everybody's pain in the river it goes

[three hundred, six]

Down the drain it goes.

I just realised while washing my hands that everybody has simple little things that they may think are weird and mundane and unique to themselves, and may be embarassed to share but really everyone does them. Everyone forgets to close the fridge door or lock the front door or pack a lunch, sometimes it's easy to leave your computer unlocked or forget a paper at home, a lot of these things have to do with memory.

I find memories fascinating. I remember the earliest thing in my life being my third birthday party, where I had the prettiest beauty and the beat cake and my mom invited everyone in the world into the kitchen to sing me happy birthday, and I cried. I remember thinking to myself that my mom invited everyone inside to scare me, but it was all okay in the end, I got cake.

People remember the oddest things, in the oddest ways, in the most peculiar situations. What I remember about the Great Gatsby is probably a different message than someone else, and I probably remember the same part differently than someone else. Thus exploiting the cohesiveness and the instability of thought between people. Everyone thinks, just not in the same way.

So when I look back on my memories, I try to focus on details that I don't remember, the pictures that are blurred and that maybe other people who were there would remember better than I. I remember where I was when both my brother and sister were born, I remember what I was thinking when my great grandmother died and I had to go to school that day, I remember how anticlimactic graduation ceremony was.

But I don't remember the little moments, the tiny things that happened everyday of my life this summer, the kisses, the hugs from my sister, the conversations on the beach or over text message or in the car, and that bothers me. I want to remember everything, not just the big bullshits.

I don't write journals, I don't take notes on life, I don't make mental lists of what everyone wants for christmas. I'm sparatic and clumsy and unfascinating, but I do remember certain things, tidbits, about people about personalities about likes and dislikes, that sometimes make the difference.

and a snowflake falls in may,

Don't forget the special things, and don't forget the little things in life that make you smile. think of something beautiful, and run for it. Keep the fire going. I've been having this issue lately with motivation, so, I've created rewards for myself. I've earned some things and I've decided that I deserve to be okay.

YOU DESERVE TO BE OKAY.

So convince yourself, damnit, and just, don't lose what makes you you, because when you forget who you are, and you forget the better things, and you forget all about the memories and the happiness and the feeling, the numbness won't kiss you before you sleep, somebody's gotta do that for you, unfortunately.

goodnight,

Jess xox