[three hundred, sixty-five]
And they all lived happily ever after.
I'm going to live happily, that's for sure. I am a better person because of this project, because I stuck with it for the entire year, and because I opened my head and heart to these web pages. I like the way it feels to write something confusing and unique, something for me. I am individuality within my own head, so everyone can shove it if they don't like it. I'm not looking for compliments, I'm just looking for peace of mind.
If there was something lasting that I would like to leave this blog with, it is to put yourself out there. I said a lot of things in the past year here, I went through massive changes in my left, peoplke have gone and come, and will stay, and I intend on continuing to write intimate things elsewhere. I may post in the new year what my new blog is, but I may not. It was fun, amazing, enlightening, but it was a resolution. I will read over these and be proud of myself, because I did this for me.
No one else.
So thank you for reading (if you have) and thanks to this website that's been beaten and lyric-ed on, cried over and gushed on. Everything I've said here is honest and true, and full of love and passion and anything else I could muster. Thank you for the peace that has come here, and I wish you the best with your future. Don't ever forget that you're worth it, and I love you, and there are amazing things in your future. Don't forget that you are special, and to smile.
Always, always smile.
I like your face,
Jess :]
Sunday, December 25, 2011
writing my titles before i start writing the blog was a good idea?
[three hundred, sixty-four]
Today is Christmas day. It was a very good day, despite the lack of sleep and disruptions last night. I've watched more movies with my family in the past two days than I have all year, and good happy meals, and conversations and laughs, which is impressive and surprising. Today was a good day, and we leave for Costa Rica in seven hours. I just want to relax and not worry about anything until the new year, and that is the plan.
I love Christmas because it brings together all kinds of emotions and moments that should happen year-round, but are confined to christmas. Family time, good meals, gifts, good music, dancing, laughter, every one of these things are important in my life. Christmas is important to me because I feel like smiling all day everyday. I don't need to be talked to or paid attention to, just a lovely little atmosphere to spend my time in.
When I grow up I am going to be the cheeriest Christmasteer of all, and just decorate, sing, and love my way through the holidays.
I hate that body image is a huge thing too, by the way. I eat healthy, but I treat myself. I'm not a sixe two, but I don't hate the way I look. Why don't more peopoe like the way I look?
I'm almost done.
love,
Jess :]
Today is Christmas day. It was a very good day, despite the lack of sleep and disruptions last night. I've watched more movies with my family in the past two days than I have all year, and good happy meals, and conversations and laughs, which is impressive and surprising. Today was a good day, and we leave for Costa Rica in seven hours. I just want to relax and not worry about anything until the new year, and that is the plan.
I love Christmas because it brings together all kinds of emotions and moments that should happen year-round, but are confined to christmas. Family time, good meals, gifts, good music, dancing, laughter, every one of these things are important in my life. Christmas is important to me because I feel like smiling all day everyday. I don't need to be talked to or paid attention to, just a lovely little atmosphere to spend my time in.
When I grow up I am going to be the cheeriest Christmasteer of all, and just decorate, sing, and love my way through the holidays.
I hate that body image is a huge thing too, by the way. I eat healthy, but I treat myself. I'm not a sixe two, but I don't hate the way I look. Why don't more peopoe like the way I look?
I'm almost done.
love,
Jess :]
Saturday, December 24, 2011
almost done my blog
[three hundred, SIXTY-THREE]
Restless and unsettled, no home, but comfortable and happy. I didn't fail my coursss, I actually did better than I wanted to somehow. I have amazing friends, a great family, a wonderful boyfriend, two houses, five homes, teddy bears and a big nice bed to sleep in. I have a beautiful trip tomorrow to Costa Rica to get tanned and relax and swim, and I just feel like regardless of the hard darkness that plagues me, I still need aviators to block out the light.
Because I'm badass.
I can't wait for the new batman movie, it's actually insane. Also, have you ever heard 'almost hear your sigh' by the rolling stones? Have I mentioned it before? It's my favourite. It is Christmas tomorrow morning and I don't think I will be able to sleep. I turn twenty in A MONTH from today and I am going to be old, but I am going to be happy.
When I grow up? I want to be happy.
So far relatively good, so I'm good with that. I think twenty will be a big deal, but at the same time I'm going to be embarking on a huge adventure. When I grow up I want to be an adventurer. I think I text too much, my new year's resolution is to rely less on my phone. I don't know how well that will be accomplished, but I am going to try!
Wow, I think Santa's about to arrive, I NEED TO SLEEP NOW OR HE WON'T BRING MY PRESNTS AND I WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS. I should write a christmas play and become famous like the guy who wrote the nutcracker, except more famous than him...since I don't know his name Lhehe. Wow, seriously, sleeping.
I am happy I only have two more blogs to write for this blog, and I am so proud of myself.
LOVE, ALWAYS,
JESS ]
Restless and unsettled, no home, but comfortable and happy. I didn't fail my coursss, I actually did better than I wanted to somehow. I have amazing friends, a great family, a wonderful boyfriend, two houses, five homes, teddy bears and a big nice bed to sleep in. I have a beautiful trip tomorrow to Costa Rica to get tanned and relax and swim, and I just feel like regardless of the hard darkness that plagues me, I still need aviators to block out the light.
Because I'm badass.
I can't wait for the new batman movie, it's actually insane. Also, have you ever heard 'almost hear your sigh' by the rolling stones? Have I mentioned it before? It's my favourite. It is Christmas tomorrow morning and I don't think I will be able to sleep. I turn twenty in A MONTH from today and I am going to be old, but I am going to be happy.
When I grow up? I want to be happy.
So far relatively good, so I'm good with that. I think twenty will be a big deal, but at the same time I'm going to be embarking on a huge adventure. When I grow up I want to be an adventurer. I think I text too much, my new year's resolution is to rely less on my phone. I don't know how well that will be accomplished, but I am going to try!
Wow, I think Santa's about to arrive, I NEED TO SLEEP NOW OR HE WON'T BRING MY PRESNTS AND I WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS. I should write a christmas play and become famous like the guy who wrote the nutcracker, except more famous than him...since I don't know his name Lhehe. Wow, seriously, sleeping.
I am happy I only have two more blogs to write for this blog, and I am so proud of myself.
LOVE, ALWAYS,
JESS ]
love and joy
[three hundred, sixty-two]
lock me in your arms and let your heart
beat me to sleep,
my drowsiness clings to your breaths,
my arms cling to your dreams in fear of
being left alone in
fairytales that begin with something other
than once upon a time,
'cause you and i babe,
we begin with inbetween,
no prince, no princess, no interuptions,
only adventure clink adventure linked together
comfortably.
focus: him.
I love you.
always,
Jess :]
lock me in your arms and let your heart
beat me to sleep,
my drowsiness clings to your breaths,
my arms cling to your dreams in fear of
being left alone in
fairytales that begin with something other
than once upon a time,
'cause you and i babe,
we begin with inbetween,
no prince, no princess, no interuptions,
only adventure clink adventure linked together
comfortably.
focus: him.
I love you.
always,
Jess :]
my boyfriend bought me socks for christmas
and they're actually amazing.
pthree hundred, sixty-one]
Sleigh bells are ringing, I can actually hear them, he's real it is true, he's here to bring presents for me and for you and if you tell me otherwise then it will only be true for me and not you!
I'd love to tell you that the darkness goes away. I think that for me, over my emotional rollercoaster over the past seven years through adolescence, boyfriends, highschool, surgeries, family, everything has just added up to a marble slab of a life that I am actually proud of. I do not regret anything since I learned from it and I have become the person I am because of it, but it has not all been roses, I haven't been strong forever, and I still have times where I'd rather just stay in the black.
But there is light. Come on, it's me, I can hardly swe, there are worse things and I know that nobody cares to hear that but your life does not suck, but it's funny because I knoew that the dark doesn't just come to the blind or the weak, it comes to strong, loving caring beautiful people who do not deserve it. It is hard to dig yourself out of the dark, and even though tunnel vision allows little light to come through it is still there, and it is bright, but the dark...comes back.
I know.
You need to find something, anything, someone, a hobby, love, anything, that will encourage you to embrace the light for the majority of the time. It is hard, and I still don't have a stable helper that gets me through, but I have little things. I wathc movies, the same ones, over and over and it helps so much. I blast music and sleep it off. I do massive amounts of yoga and meditating. I snuggle with good people. I call my mom and talk about the weather, and tons more that if one thing doesn't do it for me I move on to the next on my list, but even those don't work all the time.
So sit with the feeling. How terrible is that? Almost as bad as 'just jump off the cliff,' but I stand by this advice. Sit in your darkness, have a good long chat with it, understand it, and grow to dislike it, motivate yourself out of the cave, mobilize your shovel and start to get yourself out. If you need people, find them, they have shovels. My Reindeedr Club of Fabulous have glue guns for me, but I have a utility belt of shovels and lazer beams scotch tape bandaids positivity seeds anything anyone else needs.
I'm all ears, and love.
So don't be afraid to take a risk, but never think that the end of your life is before the actual end. what a easte.
love,
Jess :]
pthree hundred, sixty-one]
Sleigh bells are ringing, I can actually hear them, he's real it is true, he's here to bring presents for me and for you and if you tell me otherwise then it will only be true for me and not you!
I'd love to tell you that the darkness goes away. I think that for me, over my emotional rollercoaster over the past seven years through adolescence, boyfriends, highschool, surgeries, family, everything has just added up to a marble slab of a life that I am actually proud of. I do not regret anything since I learned from it and I have become the person I am because of it, but it has not all been roses, I haven't been strong forever, and I still have times where I'd rather just stay in the black.
But there is light. Come on, it's me, I can hardly swe, there are worse things and I know that nobody cares to hear that but your life does not suck, but it's funny because I knoew that the dark doesn't just come to the blind or the weak, it comes to strong, loving caring beautiful people who do not deserve it. It is hard to dig yourself out of the dark, and even though tunnel vision allows little light to come through it is still there, and it is bright, but the dark...comes back.
I know.
You need to find something, anything, someone, a hobby, love, anything, that will encourage you to embrace the light for the majority of the time. It is hard, and I still don't have a stable helper that gets me through, but I have little things. I wathc movies, the same ones, over and over and it helps so much. I blast music and sleep it off. I do massive amounts of yoga and meditating. I snuggle with good people. I call my mom and talk about the weather, and tons more that if one thing doesn't do it for me I move on to the next on my list, but even those don't work all the time.
So sit with the feeling. How terrible is that? Almost as bad as 'just jump off the cliff,' but I stand by this advice. Sit in your darkness, have a good long chat with it, understand it, and grow to dislike it, motivate yourself out of the cave, mobilize your shovel and start to get yourself out. If you need people, find them, they have shovels. My Reindeedr Club of Fabulous have glue guns for me, but I have a utility belt of shovels and lazer beams scotch tape bandaids positivity seeds anything anyone else needs.
I'm all ears, and love.
So don't be afraid to take a risk, but never think that the end of your life is before the actual end. what a easte.
love,
Jess :]
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS
[three hundred, sixty]
To Mac or to stay Pc? That is the question.
I have been a pc since..well, since computers were available, since I was tall enough to sit in the computer chair in like 1998 and type letters, but lately I've been feeling a change coming. It's the slowness, the breakdowns, the over heating, the everything. I want something sleeek, shiny, new.
But I hardly know anything about computers, and I do love my computer right now, it has character and is mine and it has been for nearly two years now, but it's not a Mac. I feel silly saying these things, but I think I'm ready. Just something smaller, compact, something that.. Well, I don't know, it seems cool. I'll have to try it out of course, but it sure would be interesting!
That's my debate lately, that's what is ruffling my feathers and is on my mind. I'd love to just go to the apple store and sit in there for an hour and play with one, see if it would fit for me, but I do not have the time. Maybe after the trip, that would be a fun afternoon! Any takers?
My life is so boring.
Jess :]
To Mac or to stay Pc? That is the question.
I have been a pc since..well, since computers were available, since I was tall enough to sit in the computer chair in like 1998 and type letters, but lately I've been feeling a change coming. It's the slowness, the breakdowns, the over heating, the everything. I want something sleeek, shiny, new.
But I hardly know anything about computers, and I do love my computer right now, it has character and is mine and it has been for nearly two years now, but it's not a Mac. I feel silly saying these things, but I think I'm ready. Just something smaller, compact, something that.. Well, I don't know, it seems cool. I'll have to try it out of course, but it sure would be interesting!
That's my debate lately, that's what is ruffling my feathers and is on my mind. I'd love to just go to the apple store and sit in there for an hour and play with one, see if it would fit for me, but I do not have the time. Maybe after the trip, that would be a fun afternoon! Any takers?
My life is so boring.
Jess :]
i think i can
[three hundred, fifty-nine]
I've never been so proud of Christopher Plumber than in The Sound of Music when he doesn't go off and become a nazi. It is lovely to rewatch this movie that I have seriously loved for over ten years and actually understand what is going on. It's a beautiful movie, the songs are absolutely incredible and I feel so good watching it. the best part? My dad does too.
That's something my dad and I share around christmas time, the movied, spirit, music, the Christmas mood. We both love to just immerse ourselves, and he is the jolliest man in my life around this time. Cooking the turkey this afternoon he had christmas carols and the football game on, and we had some rum and eggnog, and laughed because we do this glass of eggnog thing every year, but this year was the first time with rum.
I think in my house today there has been more love and smiles and caring than there has been in a long time. I was worried about today and tonight, and it turned out really good. this is a weird holiday for us with the big trip tomorrow night, but it has been a good holiday so far for our family, and that makes me smile. We needed this.
So I hope everyone else is having a lovely Christmas eve, fortunately I suppose I have to write about six more blogs after this either tonight or tomorrow. I'm thinking I can write one more tonight, and five tomorrow. What I am going to write about is a mystery to me at the moment as I've been having trouble writing more than one in one day for a long time, not to mention five. So hopefully that goes well, I'll try my best! I must finish it!
Take care, and Merry Christmas,
love,
Jess :]
I've never been so proud of Christopher Plumber than in The Sound of Music when he doesn't go off and become a nazi. It is lovely to rewatch this movie that I have seriously loved for over ten years and actually understand what is going on. It's a beautiful movie, the songs are absolutely incredible and I feel so good watching it. the best part? My dad does too.
That's something my dad and I share around christmas time, the movied, spirit, music, the Christmas mood. We both love to just immerse ourselves, and he is the jolliest man in my life around this time. Cooking the turkey this afternoon he had christmas carols and the football game on, and we had some rum and eggnog, and laughed because we do this glass of eggnog thing every year, but this year was the first time with rum.
I think in my house today there has been more love and smiles and caring than there has been in a long time. I was worried about today and tonight, and it turned out really good. this is a weird holiday for us with the big trip tomorrow night, but it has been a good holiday so far for our family, and that makes me smile. We needed this.
So I hope everyone else is having a lovely Christmas eve, fortunately I suppose I have to write about six more blogs after this either tonight or tomorrow. I'm thinking I can write one more tonight, and five tomorrow. What I am going to write about is a mystery to me at the moment as I've been having trouble writing more than one in one day for a long time, not to mention five. So hopefully that goes well, I'll try my best! I must finish it!
Take care, and Merry Christmas,
love,
Jess :]
Friday, December 23, 2011
ode to forever
[three hundred, fifty-eight]
Pay attention, smile lots, drink in moderation, dance, take risks, don't forget to laugh at the jokes, take breaks and watch tv, take breaks and watch movies, take breaks and drink lattes, take breaks to be with friends, write, write poetry in notebooks, love everybody always, drink tea, run in the apartment, giggle.
Get scared, cry sometimes, talk about emotions, talk about boys, talk about love, let yourself be disappointed, get angry, get frustrated with the world, be upset, be negative sometimes but always finish positive, tweet, support your friends, make friends, don't be afraid to let go, believe in something anything at all, jump on beds, fall, get back up, sing loudly and out of tune, cry...from laughing.
Check the time, check the weather, say hello to strangers, make forts, be silly, be weird, be funny, it's okay to not be okay sometimes, let people care about you, take care of you, and support you. Care about people devotedly. Treat yourself, smile often.
Rules I live by (or try to) that I think are important. I have so many more blogs to write that I think I'm going to be done for a while so I can go and enjoy a Christmas film with my brother, so have a lovely evening, chat tomorrow.
love,
Jess :]
Pay attention, smile lots, drink in moderation, dance, take risks, don't forget to laugh at the jokes, take breaks and watch tv, take breaks and watch movies, take breaks and drink lattes, take breaks to be with friends, write, write poetry in notebooks, love everybody always, drink tea, run in the apartment, giggle.
Get scared, cry sometimes, talk about emotions, talk about boys, talk about love, let yourself be disappointed, get angry, get frustrated with the world, be upset, be negative sometimes but always finish positive, tweet, support your friends, make friends, don't be afraid to let go, believe in something anything at all, jump on beds, fall, get back up, sing loudly and out of tune, cry...from laughing.
Check the time, check the weather, say hello to strangers, make forts, be silly, be weird, be funny, it's okay to not be okay sometimes, let people care about you, take care of you, and support you. Care about people devotedly. Treat yourself, smile often.
Rules I live by (or try to) that I think are important. I have so many more blogs to write that I think I'm going to be done for a while so I can go and enjoy a Christmas film with my brother, so have a lovely evening, chat tomorrow.
love,
Jess :]
drained to the brim
[three hundred, fifty-seven[
out of everyone I see I see yours,
and your smile like bright flashing radiance,
glowing girl, take it in and hold it,
it is yours to keep,
and the people who blame,
or confuse or hail and strike,
they don't got nothin' on that blooming bright
smile of yours, to me you
are golden,
to me your stars are tight knit and kept solid,
stable, and I know,
that although your pin stands alone,
I hold a box full of other pins,
dull pins,
waiting for you to shed the light,
so carry on, don't lose a grip or slip,
because I know and we know that you know,
that there is more sight in all this gray
than anything they
can see.
focus: astract for jude
cause she's worth it, as is everyone, take a minute and appreciate the ones who are important to you and realise you are important to them.
love always,
JEss :[
out of everyone I see I see yours,
and your smile like bright flashing radiance,
glowing girl, take it in and hold it,
it is yours to keep,
and the people who blame,
or confuse or hail and strike,
they don't got nothin' on that blooming bright
smile of yours, to me you
are golden,
to me your stars are tight knit and kept solid,
stable, and I know,
that although your pin stands alone,
I hold a box full of other pins,
dull pins,
waiting for you to shed the light,
so carry on, don't lose a grip or slip,
because I know and we know that you know,
that there is more sight in all this gray
than anything they
can see.
focus: astract for jude
cause she's worth it, as is everyone, take a minute and appreciate the ones who are important to you and realise you are important to them.
love always,
JEss :[
trust me
[three hundred, fifty-six]
On this Harry Potter website that I have been signed up on since 2006, HPANA, there is an area for this, this is my latest one.
Dear JK Rowling,
If you ever read this, and I have faith that you may, I would just like to thank you. there are so many other peopole on here thanking you, and thanking you, and telling you how incredible you are as a person, author, mother, and overall bearer or fiction. I would like to thank you for creating a world in which I could outlet my own life, could create new people new imaginings, could be inspired to write my detailed writings as I tend to do, and allowing me to believe in something, someone, and a life that is worth living in. You provided me with best friends when I had none, you gave me passion when I was lost in confusion, you brightened my adolescence, teenage years, and future so that not only could I see, but I could be.
If anything, I would like to tell you that this entire franchise, these books, helped shape the person I am today, and will continue to do so until...well there is no until. I cannot thank you enough for the things you have done for me, and my friends, and my virtual friends and my characters, my self esteem, my third grade self wandering the playground alone and ending up sitting under teh trees reading Chamber of Secrets wondering if there were dungeons under my school, and starting to write. You gave me my pen, and I won't let you down.
I'm going to fly with it.
So thank you, and please do not stop writing. For me, and for everyone else who needs it. But please stop writing about Harry, he's done now.
love always,
Jessica D. W. {Richards, Gryffindor/Slytherin, birch, fawn mane 10 inches)
On this Harry Potter website that I have been signed up on since 2006, HPANA, there is an area for this, this is my latest one.
Dear JK Rowling,
If you ever read this, and I have faith that you may, I would just like to thank you. there are so many other peopole on here thanking you, and thanking you, and telling you how incredible you are as a person, author, mother, and overall bearer or fiction. I would like to thank you for creating a world in which I could outlet my own life, could create new people new imaginings, could be inspired to write my detailed writings as I tend to do, and allowing me to believe in something, someone, and a life that is worth living in. You provided me with best friends when I had none, you gave me passion when I was lost in confusion, you brightened my adolescence, teenage years, and future so that not only could I see, but I could be.
If anything, I would like to tell you that this entire franchise, these books, helped shape the person I am today, and will continue to do so until...well there is no until. I cannot thank you enough for the things you have done for me, and my friends, and my virtual friends and my characters, my self esteem, my third grade self wandering the playground alone and ending up sitting under teh trees reading Chamber of Secrets wondering if there were dungeons under my school, and starting to write. You gave me my pen, and I won't let you down.
I'm going to fly with it.
So thank you, and please do not stop writing. For me, and for everyone else who needs it. But please stop writing about Harry, he's done now.
love always,
Jessica D. W. {Richards, Gryffindor/Slytherin, birch, fawn mane 10 inches)
new
[three hundred, fifty-five]
A good friend of mine brought up something that no one will be surprised to hear that I'm going to look into, and that is humanism. I believe in a lot of things, but the most popular of my beliefs is people. What better way to relish in them more than focusing on a philosophy that doesn't seem like a fiction novel!
I'd like to look more into this humanism thing because I feel like there needs to be something good somewhere. People have to donate to some charities, some people have to go on mission trips, people have to love, love love love is all we need. Why can't everybody just love everybody?
Why can't the other Governments loan Africa some money? I asked this question in my own naivete a while ago, a long while ago, and obviously now I realise it is not so easy, but I want to believe that there aren't just terrible people out there who are powerhungry, not that I'm endorsing any Freudian bs but there has to be some reason, some fix. People are not unfixable, I don't give up on anybody and that is a pedge because I just know that there is some good in everyone, you have to atleast try.
So maybe not by the end of this blog, but on my new blog I will be sure to expand more on my policy of love, and my strong belief in the natures of people, and their goodness, and that everyone has the capability to smile. So smile today, and take a second to give a little lovin', it is well deserved.
love,
Jess :]
A good friend of mine brought up something that no one will be surprised to hear that I'm going to look into, and that is humanism. I believe in a lot of things, but the most popular of my beliefs is people. What better way to relish in them more than focusing on a philosophy that doesn't seem like a fiction novel!
I'd like to look more into this humanism thing because I feel like there needs to be something good somewhere. People have to donate to some charities, some people have to go on mission trips, people have to love, love love love is all we need. Why can't everybody just love everybody?
Why can't the other Governments loan Africa some money? I asked this question in my own naivete a while ago, a long while ago, and obviously now I realise it is not so easy, but I want to believe that there aren't just terrible people out there who are powerhungry, not that I'm endorsing any Freudian bs but there has to be some reason, some fix. People are not unfixable, I don't give up on anybody and that is a pedge because I just know that there is some good in everyone, you have to atleast try.
So maybe not by the end of this blog, but on my new blog I will be sure to expand more on my policy of love, and my strong belief in the natures of people, and their goodness, and that everyone has the capability to smile. So smile today, and take a second to give a little lovin', it is well deserved.
love,
Jess :]
toying
[three hundred, fifty-four]
permeate good will
with joy and familiarity,
infinite peace surrounds you
in love
focus: a special mug for a special lady.
I am so incredibly behind on blogs it's insane, since I have to finish them before I leave on Sunday. It's Christmas eve tomorrow! So I've been having christmas visits with lots of people lately, and it has been rather exciting being in the spirit and revelling in the fact that it is in fact christmas, not just the lead up to it anymore. I love this time of year, because everyone is so in love. Any season that brings the goodness and heartwarming aspects of people is a good one! I am going to write maybe two more blogs and then I'm off to start packing!
LOVE
JESS :]
permeate good will
with joy and familiarity,
infinite peace surrounds you
in love
focus: a special mug for a special lady.
I am so incredibly behind on blogs it's insane, since I have to finish them before I leave on Sunday. It's Christmas eve tomorrow! So I've been having christmas visits with lots of people lately, and it has been rather exciting being in the spirit and revelling in the fact that it is in fact christmas, not just the lead up to it anymore. I love this time of year, because everyone is so in love. Any season that brings the goodness and heartwarming aspects of people is a good one! I am going to write maybe two more blogs and then I'm off to start packing!
LOVE
JESS :]
- - -
[three hundred, fifty-three]
I want a big girl bag, one that can hold all of my big girl things. The pocket mirror and matching lipstick don't fit into these teenage things, I think it's time for a big girl bag. My big girl bag should fit right in with my big girl bed and big girl shoes, it could have a place in my big girl room away from my old home. It could come with me on my big girl adventures, 'cause I'm ready for those now. My big girl bag is what would help me be a good big girl.
I'd really like a new bag, one of those nice ones that go over your shoulder and can hold things and aren't junky or old or anything, just classy. I want to be like Jackie O, just an ex-first lady aging stylishly. I want to age now, I'm sort of sick of being in this weird inbetween. I turn twenty in about a month, that should be an interesting transition. I will be a big girl. So, naturally, I need the damn bag.
It's becoming a security blanket for me, since I don't feel like I really have a place where I belog I've started placing merit on the things I bring with me. My teddy bear isabelle, my makeup carrying case, this snowflake that I bring everywhere and the charms on my keys. I have these two key chains that my grampa has given me for good luck that I bring to every surgery, every big thing that I'd need luck for, and it's comforting.
I'd like a big girl bag so that I could have something to put all of these things in and not look like a little girl anymore. Somethine to help me put myself together.
Jess :]
I want a big girl bag, one that can hold all of my big girl things. The pocket mirror and matching lipstick don't fit into these teenage things, I think it's time for a big girl bag. My big girl bag should fit right in with my big girl bed and big girl shoes, it could have a place in my big girl room away from my old home. It could come with me on my big girl adventures, 'cause I'm ready for those now. My big girl bag is what would help me be a good big girl.
I'd really like a new bag, one of those nice ones that go over your shoulder and can hold things and aren't junky or old or anything, just classy. I want to be like Jackie O, just an ex-first lady aging stylishly. I want to age now, I'm sort of sick of being in this weird inbetween. I turn twenty in about a month, that should be an interesting transition. I will be a big girl. So, naturally, I need the damn bag.
It's becoming a security blanket for me, since I don't feel like I really have a place where I belog I've started placing merit on the things I bring with me. My teddy bear isabelle, my makeup carrying case, this snowflake that I bring everywhere and the charms on my keys. I have these two key chains that my grampa has given me for good luck that I bring to every surgery, every big thing that I'd need luck for, and it's comforting.
I'd like a big girl bag so that I could have something to put all of these things in and not look like a little girl anymore. Somethine to help me put myself together.
Jess :]
repeat the sounding joy
[three hundred, fifty-two]
Around this time last year I wrote a blog named the same as this one, and I can't remember what I said in it but I know it was about the upcoming blog project. At the end of this year, I will have written 365 posts, and I will have accomplished a new year's resolution. This is a first for me, and I would like to continue doing these accomplishments. The wuestion remains, however, what will the next project be?
I am going to start another blog, and post occaisionally, once or twice a week or whenever I feel like it. That's a more casual commitment, but I will have to wait to makke it until I'm back from my trip so that should be exciting. This is the constructive writing that I like, working on things, look at my lovely grammar.
Anyways, this is the beginning of my end blogs since I'm going to be out of the country for the end of the month I'm writing them all beforehand. I can do this! Expect four more today!
take care,
Jess :]
Around this time last year I wrote a blog named the same as this one, and I can't remember what I said in it but I know it was about the upcoming blog project. At the end of this year, I will have written 365 posts, and I will have accomplished a new year's resolution. This is a first for me, and I would like to continue doing these accomplishments. The wuestion remains, however, what will the next project be?
I am going to start another blog, and post occaisionally, once or twice a week or whenever I feel like it. That's a more casual commitment, but I will have to wait to makke it until I'm back from my trip so that should be exciting. This is the constructive writing that I like, working on things, look at my lovely grammar.
Anyways, this is the beginning of my end blogs since I'm going to be out of the country for the end of the month I'm writing them all beforehand. I can do this! Expect four more today!
take care,
Jess :]
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
just about endings
[three hundred, fifty-one[
It has been a weekend and beginning of the week for Christmas, and the rest of the week follows suit. Despite being cold and mildly didappointed with the lack of snowy weather, it has been incredible. the nutcracker was good, ballet was nice old lady calling me 'babydoll' was even better. I've never been so happy and relaxed, just cosy and being read to by my incredible best friend. Whom I love, baby.
I'm listening to baby its cold outside, half dressed, figuring out what to wear as my nails clip loudly against the keys I am realising that this blog is actually ending. I never thought I'd get here, and once it's over I'm going to have to make some decisions about the follow up blogs going to be created. I hope everyone is doing well.
The other day at the Eaton centre we were leaving our table after the biggest lunch, smiling, going off to look for the big swarovski tree, and two ladies asked if we were leaving and ewre grateful to hear that we were. I know from experience that finding a table in the food court at the Eaton centre is impossible, which was why I sat alone for twenty minutes as the boy got lunch because we had snagged that table in fear of losing it. I smiled and said no worries to the ladies with their lunches and addded, "Merry Christmas."
This is the time of year that I can use that excuse for being so happy, but in reality I need something else to say cheerfully to people the rest of the year. Whyy does this time of year bring out the best and worst out of people? It is mind-boggling to think that scrooges exist. Everyone should just love, all the time.
Why am I so cheery sometimes? I think it's this bubble I surround my head in, the world isn't always great and not everything turns out peachy, but atleast some lovely people eist. I hope everyone has a nice night! It feels like a saturday to me and I don't know why. I think I'll write two posts tomorrow to catch up!
LOVE,
JESS :]
It has been a weekend and beginning of the week for Christmas, and the rest of the week follows suit. Despite being cold and mildly didappointed with the lack of snowy weather, it has been incredible. the nutcracker was good, ballet was nice old lady calling me 'babydoll' was even better. I've never been so happy and relaxed, just cosy and being read to by my incredible best friend. Whom I love, baby.
I'm listening to baby its cold outside, half dressed, figuring out what to wear as my nails clip loudly against the keys I am realising that this blog is actually ending. I never thought I'd get here, and once it's over I'm going to have to make some decisions about the follow up blogs going to be created. I hope everyone is doing well.
The other day at the Eaton centre we were leaving our table after the biggest lunch, smiling, going off to look for the big swarovski tree, and two ladies asked if we were leaving and ewre grateful to hear that we were. I know from experience that finding a table in the food court at the Eaton centre is impossible, which was why I sat alone for twenty minutes as the boy got lunch because we had snagged that table in fear of losing it. I smiled and said no worries to the ladies with their lunches and addded, "Merry Christmas."
This is the time of year that I can use that excuse for being so happy, but in reality I need something else to say cheerfully to people the rest of the year. Whyy does this time of year bring out the best and worst out of people? It is mind-boggling to think that scrooges exist. Everyone should just love, all the time.
Why am I so cheery sometimes? I think it's this bubble I surround my head in, the world isn't always great and not everything turns out peachy, but atleast some lovely people eist. I hope everyone has a nice night! It feels like a saturday to me and I don't know why. I think I'll write two posts tomorrow to catch up!
LOVE,
JESS :]
ordinary orbit
[three hundred, fifty]
we live in a q-tip world,
if any nation gets too far involved
it hurts too much,
and they pull out and gasp,
i had a dream the other night,
or maybe it wasn't a dream,
but,
it was sort of like empty heads,
empty bulbs that should shine bright,
and yet they sit in their series, lifeless,
what season is this?
high-definition nations with bright smiles,
and dull eyes, blind eyes,
a disease in disguise.
focus: i wrote this in the shower.
Jess :]
we live in a q-tip world,
if any nation gets too far involved
it hurts too much,
and they pull out and gasp,
i had a dream the other night,
or maybe it wasn't a dream,
but,
it was sort of like empty heads,
empty bulbs that should shine bright,
and yet they sit in their series, lifeless,
what season is this?
high-definition nations with bright smiles,
and dull eyes, blind eyes,
a disease in disguise.
focus: i wrote this in the shower.
Jess :]
Sunday, December 18, 2011
pre-existing song titles of yore
[three hundred, forty-nine]
I got fake nails today, they hurt like hell to type but they are so pretty. I want them to not hurt anymore. I've had the best day, of just neverending luahgter and goodness. I feel like I need to do some yoga to finish it all off, but I may put it off until the morning because I am so wiped and the next couple of days aren't going to help at all.
I knit an entire scarf tonight. Win.
Tomorrow is my first family christmas of the year and it is also the first time a boyfriend will ever be with my family at christmas. I want to go now, and share this with him, because this is important to me. I can't wait to see my family, and hug them and tell them I love them. I don't tell everyone that I love them enough, so that's something I am going to change this year.
My new New Year's Resolutions are to tell everyone whom I love that I love them more often, to do yoga on a regular basis, to write properly mnore often, and to be comfortable in my own skin. Not big orders, but the little things that I know I need. I hope everyone has resolutions as attainable and beneficial this year!
My nails hurt, I'm going to go watch a movie and sleep. This seems to be the latest thing I do, watch movies and sleep...like I always do. Just a different way less comfortable bed is the setting.
And I'm more tired, relaxed and happy.
love,
Jess \:]
I got fake nails today, they hurt like hell to type but they are so pretty. I want them to not hurt anymore. I've had the best day, of just neverending luahgter and goodness. I feel like I need to do some yoga to finish it all off, but I may put it off until the morning because I am so wiped and the next couple of days aren't going to help at all.
I knit an entire scarf tonight. Win.
Tomorrow is my first family christmas of the year and it is also the first time a boyfriend will ever be with my family at christmas. I want to go now, and share this with him, because this is important to me. I can't wait to see my family, and hug them and tell them I love them. I don't tell everyone that I love them enough, so that's something I am going to change this year.
My new New Year's Resolutions are to tell everyone whom I love that I love them more often, to do yoga on a regular basis, to write properly mnore often, and to be comfortable in my own skin. Not big orders, but the little things that I know I need. I hope everyone has resolutions as attainable and beneficial this year!
My nails hurt, I'm going to go watch a movie and sleep. This seems to be the latest thing I do, watch movies and sleep...like I always do. Just a different way less comfortable bed is the setting.
And I'm more tired, relaxed and happy.
love,
Jess \:]
Friday, December 16, 2011
waits for you
[three hundred, forty-eight]
If there is no snow for Christmas I will be thoroughly disappointed. Next Wednesday I am going to have an insane amount of blog writing to do, as I will be pre-writing for the end of the project and catching up since I will be away for a couple of days. What a silly time to end this thing, I am really going to miss it.
Picnics are such peculiar things. We spend our lives spending money on furniture to disregard it and eat outside on the grass. I think that the problem with our society is there is too much emphasis on the materials and not enough on the experience, but that's obvious observations.
What isn't obvious is the peculiarity that picnics are. If you see someone in the park in the pouring rain having a picnic, they're deemed weird. Understandable, it's wet and cold go inside you idiot. But what if they just like they're meals wet? Let the crackheads have their crack. Who is anyone to tell anyone else what to do with their life?
Mad.
The world is mad, and the world is beautiful, and the world is simple and long and circular and transparent. The world is blue, or turqoise I guess. the world is small. The world needs more love in it, a love-infuser, that's sort of cute. For Christmas I'm going to get the world a love-infuser, or well enrich the ones that I love with more love, and that'll be enough difference for me.
Take care,
Jess :]
If there is no snow for Christmas I will be thoroughly disappointed. Next Wednesday I am going to have an insane amount of blog writing to do, as I will be pre-writing for the end of the project and catching up since I will be away for a couple of days. What a silly time to end this thing, I am really going to miss it.
Picnics are such peculiar things. We spend our lives spending money on furniture to disregard it and eat outside on the grass. I think that the problem with our society is there is too much emphasis on the materials and not enough on the experience, but that's obvious observations.
What isn't obvious is the peculiarity that picnics are. If you see someone in the park in the pouring rain having a picnic, they're deemed weird. Understandable, it's wet and cold go inside you idiot. But what if they just like they're meals wet? Let the crackheads have their crack. Who is anyone to tell anyone else what to do with their life?
Mad.
The world is mad, and the world is beautiful, and the world is simple and long and circular and transparent. The world is blue, or turqoise I guess. the world is small. The world needs more love in it, a love-infuser, that's sort of cute. For Christmas I'm going to get the world a love-infuser, or well enrich the ones that I love with more love, and that'll be enough difference for me.
Take care,
Jess :]
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
alright now i'm back
[three hundred, forty-seven]
I arrived home today, carried and piled all of my things in my room, went out for lunch with my parents, went shopping with my mom, hung out with my siblings, watched my brother skate, wrapped christmas presents with my sister, partially cleaned my room, found a blanket and now I'm in bed. It's been a relatively busy moving in/out day for the holidays. I love being home.
It's raining, which isn't snowing, which is irritating. I think I've taken snow for granted over the past nineteen years, and I miss it. Christmas isn't christmas without snow.
I seriously almost fell asleep on my computer, I'm typing this from bed so I took a little break from the awkward position and almost fell asleep. I don't think I ate enough today to compensate for all of the running around I did, I'll have to be better for the next couple of days because it's going to be insanely busy.
Bit that's the holidays. People don't take the time for a cup of tea or a breather and just keep going, while on their way to running out of steam. If anything this is the time to destress, but it always seems the most stressful. Why take for granted this beautiful, joyous time of the year? Taking things for granted is overrated, I'd rather enjoy life.
So take a second this season to just breathe, and smile, and witness the love that happens this time of year. It's everywhere.. City sidewalks, busy sidewalks... I am so excited for the next two weeks it's incredible. why is excitement so profound to me? It's that one emotion that makes my heart skip a beat, skip two, and then finally I can fit perfectly into the puzzle that everyone fits into, the buzz, the sanity, the clicking that everyone feels when they feel like they understand their purpose to be here. I've given so many hugs today it's ridiculous.
I wish I still had the capability to write things that made me feel good about writing, maybe tomorrow
love,
Jses :]
I arrived home today, carried and piled all of my things in my room, went out for lunch with my parents, went shopping with my mom, hung out with my siblings, watched my brother skate, wrapped christmas presents with my sister, partially cleaned my room, found a blanket and now I'm in bed. It's been a relatively busy moving in/out day for the holidays. I love being home.
It's raining, which isn't snowing, which is irritating. I think I've taken snow for granted over the past nineteen years, and I miss it. Christmas isn't christmas without snow.
I seriously almost fell asleep on my computer, I'm typing this from bed so I took a little break from the awkward position and almost fell asleep. I don't think I ate enough today to compensate for all of the running around I did, I'll have to be better for the next couple of days because it's going to be insanely busy.
Bit that's the holidays. People don't take the time for a cup of tea or a breather and just keep going, while on their way to running out of steam. If anything this is the time to destress, but it always seems the most stressful. Why take for granted this beautiful, joyous time of the year? Taking things for granted is overrated, I'd rather enjoy life.
So take a second this season to just breathe, and smile, and witness the love that happens this time of year. It's everywhere.. City sidewalks, busy sidewalks... I am so excited for the next two weeks it's incredible. why is excitement so profound to me? It's that one emotion that makes my heart skip a beat, skip two, and then finally I can fit perfectly into the puzzle that everyone fits into, the buzz, the sanity, the clicking that everyone feels when they feel like they understand their purpose to be here. I've given so many hugs today it's ridiculous.
I wish I still had the capability to write things that made me feel good about writing, maybe tomorrow
love,
Jses :]
a quickie
[three hundred, forty-six]
I finished exams today, I get to go home in the morning. I don't have much to say, other than I am happy and am just ready to go home and relax and not have to worry about packing or cleaning or anything just snuiggling with my family and christmas. I want to be home now, please and thankyou.
love
Jess :]
I finished exams today, I get to go home in the morning. I don't have much to say, other than I am happy and am just ready to go home and relax and not have to worry about packing or cleaning or anything just snuiggling with my family and christmas. I want to be home now, please and thankyou.
love
Jess :]
Monday, December 12, 2011
i hope you're not lonely, without me
[three hundred, forty-five]
Twenty days left. I am going to be so lost. On the other hand, I feel like I just have more motivation to continue writing for me after this. I need to be better, I need to, and I'm going to. I hardly do anything without trying and giving it my all, but I'm going to have to find some more all in the back corners of my perserverance (is that how you spell that? you get it). I wish it was the break now, two exams in twelve hours should be interesting, atleast I can sleep between them.
Then I'm dancing for two hours straight, just in celebration and that I made it through. This was my first semester with a full courseload, and it clearly showed how shit I am at handling everything. this holiday I'm reading resources and continuing to write academic papers, because if I stop I won't get through. I know this, and I'm just going to get better, there's only up from here. I sound like Shania Twain.
I should be studying a little bit right now, but it's so hard to study for something that is so subjective. Why am I in english? Why am I collectively questioning everything latgely? I am having an individual period of enlightenment that has struck onto my being like lazer tag, pinned me down, and now I'm here. Questioning why I do the things I do, why haven't i brushed my teeth yet? Because Eddie Vedder came on and I needed to write.
I am going to turn on my final friends dvd and read over my children's literature notes. I haven't been doing so hot in that class, as my other english classes also reflect that I feel like I can do so much better. I'm realising the kind of person I want to be, and how to get there. I am reworking my mindset so that I am going to be okay. I love jazz.
So have a wonderful day, my next post will be an insane blurb about how happy I am to be on holiday. I get about a month off for chritmas (yeah d, it's appropriate) and I can read books again and catch up on tv, and be with the people I love.
Take care, and good luck!
Jess :]
Twenty days left. I am going to be so lost. On the other hand, I feel like I just have more motivation to continue writing for me after this. I need to be better, I need to, and I'm going to. I hardly do anything without trying and giving it my all, but I'm going to have to find some more all in the back corners of my perserverance (is that how you spell that? you get it). I wish it was the break now, two exams in twelve hours should be interesting, atleast I can sleep between them.
Then I'm dancing for two hours straight, just in celebration and that I made it through. This was my first semester with a full courseload, and it clearly showed how shit I am at handling everything. this holiday I'm reading resources and continuing to write academic papers, because if I stop I won't get through. I know this, and I'm just going to get better, there's only up from here. I sound like Shania Twain.
I should be studying a little bit right now, but it's so hard to study for something that is so subjective. Why am I in english? Why am I collectively questioning everything latgely? I am having an individual period of enlightenment that has struck onto my being like lazer tag, pinned me down, and now I'm here. Questioning why I do the things I do, why haven't i brushed my teeth yet? Because Eddie Vedder came on and I needed to write.
I am going to turn on my final friends dvd and read over my children's literature notes. I haven't been doing so hot in that class, as my other english classes also reflect that I feel like I can do so much better. I'm realising the kind of person I want to be, and how to get there. I am reworking my mindset so that I am going to be okay. I love jazz.
So have a wonderful day, my next post will be an insane blurb about how happy I am to be on holiday. I get about a month off for chritmas (yeah d, it's appropriate) and I can read books again and catch up on tv, and be with the people I love.
Take care, and good luck!
Jess :]
Sunday, December 11, 2011
snickersbars
[three hundred, forty-four]
frost covered grass, I'm missing my White Christmases,
my Snow that ain't so neat and tidy,
chopped down trees, plastic, of course,
environmentally friendly Christmas for us,
and it's a tall tree, spiked,
it doesn't smell like Christmas today, just Febreeze,
and the cold air,
and...stress.
Focus: Can I finish these damn exams yet?
I have one tomorrow evening and one Tuesday morning, so, Tuesday's blog will be fantabulous. Boy, am I excited. I would quite enjoy a hot tea right now.. Maybe I'll write one, or hug somebody. Anyone need a hug?
Hug your knees for me, I'll be there soon.
I'm on my way,
Jess :]
frost covered grass, I'm missing my White Christmases,
my Snow that ain't so neat and tidy,
chopped down trees, plastic, of course,
environmentally friendly Christmas for us,
and it's a tall tree, spiked,
it doesn't smell like Christmas today, just Febreeze,
and the cold air,
and...stress.
Focus: Can I finish these damn exams yet?
I have one tomorrow evening and one Tuesday morning, so, Tuesday's blog will be fantabulous. Boy, am I excited. I would quite enjoy a hot tea right now.. Maybe I'll write one, or hug somebody. Anyone need a hug?
Hug your knees for me, I'll be there soon.
I'm on my way,
Jess :]
Saturday, December 10, 2011
beached whale
[three hundred, forty-three]
I don't care about the physicality of my friends. I don't care if they're stick thin (unless...scarilly thin) or if there's more to love, to be perfectly honest (ha-ha) I don't even notice. If you are a caring, loving, hilarious person there is no point. My best friend and I have never really talked about body image or how we feel about it (with a few exceptions, minor of course) but we've never had any conflict no nothing about how we see eachother. We just love one another for who we have been over the last twelve years.
I love life, I love eating desserts and chips with my boyfriend at three in the morning, and drinking hot chocolates and laying around all day. I love yoga, and peppers, and tofu and hummus but I also love steak and mashed potatoes and apple pie. Gramma's brownies that are a little overcooked with the weird chocolate icing. I am making a decision, right this very typed moment.
I am making the decision to enjoy life. If I feel like I need to, go work out for a bit, I'll be consistant, I'm doing yoga next semester, but if I want to I'm going to have a real coke or macdonalds, whatever. It's my life, I put good things into it (peehehehehehehe) on a daily basis, if once in a while I want to live life like it's ending tomorrow, I'm allowed to.
Given the circumstances of the past five years, I love everybody because of their support and their kindness and their love for me, and that means more to me than a number on a scale, or a size on clothing. I'd rather be fat and happy than sad and skinny. If my goal in life is to achieve happiness for me and the ones around me then I am going to need a helluva lot of cupcakes, and they will be decorated with icing and delicious.
I'll eat the damn cake if I want to, thanks.
I needed this today I think, I haven't been feeling well a little sick of something, I've been feeling dizzy and disoriented. I think I need more water. Exams have thrown me off of my eating and drinking properly. I don't get hungry and I just forget about drinking anything sometimes. I need a reminder written on my hand or something, GIVE BODY FUEL. It needs fuel, you know, to do all the great things that are in store.
I love the sound of my keyboard when I type fast and it makes all those clunking thing noises and I can just listen and type whatever and know that things are happening... I need a new computer.
So I hope everyone has a lovely Saturday evening, I am having a great one cleaning and wrapping christmas presents, taking a break from studying (sort of, I've looked through my chlldren's literature authors a couple of times, re-organising my thoughts away from theatre/postcolonial and focusing on children's lit and theatre tech, bleck). Only THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL I CAN RELAX. FOUR UNTIL I GO HOME, AND SEVEN UNTIL I SEE MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN. THEN THERE'S FOURTEEN UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Am I the only person in the world who counts down to christmas eve? Why is christmas only one day? WHAT?!
Anyways, take care!
Jess :]
I don't care about the physicality of my friends. I don't care if they're stick thin (unless...scarilly thin) or if there's more to love, to be perfectly honest (ha-ha) I don't even notice. If you are a caring, loving, hilarious person there is no point. My best friend and I have never really talked about body image or how we feel about it (with a few exceptions, minor of course) but we've never had any conflict no nothing about how we see eachother. We just love one another for who we have been over the last twelve years.
I love life, I love eating desserts and chips with my boyfriend at three in the morning, and drinking hot chocolates and laying around all day. I love yoga, and peppers, and tofu and hummus but I also love steak and mashed potatoes and apple pie. Gramma's brownies that are a little overcooked with the weird chocolate icing. I am making a decision, right this very typed moment.
I am making the decision to enjoy life. If I feel like I need to, go work out for a bit, I'll be consistant, I'm doing yoga next semester, but if I want to I'm going to have a real coke or macdonalds, whatever. It's my life, I put good things into it (peehehehehehehe) on a daily basis, if once in a while I want to live life like it's ending tomorrow, I'm allowed to.
Given the circumstances of the past five years, I love everybody because of their support and their kindness and their love for me, and that means more to me than a number on a scale, or a size on clothing. I'd rather be fat and happy than sad and skinny. If my goal in life is to achieve happiness for me and the ones around me then I am going to need a helluva lot of cupcakes, and they will be decorated with icing and delicious.
I'll eat the damn cake if I want to, thanks.
I needed this today I think, I haven't been feeling well a little sick of something, I've been feeling dizzy and disoriented. I think I need more water. Exams have thrown me off of my eating and drinking properly. I don't get hungry and I just forget about drinking anything sometimes. I need a reminder written on my hand or something, GIVE BODY FUEL. It needs fuel, you know, to do all the great things that are in store.
I love the sound of my keyboard when I type fast and it makes all those clunking thing noises and I can just listen and type whatever and know that things are happening... I need a new computer.
So I hope everyone has a lovely Saturday evening, I am having a great one cleaning and wrapping christmas presents, taking a break from studying (sort of, I've looked through my chlldren's literature authors a couple of times, re-organising my thoughts away from theatre/postcolonial and focusing on children's lit and theatre tech, bleck). Only THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL I CAN RELAX. FOUR UNTIL I GO HOME, AND SEVEN UNTIL I SEE MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN. THEN THERE'S FOURTEEN UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Am I the only person in the world who counts down to christmas eve? Why is christmas only one day? WHAT?!
Anyways, take care!
Jess :]
Friday, December 9, 2011
he digs me,
[three hundred, forty-two]
I pledge to work my ass off next semester (not like I have been already or anything) but just a lot more apparently. I'm going to read and write all Christmas break (or read, for some of it) and I am going to make it, and be proud of the things I do, and not worry about what other people have done and are doing. I'm going to be positive and smart and funny and pretty and do yoga and dirnk tea.
I am not going to worry about the way I look, and even though I will I am going to pretend like I'm not, and love who I am, because I am me and I am okay with that.
Tomorrow is my second exam and I am nervous but I feel like I'm ready, I am going to take my time and actually take it since I always have enough time but I rush because I am nervous. I will not do this tomorrow because it is important that I take my time. I can do this.
Breathe,
I can do this. Stan kicks the ball. The ball rolls towards Stan. Stan picks up the ball. The ball is heavy in Stan's hands. Stan feels that the ball is heavy in his hands. Stan throws the ball. The ball rolls away from Stan.
I can do this, I can do this. Why am I such a mundane twit? Purse needs to be packed, shower, dance do yoga eat something water water sleep, alarm, alarm is on sleep. I am prepared and breathing look I'm breathing.
What the hell am I doing, writing a play? Reality theatre get out of my head, I want to read the book on theatre of the extreme that I picked up today, and then tomorrow I am going to spend a half hour looking for a new play and a mythology poetry book that I am bringing home for Christmas break. Those, my writing handbook and my new poetry books. And Vogue, quality reading, I want my picturebooks by my side.
Breathe,
tomorrow is just like any other day, any other eight thirty day stay awake don't get headache breathe breathe and just, do it. Get er done. Get shit done. Do this.
I have to because I love the way things are sometimes but tomorrow should be good this time tomorrow I'll be scheduling studying for Sunday and then drinking hot chocolate in my jammies, or dancing, probably both? Probably.
I'm a jammie dancer, and a qualified jumping-onthe-bed....er.
TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK,
JESS :]
I pledge to work my ass off next semester (not like I have been already or anything) but just a lot more apparently. I'm going to read and write all Christmas break (or read, for some of it) and I am going to make it, and be proud of the things I do, and not worry about what other people have done and are doing. I'm going to be positive and smart and funny and pretty and do yoga and dirnk tea.
I am not going to worry about the way I look, and even though I will I am going to pretend like I'm not, and love who I am, because I am me and I am okay with that.
Tomorrow is my second exam and I am nervous but I feel like I'm ready, I am going to take my time and actually take it since I always have enough time but I rush because I am nervous. I will not do this tomorrow because it is important that I take my time. I can do this.
Breathe,
I can do this. Stan kicks the ball. The ball rolls towards Stan. Stan picks up the ball. The ball is heavy in Stan's hands. Stan feels that the ball is heavy in his hands. Stan throws the ball. The ball rolls away from Stan.
I can do this, I can do this. Why am I such a mundane twit? Purse needs to be packed, shower, dance do yoga eat something water water sleep, alarm, alarm is on sleep. I am prepared and breathing look I'm breathing.
What the hell am I doing, writing a play? Reality theatre get out of my head, I want to read the book on theatre of the extreme that I picked up today, and then tomorrow I am going to spend a half hour looking for a new play and a mythology poetry book that I am bringing home for Christmas break. Those, my writing handbook and my new poetry books. And Vogue, quality reading, I want my picturebooks by my side.
Breathe,
tomorrow is just like any other day, any other eight thirty day stay awake don't get headache breathe breathe and just, do it. Get er done. Get shit done. Do this.
I have to because I love the way things are sometimes but tomorrow should be good this time tomorrow I'll be scheduling studying for Sunday and then drinking hot chocolate in my jammies, or dancing, probably both? Probably.
I'm a jammie dancer, and a qualified jumping-onthe-bed....er.
TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK,
JESS :]
Thursday, December 8, 2011
[THREE HUNDRED, FORTY ONE]
Oh no, caps lock was on. I always have caps lock on sometimes it is just a comfort. I missed a comma in that last sentence. I am going insane.
I spent five minutes eating cake icing today, and then another five filling up my already full water bottle. I want to make lists and lists of things I want to do but probably will never get to. I don't want to study these things anymore, I want to sleep and write, sleep and write, sleep, exam, write, sleep, exam, write. I want to write poetry that means something to me, but anything that comes to my head
the finality in punctuation is
only, well, it only a stroke long,
a breath, right? in theatre we breathe,
after,
comma's.
And the break comes in, where we would like to breathe, but we look at those
breaths, and laugh.
I don't write poetry for anyone else, I don't write anything for anyone else. This blog has been for me from the beginning, so has my tumblr, and I feel like pretentious people like to write things that other people will reblog, or retweet, or talk about. I write/reblog/tweet things that are meaningful for me for me. Social media is overrated in the sharing aspect of it all.
Then what's the point?
I'm studying for a historical theatre exam right now, and we read an essay on a lady named Curzon who wrote a play about Laura Secord being so entrenched in patriarchal ideologies that although amongst the cultural chaos of our society she seems like a hard ass feminist, but in reality Curzon (and Derkson, who wrote the essay) are arguing that although Sexord was being subversive, she was still manifested within her male-oriented society. So, Curzon wrote this closet drama play, this poetic device of verses that is a play but is not intended to ever be performed, only critiqued and read. What is the point?
Derksen argues that it isn't worth being critiqued. What is the point then? what does it do for our identity as a national theatre in Canada if it does nothing for us? I have a feeling I may be asked this or something along these lines tomorrow morning in my exam, and to be honest, I don't know the correct answer.
Why write things so they will not be shared?
My answer is that it is more meaningful to my peace of mind than to anyone elses. It allows me to expand my acknowledgement of vibrance and love and thinking. I think Curzon wrote it to be subversive. Laura Seord the character takes on the active male roles that would have been given to her husband if he were able to perform them, and just does her duty in a domestic state. She does not do it for the nation, for her marginalized skin colour, she did it because she had to. It takes a real woman to step up and do what is expected of her regardless of the overtones imprisoning her. Canada sees her as a symbol for light within the terms and war she was involved in, when really she just did her job.
So what's so important about her then? She was a woman, sure, but she wasn't recognised as such within the context. The entire content of this course has been how history is written in hindsight; looking back world war two is world war two because the first great war is recognised as world war one. Otherwise, we wouldn't have anythning to go off of. So in hindsight, Laura Secord was pinacle and a catalyst (for some) for the feminist movement, therefore becoming an obviuos point for a playwright like Curzon to shape a feminist policy narrative play about. During the time that she actually did the acts, however, it was no less subversive than a coffee carista running the cash register because the cash guy went on a smoke break.
I can't remember what I was talking about, I just formed this blog into studying for my exam tomorrow. So really welcome to my head for the past couple of days. Except rambling on postcolonial bullshit tomorrow, children's literature sunday and technical theatre on monday. Maybe saturday you'll get a break from my insanity.
I doubt it, somehow.
I've been trying to keep a relatively stable morale. I don't usually get too stresed out nuless it's an exam that I don't know what to expect. The exams this year have had reviews and all of that kind of thing so I don't feel unprepared, just nervous. I want to curl up in my bed and drink hot chocolate and watch friends with my sissy, and giggle until we fall asleep. I want to go home, terribly. I want to just get away from the stress for a bit, until I come back in January and are thrown back into it. I am going to miss this blog, and rambling.
Take care,
Jess :[
Oh no, caps lock was on. I always have caps lock on sometimes it is just a comfort. I missed a comma in that last sentence. I am going insane.
I spent five minutes eating cake icing today, and then another five filling up my already full water bottle. I want to make lists and lists of things I want to do but probably will never get to. I don't want to study these things anymore, I want to sleep and write, sleep and write, sleep, exam, write, sleep, exam, write. I want to write poetry that means something to me, but anything that comes to my head
the finality in punctuation is
only, well, it only a stroke long,
a breath, right? in theatre we breathe,
after,
comma's.
And the break comes in, where we would like to breathe, but we look at those
breaths, and laugh.
I don't write poetry for anyone else, I don't write anything for anyone else. This blog has been for me from the beginning, so has my tumblr, and I feel like pretentious people like to write things that other people will reblog, or retweet, or talk about. I write/reblog/tweet things that are meaningful for me for me. Social media is overrated in the sharing aspect of it all.
Then what's the point?
I'm studying for a historical theatre exam right now, and we read an essay on a lady named Curzon who wrote a play about Laura Secord being so entrenched in patriarchal ideologies that although amongst the cultural chaos of our society she seems like a hard ass feminist, but in reality Curzon (and Derkson, who wrote the essay) are arguing that although Sexord was being subversive, she was still manifested within her male-oriented society. So, Curzon wrote this closet drama play, this poetic device of verses that is a play but is not intended to ever be performed, only critiqued and read. What is the point?
Derksen argues that it isn't worth being critiqued. What is the point then? what does it do for our identity as a national theatre in Canada if it does nothing for us? I have a feeling I may be asked this or something along these lines tomorrow morning in my exam, and to be honest, I don't know the correct answer.
Why write things so they will not be shared?
My answer is that it is more meaningful to my peace of mind than to anyone elses. It allows me to expand my acknowledgement of vibrance and love and thinking. I think Curzon wrote it to be subversive. Laura Seord the character takes on the active male roles that would have been given to her husband if he were able to perform them, and just does her duty in a domestic state. She does not do it for the nation, for her marginalized skin colour, she did it because she had to. It takes a real woman to step up and do what is expected of her regardless of the overtones imprisoning her. Canada sees her as a symbol for light within the terms and war she was involved in, when really she just did her job.
So what's so important about her then? She was a woman, sure, but she wasn't recognised as such within the context. The entire content of this course has been how history is written in hindsight; looking back world war two is world war two because the first great war is recognised as world war one. Otherwise, we wouldn't have anythning to go off of. So in hindsight, Laura Secord was pinacle and a catalyst (for some) for the feminist movement, therefore becoming an obviuos point for a playwright like Curzon to shape a feminist policy narrative play about. During the time that she actually did the acts, however, it was no less subversive than a coffee carista running the cash register because the cash guy went on a smoke break.
I can't remember what I was talking about, I just formed this blog into studying for my exam tomorrow. So really welcome to my head for the past couple of days. Except rambling on postcolonial bullshit tomorrow, children's literature sunday and technical theatre on monday. Maybe saturday you'll get a break from my insanity.
I doubt it, somehow.
I've been trying to keep a relatively stable morale. I don't usually get too stresed out nuless it's an exam that I don't know what to expect. The exams this year have had reviews and all of that kind of thing so I don't feel unprepared, just nervous. I want to curl up in my bed and drink hot chocolate and watch friends with my sissy, and giggle until we fall asleep. I want to go home, terribly. I want to just get away from the stress for a bit, until I come back in January and are thrown back into it. I am going to miss this blog, and rambling.
Take care,
Jess :[
bring me back, follow me through, i'll hold your hand too
[three hundred, forty]
I'm almost done. I say that for a couple of things, exams, this blog, being a teenager, all of these things are coming to an end. I hate goodbyes, I hate finishing things because then I am just lost on what I'm supposed to be doing next. I'm going to be twenty in just over a month, I won't know what to think of that until it catches up with me. I'm actually an old person now.
I'm naive and I am okay with that.
I want birds, or a pet that isn't just a singular fish. I think it would be nice to have a dog that I could cuddle up with and love, something that I could devote my attention to. I've been a little lonely lately, the fish isn't quite doing it for me, and my friends are here but everyone's busy and preoccupied with exams so it's like I'm just sitting here everynight alone. Alone in the clutches of the darkness and my blankie.
And my computer screen. Why do I start sentences with and? I think that I need some sort of constructive common hobby that isn't technology based. My blog, tumblr, texting, everything seems to be counterproductive to the fact that I'd like to increase my capabilities as opposed to enhancing the ones that I am relatively okay at.
I like knitting, so I'm working on that one sometimes. But I need something new, something devotional and beautiful and fun. Something I can really sink my teeth into. I am in need of something extremely new, fresh. I need something that I am going to want to take a break to do, instead of just having to do it.
I am beginning to accept the fact that this blog will be over soon, and I am going to miss it. I am going to miss my stupid random ramblings, the fact that it really isn't a real blog since there isn't a common theme or anything excting or interesting. These have been for me, my little mind splatters for me to read over and get confused by.
Here is a poem that I wrote in five seconds yesterday:
it's a soft tone, really
that speaks to us, squeeks in the cracks,
the hot plate of life sizzles underneath us all,
and we teach eachother most of what we know,
sometimes you just need a little sun-dried emphasis on
you, a little baked-thin breeze for a breath of fresh air,
and a little time taken for titters of laughter,
all in the midst of a hot dark night.
sometimes I really like my work, other times I don't. This is a time where I did love what I wrote.
Love always,
Jess :]
I'm almost done. I say that for a couple of things, exams, this blog, being a teenager, all of these things are coming to an end. I hate goodbyes, I hate finishing things because then I am just lost on what I'm supposed to be doing next. I'm going to be twenty in just over a month, I won't know what to think of that until it catches up with me. I'm actually an old person now.
I'm naive and I am okay with that.
I want birds, or a pet that isn't just a singular fish. I think it would be nice to have a dog that I could cuddle up with and love, something that I could devote my attention to. I've been a little lonely lately, the fish isn't quite doing it for me, and my friends are here but everyone's busy and preoccupied with exams so it's like I'm just sitting here everynight alone. Alone in the clutches of the darkness and my blankie.
And my computer screen. Why do I start sentences with and? I think that I need some sort of constructive common hobby that isn't technology based. My blog, tumblr, texting, everything seems to be counterproductive to the fact that I'd like to increase my capabilities as opposed to enhancing the ones that I am relatively okay at.
I like knitting, so I'm working on that one sometimes. But I need something new, something devotional and beautiful and fun. Something I can really sink my teeth into. I am in need of something extremely new, fresh. I need something that I am going to want to take a break to do, instead of just having to do it.
I am beginning to accept the fact that this blog will be over soon, and I am going to miss it. I am going to miss my stupid random ramblings, the fact that it really isn't a real blog since there isn't a common theme or anything excting or interesting. These have been for me, my little mind splatters for me to read over and get confused by.
Here is a poem that I wrote in five seconds yesterday:
it's a soft tone, really
that speaks to us, squeeks in the cracks,
the hot plate of life sizzles underneath us all,
and we teach eachother most of what we know,
sometimes you just need a little sun-dried emphasis on
you, a little baked-thin breeze for a breath of fresh air,
and a little time taken for titters of laughter,
all in the midst of a hot dark night.
sometimes I really like my work, other times I don't. This is a time where I did love what I wrote.
Love always,
Jess :]
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
watching to forget, thinking to forget
[three hundred, thirty-nine]
Sixteen days left? What?
triathalon of jumping jacks sometimes are too much
to handle, too much to think about in one serving,
one mouth full of activity,
swelling with drink and ale and bumper sticker sickness,
and illness that infects everybody it pokes everybody,
everybody's jacks are jumped and hearts have beaten,
so they sit down with their knife and fork and spoons,
their patriarchal heads of tables,
heads on backward staring, seeking aquaintence,
acknowledgement in the other's eyes,
demanding atteniton craving the silence that isn't there,
their thirst for more, their working for a common goal,
the worker's together under civilization,
underground under the jacks and the jills,
the windowsills,
sometimes it takes a two four six eight kind of mind,
that single serving of switchboard memories,
to just take into account the feelings one gets when
they turn on
the television,
but turn it off,
during
dinner.
focus: I'm thinking some dinner politics here, but I certainly have no idea.
I think it is important to take into consideration the fact that not everybody in the world eats a sit down meal with their family every evening. It is customary in our family to have famjam dinners, so I am used to it. I am used to serving sizes being compared and the televsion being on most days, or Sundays with Nascar or other days with movies or the news, somedays just the radio so we can listen and cry and cheers ching chink, celebrations sometimes. And sometimes we don't talk at all, those are the weird days. It seems like everyday there is always something irking the family, something that is underneath, undergr the ground of our family features the hierarchy of the heads of the tables the parentals the patriarchal battles, the pants in the family, the physical activity the exhaustion... Everything, except for creativity is allowed at our dinner table, sometimes. I think it isn't fair when he has his spoon on his nose, he should be able to express his laughter and stories any way he wants.
Have a good dinner, tonight, and appreciate the conversation. Regardless if it's with yourself or anyone, that is a simple joy in life that we take for granted.
cheers,
Jess :[
Sixteen days left? What?
triathalon of jumping jacks sometimes are too much
to handle, too much to think about in one serving,
one mouth full of activity,
swelling with drink and ale and bumper sticker sickness,
and illness that infects everybody it pokes everybody,
everybody's jacks are jumped and hearts have beaten,
so they sit down with their knife and fork and spoons,
their patriarchal heads of tables,
heads on backward staring, seeking aquaintence,
acknowledgement in the other's eyes,
demanding atteniton craving the silence that isn't there,
their thirst for more, their working for a common goal,
the worker's together under civilization,
underground under the jacks and the jills,
the windowsills,
sometimes it takes a two four six eight kind of mind,
that single serving of switchboard memories,
to just take into account the feelings one gets when
they turn on
the television,
but turn it off,
during
dinner.
focus: I'm thinking some dinner politics here, but I certainly have no idea.
I think it is important to take into consideration the fact that not everybody in the world eats a sit down meal with their family every evening. It is customary in our family to have famjam dinners, so I am used to it. I am used to serving sizes being compared and the televsion being on most days, or Sundays with Nascar or other days with movies or the news, somedays just the radio so we can listen and cry and cheers ching chink, celebrations sometimes. And sometimes we don't talk at all, those are the weird days. It seems like everyday there is always something irking the family, something that is underneath, undergr the ground of our family features the hierarchy of the heads of the tables the parentals the patriarchal battles, the pants in the family, the physical activity the exhaustion... Everything, except for creativity is allowed at our dinner table, sometimes. I think it isn't fair when he has his spoon on his nose, he should be able to express his laughter and stories any way he wants.
Have a good dinner, tonight, and appreciate the conversation. Regardless if it's with yourself or anyone, that is a simple joy in life that we take for granted.
cheers,
Jess :[
it's so funny that, when we, just, that
[three hundred, thirty-eight]
I don't feel like talking a lot tonight. I'm tired, my eyes are starting to really hurt, and I have an even longer studying day on campus tomorrow... It was snowing today, so that's nice, I feel like if it doesn't stick to the ground soon I'm going to flip out. this week is hard enough without snow, my mentality and morale is low, I need some kind of pick-me-up. But studying seems to be going well lately, which makes me feel nice. I hate it when I try to sleep and people are loud. I think that if anyone out there is studying this week they should make nonstop hot chocolates, it's the best way to get through...seriously. I think that the chocolate puts a little pep into an otherwise dreary day. I like it when people smile, smiling's my favourite. I miss my family and my small bed at home and my room, and my christmas tree and watching christmas specials with my family. Ten days until I go home.
This blog is almost done....... I don't know what I'm going to do without it. What will it do without me?
Percellate, probably, steep itself, and then be drank, or dry up before someone gets there.
If anything, I hope you continue to read blogs, not mine or this one obviously... I'm thinking about starting an entirely new one for next year, one that isn't as stringent, but allows me to be creative and rant and write poetry. I love this blog, so much, it has allowed me to expand a lot over the past year. I have fallen back in love with writing, just for me.
And me only.
love,
Jess :]
I don't feel like talking a lot tonight. I'm tired, my eyes are starting to really hurt, and I have an even longer studying day on campus tomorrow... It was snowing today, so that's nice, I feel like if it doesn't stick to the ground soon I'm going to flip out. this week is hard enough without snow, my mentality and morale is low, I need some kind of pick-me-up. But studying seems to be going well lately, which makes me feel nice. I hate it when I try to sleep and people are loud. I think that if anyone out there is studying this week they should make nonstop hot chocolates, it's the best way to get through...seriously. I think that the chocolate puts a little pep into an otherwise dreary day. I like it when people smile, smiling's my favourite. I miss my family and my small bed at home and my room, and my christmas tree and watching christmas specials with my family. Ten days until I go home.
This blog is almost done....... I don't know what I'm going to do without it. What will it do without me?
Percellate, probably, steep itself, and then be drank, or dry up before someone gets there.
If anything, I hope you continue to read blogs, not mine or this one obviously... I'm thinking about starting an entirely new one for next year, one that isn't as stringent, but allows me to be creative and rant and write poetry. I love this blog, so much, it has allowed me to expand a lot over the past year. I have fallen back in love with writing, just for me.
And me only.
love,
Jess :]
Monday, December 5, 2011
its snowing
PTHREE HUNDRED, THIRTY-SEVEN]
wow that was in caps, but the message is clear! It is snowing outside, and I am stuck inside studying for an exam that I have to try to be confident about. I'm confident about nothing I just smile because if you look like you know what you're doing, it usually pulls off. Not in this class. Not ever in this class. I want to cry.
I think the thing that gets me the most is that I feel like I'm not smart because of it. I work so hard, I try my best, and still come up short. I feel like I actually can't get any better if I try my best, and I have been trying, and doing, the best that I can. I am trying desperately to improve...
For Saturday. the day from Hell.
I want to go to sleep, but I can't until I've finished and then calmed down. I don't sleep well during exams because my head doesn't stop, so I try to take measures to allow myself to slow down. It hasn't been working, and my exams don't start until friday. I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best.
Over and over, doing my best, the best, my, me, my best.
And yet, I am still falling short.
Jess
wow that was in caps, but the message is clear! It is snowing outside, and I am stuck inside studying for an exam that I have to try to be confident about. I'm confident about nothing I just smile because if you look like you know what you're doing, it usually pulls off. Not in this class. Not ever in this class. I want to cry.
I think the thing that gets me the most is that I feel like I'm not smart because of it. I work so hard, I try my best, and still come up short. I feel like I actually can't get any better if I try my best, and I have been trying, and doing, the best that I can. I am trying desperately to improve...
For Saturday. the day from Hell.
I want to go to sleep, but I can't until I've finished and then calmed down. I don't sleep well during exams because my head doesn't stop, so I try to take measures to allow myself to slow down. It hasn't been working, and my exams don't start until friday. I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best.
Over and over, doing my best, the best, my, me, my best.
And yet, I am still falling short.
Jess
Sunday, December 4, 2011
hunt down the deadliest hurts
[three hundred, thirty-six]
This is going to be short because I should be studying but I was having trouble finding articles online so now I'm writing this. I sort of have to pee, but I'm going to wait until I really have to. I have to eat the chocolate from my advent calendor, it is a constant adventure finding the correct chocolates to open, I really am a success story, you know.
My computer is really hot and I'm hoping that it doesn't overheat, so I'm thinking about turning it off. I wanted to talk a little bit about Christmas.
Just for a paragraph or two. I don't care about the materials, it's the experience and substance that matters to me. I'd rather spend the day spending nothing but time with someone, rather than pay for things or do things that may be meaningful, but are still just things. We all just have things. Things. They aren't eachother, they aren't what the symbolize, it's the thoughts and meanings we apply to these things that make them meaningful. Strip away the physical thing and you have the meaning. It's irritating when some people have nothing but things.. And hardly any meanings.
Christmas to me is not about things. It's about the smiles exchanged, and the laughter and the love that overpowers during this time of year. Grinches are alone for a reason, and that is because although they may be smart, independently driven people, they have no value for substance. Take a look at your christmas shopping list, and think of who will actually use or find meaning in what you're giving them. I know a couple people that I'm buying for that... Well, if I give them anything chances are they won't remember who gave it to them in a year or two.
How depressing is that? And I am culprit to this, since I don't remember sometimes who gave me what. But meaning is something I apply to the special things. I attribute a signifigant thought or memory to everything, therefore claiming to memory importance and love and substance... I don't do this for everything, but most things.
I challenge you this christmas to take the time to appreciate the effort put into things that happen along the holidays. Dinners, conversations, laughs, hugs, beverages, decorating. Everything that is not a "thing." but a "something meaningful." They're the best part, really.
Love,
Jess :]
This is going to be short because I should be studying but I was having trouble finding articles online so now I'm writing this. I sort of have to pee, but I'm going to wait until I really have to. I have to eat the chocolate from my advent calendor, it is a constant adventure finding the correct chocolates to open, I really am a success story, you know.
My computer is really hot and I'm hoping that it doesn't overheat, so I'm thinking about turning it off. I wanted to talk a little bit about Christmas.
Just for a paragraph or two. I don't care about the materials, it's the experience and substance that matters to me. I'd rather spend the day spending nothing but time with someone, rather than pay for things or do things that may be meaningful, but are still just things. We all just have things. Things. They aren't eachother, they aren't what the symbolize, it's the thoughts and meanings we apply to these things that make them meaningful. Strip away the physical thing and you have the meaning. It's irritating when some people have nothing but things.. And hardly any meanings.
Christmas to me is not about things. It's about the smiles exchanged, and the laughter and the love that overpowers during this time of year. Grinches are alone for a reason, and that is because although they may be smart, independently driven people, they have no value for substance. Take a look at your christmas shopping list, and think of who will actually use or find meaning in what you're giving them. I know a couple people that I'm buying for that... Well, if I give them anything chances are they won't remember who gave it to them in a year or two.
How depressing is that? And I am culprit to this, since I don't remember sometimes who gave me what. But meaning is something I apply to the special things. I attribute a signifigant thought or memory to everything, therefore claiming to memory importance and love and substance... I don't do this for everything, but most things.
I challenge you this christmas to take the time to appreciate the effort put into things that happen along the holidays. Dinners, conversations, laughs, hugs, beverages, decorating. Everything that is not a "thing." but a "something meaningful." They're the best part, really.
Love,
Jess :]
Saturday, December 3, 2011
le big mac'
[three hundred, thirty-five]
You know what's fantastic? The fact that everything in life sort of fits together, but at the same time distance and juissance take over and everything muddles and makes no sense. Why is everything so unsettling? I never feel competely safe. I think it's a part of my mentality that disregards the positivity I need in myself sometimes. I'm trying.
I wear socks because my feet get dry in the winter. It really hurts my feet, somedays I just feel like crying. Why is it unacceptable socially to cry? Why am I a crybaby because when I cry I cry for joy or sadness or pain, or for other people, or just because a time like this happens where I feel like I just need to.
I just need that release.
I'm listening to on my own from les mis, and I'm tired, and I'm trying to be positive and drink in the sunshine bs but I've seriously decided on trying to work my ass off to be better. It's going to be exhausting and I'll probably burn out, but what else can I do? I guess nothing.
I love him, but everyday I'm learning, that all my life, I've only been pretending, without me, his world will go on turning, a world that's full of happiness that I have never known.
I hope everyone is having a lovely evening, I made leaps and bounds with christmas presents today! Thinking about the end goal: Christmas holidays. I've got to get there.
love,
Jess :]
You know what's fantastic? The fact that everything in life sort of fits together, but at the same time distance and juissance take over and everything muddles and makes no sense. Why is everything so unsettling? I never feel competely safe. I think it's a part of my mentality that disregards the positivity I need in myself sometimes. I'm trying.
I wear socks because my feet get dry in the winter. It really hurts my feet, somedays I just feel like crying. Why is it unacceptable socially to cry? Why am I a crybaby because when I cry I cry for joy or sadness or pain, or for other people, or just because a time like this happens where I feel like I just need to.
I just need that release.
I'm listening to on my own from les mis, and I'm tired, and I'm trying to be positive and drink in the sunshine bs but I've seriously decided on trying to work my ass off to be better. It's going to be exhausting and I'll probably burn out, but what else can I do? I guess nothing.
I love him, but everyday I'm learning, that all my life, I've only been pretending, without me, his world will go on turning, a world that's full of happiness that I have never known.
I hope everyone is having a lovely evening, I made leaps and bounds with christmas presents today! Thinking about the end goal: Christmas holidays. I've got to get there.
love,
Jess :]
late
[three hundred, thirty-four]
Still need to write three posts today, man, oh man, man.
What's the difference of a disease?
One that drips down the back of your throat,
sticking to your insides and throttling your breaths,
Or something that sinks in, slips into your brain and
covers you whole.
What is it with things that we can't see,
and their ability to cast a shadow over our life,
maybe not a shadow, no,
but something more crippling, something unseen
unheard, but completely powerful,
something that we believe is true for science,
and medical research,
but documents and signatures are painful when it comes to
a body, a body full of life
being vacuumed of fluid and being,
so that the survival rates maintain,
and our world keeps believing in the unseen.
focus: i dunno, I'm sort of in the mood for poetry lately, I'm in the middle of mark twain's war prayer, and it's making me want to rhyme,......but....I can't, so, I just sort of write things down, this is obviously not finished, it is basically just thinking of connections. Most of what I write is never full thought, but fragments, because what is the finished product to anyone right now anyway?
love,
Jess :]
Still need to write three posts today, man, oh man, man.
What's the difference of a disease?
One that drips down the back of your throat,
sticking to your insides and throttling your breaths,
Or something that sinks in, slips into your brain and
covers you whole.
What is it with things that we can't see,
and their ability to cast a shadow over our life,
maybe not a shadow, no,
but something more crippling, something unseen
unheard, but completely powerful,
something that we believe is true for science,
and medical research,
but documents and signatures are painful when it comes to
a body, a body full of life
being vacuumed of fluid and being,
so that the survival rates maintain,
and our world keeps believing in the unseen.
focus: i dunno, I'm sort of in the mood for poetry lately, I'm in the middle of mark twain's war prayer, and it's making me want to rhyme,......but....I can't, so, I just sort of write things down, this is obviously not finished, it is basically just thinking of connections. Most of what I write is never full thought, but fragments, because what is the finished product to anyone right now anyway?
love,
Jess :]
Friday, December 2, 2011
so behind and no catching up
[three hundred, thirty-three]
This is the first out of three blogs that I need to catch up on, and I estimate that I'll get only one more done today, so I will DEFINITELY right two tomorrow. I always feel so bad when I'm behind on blogs, especially since there are no more classes. This means blogs will be my breaks from studying and therefore a good release. I don't know how creative they will be, but they will be here nonetheless.
Studying is about to be upon me, and I am nervous because I have a feeling that although it seems like I have a lot of time, I do not. I want to still have fun this weekend since classes are done, but I have four exams, and I am worried. Really worried. I think that it's best if I time manage my butt off for this weekend especially, to get everything ready that I need to in order to be successful in studying.
I have a bag full of library books behind me, and money in my pocket for brunch and dinner, and I am dressed and just need to brush my teeth really and then I'm off to campus for appointments. I have such a busy day, I wish that I had slept in a little longer, but what can ya do? I ate my advent calendor chocolates today, I've never been so excited that it's actually on a countodnw now. Christmas.
It's the best time of the year, you know, and I get to spend it with the incredible people that I love, and I am so excited. I am literally five presents away from being finished christmas shopping. The only presents left to do are ones that I have to make: three scarves and two different but special ones. I need to get going on those...
I had an epiphany today: I like the way I look. Weird, but I think I just want to be okay in my own skin, and that if this is how it's going to be, I'm going to love it, because I can't do much about it, and well, whoever I end up with and surround myself with is going to have to get used to me too, and love me for what I am. So here I am world, open for hugs.
Take care,
JEss :]
This is the first out of three blogs that I need to catch up on, and I estimate that I'll get only one more done today, so I will DEFINITELY right two tomorrow. I always feel so bad when I'm behind on blogs, especially since there are no more classes. This means blogs will be my breaks from studying and therefore a good release. I don't know how creative they will be, but they will be here nonetheless.
Studying is about to be upon me, and I am nervous because I have a feeling that although it seems like I have a lot of time, I do not. I want to still have fun this weekend since classes are done, but I have four exams, and I am worried. Really worried. I think that it's best if I time manage my butt off for this weekend especially, to get everything ready that I need to in order to be successful in studying.
I have a bag full of library books behind me, and money in my pocket for brunch and dinner, and I am dressed and just need to brush my teeth really and then I'm off to campus for appointments. I have such a busy day, I wish that I had slept in a little longer, but what can ya do? I ate my advent calendor chocolates today, I've never been so excited that it's actually on a countodnw now. Christmas.
It's the best time of the year, you know, and I get to spend it with the incredible people that I love, and I am so excited. I am literally five presents away from being finished christmas shopping. The only presents left to do are ones that I have to make: three scarves and two different but special ones. I need to get going on those...
I had an epiphany today: I like the way I look. Weird, but I think I just want to be okay in my own skin, and that if this is how it's going to be, I'm going to love it, because I can't do much about it, and well, whoever I end up with and surround myself with is going to have to get used to me too, and love me for what I am. So here I am world, open for hugs.
Take care,
JEss :]
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