be our guest

[eighty eight]

To be honest, it pisses me off when people believe in nothing. If you are naive enough not to educate yourself on religion, politics, life, sexuality, then you are just reatrded, especially at the point of life that I am at with my friends and people around me. I speak mostly of people who are my sister's friends, who are about fifteen and sixteen, when they are in a time of transition and other sort of things, but really, you don't just not believe in God because it's against maintstream. That makes you sound like a pretentious prick, don't believe in God because you actually don't, not because your entire life you've been forced to, and now that you can make your own decisions you reject it, that's just bad advertising of your personal psyche.

To be even more perfectly honest, I have changed my mind on all sorts of beliefs that I have had for a long time now, and I may not be the most educated, I do NOT believe in anything just because I was told to, or to be different, I truly believe in what I believe in, which sounds stupid and obvious, but it really isn't in the society that we uphold in the modern era of today.

If you've got a cold heart, wear it on your sleeve anyway, no one likes a closeted hard ass, those are the most unpredictable and disappointing.

On the note of hidden beliefs, I don't mind if it is so personal to you that you don't want to share, like my religious beliefs are just for me, not usually displayed for the world to take a look at and judge, because that's how I do things. But if you are purposely sitting on the fence because you refuse to believe, or you just don't know, for no good reason at all, you are a prick. Sorry, but I'm kind of sick of the pricks in my life, and that's just how it is.

I believe in the goodness of people, and I believe in people in general. Bad people, good people, I believe in the existence of good and evil, and the existence of diggerences in the world, and people. I believe that there is a will to be good, and there is method to restriction and sabotage. I believe in a lot of things, and maybe it is the rejection of belief that has me in a hug today, but I do not speak of just religion, clearly.

So I challenge you today to find something, not religious, that you believe in. No stealing, no samsies, just some good old fashioned beliefs that make you stronger. In the olden days of yore with knights and kings, they believed in triumph and the state, in today's government they believe in charisma and they believe in the insufficient education of the modern person. I believe in you, 'nuff said.

Have a lovely rest of your day! I am feeling much better today, although this post may contradict that. Yesterday I was all down, for the past couple of days I've been down, but today I'm lookin' a little brighter, head's a little higher, my eyes a little wider, and I've got the faith today, people, the faith in people!

Love always!

Jess :]

When you disappoint, it's only yourself that hurts

[eighty seven?]

I think the worst part about right now is I am doing this whole realisation bullshit that I think is not doing me much good, since it's just bringing me on down. I have realised today that I no longer enjoy reading, because I can't just pick up a book and read with my eyes, it has to be a huge fuss and on audio, and that takes out the joy of it. I can't internalize literature anymore, I can't breath it in through the pages, I can't do that anymore. I find it really disappointing.

I want to be alone, and I feel like I don't at the same time. I don't want to be alone, but I do. I want to be away from here, in some place new, where I can meet new people and hear their stories, because I feel like right now I'm not moving forward, I'm just sitting in one place, and no one else is moving either, and that's just as disappointing. I don't mind if I'm not moving, because I can sit back and watch everyone else go, but no one else is moving, because no one else is making progress, and that's just depressing.

I want to be away from everyone, but I want to be with myself. I don't want to think about anything or anyone, that's the only way that I can think of to describe it. I don't want anyone to know my thoughts or feelings, and so I put on this mask, and I tell tidbits, but my mind feels like it is unravelling, and I think that that is because I have nothing to look at, literally.

I want my literature back, I want my life back. I want to prosper in goodness and surround myself with people. I want to be surrounded by positivity and here is just not the right place at all for that, that's just about as rare as sober saturday nights.

I want to break free.

I think that's why I'm actually going to endure the pain, and suck it up, and get the damn ink on my arm done in May, because I know that there needs to be something to bring me back down, as I feel like I am a balloon that some little kid let go of by accident. That little kid isn't so little, and he loves fishing and skateboarding, and he used to love me, but he let go of his string. It sometimes feels like he cries and yells after me, and other times it feels like he's already bought a new one. I want to come back down, but the only way to do that is to have someone pop the air outta my plastic.

And the tattoo's gonna do that, hopefully.

But right now I'm going down, downhill, and everything's striking me as something old, something used, something I've seen before. I'm sick of routine, I want my old Sunday-revolving routine back, I want my life back. I want a new life more though, and I'm striving to be alright. Baby, why can't I have you? There's an eighties song on my itunes right now, seriously, it said that. I think it's rather appropriate, and ultimately, disappointing.

Stress breaks me down as if blown by a little pig,
but I am chased by the wolf, looking for me,
and tortured by this, I build my houses of sticks
and bricks
but still the wind breaks me down.

Again, my poetry is absolutely awful, but it helps me sometimes.

Have a lovely night,

Jess :]

try this trick and spin it, yea

]eighty six]

I just realised today that my daily routine here at school will be shot forever in less than a month, and I am truly going to miss everyone I live with right now. I usually get like three goodnight hugs every night, I chat in the bathroom while brushing my teeth, I complain about the showers and toilets, I laugh at the large wire hanging down from the ceiling, I complain about the state of the kitchen, I fill up my nalgene water bottle, run down the halls, skip down the halls, dance down the halls, sing down the halls and in the shower, smile at everyone.

I'm going to miss the state of the boys' bathroom, kind of. I'm going to miss laughing so hard that I have to pee on a sunday night, and a monday night, and tuesday thursday friday saturday night, I'm going to miss the country-filled wednesday nights (although this will continue onto next year). I'm going to miss night time in residence more than a lot of things here, just because it is so serene and different and relaxing, but at the same time invigorating and exciting and loving. I just love it.

I'm going to miss the lighting here, and the wine guard, and the food being so close, and the ice cream sandwiches, and subwaaay, and so many more things that although similarly and or equally important, are too many to put here.

I am going to miss Johnston hall.

I think I hate change the most because I love the ways things are, and if things change all of a sudden I get loss and detachment issues, and that is hard for me to deal with. When things change so drastically in a short period of time, I feel like I have no control over anything, and that chance and fate take over. that's a scary thought.

I would go into more detail, but I don't really feel like writing all of that down. On a happier note, I had a lovely girl's day with my new roomie, and I love her so I thought I'd put that here. I feel the utmost comfort and passion from her, and I hope that she knows that I'd do a lot for her, a lot of anythings.

I just had the idea that I should turn one of these blogs into a song, listen to some Kimya Dawson and tell me that she doesn't just write her diaries in song, I swear.

Love you!

Jess :]

they crawl, crawl on down, down to the wire

[eighty five]

I haven't worked on my play in a really long time, so I don't know how well it's going to go when I try to work on it tomorrow, but I atleast hope it doesn't suck. I don't really know what to write about today, hopefully something fantastic, but I am doubting that hope. Hope is a funny thing, because it's always there when you need it, but never really comes through for you until you don't. You can hope for a snow day, but then it won't come. It will come the day of your exam, or the day you can't be late again or you fail. Hope is a silly thing, it's a figment, really.

I hope for life in fragments,
never hoping as a whole,
in pieces my hope is determined
determined to track down and tag team
to puzzle and to forge together
my hope runs deep,
and it never sleeps

I think that my style of poetry is dumb, because I read other poetry, and I really think that my mind comes out when I write poetry. You can see my direction of thoughts and how I got to certain conclusions through my poetry, and usually it sucks or isn't very concise, and doesn't make a lot of sense. I think that sometimes I don't think enough when I write poetry, and sometimes, when you're not thinking, you make the most sense.

But usually in my case my poetry just sucks.

So anyways, I have been working all weekend on a twelve page paper that I have finally finished writing today, and I will be working on an english final paper tonight, and then tomorrow I'm taking it easy and reading a play and working on my own play. Then I will have some other work to do eventually, but lately it hasn't been such extensinve, intensive study work that I've been going through for the past little while. I have more time to focus on my sanity, something I value very deeply when finals come around in less than a month.

So if you need some hope today, I'll hope for you, because it's easier to have someone hope for you and that hope to be successful, then hoping for yourself. It isn't selfish, but it never seems to work. Believing, that's a whole different story.

Take care,

Jess :]

i pulled a hang nail today and it hurts

[eighty four]

I was thinking the other day about meaningful moments in my life when I realised that I truly loved things that I love and am passionate about. Like theatre. I remember the first play I saw, it was at the Princess of Wales theatre in Toronto when I was three, my sister had just been born, so she couldn't come. My parents took me and we went out for dinner, and we saw Beauty and the Beast. All I can remember is at the beginning I was sitting on my Mom's lap, and the Beast was about to turn into the actual Beast, and I saw the rose, and I remember thinking how pretty it was, and then bam! There was a firework and some smoke, and the Beast was an actual Beast! And I remember feeling the same way I feel when I love a show or movie, the feeling that this is just incredible and welling up tears in my eyes, and then I turned to my Mom and said "Mommy, it's magic!" I remermber that distinctly, because that is what theatre feels like and means to me. Everytime I see a show, or watch Beauty and the Beast, it reminds me of that moment, that moment that I totally believed there was a Beast on the stage, that there was not a man in a costume, but an actual Beast had erupted from a prince from fireworks, and that that rose meant something. I understood symbolism and magic at the same time, three years old... Of course, I had no idea really what it meant then, but it meant something to me, and that feeling has stuck with me.

I have collected, since that moment, every artifact from my parents' theatre-going before I was born, which consisted of a Phantom of the Opera ceramic mask from the Toronto shows, to mugs of that Beauty and the Beast show, to a soundtrack of my favourite musical to this day, Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat. I remember being about five and dancing to that soundtrack, listening to every song, learning every word, and I haven't forgotten any. Since then, I have collected my Mom's Mamma Mia soundtracks, Andrew Lloyd Weber's greatest hits, Evita, anything I can get my hands on from the time that my parents went to theatre. I look at these things, and then I compare them to what I have seen now.

The theatre I have seen now is both different and the same, and everything affects me the same way: I feel immersed in joy, dripping in bliss, and I never want to lose the wonder.

So see a play soon, sometime something anything, it is the best feeling. I still to this day watch Beauty and the Beast, the cartoon, if I want to be comforted or fall asleep. It isn't my favourite Disney movie, but that is a much longer story. I can't choose just one. It means a lot to me, just like the Lion King was the first movie I saw in the theatres when I was three, and I know the music to every single Disney cartoon musical princess extravaganza from the nineties. "Just BEE yourself" is something my Mom still tells me, quoting Aladdin, and many other sayinsg.

Have a lovely Saturday night,

love,

Jess :]

if I said I wanted our dining room chairs to be

[eighty three]

lawn chairs, what would you say?

I could go for some crazy cupcakes right now. Or cheese cake. Or some sort of apple crisp. I could go for a high five, or a hug. I could go for a hot tub, a good old soak, for an hour, with margaritas. I could go for some bbq and water gun fights. I could go for a large bottle of champagne drunk out of timmies cups. I could go for icing on my nose and yours. I could go for giggling under the sheets. I could go for toe nail polish. I could go for soft toilet paper, a lot a lot. I could go for stealing a look at your neighbour's bathroom cabinet while you use their bathroom. I could go for reading billboards. I could go for magazine advertisements. I could go for a wicked panini right now. I could go for some black and white photography of tigers and old movie stars. I could go for an anklet right now. I could go for a hockey game. I could go for some sprite. I could go for high waisted skirts right now. I could go for a vacation. I could go for a sunflower right now. Or any flower.

I've never been given a real flower from a boy, ever. Well, once in seventh grade, from my "boyfriend". Get this, we were in an assembly like watching a movie or something on Valentine's day, and he was sitting beside me. And he slipped over on the gym floor and put a red rose in my hand. I thought it was so cute, I actually think I still have some of the dead leaves. I mean, I have some random flowers that are actually weeds from random boys or my brother, but no one's ever given me anything special.

Nothing like...Christmas eve, he shows up with a dozen yellow roses, and asks you to marry him with them because he can't afford a ring. And every christmas eve after that he shows up, with a dozen yellow roses... That's what happens to my mom and dad, and I want that, you know?

I want to have best friends, and loves, because I feel like my best friends are the loves of my life, and that I can provide them with that too. I think everyone should listen to birds sing all the time, because it feels just so great. they should also drink iced tea, and play cards in the afternoon on a patio in June.

Take care, lovelies,

Jess :]

take a trip around my high rise, baby

[eighty two]

I look in the mirror and I don't recognise myself. I hate them, they make me not me. I am not like this, and they can never leave. I need them in order to function, but I hate them. I don't recognise me, and that hurts me. Without them, I wouldn't recognise me either, it's just how it has to be for now. I wish it was different.

I wish a lot of things were different, but I guess they are alright as they are. I wish that I didn't have these stupid stupid glasses, and that is because they don't make me me. I first got glasses in kindegarten, and I only had to wear them when reading stuff on the board, and they game in this wicked cool green case with bears on it. I used to love them then, even though the kids called me four eyes, and chased me around calling me frizzy haired and chubby. And then in grade five I had to wear them all the time, because the eye doctor yelled at me that I didn't know that before. Then in grade eight I got contacts, and literally a month later, bam, my eye issues began, and it sucked. Everything sucked.

And it still kind of sucks, but I guess I can see so it isn't so bad. I wish that I could just wake up and see perfectly, and that I could see better than I could before, but it's so much harder to wish for something that won't happen. To be honest, I don't think believing in something that is hardly possible to ever happen is realistic, and therefore I won't. I want to be able to be happy in what I'm doing, and if that means I have to accept that I will never see properly again, then I will just deal with it.

I just feel like lately I've had to put up with a whole bunch of bull shit, and that everything I've ever wanted when I was younger has become unattainable, or atleast harder to attain. I never give up, but damnit, I hate the people who have it so easy and take that shit for granted. Your eyes hurt from the sun? Yeah, well mine hurt from five surgeries, suck on that.

I don't mind people in general, but people who take things for granted hurt my feelings. I can't see, but I have so many other wonderful things. When I have to get blood tests, I remind myself that there is little kids in Africa who don't have health care and die because they have no medical help, whereas I'm crying about a needle to help make me better. When it's cold outside, I remind myself that people die of heatstroke everyday. I love all food now, I love my water, I will never, ever, EVER take water for granted ever again. I love my family and friends more than anything in the world, and even though somedays I believe I'm going actually crazy, I am grateful that I can organise and maintain my own thoughts, and live my life in freedom.

This is for everyone who has nothing but their own hearts and bodies to take for granted, and to you, I salute and love. I want to give everyone the world and the moon and stars, and the universe, and I want everyone to realise that you may not be tall or smart or fast, but you are perfect in some way, believe me. You may not have discovered it yet, because I haven't, but I know it's out there.

Love always,

Jess :[

remember that i love you

[eighty one[

late.

I've noticed something about walking that is sort of revolutionary. It's just the same as crying. You walk for a steady while at first, especially if you are alone, but once someone joins you you slow down, you may even change pace, you'll probably stop, and before you know it, you're jumping or hugging or sitting, and the long journey through movement will be relatively over, for the time being. I think that parallels nicely with crying, for me anyway, but usually if I talk when I cry I laugh a lot, and it's usually to myself, in the shower. That's just how it is.

I think that walking could parallel with so many other humanly functions, and I think this is why I'm in english, because I have these thoughts, and although I can't exactly put them in words and organize them perfectly to surround an argument, I can read a passage or poem or prose or play, and figure these sort of things out. If you want to know more about walking, go outside then, walk around. Think about how it relates to your breathing, high fives, anything. Things are relatable, just like people, you just need to find the niche, the way to get a hook in their sides, and then you've got it, sailor.

Why I bring this up today, or rather, what was supposed to be yesterday, is that I almost feel more comfortable crying when I walk. Or when I stand, in the situation of the shower. I feel that my tears and my thoughts and feelings don't sit with me, they aren't confined because that is just the natural way of my thoughts. I don't let them just stay inside the fence, I let them run around and when it's time I tug the leash and they are back in line. I feel like when I walk, I can really let it all out, I can let the tears roll off of my face, and sunglasses really help this not cause a scene on the streets. If you really want the real effect, try it at night, it's dangerous, but it's almost thrilling, it takes your breath away.

Out of all of this walking and crying, I must say, I enjoy doing both alone. I may enjoy people hugging me when I cry, but I certainly can't stand too much talking. I can't stand when people try to talk and walk and cry at the same time, they don't mix, they're just not water soluable together, they don't dissolve into the great big sea of life, and it is noticeable when you actually dig down deep and realise what you want.

I want the world to sing, so very merry merrilly.

I want the world to just have its crying times, and to have its times to just talk it all out, and the times to be quiet and happy, content, give me an emotion, unfortunately and fortunately, I think the world deserves to feel it. Other than hurt and loneliness. They can feel anger, and hatred, and sadness, and loss, and losing, and lost, but hurt, no. Loneliness, unless for an incredible good reason, does not mesh well with the human psyche. Seclusion? Isolation? It drives people insane.

So I am sorry this is a day late, and this will be the first of two for today. I think that I am going to have myself a yummy lunch, and then have a lovely evening at the theatre. If you want, you could try walking and crying today, however, I would never recommend anyone just suddenly burst into tears, but a soft rolling never hurt anyone.

Take care,

Jess :]

Golden Years, oooh

[eighty]

Doug: She just made me some coffee and asked about ym day, and I coughed a bit, see, and I thought that maybe she'd look away and ignore it, but she didn't. That woman misses nothing, and so I drank a bit and looked at her, 'cause maybe then she missed it, but she didn't, she caught me red there breathin' away, and I wheezed a little, and she looked at me all cross, and I kinda smiled all weakly and tried to laugh but I coughed again, and this time I dropped the mug off the table and it shattered with the hot coffee all over and she jumped a little see, and I was thinkin' I'd wake up the kid in the other room, so I got down to help her clean it... I tried, you know? I tried to be there for her with Janie, I tried to be there to raise the kid, but I'm not good with them, I never wanted them, Bea never wanted them, Janie was... Our mistake. And I guess little Jake's her mistake, and I guess I love Jake, because she's like a little piece of forgiveness in this house, because when I got up to help clean the mug she yelled at me to sit back down, and by then I was coughin'... and when she was done she wiped her hands and sat beside me, and took my hand and said that she'd never ever forget to love me, and I guess that when we got married, she'd never forget to love me or anything... I sometimes think she only loves me when the kids are around, 'cause then she doesn't have to focus on them...

Beatrice: Doug likes his coffee black, and that's all fine and everything, but I mean, it's got no substance, it has not even a little bit of milk or sugar or nothing, just straight black no background no heart... So I make it for him, and he's not doing so well these days, he's sick, he's always coughing all through the night and the last time the doctor said that he'd have to take some sort of injections, like a needle, and I said I loved him and all but I wasn't going to be giving him a needle everyday, I couldn't do that! And then he told me that and started coughin' and he dropped the red mug, the one from Niagara that we bought on our honeymoon, and I thought that I'd about cry 'cause then it was all over the floor, and he tried to help but I shuffled him away what he's wheezing and coughin' I mean, I'm the lady I'll clean you sit there and watch me pick up the pieces.. It's a work of a saint the kid didn't come runnin' in, screamin' about nightmares or some shit just to be involved, sometimes I feel like she's just her mother dressed up to haunt me again, and I never really...I never really cared that much about it, about an upbringing or that care, that heart Janie's, Janie was a kid, she was a brat, and Doug did shit all to help... and I didn't want her, I didn't want no one... Then I met Doug and I wanted him, and then we had Janie and I suppose I wanted her but.. I think that he sat down and calmed down after I cleaned the mug, but he was probably coughin' still 'cause that's all he does, cough and smoke. You'd think that if I had to get injections into him it'd be impossible 'cause he wouldn't be able to stop shakin' from all the coughin'... I miss the days when we could sit together on the veranda and just talk, or sit and he'd read me the paper, and we'd not have to worry about the war or Janie's kid or the kid...I think he smokes now 'cause of his job, 'cause it stresses him.. I pray he never has to read a name of our neighbours or Margie's boys or.. the kid'd never come up, she's too much of a brat to get sent back here in a box...

Jennie: Grandpa was all coughin' see, and I was thinkin' that maybe I'd have to go help like I do sometimes in the radio room, but I didn't, 'cause I was supposed to be sleeping, so I did I layed in my bed, and I was thinking that I should get up and atleast shut the door, but then I heard something crash and I jumped a lot and froze 'cause I thought they were angry or somethin', well, I thought Nan was angry, 'cause she's always angry see... She always is telling me to pick up my toys and hurry up, I don't do nothing really bad ever.. Grandpa told me, that he'd teach me how to race the duckies in the back pond in the summer and I said that'd be just fine... I dreamt the other night about... In my dream, there was no pond, just Ma' and the birds in the back, and she came to me, and I was crying 'cause she was crying, and I don't know why, 'cause I didn't think it was a dream, so I thought if Ma's crying then I should cry... I heard Grandpa start coughing again and then they were talking but I couldn't hear them so I turned over, and I fell...fell...back asleep...

These are just monologues that I just wrote today on this blog to kinda get more into some characters that need a little work, they need more work, but I think this stuff shows the dynamic of Bea and Doug, who equate to Nan and Grandpa respectively, and Jennie is 'the kid' referred to, and there is no monologue from Janie, but that's an implied gesture by the playwright (MOI) so pick up on that! Just an exervise, needed to get some thoughts out.

Take care,

Jess :]

please, mr. jailer

[seventy nine]

I want a pet hippo. Why? Because they have big noses. I want it to live in a large pond in my backyard, that I will have always at a warm temperature for them, and there is mud at the bottom. The hippo will be male, but will have a daughter, because my other pet hippo died from poachers. I will name the big hippo Jerry, and his daughter will be named Melissa, and they will live in the pond in my back yard, that I will have large palms providing shade from the hot sun, but it will not be too hot, for their skin to peel. I will take care of them, and make sure that they are happy and loved. They will be able to leave and come back as they please, because I do not really own them, I just make sure that they're okay. I am their protector, I am their loving family. I will never let them down.

Silly hippos.

But really though, buy me a hippo, Jerry, Jerry the hippo. Does that not sound like the perfect name for a hippo? Just like Mackenzie or Jeffrey are perfect names for giraffes? I think that Willie is good for a pig, and razor is a good name for a lizard. I don't know why I name everything, it should be a bad habit, but I don't think I do it enough for it to be a habit, not quite, so I would say maybe an infrequent passtime, and that says a lot about how many pass times I could potentially have...

No matter, I feel that it is more important to focus ont he reasons why I decided to tell you about my desires to own hippos and care for them, and this is because I love. Not just in the 'Iluvu' way, but in the 'I will devote my well being to focus on your well being' love, and that's how I live my life. When I say I will give you as much love as you need, I will seriously devote my time to provide you with that love, aw yeah babay.

So if you want a new pet hippo, or if you are taking the night to catch up on some school work, or if you're at a theatre, or if you are walking to a grocery store, you know that I probably love you, because I have this true belief in humanity, that all people are...relatively good, and that I can trust in them that I can plug into their good vibes of retaliation and love, back.

Love, always

Jess :]

this indecision's bugging me

[seventy eight]

Do you like Eric Clapton? Have you ever seen yourself reflected back to you in someone else? Is it white or black? Does the world actually revolve around one person? Is the sun big, or is it just my eyes again? Do you like kittens or cats? Should I use bleed through markers? Is it actually hotel california? Are brown bag lunches efficient? Can you love someone and let them go? Who pinned this to my door? Am I a real person? Do you live in a dollhouse? Who is Barbie? What is style, exactly? Are you greedy? Do you live? Is it the truth or is everyone just playing a part in a play for their entire life? Who is God? Should everything be related back to relgion, politics, and love? Can I change?

I felt like asking a lot of questions today, some of them I've actually thought about a lot, one I didn't ask was about getting out of bed, and if time is real. One of my biggest fears in life is running out of time, so if you know me at all, you'll know I plan a lot of my life, but I plan for apontanuity as well. I want to live in the moment, but if I don't get everything done, anziety sets in. I don't know if this is healthy, or if I have this balanced enough, but it's a question I don't focus on all that much, because it is a fear of mine... I wish things were different sometimes, and other times, IN FATE WE TRUST.

Unless you hate the world, you're going to have a purpose in life.

And if you don't know what your purpose is yet, or ever, then it seems like it is worth more than knowing. Because if you know what your purpose is, then you are just living, striving, for that one thing. If you have no idea, and you do it without thinking about it, then it is a search that drives the forces of your fate, not yourself. I feel like I have an idea of what my purpose is, but that brings up the other question, what if you think it is one thing, but it really isn't at all?

Have you ever truly hated question marks? When you major in english, you learn to hate punctuation, especially if you're a writer. I love semi-colons, and I almost make it a goal of mine to use them frequently, but it is hard to use them at any time, and therefore misuse is common. I hate grammar, and I hat epunctuation, and as a writer, I lovingly get to make up my own, semi-judicial rules on both of these things. I love being a writer, I love writing, I love reading.

In order to love writing, you have to love reading.

Where else would you learn your shit? You don't got your shit down pat unless you really know what you're talking about. That's why I dislike BS sometimes, because most of the time, you don't know shit all of what you're talking about.

I looked inside myself today and found something that I love, and I will never let it go. My fic of the day is holding on to things. I want to have memories and thoughts forever, things that will keep my fire burning, for the rest of my life. Stoke the fire, roast the marshmallows, let the embers burn while you cherish the time that you spend with your memories. I love my mind, and no one will ever understand how much or why.

So, if you have any connection to anything I've mentioned today, I hope that you are having a wonderful Sunday, and that school doesn't stress you out too much, or the world isn't pressing down too hard, because it really isn't that bad. And if it is, then just think: You are incredible. And never forget to breathe, that sucks, forgetting that little tidbit of life, continue to breathe, and life will go on. Breathing is the key.

Love always,

Jess :]

beam me up,

[seventy seven?]

I miss my peeps. I realised how much I missed just eating junk and watching sci-fi seventies' CGI film crap with my boys and my ladies, and talkin' about literature and stupid youtube videos and knives, oh the flippin' knives.

On a much less weird and individualistic note, I think what is missing from my life and I'm trying to fill right now is the fact that I want to make people feel special, and I have no one to dote over. I have no one to send 'i love you's to, I have no one I can just be my loving self towards, and I feel like, instead of trying to fill that void at the moment, I should be focusing all that energy on myself... Or my fish, because he seems kinda sad and lonely too (he also misses his daddy)

I named my fish after David Bowie, and the Adam sandler character from his hanachka christmas movie 'eight crazy nights', and I think it was a good idea. He is a beautiful blue, and he has a blue tank to match, and even though his water leaks all over my desk and he gets cold too easilly, I always find myself gazing dreamilly at him, and watching him follow my finger around his tank. He is beautiful, he was one of the ebst gifts I was ever given, and now I've gotta keep him alive long enough to prove that I can do it on my own.

I think true beauty is not the eye of the beholder, but that of what that person believes of themself. If you think you're a rat, you're a rat, but if someone else sees the beauty in that rat, then by-God, listen to the, I want to see the beauty in everything and everyone, and I do, or atleast, I try to with most things. That english paper due in April? It's going to help my eyes get stronger with small print, and help me with my MLA style, and my persuasiveness (not a persuasion pun, I'm not choosing that topic) but for real, it will be art, it will be somewhat beautiful, and the process is beautiful as well.

I want to be beautiful in his eyes, and I just realised, that I probably am, and he'll never read this because..well he won't, but he's beautiful to me too, and I'm not letting go of that, because he's my best friend.

So if you love someone, or hate someone, or are lonely and sad, or surrounded by loved ones and happy, or if it's your birthday (buddy) or anything else you may be, I hope you look outside your window or into your fishtank or into your dark, wine filled basement and see the beauty in it all. Life is a work of art, and your life is the beauty, the pastels, the water colours, the oil, the sketch-marks, the brilliance that creates the love and passion that is needed for such an act.

And never forget, that if you have no one, I think you are beautiful, I believe in you, and I will always be here for a hug, smile, or love.

Take care, with love,

Jess :]

can't remember

[seventy six]

This has to be short today, I promise tomorrow will be a long rant about science and how much I wish academic theory was not based on fact but based on how well you can make the theory sound. I also want to express my love of the soundtrack to the lion king, because it just makes me feel so happy. I want to be in a large, white bed like we had in florida last year, one of those beds that you can lay horizontally both ways and not fall off. A bed that has a huge white dubet, and there is no limits to sleep or lounging. A room, that you can look out the balcony and see a large palm tree, and just beyond that is a large pond where there are ducks and swans. I miss florida, I miss vacation, just one more month and I can just tan all day and relax. I can do this month, I've just got to get through this weekend first, then I can truly take a break!

I hope everyone had a wonderful st.patty's, I sure did, it was an eventful afternoon atleast, and a lovely evening spent partially in with two thirds of my ladies (hehe)! Have a lovely day, and have a glass of wine on me tonight, I'll be havin' a couple for you!

Take care!

Jess :]

my feet hurt do your feet hurt?

]seventy six]

Not only do I hate shoes, but God, do I hate when you where shoes anywhere that kill your feet. I think thats the worst part about shoes, when you feel like your feet with cramp up and hurt, or that you can't feel them because they are in so much pain. I think that everyone in the world, or atleast the ladies, know the feeling. The feeling of immense pain as your feet shift farther and further into your shoes, or the heels on your boots get higher and heavier as the night or day goes on. Just take a good foot massage for me ladies tonight, and I'll take one for you too!

I hope the feet don't feel so hard to live with, and I hope you have a great st. patty's!

love,

Jess :]

hold me closer

[seventy five]

Have you ever put perfume on while wearing a jacket, and then not wear the jacket for a while, then put on the jacket again, and all you can smell is that perfume, and you think of that night you had in that jacket? That just happened to me, unfortunately, I'm not sure if the memory was a good or a bad one. I plan on making good memories from now on, let's all chill out together.

That's the goal, my other resolution, that I feel I've been excelling at, and that is to chill out. I usually worry a lot about other people, and lately I've just figured that I fit into a place in the world, and if other people aren't cool with that then that's their problem. I want to exude comfort and pooliteness, and extreme happiness. Maybe not extreme, but atleast good enough that I can get by with minimal sadness. I want to be fabulous.

And I want the world to reflect my fabulous-ness.

so if there is any way to do this that I have in my power, that would be to just smile away the days, be nice to everyone, no hate. I hate your hate. I love the love that goes around sometimes, and other times I just want to spread hugs and joy. I feel like Japan needs a hug, maybe a relatively cyber-long distance-hug, but it is still thinking of them. Also, Libya. Yeah, hey there world, Japan's in turmoil, Libya's still fighting too. Hugs go out to everyone who is frowning right now, frowns make me frown.

It takes more muscles to frown then to smile, so why not take a break from the work outs?

I think that if you are going to be happy, then you need to just have that comfort level of knowing that you may not be the best at everything, and you may not be well-rounded or smart or thin or tall or anything like that, you may not know the capitals of everything or the dates to any historical event, you may not know the square root of six hundred twenty four, but you are comfortable with the fact that everyone is imperfect, perfection is a myth, and if there is any way of attaining perfection, it would be through happiness.

Bliss.

So if you are unhappy, or stressed, or tired, or sad, or in any mood really I send you a cyber hug today. I send you my love happiness and good thoughts because I may not always apply them to myself, they will always be infinite for others, and luckilly, I am never gone. I am always present.

Have a lovely evening, and keep your head up!

Jess :]

if i write about what interests me

[seventy four]

I have been thinking a whole lot lately about what motivates people. I mean, the kind of things that are huge choices, down to the little things such as starting a blog. What if you have no motivation? And what if your motivation is for someone else, and that motivation is not returned? I think of all of these things, and that prompts me to motivate myself into gear, to figure out what I really want in my life, and what I respect, value, and deam important.

So looking through my motivations, I started with this blog. I write it for me whereeas some people write their blogs for other people to read them, I write this so I don't go too crazy, and so that although my thoughts are jumbled, they can be somewhat decipherable enough to be able to write down here.

I am motivated to go to school so that I can be better at what I love, and learn everything, and get a job that I love, and do everything that I want. I feel like this university education will open so many doors of opportunity for me, in ways that may not seem possible right now, but will be possible once I put that time and commitment into it. I am motivated to write every paper, attend every lecture, and actually try hard in every class so that I can be better.

I am motived, in general, to be happy, for the sake of my happiness, sanity, and well being. I don't know if I could call it motivation, or if I could just use a loose term of prompted indirectly, to be happy. I feel more influenced and pressured to be happy then a wanting, I'd rather you be happy, but I guess that I want happiness as well, and even if it is hard sometimes, I gotta try.

So if youo have motivations, or have no motivation, buckle up and take the plunge. I think that in order to really hold the reigns of your life you need to have that motivation to get out of bed in the morning and do something with your life.

I really haven't thought about much else today, I've got to write and write and write some more for my playwriting class, so I've got to go slam into the headache that is my life.

Take care,

Jess :]

I just wanna lay in bed, in a bed, a bed all day

[seventy three]

I was thinking today how unbelievably happy and how terribly sad I was, all in the same emotion, and what I would call it on here. To be honest, I have no idea, because it hurts and feels great at the same time. There's a couple different reasons why and I will keep those to myself, but for the most part, I've just had a lot of time to think today, and unfortunately I won't be sharing a lot of those thoughts here.

But, I will share, that it means a lot to me, just a couple words, or one word, from one person, and if you say one word the right way, then it changes everything. Say you put the wrong emphasis while asking someone to marry you, WILL you marry me, sounds a little desperate, whereas will YOU marry me sounds a bit more personal, a lot less general, and a pinch more meaningful. I don`t mean to say I had a marriage proposal today, but I do mean that in conversation passing emphasis was given, and said, in the right way, in order to positively charge my mood.

I don`t know much about the brain, but I`m beginning to wonder why the hell I`m stuck with headaches everyday, and I don`t know much about the stomach, but why am I always nauseousÉ And I don`t know much about feet, but two days after you wear fancy shoes you shouldn`t be in this much pain.

Other things on my mind today: I am regretting to announce that I believe my insomnia has returned, and I am welcoming it back with the same enthusiasm as the plague. Not only are my stress levels through all four floors in my residence but way past the roof, passing by the clouds and heaven the o-zone and the atmosphere, but I`m pretty sure galaxies far away are picking up radiation from my stress. I think that in order for me to get back, this spring forward deal needs to calm down, and maybe I need to take a little chill pill placebo as well.

As for my morale, it seems to be alright, I mean, I`m sick of people in general mainly myself, and I`m sick of having to do work all day erryday, but, I can deal, because I get an extra long summer, and I am waiting for the days in May where I`m going to spend them in my back yard with a book in a bikini tanning and sipping probably a cold beer, but in my mind I like to pretend it`s a cosmopolitan :D

I wish there was a blogspot equivelant for the little man with sunglasses, the cool dude smiley, c`mon MSN kids, you know it.

So anyway, I have nothing else to rant about today, this hasn`t been much of a rant as more of a diary post, but to be hoenst, I`ve spent four hours of my day finishing a novel about Dublin, and the other half of my day writing a scene for six, which has not been turning out wonderfully, and I am just too tired to even want to attempt to rant about it.

I am too tired to complain.

I just want some smooth sailing, some surfin`USA, some baby please come home, I wish it was Christmas, or atleast Canada Day, so that I could see some fireworks and dance, my new two favourite things. On a totally high good note, I found the song that I love today that I could enver remember, BLACK WATER-the doobie brothers. Check it out, and while you listen, think of my smilin`face doin`a boogie with the doobie-bro`s, because that is what I am dreamin`for, baby.

So yeah, sweet dreams if you can sleep, sweet starin`at the ceiling if you can`t, and if you can, you suck, just sayin`.

Love always and forever and for all those who need some love, take it,

Jess :)

awful fuss

[seventy two]

It's a pinch, life
because we say so many things about love
and happiness
that it's all just a lot of talking
and not a lot of doing
it's all a lot of looking and
admiring,
but it's not a lot of actually being,
i dare you to be
instead of just to see
because I can't,
not meaning that I don't
but I feel like, maybe that,
I could be a little better
if you be'ed a little better
so be,
damnit.

<3

Jess :]

oh won't you stay

[seventy one]

just a little bit longer..

I've been focusing a lot on making sure that I have been healthy lately. In eating, activity, sleeping, and in a mental way as well. I feel like in university our grasp slips on what is healthy and what you do to get by academically. Not only is binge drinking, staying up until four in the morning, and obscene amounts of coffee standard for a first year university student living in residence, but it is almost the norm. I don't think I've ever slept so little, ate so detrimentally to my health, or been in such a state of mind that I have been pressured into panic/anxiety attacks.

Stress is common, considered normal, and expected, in high doses during university. I need the best grade I can get, therefore I need to put that much effort in to reach that goal. In order to put that much effort in, I've got to stay up late, and skip a meal, and forget about my happiness for the time being, in order to complete what is needed. Not only do I neglect my needs, but I have been putting a lot of other things ahead of myself lately, including people around me, and the academic standards which I have been attempting to get a hold of since September.

So I've decided that I'm going to focus a little bit more on being healthy, a little less on staying up late a little more on sleeping as much as I can afford. A little less about what takes shortest to eat, but what I want to eat in order to be healthy. A little less alcohol a little more water. A little less perfectionist a little more contentedness. I know I can do it, it's just getting to that area of confidence and common ground with acceptance that is taking the time.

If everyone did this in university, I think that standards would maybe not be lower, but more achievable. I've got to focus more on the me side of university, as opposed to the us side, and I'm realising a little too late that simplicity is key in here. I'm no hoarder, but I could use a little less drama a little more comfortableness.

So if it is unattainable I'm going to fail trying, but I know I can get there. It may take me until September to get to a point where I am comfortable, I'll take the summer to get back up on my feet. If it makes any sense at all, I just want to be a wave on the sand, instead of the tsunami. I want to just wreak a little havoc, no need to cause a natural disaster on my life. Like Japan, I can only wait so long for aid to come and help me out of this, it's hard to get back up on your own.

So I am thankful for everyone I talk to on a semi-daily basis even, the people that distract me from school when I need to be, or who pinch me during a play because I was falling asleep, the people who I can dance to Cheap Trick to on their birthday, the people who are still there even though we both know that it should be over, the people that I miss so much because their faces make me smile alone, the people who I can laugh with for hours about jokes about pants, the people who I'll never forget, the people who I've known forever, the people I love. I am thankful for people, as much as they cause my downfall they also pick me back up again.

So, keep on falling.

I'll pick you up.

Take care,

Jess :]

new orleans is sinking..

[seventy]

I missed yesterday apparently! So I will write two today, and make this one different from the next somehow, and I got this, no worries. I think it was because I've been overtired for a couple of days, especially yesterday, since I had maybe four hours of sleep and was just tired all day. If only I could turn back time to eleven forty five pm last night I could just do this yesrerday, but no such luck for me!

I have been planning my summer already, excluding the job factor as that hasn't really been enlightened information quite yet. I have been writing a list of tv shows that I am watching on DBD so that I can actch up on my pop culture and my British pop culture, and then further my knowledge of cultural indifference and acting style, which I find suitable summer activities. I've also got a book list going. So so far I'm spending my summer watching Seinfeld and reading Austen, hooray.

However, I spend most of my summer up at a beach two hours away from here and my actually home and everyone that I love. I go up there, and I get togther with my beach friends, and we spend tow months of inpenetratable bliss. We live in our own worlds up there, it's a different way of life. You wake up at ten, eat, then go to the beach all day. You have dinner with the family, then leave until the wee hours of the morning to go to the hot tubs or run to the water at midnight to watch the fireworks while you swim and then drink beer listening to country on the back of a sixty nine chevy tailgate.

You bike, everywhere. Into town, there's a subway and a dairy queen, and those are the only two recognizable hot spots other than home hardware, and if that is anything to be excited about then I've really been missing out. I miss the air downtown, the people who walk and J-walk the hell out of main street because if the cars hit you then well, that's not legal at all. I love how I wear shorts everyday and sandals and buy books used for two dollars at the thrift book store. I love how the arcade sells rubber ducks.

I love how my friends are hilarious, and we can not see each other for ten months and then instantly be inseperable again. I love how we can talk for hours about nothing, or drink from eleven till four and then wake up at eight to work. I love how when we work it's always hilarious and although our job is taken seriously, it still is the best job in the world. I love how they gave me a job, period.

I love the people who live in this park, that aren't transy's who just come and go, but the old people the young people the little kids the parents, the every singled out person, who knows why they're there is because this place rocks, and the atmosphere is just that everyone is so happy and in love with the beach and the park that you don't want to leave.

The second you hit the beach area, time seems to slow down. My favourite part is when we get into the gate area to get into the park, we have to slow down. I take out my ipod headphones from the backseat of the family van, and I just listen to the trees as the wind blows through them while we eneter the park. At a certain point, all five of us in my family whip off our seatbelts, and then just sit waiting to get into our trailer and unpack, so that we can begin our vacation.

We sometimes go on weekends during school, and those are great too because the paragraph above happens, but everything happens so much quicker. Friends pop out and we only have two nights to catch up, and then we stay out all night and shop or beach all day. I can't explain the feeling, but it is incredible.

I miss my beach, I miss my second home.

Thoughts go out to Japan, and everywhere else that is getting aftermath of this terrible terrible thing. I was crying yesterday, today I'm strong. I know that thoughts don't do much, but if positive vibes wren't worth anything I don't think I'd be here right now.

Take care,

Jess :]

69...

[sixty nine]

Hold me closer and you'll feel no pain.

I think it may just be me, but I have this strong belief in impromptu emotional times, times where I need to just be sensitive and chaotic in my mind and with feelings. I feel like more people need to crack open the bottle in their soul and let other people in or out or whatever they need. I could guess that I am that one person for a lot of my friends that they talk to to just talk it out... I listen, I drink it in, and then I help duct tape the bottle back together for future use. Don't bottle it up, smash it open, and someone'll be there to help put the pieces back together again.

That is also a trust issue I feel like I have people who I can talk to about some things, and other things I feel alone. I feel like that bottle is in a dark room, and I can't find it to break open, but it keeps growing in the time lapse that I can't get my hands on it. I wish that I could see a little more, or that I had a little light to lead me to that bottle on those days... Some days things come, and other days I'm left to be lost until I crawl into the borner, and find the throbbing thing to shatter on the floor of my mind.

Deep.

So on a higher, but mentally equal note, I think that everyone should take a breather, go out and buy themselves some new panties and shoes, and pry open their inner secrets. Address those once in a while. I wrote a little while ago about a shoebox that I put my regrets in and my repressive thoughts that stay in my mind and just sit there, I address those from time to time and accept them, and hang them in my closet. I have to trust you a helluva lot for you to have a fashion show of repression, but my mind is a lot like a destruction zone, I'm still waiting for the UN to come and air lift me out of my misery.

Back to being depressing again, I'm trying to lift this up.

So, if you're in a hard place, in the back corner of the dark room, plug in the Spongebob night light and let the soft light lead you on. If you happen to not like loveable high pitched sponges, mine is a colour changing snowflake, no joke, that my mommy bought me after my last surgery on my eyes. I plugged it in in my room at home and I don't think I've unplugged it since. It keeps me at home, it keeps me safe. It's my own personal dreamcatcher, it is my believer.

Tomorrow is a lazidazy day, I'm an honourary tour guide and then off to the movies so I'll find a minute to drop a couple lines for ya, have a lovely evening!

Love always,

Jess :]

high five parade

[sixty eight]

I don't think I've thought about much today, other than the fact that I haven't thought about anything, which is rather paradoxical, but in my opinion could also be a double negative, in my case anyway. I was thinking about ice cream for a while, because I have some in my minifridge but I figure it will melt soon, so I have to eat it, it is justified now. I don't think anyone could really argue with me to say that I can't eat my ice cream asap, because it will melt and then that's seven dollars down the drain that I didn't even get to enjoy!

If, for any reason, there were to be a bomb threat in the next few days, the only thing I would have preserving is pickles, juice boxes, water bottles, and some triscuits. I guess the rice krispie cereal would also count, but I've only got one half carton of mlik left, and that wouldn't last long at all.

I have been thinking a lot about the world lately, and how I live here in Canada, and I am safe, but there are people who have to worry if that water and rice krispies are enough. There are rebellions rocking the world off balance, yet I sit here totally untouched, stressed about my post-secondary education stresses, and feeling like a real prick. I want to care, and I do care so much, but I feel like I can't make any kind of difference. I want to move away and help people.

It has always been a dream of mine to walk downtown toronto, find the biggest Toys R Us, and buy out their barbies and hot wheels section, and then go down to Sick Kids and just give toys away, and have party hats and blowers and cake, and just be there for those little guys. I'm seriously going to look into this for this summer, see if maybe I could go and just hang out with them, see if they wanna play dolls or trucks or something like that, see if I could play play-doh or something cute with them, or just sit beside one and hold their hands. I want them to know that they're not alone, because that's the scariest part about being in the hospital, I know it is, I was alone, I didn't want to be alone. No one should be alone.

Maybe I'll start to volunteer... I just had that thought, that important thought. What if I looked into nursing homes here at school around the town, and volunteer? I could go and visit and bring a newspaper or my stories or play checkers, I must have the same vision as some of them we could laugh about it and eat pudding or apple sauce, or I could sing or tell stories..

I want to help them, I want to help.

Stay classy, blogspot,

Jess :]

minty chappy chap stick

[sixty seven]

stick it where da sun don't shine, girl
cause I don't wanna hear ya, girl
so just leave it where I'm not gonna see it, girl
cause I'd rather be listening to the stones, girl

did you know british pop stars never die? look at keith richards, he's ancient. I wish I could write songs that are like speaking or like thoughts, like a stream of consciousness, check out Kimya Dawson, she's got her shit down pat. I just felt like doing a stream of consciousness because I've been writing all night. I'm writing a play, I've written novels and stories before, and short stories and fanfictions, and roleplays which are my absolute favourite. It's like writing a poem or a story one line at a time with a group of friends, but it's like...you have one character and you live their life and live their thoughts, but someone else is another character, basically it's sick writing exercises that never ends! I was the best James Potter, Tom Riddle wanted to fight. I feel like self destruction, like big fighting like self hate, like talking heads in the mirror sayin' bullshit like me. I hate genocide, and world hunger, and aids, and cancer, and when people hurt. I wish I had a multitude of hugs and bandaids to fix the world and make it pretty again. Sometimes, I'm happy that I can't see the world well, because I know I'd hate what I see. except, sometimes, I love what I see just the way it is. I love smiling faces and flowers and love. I love your love. Let's talk about sex baby let's talk about you and me. BEACH BOYS. So I want to go to an amusement park in the sun, a ferris wheel at dusk, and the water at night. I wanna fight. I want to know what it's like to know things and be smart and be knowledgable and to be with people. GREAT SCOTT! I like to kiss but I like being kissed better, and I like a good hug even better. I want a honeymoon in Greece. I wish I could wear a watch because then I could see it. Noses kinda weird me out. Bring it on, bitch. cocktails and moonlit nights. Third year is officially going to rock, so much. I'm almost halfway! HOORAY!! LPut your arms around someone, maybe spread a little love, all we need is some ice cream and a hug! I like the colour yellow, and I like green and red and purple and orange actually not orange. I just want to be a STAAAAAR! This is the end, ze end, fin, woah, the end!

Take care!

Jess :]

sick of it ick of it ck of it of it fit it t

[sixty six]

I like smiles.

I've figured that without a smile, then your day really isn't going anywhere. When I went to the hospital a lot for my surgeries, I used to smile at everyone I saw. It was early in the morning, and I had read somewhere that if you start your day off with a smile, then you will internally reflect that positivity. I therefore have this theory, that regardless of the time or where I am or what I'm wearing or what I'm doing, I smile to everyone I see. It's a happiness condition, and even if it doesn't end up brightening their day, atleast they know that there's hope for a smile in someone else in the world. There is hope that a smile is as contagious as it should be. I find that, since I can't see faces anymore, I get really depressed in the mornings, because I can't see if anyone else is smiling back. I have to trust in the goodness of humanity and people that I see that they are smiling back, and even if they aren't, I can't see them anyway. It's all in my head.

:)

Until tomorrow,

Jess :]

good will and silly hats

[sixty five]

I am most excited to have my own place for the reasons of my own privacy except for one: dinner parties. I love potlucks, I love people getting together, I love meeting people and watching people, I think it is just the best time spent. I know people who have dinner parties and love them, I love having dinner parties and potlucks, but I also love going to them. I like to play hostess, but to play the guest is a lot of fun as well! I think it shows great quality of friendship, but it also speaks to their politeness and grasp for balance of their life.

If you don't gotz the skillz, then you don't gotz the skillz, bro.

So I guess I'm excited to get out the good china, make chicken, serve drinks, play some board games and karoake, that's what everyone else does, right? I was at a dinner party once with my parents at a huge farm house in my home town, it is a small town and out in the boonies you really know how to get people together. There were lots of children and food and dips and people, and it was just the most enjoyable experience. I had a dip that had salsa and cheese but it was cream cheese, how is that not incredible? I miss those days where I could go to one of those and be at the age where the kids were younger than me, too young to play, and the adults were talking, and I was too young to talk as well. So I could just enjoy myself by watching everyone talk or play, and I could eat all that I wanted!

There's an episode of The Office with Steve Carrell where Jim has a dinner party and he gives everyone from the office a tour of his home, and I feel like that brings back fond memories. If it was the first time people were in my house, my mom would make me clean my room and wash up for the company. My mom is great for dinner parties, we set the table nice and everything. Now that I've got to depend on myself for such entertainment, I think that it should be super fun!

I don't know why I felt like talking about this today, or talking about the dinner parties or my mom, but it just came to my mind. I feel like I've been so tired for so long that I want to just go to a dinner party and relax, I almost want it to be a blind dinner party so I could wear track pants and slippers, and no one would judge me, and I could wear killer perfume and eat cream cheese salsa and cracker dip for ever.

I also would like to just say quickly that I wish the snow would go away.

Take care!

Jess :]

hug me!

[sixty four]

Have you ever heard one song and you knew that you've heard it somewhere but it was a remake and you liked it a lot better than the first? I have found that in a Feist song that she does, it's a duet called 'Islands in the stream' and I really enjoy it. It is so much more low key than the origina; by Dolly Parton. Maybe it's the lack of the country bounce, the blonde, or the fast-paced beat, but Feist and her duet partener really have it going on. The beat is just so soft, so different, and I love this song. It makes me think of just a lazy afternoon on a grey Saturday watching movies with a group of friends that you love, or heading out to the mall with the girls on a grey saturday afternoon, or getting ready for a party night with the ones you love on a grey saturday afternoon. Nasically, this song is my life today.

So if you're having a lazy grey saturday afternoon, put on this song, and forget the world outside and loves the ones you love, and have a wonderful day.

with love,

jess :]

chapped tee's break your knee's

[sixty three]

Today is the first day that I truly believed in the weatherman. Not that I have read the newspaper, watched the news, listened to the radio OR checked the website to see if they've been predicting rain spring snow or hail, however, I have faith that this is the first nip of spring! Finally I can whip out the spring jacket, my trench, my sunnies, the flats, the tunes that come with the warm weather. Give me a Beach Boys song and the movie Gidget and I'll be surfin' aaaaall day long.

Along with my good faith today it has come to my attention taht people hate good music. I don't hate your hate, but I hate the way you hate my love. Hate hate hate. I've already written a blog on hate last month in a rant story about the sexual revolution in the sixties and Vietnam, and I've finally accepted that if I can't be a history major I can be an honourary mention at least. I think I'm going to immerse myself in the future of my english majoring when I have to take the centuries lit. and learn the history on the side so I actually understand things. If the world believed in love and music and good will, everyone would be marginally happier.

My historical interest branches from Canadian natives to Victorian British imperialists in the Congo to Elizabethan hairstyles to the ancient Trojan wars to American thirties culture, and not only does every topic listed have some sort of investment in my life, but it definitely drags me deeper and down into the meaning of my being here, although that is something entirely different than the matter of my interest in history or not. I think that it would be interesting to know history in order to plan for a better future, call me old fashioned but I like the idea of educated leaders.

I believe in a future of mistakes.

So if you believe it or not, history shapes who we are today. No modern indie band today would be anyway without their classic roots in British pop culture and American bands. Post-modern artists would be nowhere without art history or fine arts. Any inspirational leader of today would be nowhere without the backbone bases from their ancestors. I would be nowhere today without my history, without the history that surrounds me everyday. Now I'll cut the cheese, just pay attention in history class and to the after school specials, they know their shit.

My feet are cold from the rain
my nose is cold from the drops
floating back on clouds it felt
like falling, while running
and I left my head at home
but today I found it in the gutter
and I ran home, I flew home
singing of yesterday
and yesterday
created today.

Take care,

Jess :]

let's be cheesy, I happen to like cheese.

[sixty two]

Do you self punish?

I read an article today about punishment and consequence and that whole bit and it got me thinking about self consequence, shame, guilt, hatred, interior detrimentality as opposed to that of exterior influence. What do people do to punish themselves? I personally freeze myself, or there is some strict deprivation involved. I think it would be interesting to know what people do, not for the sake of aquiring ideas for future need, but I mean more for the mental stability of people, and the wants values and needs of those people.

The article included a little bit about psychotic breaks, psycho-analysis and what non, I feel like a mental case on a daily basis already, who says I need to get an official statement paper on it? I think that self punishment isn't a singular idea from my head, and since I've been lectured a lot to about shame and inner guilt lately I feel that this is appropriate. Consciience. Everyone has different levels of guilt according to their conscience, and I think that it shows a lot about the morality of a person and gauges their mental interest by their involvement with their conscience and if they act in the moral capacity of it. If there is a God, does he rule the values that certain people base their mental moral compasses off of? Or does everyone just have a natural, biological nervous impulse of guilt? I'm no psycho-scientist, but it doesn't mean I'm not interested in it.

Why does guilt affect some people and not others? Consider the topic of abortion. Say you are young and in a bad situation, does that give you the guilt-free card? Does someone still feel the guilt, and if so, does that continue to hang over their heads in bleeeding punishment for the rest of their lives, or does it just get erased one day? I don't have any answers, but I do have a personal theory or tactic to deal with guilt.

If I regret something, and I believe that regret has a lot to contribute to guilt, I usually think about it really hard. I accept it in its true form and realise and acknowledge that in my life and that it has happened. Then, I put it in a mental box (ooooh repression!) and then put it at the back of the shelf until the day when I will regret something else. I think that it isn't healthy, and I think that in my case I could spend a whole lot longer thinking about the things that make me not so much guilty but they are things that really should be addressed in order for me to grow as a person, and to figure out who I am and where I fit in in the world.

I think that everyone has a box, but not everyone takes the right steps to polish it.

Regardless of psychotic breaks or mental cases, guilt is universal. Conscience is universal. I don't think anyone is so lovingly exempt from human feelings and can escape the shame and inner detrimentality that comes with self=punishment. mistakes are a part of life, and if that is how we have to learn then that is how we have to learn. Our brains learn things by trial and error and other methods, that is a biological psychological fact. If that is what we need to do in order to attain higher knowledge and better social skills and mental skills, then I don't see the issue in working on it.

So, if you have a brain and feel guilt and the capacity for an open mind, take a leap this evening and pick the box off of the shelf and open it up. Look at the things that have shaped who you are and accept them, and put them maybe not in a box, but hang them on a hanger in the back of the closet. Get a grasp on yourself, people.

I've had kind of a stressful day and I have no doubt that tomorrow will be just as disappointing, and probably will be until about April twenty second, so stay tuned for some more morally-based blogity blogs.

Until Tomorrow,

Jess :]

the shallow convenience

[sixty one]

Today has been pretty low key, and for the most part I was just thinking about keeping warm, it is amazing how much the body can shivver at a time. I think with the lack of heat outside, and the amount of stress that I have been through lately, my body is ready to collapse. It is weird to think that we don't like to leave animals in extreme heat because they will be uncomfortable, but our bodies adapt. We do that, adapt to our surroundings. If the snow melts in one day and we never see it again, we adapt by celebrating and breaking out the shorts and sandalls, but if conditions are unfavourable to us, we do this thing called complain.

Don't get me wrong, I am a Type A complainer, and I am okay with that. I bash I root for the better I envy I feel hatred and greed, and I think it's almost healthy to complain. If we keep our feelings and opinions inside we'll go insane, and although insanity sounds like a treat it really isn't. Although, everyone is insane in the eyes of others... I think that's the first thing you learn in Freud's school of unconscious concepts to complaining.

I think it is a natural thing to want other things that other people have, or to have the best of everything, and I think that if you want it enough to complain about it, you shouldn't waste your breath and time talking and get into gear. Stop complaining, and jump into action. Nothing revolutionary was accomplished by procrastination, laziness, or solid ass-sitting, however, they all began with a little complaining.

So I don't see it as a total bad thing, the need for change, the striving mind set for wanting to be better or wanting better, I think it gets detrimental to health when you do not act on it. What's the good in complaining about your income when you are complaining and not working? Get off the couch and pick up a few more shifts. If there's something tragic that goes on in your life, look at the positives. I think that positivity and good worth ethic solve complaining and greedy conflict in an instant, it is only a matter of time before it catches on for good.

I also think patience, in it's infinite wisdom and glory, is vital to the survival of finishing anything remotely successful in good time. I think that if you wait long enough, or if you have the good hopes to be content with what you got for the time being, (maybe not karma) but something will come around. I think reciprocity is dead, but good faith isn't.

Our generation, I would dare to say, is one of the complaining. I think what we lack is the initiative to make anything different. If the world's gonna end in 2012 anyway, what's it to us if the environment is any better or if poverty still exists? I think that the big issues are hard to attack and that's what scares us. I also think that we were born into a generation that believed in free will and individuality. Atheists and liberals are common in a common day living situation, and I think that although a liberal upbringing is not undesirable, it has it's limits.

If you were taught not to take crap from teachers or the "man" or the instituation, what rules do you learn? What manners or respect do you learn? If you learned anything in kindegarden it was to be nice to others and they'll return the favour. As I've already mentioned, we live in a time of dead reciprocity, and therefore manners seem to be a useless habit. I think that if you care about osmeone it's common sense that you assume they will do the same back. I think that our generation has lost sight of the purpose of happiness, and that is not the self.

Happiness lives, my friends, in the other.

If you don't know what the other is, it is you in relation to me. It is what the main character of the story sees in itself through others. I see the worse in people throguh others, but I also see the best. I see what I love and hate about myself in other people, but I feel like in the other you habe to trust and learn that this is reciprocity, baby, and it's a good thing.

So if you love yourself, give it up already. I love you, so you can love others. I think that's the point of this rant today. I dare everyone to go a day thinking about everyone but themselves. I DO NOT promote hating yourself, or neglecting yourself, or not loving yourself. I could've said that better. I mean to say that in order to truly appreciate and respect yourself, you need to find that in other people. I think this is the concept of reciprocity that I am trying to get out, and that's the simplest of terms that I could use to explain that.

Holla deep thoughts on a Wednesday night! Tonight's Aggie Pub, my fave, I've been having a hard day so I'm just taking the evening to do some writing and then a lovely dancing night, and then some classes tomorrow and another rant for you!

Take care,

Jess :]

breath of fresh air

[sixty]

Cracking open the window this morning to let in the fresh air and the sunshine I sighed and looked at my poetry books laying on the floor, and kicked them. I do not hate poetry, but man is it hard to come up with ideas everyday for a week. Prose month is over, february is a short month fortunately for me so I can move on to bigger and better things in March!

Today has been my first day since my surgery last Friday for me to actually join in societal activitie, so my main focus for the day has been to stay standing up, not faint, keep breathing, don't wince in pain all the time, etc. I think it went well, I'm not dying now that I have finished all of my classes and have a little down time. I am spending the evening and rest of the afternoon finishing up writing assignments for my playwriting class, all except for my final play that may be a little more deep and entrenched in ym life than I thought.

As for the rest of the week, it doesn't seem too busy but it is. I have two quizzes to potentially finish on Friday, but before I can do that I have to do the readings tomorrow. I have another english assignment being assigned this week as well, along with another assignment being returned. Everything is just falling hard down on my world lately, can't catch a dry spell.

Speaking of lack of work, I have taken up listening to other people's conversations. I think that this is as little invasive as it possibly could be considering the circumstance, I mean, I can't see who they are anyway so it really should not be an issue. However, I think that listening to the way other people speak to eachother about eachother is important in understanding why people are the way they are, and therefore I've been a little quieter than usual lately. I think people don't really notice, not that I am a quiet person or anything, I just think people have stopped really taking notice or caring about me at all; not a huge deal.

Gave you ever studied something so much it makes you hate it? I think that's how I've made Facebook out to be lately. I always swore I was a facebook person, because it is so much more invasive, personal, and ostracising than something like twitter, but I feel more informed and wordldly post-twitter because of the amount of people and variety of people that I can follow.

I follow my favourite youtubers, my close friends, and the new york times world edition. I think these are important to me because I know what is going on in other people's lives right now, and that is the medium of social subjectivity in our society today. I think that our society is based strongly on morals and beams of trust and exploitation to others and strangers and personal friends. I think that in order to be individual and original in a society where identity theft and ideology plagerism is so prominent you need to be reassured of self security and rewarded for being a misfit or different. I think that materialism is the illegitamte love child of facebook and the peace sign.

So if you have a facebook profile page, and remember myspace, and remembe rpiczo websites, and remember chat rooms, and remember when the internet didn't exist and you had to actually see people's faces in order to talk to them and create a bond I challenge you to this: Get a twitter account. This sounds so silly, and you don't have to do it, but twitter search your friends, your favourite actors, your favourite hip musicians, and me (fekkledfudge) and see what's going on outside of facebook. See what people are doing innovatively, see what they are doing to help other people, see what technology has done for the owrld.

Whadda rant, love ya-- I'M BACK

take carem

Jess :]