my rock, and she is the best thing in my life sometimes, all the time, a constant, she makes me laugh teears when I'm in chaos and have to have surgery for going blind, I bring her the cookie when she is about to go under, we talk constantly, we are in love.
She is my soulmate.
I want her to be with me for everything, and I know that she will be and I will be there. That is what I hope for everyone. I have lots of friends, some good friends, but only a handful of best friends. Absolute, unbelievable, best friends.
CB, I love you, twelve years ago we began to play hp hotel in your basement on rollerblades, twelve years later we're still watching six christmas movies in one day and eat the extra order of swiss chalet fries just because they are so damn good. And the lemon merengue pie, of course. This Christmas? Won't be disappointing!
Love, always,
Jess :]
dear life
[three hundred, nine]
This is going to be short, but I'd just like to mention that I am thankful for the people in my life. I am thankful that I have so many people to tuck me in at night and to check that I am up in the morning; so many people to not judge me but to accept me as I am; so many people to love me and for me to love. I am thankful for my friends, my wonderful friends who take care of me and look after the things that I overlook sometimes because I am too busy. I schedule my life for the better, but the people who O surround myself schedule their lives so that although I'm occaisionally a mess, they still make time to take me home and eat soggy popcorn with me, and hug me, lend me a scarf, hold me hand, and let me talk about things that I need to. I need you, so much, thank you.
Thank you.
love,
Jess :]
This is going to be short, but I'd just like to mention that I am thankful for the people in my life. I am thankful that I have so many people to tuck me in at night and to check that I am up in the morning; so many people to not judge me but to accept me as I am; so many people to love me and for me to love. I am thankful for my friends, my wonderful friends who take care of me and look after the things that I overlook sometimes because I am too busy. I schedule my life for the better, but the people who O surround myself schedule their lives so that although I'm occaisionally a mess, they still make time to take me home and eat soggy popcorn with me, and hug me, lend me a scarf, hold me hand, and let me talk about things that I need to. I need you, so much, thank you.
Thank you.
love,
Jess :]
Friday, November 4, 2011
i pretended that it didn't hurt my feelings
[three hundred, eight]
I would let everyone know about the relatively good day I was having but I am deciding against it. When someone means something to me, I tell them, and I show them, and I make them feel it. I surround myself with people who do the same for me. I chose wrong this time it seems, or sometimes it just seems wrong, and I don't wish things were different I just wish that instead of everything being so broken and torn, they'd be fine. I wish that I didn't feel so kept in a bubble. I wish I wasn't so lost in the darkness. I thought you said you would follow me, but I guess not.
I feel like going to sleep but I can't. I feel like being productive but I won't be. I'm back at square one, the way I felt first semester last year where I didn't want to watch the tv shows and movies I loved, and didn't want to read Harry Potter, I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat I was nauseous everyday. I felt like everyday I was stuck in a continuum, I was unmoving, I was in my place but it was alien, it was not my own.
I am in a place that I love and hate now, that I wish was not broken. I need to go lock the door to my house. Everyday is exactly the same. I have a super headache today and this didn't make it any better, and I have to get up relatively early tomorrow and I just want to be...be. I just want to be. Somewhere else, someone else, just for a little while.
Why won't anyone let me just be not?
Pounding, against everything,
raging seriously, a fine line between
losing and sweeping the feelings below
the rug, or the refrigerator,
the times when I slammed every door,
because nobody would listen to me otherwise,
or the backwards times when I let the shower run
for an hour, and I cried
and I cried into the water and it filled my eyes
and my mouth and nose, and the water filled my life,
but it didn't take me under, the pressure of the falling,
but sometimes it feels like I wish I was falling
like in that movie where they fell for hours
and hours and they never reached the bottom,
the bottom is my end, and I want to be there,
but I float inches away,
but no matter how hard I squint,
or try,
I still can't fucking see.
Jess
I would let everyone know about the relatively good day I was having but I am deciding against it. When someone means something to me, I tell them, and I show them, and I make them feel it. I surround myself with people who do the same for me. I chose wrong this time it seems, or sometimes it just seems wrong, and I don't wish things were different I just wish that instead of everything being so broken and torn, they'd be fine. I wish that I didn't feel so kept in a bubble. I wish I wasn't so lost in the darkness. I thought you said you would follow me, but I guess not.
I feel like going to sleep but I can't. I feel like being productive but I won't be. I'm back at square one, the way I felt first semester last year where I didn't want to watch the tv shows and movies I loved, and didn't want to read Harry Potter, I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat I was nauseous everyday. I felt like everyday I was stuck in a continuum, I was unmoving, I was in my place but it was alien, it was not my own.
I am in a place that I love and hate now, that I wish was not broken. I need to go lock the door to my house. Everyday is exactly the same. I have a super headache today and this didn't make it any better, and I have to get up relatively early tomorrow and I just want to be...be. I just want to be. Somewhere else, someone else, just for a little while.
Why won't anyone let me just be not?
Pounding, against everything,
raging seriously, a fine line between
losing and sweeping the feelings below
the rug, or the refrigerator,
the times when I slammed every door,
because nobody would listen to me otherwise,
or the backwards times when I let the shower run
for an hour, and I cried
and I cried into the water and it filled my eyes
and my mouth and nose, and the water filled my life,
but it didn't take me under, the pressure of the falling,
but sometimes it feels like I wish I was falling
like in that movie where they fell for hours
and hours and they never reached the bottom,
the bottom is my end, and I want to be there,
but I float inches away,
but no matter how hard I squint,
or try,
I still can't fucking see.
Jess
Thursday, November 3, 2011
the seven
[three hundred, seven]
I don't know what to say today. How many blogs do I start with that? I had such a good day today, and I'm hoping that I won't be too stressed out for the rest of this month. I put up christmas lights in my room today... I need more.
I love the families I have. I refer to my real fam and my friends as family, and that's because they mean that much to me... I wish they knew that more often. I love people.
I'm not feeling fantastic, but I started a new scarf for me today so I'm hoping to finish that before next week when I'm hoping it snows so I can wear my new winter coat. I love winter around christmastime.
I love this band. A lot.
I wish that I listened to the radio more, because the channels that I like are the best kinds, the classic rock with the music that makes me smile a lot more than anything I'd hear at a bar or in a restaurant. I think that everyone should invest in a..... Guess who album, that's probably the best album I've invested in a long time ago. I love them, a lot.
Have a good night? This post has been irrelevant. I'm too tired and sort of upset for this right now.
take care,
Jess
I don't know what to say today. How many blogs do I start with that? I had such a good day today, and I'm hoping that I won't be too stressed out for the rest of this month. I put up christmas lights in my room today... I need more.
I love the families I have. I refer to my real fam and my friends as family, and that's because they mean that much to me... I wish they knew that more often. I love people.
I'm not feeling fantastic, but I started a new scarf for me today so I'm hoping to finish that before next week when I'm hoping it snows so I can wear my new winter coat. I love winter around christmastime.
I love this band. A lot.
I wish that I listened to the radio more, because the channels that I like are the best kinds, the classic rock with the music that makes me smile a lot more than anything I'd hear at a bar or in a restaurant. I think that everyone should invest in a..... Guess who album, that's probably the best album I've invested in a long time ago. I love them, a lot.
Have a good night? This post has been irrelevant. I'm too tired and sort of upset for this right now.
take care,
Jess
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
everybody's pain in the river it goes
[three hundred, six]
Down the drain it goes.
I just realised while washing my hands that everybody has simple little things that they may think are weird and mundane and unique to themselves, and may be embarassed to share but really everyone does them. Everyone forgets to close the fridge door or lock the front door or pack a lunch, sometimes it's easy to leave your computer unlocked or forget a paper at home, a lot of these things have to do with memory.
I find memories fascinating. I remember the earliest thing in my life being my third birthday party, where I had the prettiest beauty and the beat cake and my mom invited everyone in the world into the kitchen to sing me happy birthday, and I cried. I remember thinking to myself that my mom invited everyone inside to scare me, but it was all okay in the end, I got cake.
People remember the oddest things, in the oddest ways, in the most peculiar situations. What I remember about the Great Gatsby is probably a different message than someone else, and I probably remember the same part differently than someone else. Thus exploiting the cohesiveness and the instability of thought between people. Everyone thinks, just not in the same way.
So when I look back on my memories, I try to focus on details that I don't remember, the pictures that are blurred and that maybe other people who were there would remember better than I. I remember where I was when both my brother and sister were born, I remember what I was thinking when my great grandmother died and I had to go to school that day, I remember how anticlimactic graduation ceremony was.
But I don't remember the little moments, the tiny things that happened everyday of my life this summer, the kisses, the hugs from my sister, the conversations on the beach or over text message or in the car, and that bothers me. I want to remember everything, not just the big bullshits.
I don't write journals, I don't take notes on life, I don't make mental lists of what everyone wants for christmas. I'm sparatic and clumsy and unfascinating, but I do remember certain things, tidbits, about people about personalities about likes and dislikes, that sometimes make the difference.
and a snowflake falls in may,
Don't forget the special things, and don't forget the little things in life that make you smile. think of something beautiful, and run for it. Keep the fire going. I've been having this issue lately with motivation, so, I've created rewards for myself. I've earned some things and I've decided that I deserve to be okay.
YOU DESERVE TO BE OKAY.
So convince yourself, damnit, and just, don't lose what makes you you, because when you forget who you are, and you forget the better things, and you forget all about the memories and the happiness and the feeling, the numbness won't kiss you before you sleep, somebody's gotta do that for you, unfortunately.
goodnight,
Jess xox
Down the drain it goes.
I just realised while washing my hands that everybody has simple little things that they may think are weird and mundane and unique to themselves, and may be embarassed to share but really everyone does them. Everyone forgets to close the fridge door or lock the front door or pack a lunch, sometimes it's easy to leave your computer unlocked or forget a paper at home, a lot of these things have to do with memory.
I find memories fascinating. I remember the earliest thing in my life being my third birthday party, where I had the prettiest beauty and the beat cake and my mom invited everyone in the world into the kitchen to sing me happy birthday, and I cried. I remember thinking to myself that my mom invited everyone inside to scare me, but it was all okay in the end, I got cake.
People remember the oddest things, in the oddest ways, in the most peculiar situations. What I remember about the Great Gatsby is probably a different message than someone else, and I probably remember the same part differently than someone else. Thus exploiting the cohesiveness and the instability of thought between people. Everyone thinks, just not in the same way.
So when I look back on my memories, I try to focus on details that I don't remember, the pictures that are blurred and that maybe other people who were there would remember better than I. I remember where I was when both my brother and sister were born, I remember what I was thinking when my great grandmother died and I had to go to school that day, I remember how anticlimactic graduation ceremony was.
But I don't remember the little moments, the tiny things that happened everyday of my life this summer, the kisses, the hugs from my sister, the conversations on the beach or over text message or in the car, and that bothers me. I want to remember everything, not just the big bullshits.
I don't write journals, I don't take notes on life, I don't make mental lists of what everyone wants for christmas. I'm sparatic and clumsy and unfascinating, but I do remember certain things, tidbits, about people about personalities about likes and dislikes, that sometimes make the difference.
and a snowflake falls in may,
Don't forget the special things, and don't forget the little things in life that make you smile. think of something beautiful, and run for it. Keep the fire going. I've been having this issue lately with motivation, so, I've created rewards for myself. I've earned some things and I've decided that I deserve to be okay.
YOU DESERVE TO BE OKAY.
So convince yourself, damnit, and just, don't lose what makes you you, because when you forget who you are, and you forget the better things, and you forget all about the memories and the happiness and the feeling, the numbness won't kiss you before you sleep, somebody's gotta do that for you, unfortunately.
goodnight,
Jess xox
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
happy and neat in the orders on the shelf
[three hundred, five.]
I hurt today. Seems like everything has been worn out, along with this headache I'm ready for it to release its hold on my attitude, it seems to dictate the energy levels I exude aswell. Let's hope this shit gives up soon, I'm not digging this.
I've been doing nonstop homework it feel,s, other than an hour for supper and an hour for glee, and now I'm thinking about bed. I should read but I don't think my eyes can take it today, not today. I will try to answer questions in class tomorrow, I'll try my absolute best. I feel like lately all I've been doing is trying my best.
And apparently it's paying off, since that's what you're supposed to do, your best. I just feel like I almost don't appreciate it within myself, I don't see the merit. I need to see my results in order to feel good about doing my best, and lately it hasn't been that successful in uplifting anything inside of me.
Rocky road in the month ahead. People wonder why I cling to Christmas so much in November, but it is obvious. I eat candy canes and watch movies because without these simple joys I lose my mind this time of year. Assignments, closing down essays and projects, finals, christmas shopping, the anticipation of the climactic holiday, eveyrthing seems to be in rising towards the end.
But it isn't the end.
We have to come back to school in January, and when that semester is over, we have to work all summer. The cycle continues until you think you're really at the end. Graduation. And then what? You work, nonstop, until you retire. I feel like my life is leading up to retirement, and I'm trying to make the best of the working days.
This is why I want a job that I am going to be passionate about and love, so that when I wake up in the morning at seven am I won't be moaning about sitting in a boring lecture with a bitch prof and all of the assignments and readings I have to do, but I will be looking forward.
I am trying to see ahead of me, but gosh it's just too misty, so I'd rather just sit this one out.
I am a positive person, but every now and then I drift back into my cave and I wish that my life were that of someone who could just enjoy it. Why can't I enjoy it, you may ask! Well that's a great question, let me know if you ever find out the answer.
I'm tired, I'm going to put a Christmas episode of the office on and sleep now, goodnight my love,
Jess :]
I hurt today. Seems like everything has been worn out, along with this headache I'm ready for it to release its hold on my attitude, it seems to dictate the energy levels I exude aswell. Let's hope this shit gives up soon, I'm not digging this.
I've been doing nonstop homework it feel,s, other than an hour for supper and an hour for glee, and now I'm thinking about bed. I should read but I don't think my eyes can take it today, not today. I will try to answer questions in class tomorrow, I'll try my absolute best. I feel like lately all I've been doing is trying my best.
And apparently it's paying off, since that's what you're supposed to do, your best. I just feel like I almost don't appreciate it within myself, I don't see the merit. I need to see my results in order to feel good about doing my best, and lately it hasn't been that successful in uplifting anything inside of me.
Rocky road in the month ahead. People wonder why I cling to Christmas so much in November, but it is obvious. I eat candy canes and watch movies because without these simple joys I lose my mind this time of year. Assignments, closing down essays and projects, finals, christmas shopping, the anticipation of the climactic holiday, eveyrthing seems to be in rising towards the end.
But it isn't the end.
We have to come back to school in January, and when that semester is over, we have to work all summer. The cycle continues until you think you're really at the end. Graduation. And then what? You work, nonstop, until you retire. I feel like my life is leading up to retirement, and I'm trying to make the best of the working days.
This is why I want a job that I am going to be passionate about and love, so that when I wake up in the morning at seven am I won't be moaning about sitting in a boring lecture with a bitch prof and all of the assignments and readings I have to do, but I will be looking forward.
I am trying to see ahead of me, but gosh it's just too misty, so I'd rather just sit this one out.
I am a positive person, but every now and then I drift back into my cave and I wish that my life were that of someone who could just enjoy it. Why can't I enjoy it, you may ask! Well that's a great question, let me know if you ever find out the answer.
I'm tired, I'm going to put a Christmas episode of the office on and sleep now, goodnight my love,
Jess :]
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