truth

[three hundred, four]

my lower back is my weakness. I can't take my eyes off of you. I hate it when people touch my feet, not explicity because they are ticklish but because I hate my feet. I sing whenever I walk anywhere, but pretend not to. I love getting mail. I don't like youtube videos that aren't vlogs or comedy shows. My clocks are never set to the right time. I don't mind clutter. I'm shy. Smells are really sensitive to me, I don't know why. I can't find my ipod. I dislike female singers. I usually only fill up notebooks halfway, and then start a new one. I cry too much and easilly. Candy hurts my teeth, so does chocolate, I'd rather eat some sort of pastry. Apple tea is my favourite tea right now, mulled, cinammon, etc. I collect candles and rocks but do nothing with them. I still can't find my ipod. I regret giving up on dancing sometimes. I miss being a kid. I wanted to be a paleantologist until I was in third grade, then I wanted to be a marine biologist, then science got hard, I learned to love books, and then set my heart on something with literature. The first play I saw live was the Beauty and the Beast at the Princess of Wales theatre in Toronto, and I told my mom that I believed in magic when the Beast turned into the Beast at the beginning. I like to walk home by myself usually. I'd rather a hug than anything else in the world ie a kiss, holding hands, etc. My voice irritates me. I get embarrassed when people sing happy birthday to me. I believe in Santa Claus. Sometimes I sleep without clothes on. I like my room to be really cold. I can't see sometimes during movies (or in the car, or anywhere) but I act like I can so I'm not left out. I giggle at everything. Sometimes, if I'm having a bad day, all I need to do is shower and eat and I'll feel better. I crave adventure. When I grow up, I want to be happy.

love,

Jess :]

super things come in threes

[three hundred, three]

My best friend bought me a christmas sweater today, and I cried when I found it on my bed. I love surprises, and she made this day of the boy going back to school a lot easier. I've had such a good week spending time and cuddling and eating good food and watching movies and buying things with the boy, and I realised today the amazing people that I have in my life. I am so thankful for them.

I love being close to people. I love when people love eachother, and hug eachother, and trample eachohter on beds out of sheer love. I think that more people should do nice things for strangers, for people they hate, for professors, for people they love, for their dogs, everyone is not loving enough to themselves, either.

Love who you are, and if you don't I have enough love for the both of us.

I talk about love a lot, and I'm sorry, but it's a big motivator for my life. Why do anything if there isn't any love in it? So I put love into my everything. Have you seen the movie love, actually? It's amazing. I want to watch it right now... It's a christmas movie, set in england. If those aren't the two things that are most on my mind right now I don't know what else!

Oh, the boy. Him too, he's great. He bought me a christmas teddy bear. Man do the people around me know what I like.

Cutest people of life, a very good weekend surrounded by good people, I think it's time for snuggling into bed, before a busy week.

A loving and well deserved hug to you,

JEss :]

lost the rocket boots

[three hundred, two]

Holding warm mugs and cups is sort of a comforting reassurance for me. I buy so many tea's just so I can hold something warm. At work at the beach I used to hold my coworker's coffee's so that I could keep my hands warm. I love holding things that smell nummy and are warm, just because of the warmth. I hate coffee, but if you have it I'll take it. I'm a warm beverage pack mule, and proud of it.

I feel like time is moving too slow for any sort of relief lately. There isn't anything close enough that will relax the workd load that I stare at through my schedule everyday. I wish that I could atleast have one night of a break a week that wasn't a weekend, but that usually isn't the case, I'd feel too guilty.

But I am making a vow right now, probably going to think about a new resolution soon, but this is it for now: I am going to do what I. ME. Want to do. Not go to the gym because I need to prove anything to anyone. Not overload myself with work to show someone I'm good enough. Not take the "recommended" amount of classes just because everyone else is. I live my life for me now, I'm trying new things.

And I'm doing my best.

I want to just take care of myself. Balance. I am slowly learning balance. I don't need to be skinny to be happy, I'm perfectly happy right now, I just like to have some release somedays. But somedays it seems like too much, and I can't get down on myself for that. I talk about myself too much in these blogs, but I suppose that's what it is here for.

For me.

In a way this blog is helping me balance my life. I take a break from reading or writing to write a couple of these, and it is a super excuse. Everyone should have one, or atleast be productive with their own thoughts everyday.

Take care, cheers,

Jess :]

get on my back for a piggy back ride

[three hundred, one]

I just wanted to post this to catch up. I need a new mug for tea. My favourite one turned out to let me down, so, I need something nice and big and has a big handle, and maybe red. I'd like a red mug, I haven't had a red mug since eleventh grade. I think I could go for something smooth and warm, just so that I can feel good over christmas. Ah, Christmas...

Have I mentioned that I dislike Halloween? Am I the only person, the only theatre interested student, the only teenager who doesn't like Halloween? I don't like dressing up, I don't like the candy really, I feel awkward. The only good thing about Halloween? It opens the door that afterwords I'm allowed to listen to christmas music, decorate, shop, and everything else associated with christmas.

Why doesn't anyone else agree with me?

It's fabulous. I love Christmas. I've already started. I've bought a couple presents and figured out the rest. What, I'm organised. I have exams prior to chrsitmas I do everything before I go home for a reason. So I can enjoy it.

the boy and I watched Santa Claus last night, because not only are we awesome, but Christmas is less than two months..... Which also means I'm twenty in less than three. SUPER.

Just..super.

Don't get me started.

Jess :]

I stayed where my last step left me

[three hundred]

How does anyone identify with anything? I mean, I identify with music and Canada and literature and glossy advertisement of fashion sometimes, but none of those things define me in a general, broad sense. I wouldn't say music defines me, although some pieces could potentially take my entire life and turn it upside down, but that is from my perspective, from my little vision, and my vision has never been that good to begin with, ever since I was the chubby four-eyed girl in kindegarden turning down boys marriage proposals.

They only liked me for my purple sweaters anyway, I didn't play sports or draw well, I just talked to everybody and was a little shy around the "popular" kids, and I ran around and played on jungle gyms and in the sand, and red rover and picked flowers and told secrets. I was a normal kid, but there was never really anything to identify me, for me to say "I'm a --, I can do this."

I loved movies, I loved watching Disney and ET and Twister, Pretty Woman, Phantom of the Opera, Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat, Land Before Time, Chrsitmas movies, and so many more that took me away to a different place. I started to read early, and those took me furhter away, and eventually I lived in a fantasy world, and that seems to be the closest for me to identify with, my imagination, my clear and concise identification with things that aren't there; the abstract, my love of anything that was fictional, invisible, or untrue.

In a world where everyone strives to identify with truth, I looked to the unknown and undefined to identify with.

I guess that is a constant in my life. I love my imagination. This has been a realisation right here: I identify with fiction. I live and breathe my life through a lense, through a gas mask that filters out the stable solid truths and lets in the questions, the curiosities, the discoverings, the things that could be argued or changed or modelled, imagined, unclarity. I wanted to always be away, off on adventures doing things that people may have already done, but I wanted to do what I wanted within those things, within those adventures.

I wanted to be a Spice Girl in an RV, but I didn't want to be one of the Spice Girls, I wanted to be me in their situation. I wrote myself into movies, books, novels, music, musicals, oral stories, myths, tv shows, everything and anything I could think of, and...admitedly, I still do.

I live in my fantasy. I live in this world where people appreciate my smile. That sounds like the most selfish thing I have ever written in my entire life. But I think that regardless of my ignorance to the fact that obviuously people ignore my smile, I regain and establish confidence within that fact. I feel proud of my smile, and if I live in this fantasy world where my imaginary friends never really left, but they appreciate my smile, they're watching me.

What are they, angels? They are an invention, just like the Evil Easter Bunny and the infinite spiders in the bunk bed that I convinced my sister would eat her if she didn't sleep. My fears, my constructs, I have invented them all and voncinced myself of reality. I live in a story, a lifetime playing movie free for all, my life, but in my head it is fictional. That's probably why I fall in love with all of the characters that I write, because to me they live in real life in my head.

I'm psychotic.

I am also Einstein.

To be perfectly honest, I am incredibly happy in the fact that I can finally identify with something. I am imaginary. I am a construst. How poetic. But it is satisfying to know that something in this world is stable. I've always believed that there has been nothing for me to be passionate or really good at, but it is true, I can think of something better or worse, funnier, happier, slower wetter anything I can think it all up.

Last semester I went through a dark phase where I spent my days living for the night. I spent my days looking forward to my dreams because... My dreams were bettter than my reality. I...wow, I can't believe I'm actually going to..I dreamt that I was living in England in an apartment with three of the most random people I could've imagined in one apartment, I was in love with coffee and wore cute vintage dresses and worked at a radio station/theatre in the downtown London area, and helped out at a studio/theatre during the evenings. I dreamt that I had relationships with people there, that I had a life there, and everyday I would wake up in the morning and live my reality, go to class and see people and it was like the reality wasn't real, my night time, my dreams, were my reality.

I was living the life I wanted inside my head. I was living my dreams as my actual life, I was living my fictioin so that I could be happy. I guess it was good then, that I had practised so much imaginary within my years leading up to this, otherwise I would've probably not made it through last semester. Somedays I'm still living for my dreams, but I'm working on it, I'm doing my best to take the real reality, the everyday life, my awake life, as a lovely beautiful thing.

But there are some days,

the days where I don't want to get out of bed because I can live in my head in bed. I can sleep and take care of all of the things that I want to in there, I can be who I want to be and be happy. I can be happy both ways, but it's not a balance I need. I need to realise that this reality is the reality I need to identify with too.

So if you have something to identify with, I suggest you express it. I just basically laid out something that I've held inside for a while, only have told a couple people about that, and those people would tuck me into bed everynight last year, making sure that I woke up, and may or may not have brightened it a little. It's gotten better, but I still identify with my imagination. That is something that defines me.

Clearly I think so, I love the world inside my head.

Yours till the end of the world,

Jess :]

Decided against it

[two hundred, ninety-nine]

Oh baby. Tomorrow is my three hundredth blog. Tomorrow means three months until this is all over. What will I ever do without you? I will be at an utter loss. I need to use this blog not for thoughts, but for hammering out a cliche. I hope that is alright, tomorrow I will write so many thoughts that you'll get a headache, I promise.

I'll never let go of you hand.

He's never going to let go of his hand for helpful, you've been so dear to me, I miss you I miss the way we used to be I miss when we were younger, I love you. Charles, I'd drag you too, I'd save you, I will always save you--no, I will let you save me?

Charles, you saved us.

Charles, my hand is sweaty.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. I don't know. Charles is supposed to be younger, he's thankful that his younger brother saved him, but never let go is so damn cliche, I need something more...

I didn't fall in love, I fell through love.

I fell through love. I fall in love. I hold your hand, we held, you held my hand through it all, you saved us. You loved us, you saved our love, you saved our lives, love.

let go. let. Letting, let's, let us, let us hold, let us, we held so let us find let us be saved. you held me for so long let us be saved

Let us be saved.

I want to say something about saving, it isn't about bravery, or courage, or triumph or unity, but it is actually about unity and community and love, and determination and determination is fuelled by ignition, and flames, the fire saved us? no. You saved us now let us be saved.

God please help us be saved.

No because it is supposed to be concerning the thankfulness of one to the other, it is supposed to be like "you saved me now I'll hold you up for the rest of our time"

the King. The king isn't supposed to hold up the knights, the soldiers, its the other way around, the king is held up, you did your duty now... hmm.. At ease, soldier,

You;ve done your duty, at ease from now on, we will be saved

Thank you for doing your duty, let the king rest, at ease, At ease, soldier.

That also is cliche, but man does it resonate... I feel like I almost want to do that, but it doesn't make sense with the binary I'm workig with. The binary isn't a good and or evil thing, but it is sort of an opposition, the king and the soldier, and the soldier would be tahnking the king for holding him up...so, I thought it'd be ironic really, since the king is the younger of the two, for the older to say "at ease, soldier.."

At ease, soldier, it's my turn to hold you up

I sort of like that, "at ease your majesty" ? I don't know, I think that your majesty takes away from the king, from the opposition from the work that the younger just went through to get to what he has done. I almost want the story to keep going, I need a different beginning, it needs some sort of mundane to explosives.

I think I'm going with : At ease, soldier, it's my turn to hold you up. I like it a lot. I'm happy I wrote this. I hope this was interesting for anyone other than me, that was my thought progression and sort of how I write, my stream of consciousness while writing! Hurray!

Take care,

JESS :]

tomorrow's the big one

[two hundred, ninety-eight]

Considering the stress of the past weeks, and the future weeks, and well every week leading up to Christmas holidays, I have decided that I should eat and do what I want. Obviously within reason, such as only eating so much, still going to the gym, etc. But I shouldn't have to comform and do what I think other people want me to. I am kind of sick of people telling me what's best for me... I know myself, I'm learning my limitations, let me deal with it.

But hold my hand through it. Don't just push me away. I like it when sometimes people are supportive, it sorta seems like people care that way. I think people don't care about other people enough. People are too selfish.


I have vulnerabilities too, y'know and I'm still standing out here in the ice cold rain trying to save the world.

My utility belt is neon blue.

Despite the fact that I am beginning to think of myself as an introvert, I am beginning to see the merit in crowds. I like to be in a crowd for the people, but also because when you stand alone you are alone. Bare, exposed, a polaroid of what others envy but ignore, and yet you're still out there. I put myself out there everyday with these blogs, sort of snapping my thoughts and placing them out there.

I am tired of writing now, but I'll keep going.

I put myself in my writing, sometimes, and when I don't it is obvious. I am passionate about people. I want people to continue to smolder and ignite under my gaze as it is harmless. I just want to know why people do things, I am a researcher in the field, I ask questions everyday, and my field notes are mentally located in the files within my head.

I may sound crazy, but I remember the weirdest details about things that happen, situations, moments, polaroids... People don't remember and take value in enough. Everyone should look back at their life and recognise one moment as: special, funny, intimate, short, quiet, etc. Preferably more than one, this week.

But I have a bad memory so my polaroid camera is in my utility belt in my writing.

I am passionate about people.

take care,

JESS

fishies

[two hundred, ninety-seven]

All I can think about right now is food. I had hummus for lunch, and it was so good I totally forgot how much I love hummus, and how much I missed it since with my gallbladder in I couldn't eat it, and now I can! I love food. I wish that everyone I knew also loved food as much as I did. I would eat everything if I could, but I can't, so I just eat the same things everyday.

That's such a silly concept, eating the same food everyday, and yet I do it. Thus thrusts on the life of a student on a budget, but seriously, I wish I could eat a seatk dinner every evening with a glass of wine, but bitch if I can work that off everynight, or afford it.

I am craving some sort of pasta today, I think that I'll look into it when we go out for supper. We're going to this vegetarian place downtown that I love, and it has whole wheat cinnamon buns, you know what that means? Means I don't feel too bad havin' a latte! I love those.

I would really like to buy more fruit, like oranges bananas apples berries, but I always forget about all of those until it is too late to eat them, so I think I'm going to stop that. Along with yogurt, I forget about yogurt. Shit, I have some I need to eat soon.

This has been such a redundant and boring entry, I apologise for being boring, I am such a boring person. I have nothing else interesting to say, so, stay tuned for something more interesting hopefully later this evening.

sincerely, I suck,

Jess :]

"her boobs, definitely"

[two hundred, ninety-six?]

I haven't had a good pancake breakfast in like a year. A good one, with good conversation and friends and laughing, and well, I think that's on the tall order this week. You know what else is? Probably a lot of essay and story writing for me, but, well, that's alright too.

I don't think I drink enough water. It's such a silly concept, drinking eight glasses of water a day, but you need to. There are so many things that every basic human needs, and yet we neglect them. We need to be loved, we need nutrients in food, we need positivity and rest and laughter, and yet so many of these things are taken for granted and glazed over within the [erameters (i should really stop saying that) of our basic contemporary moderm society.

I try to balance these things, I indulge myself I eat junk food once in a while, I drink copius amounts of water, I dance everyday and smile at everybody I see (blind jokes?) but seriously, I smile a lot. Everybody needs happiness, fuck freud, it's attainable. Discontent isn't the basis of our society, life is.

And life is meant to be just lived. It is meant to take eveyrhting to the extreme, the fullest, risks, no regrets, no looking back just living in that one piece of moment where things were real, things were intense and lovely, those moments are those that I live for.

Like this one time where I was running down the beach in the middle of the night with glowsticks around my neck and wrists, and I was a little intoxicated but not really, and I was with one of my best friends and we were screaming and running through the shallow water, and there were fireworks and other screaming and I could see nothing and everything all at once.

I live for those moments.

I live for the moments that I will remember, the situations the pieces that amongst all of the other bullshit days, the groaning feelings, and the stupid people, that stick out. That shine amongst the dull. The red amongst the evergreen. I wish that everyone would see these, I'm blind for pete's sake and all I do is search for these pieces.

And I find them everyday, there's always something shining.

So go today, and drink water. Just do it. Drink the eight glasses, drink what you need, and start with that. And then let the needs bleed into the rest of your life. If you love someone, tell them. If you need a huge, get one. If you need to let go, do it. If you need to eat because it's good for you and you should stop counting calories, then for the love of everything good do it. For the love of pete, just do what you need to get by, take the risk.

And remember that I know and think you are worth it,

love always,

Jess :]

"lasme"

ptwo hundred, ninety-five]

I don't have a lot to say right now, so I'm just going to talk a bit about my day so far. I will start with last night. I went to bed early, I didn't go out to a party or drinking or with people, but I spent it in in my jammies and I watched the Family Stone again, because it makes me want a big family and it makes me miss Christmas. I knitted, and I drank tea, and I fell asleep with my knitting in my bed as well as my computer, at around eleven thirty/twelve.

I woke up this morning at a good time, ten. It seems that whenever I want to sleep in but have work to do, ten is the time my body starts to develop anxiety and wakes me up. My bad eye was really sore and still is, it feels like I have a black eye. I must've hit myself in the face yesterday while sleeping or something, but it's swollen and hurts quite a lot. I went to the bathroom, made a tiny breakfast, and realised my roomies doors were closed, since they both went out last night, I let them sleep.

Then I did my readings for the week for two classes. I have finished most of the reading for the next two weeks, actually, because I have midterms and boyfriend visiting and going home and essays, papers, stress, so hopefully everything goes well academically this week.

I then had popcorn for lunch. My roomie is rubbing off on me as I am rubbign off on her, after I had just told her she couldn't have it for lunch I did. It's so yummy. Then I had a shower, and now I'm watching the office, writing this and writign my creative writing application at the same time. I've been trying to think of some interesting things to happen to my main character, but I'm at a loss... This may prove to be an issue.

Because I really need this class.

So I must tell the world that I have decided that after Europe this fall, my next destination is Greece, then Australia/New Zealand, and if the option arises at any point that I could go cross country via rail/road trip. I want to see Canada before I go blind, thank you!

Alrighty well that's been my day, and I haven't been doing much else! Knitting, reading, I finally got dressed today but I was comfortable in my jammies! I am a five year old inside. I realised also today that for christmas if all I got was mittens I'd be satisfied, I want mittens right now. It is so flippin cold on my fingers lately..

Well, mittens and money for europe, please.

and thankyou! Have a lovely day!

Jess :]

sometimes I wash dishes

[two hundred, ninety-four]

I feel like writing some thoughts down today. I think that it may not be as coherant as I'd like to be since I'm also reading wizard of oz at the same time, but I'll do my absolute best to focus. I like to focus, sometimes, on two things, just so that I can get enough in my head to forget the fact that I think too much about everything, and in an abstract way.

For example, why is it not common for people to just sit within a conversation and listen? I feel like this is all I do sometimes, I would rather listen then talk about myself, I want to know everything. I want to see, everywhere, and therefore I need to take risks in order to get there. To get where? I want to get everywhere, anywhere that isn't here, that isn't structural academic education. We should all just ask ourselves why?

I don't know why, really, why I am here, reading two full books in one day, taking notes within a class where really for the exam I will use my head rather than the two days worth of studying. Preparation is beginning to prove itself useless, especially in a life such as this. I think it would be better for the rest of mankind if university, if the economy, the workforce, existed for a small population of people. It seems to work best for a dominant class, and there seems to be a class of useless drones parading along, doing whatever they can to grab their piece of land for themselves.

To create an individual.

I don't know if you've read any Jungian psychology, but Jung was an academic under Freud, a pupil, who was obsessed with the Oeudipal complex and other such theories, and he had one theory in particular that peaks my interest, called Individualisation.

Jung argues that everyone has a shadow and a persona, two parts of their being that make up their public and hidden, what they want people to see of them (persona) and the things they hide away (shadow). When a person has identified that they have a persona and shadow, and have balanced the two, come to terms, acknowledged, etc. they are Individualised.

When learning these theories, I figured that I had reached Individualisation, by assuming the role of a persona and shadow within my life, and having confidence within that. In hindsight, that was sort of ridiculously naive of me. I hate Jung, a lot. No one knows who they are, and never will, and that is the meaning of life. Everyone is fighting for truth of self, truth of love, and truth of happiness dedicated to their being. Regardless if you devote your life to charity, you are still upholding your self.

Reglardess of dominant classes, ideologies, bullshit, unhappiness, you are searching for you.

And it takes a lifetime, and some people never find themselves, and some people do early on, and some people spend their entire life fighting for a journey they deserve. Everyone deserves happiness, but some people lack the motivation to see through that fog.

I may not see much, but holy shit Batman, do I know, that I know that I deserve to be happy. That is Individualisation for me. I may not be positive one hundred percent of the time, or happy, or in love or cheerful or supportive, or smart or confident or culturally accepted, or engrained in social norms or pretty, but boy do I know that I deserve to be all of those at some time, and I know that in order to be okay with me I have to be okay with the fact that truth is relative.

I truly believe that if I believe it, it is true. These are the obviuos reasons why I hate writing for other people. I hate thinking that I am being judged by someone for ideas that make sense to me inside. I don't think like you.

I'm not like you guys.

But I sort of like seeing the world differently. Yeah, I only see out of one eye and that one is unfocused and lacking detail or colour or anything, but I gots the faith that despite the fact that I have that impairment, I still have the vision. The motivation to discover my truths, my self.

So...I don't have any advice today. I want everyone to just be happy, for atleast a second, knowing that regardless of your beliefs or mindset, status, happiness levels; I love you, and I believe in you, and believe that if you just put a second of thought a day to who you are and your being, you can figure it all out, one day.

take care,

Jess :]

it's only time now

[two hundred, ninety-three]

And there isn't any going back now, fuck sentence structure. If there was a going back option it would be taken, but it just went. Fleeting, the feeling was quick but lingered for a long time and within the casing it continued to grow, well, it continued to change. It was change that did it, really, and yet, it did it on its own. We let it stay there, totally, and when we looked back at it it was sitting alone in the middle, pulsing, and it seemed to glow. Grow. Go away, and it went, fleetingly, a flight of fasting, a flight of petulance. And it was there. Let's take it away and hide it underneath the sheets, underneath the beds and the cupboards. Let's hide everything away so that one day, appropriate measures can be taken for revelation, recognition, for anxietal bursts of chemical burns and moist lips, shards of loss covering the floor in shades of grey. Time passed, missed time, and made up. For one day, or two, or a couple more one night sayings, let's just hide it away until we can.


jess

i like it better the old way, actually

[two hundred, ninety-two]

Have I mentioned that I don't like change? Or Halloween? Or midterms? All three of these things have happened or are happening or are about to happen, and in all three situations I find myself breaking down, in the midst, or just brain dead.

I think it would be easiest for this to be a quick writing, since I've been studying for a couple hours straight and my eyes have reached bruising point, my black eyes, sinking slowly into the chaos within my headache. I think there are some things to say about all three issues, all are hard to contain, all are hard to prepare for, and all are things that do not define me.

Change, does not.

Halloween definitely does not.

And midterms, being the bane of my existence, do not.

I am determined to pull through this, to create my own life=preserver in the midst of this dusty fog that I've been sitting in, gasping for breath in. I suck at poetry, I suck at saying what I want to say clearly, but man can I find something positive in a bad situation.

So if you're dealing with change, finding a halloween costume or preparing for midterms, do take this advice: close your eyes and take a minute to just think about how wonderufl you are. I don't like to think that I'm wonderful but I do think that everyone around me is wonderful, they all have beautiful faces and strong hands and hearts, wills, minds, and I know that someday great things will become of them.

Great things are already surrounding me. I am thankful for everyone I know, and their smiling faces.

take care,

JESS :]

lately, do you ever feel the pain, in the pouring rain?

[two hundred, ninety-one]

shaking leaves in the trees quiver as
the rustle in the breeze near the back porch
liven me from my sleeping in the hot sun,
it is "home," sometimes,
and other times it looks just like a house,
and acts like one, it talks and bounces,
just like it should, but the inner workings,
the inner woods,
don't allow for much else, much more love,
or passion to enter...
and still I lay in the sun, basking like a raisin,
searching for my home in the better life,
the hovel for the looking, the place for a sleep,
the taking me back to my childhood dreams and memories,
a place, well, it was a place,
but it changed. It must have been.

It must have been the time of day where I would lay and scream all day,
just in incase, and so I hoped that "home" spoke louder than that.

focus: looking, searching, hunting. Wow, I'm ready for bed.

JESS

cause i think that you're [wild]

[two hundred, ninety]

you might think it's foolish, but all i want is you [da na da nana, da na da nana, lalalalalala]

I'm great at singing, the cars, in the middle of the night in the pouring rain when it's dark in a standard across a bridge where there may or may not be construction... In a thunderstorm? Singing. Loudly. Trying to hold your hand but the stupid standard gets in the way, with the gear shift, so I nervously put it down at my side, and watch your face as you drive, because I know you're gonna keep me safe, despite the fact that I'm blind and can't see much ever let alone in the dark in the rain, but the headlights illuminate your face, and I keep thinking to myself that I'm obviously going to be okay, because I'm with you, and you do that thing where you never let me down. And I tell you I'm scared and to not kill me and you laugh, you always laugh a lot. I love your laugh. I think it's funny that on our date nights we drive to macdonalds at eleven at night and buy happy meals (well, I get one) and we drive to the empty parking lot to listen to the beach boys and eat, or stabilo and get into a show down with the gangsta kids in the SUV who think they're cool and playin' the top forty and we're singing loudly, and the nights where we put the car in neutral and pushed it around, or when I pushed it around and danced around it, or the nights where it poured rain but I was restless, that first date night, that first night where it was pouring rain, and I didn't have a jacket, and it was cold, and I was restless so I got out of the car in the empty parking lot, ran to the street light, got up on the big curb and you stood below me so I wouldn't fall, and I jumped down and taught you how to two-step, and we kissed.

and we kissed.

And that first night, I went home with my soaking wet feet, clothes, hair, glasses, everything, and I laid in my bed, and I thought to myself how lucky I am to have someone who loves adventures as much as I do. And can put up with my horrendous songs, or can catch me when I run too fast down the stairs, or puts up with my random crying and grumpy hungry moods, who buys me food and flowers and necklaces, who lets me pay once in a while for the movies or dinner.

I finally have a best friend, who happens to be a boy, who will buy me a hotel room.

It has been a life of being alone, a lot of the time. A life where I wished somebody felt like I felt. And I would never wish for someone to be lonely, but when you told me you were lonely, I held your hand. I will hold your hand, because not only do I love you but you are my best friend. You have a killer smile, that when I see it and you're not infront of me in arms length I cry. And you don't mind that in order to see your eyes I have to be an inch away, or that I fall asleep in action hero movies (I don't think you know that I did in green lantern, or I like to pretend that you don't) and I fall asleep during every movie. But what's funny is that I had insomnia before, and now I sleep soundly. Especially when we're watching breaking bad at two in the morning after a date night, baby, cause I'm sitting with you and I'm not paying attention, I'm thinking about the adventures we have.

And the laughs that we have.

And the kisses and hugs and dinners and ferris wheels and poncho findings, and the day you took me to the grand river and I got bug bites and was grumpy and didn't exactly complain but I wasn't happy either, but I tried to keep a smile because it was your element, and all I do is tell you how fascinating the things you love are. Or the day you went to take a shower before we went to the beach so you left me a pile of comic books on your bed and I sat there and cried a bit because you are so cute.

You are, you know.

Or the time when I had to go to school and you had to go to school, and you left me, and you let go of my hand, and my heart broke... I need some more glue, but you took the pieces with you. I can't fix this without you. and I am hurting and you are hurting, and it is so hard for me to say things about this summer because those three months were great, and incredible, and full of happiness.

Finally.

So take a breath, think about everything I've said, and just let me know...

Can we watch Gossip Girl when you come next week if we have time? You'll like it, there's gossip. See, I do pay attention to things you tell me, I don't remember huge things, but I remember that your middle name is James and you love gossip and comic books, and were a bully in elementary school and that's why you're such a nice guy now because you feel bad, and your dog is your best friend.

Or maybe I fit in there somewhere too.

I love you,

Jess <3

um, no actually, I can't see...

[two hundred, eighty-nine]

I should be doing a lot more homework now, but I don't feel like it. I need a tiny break. I've been reading for four hours straight, so I'm going to have a tiny writing/shower break, and then get back into it later, debating on finishing an entire book or just finishing this week's amount... I think, with the amount of midterms and stress, I should take breaks. I'm not good at giving myself enough breaks.

See, when I write my schedule, I literally write " 1:30-4:30 Postcolonial Reading, 4:30-5:30 shower" etc. But I don't really give myself enough time for breaks or for travelling, so I end up behind or ahead in some way of another. I don't know what I am right now, I'm lost within the perameters of the time in which my time management has allowed me to breathe in... I think.

I really want a white hot choaolte this evening.

In some ways I think this blog reflects my deteriorating faith in the university system, as the academics of the world profusely admit to the capitalist nature of this stupid structure, I think that the jobs that we all want to get that have a good pay and good hours and are relatively interesting should not requires a master in advanced articulative skills, but some sort of experience.

This is sort of why I'm thinking about doing an apprenticeship after graduation, instead of my master.

But who knows, really, I could just be losing my sanity, which is obvious within the perameters that my academic strucured life has permitted. I feel like with all of this grain on grain work, the grinding and toll of school has worn me out. I used to have so much fire, but then I was required to read for four hours, take notes, and not fall asleep, and therefore I lost all of that fire, it was dampened by intense literature.

Which I shouldn't be complaining about, that is, after all, the reason why I continued on with post secondary education, wasn't it?

Sometimes I think there was some choice in there, I chose to become an English Major in order to pursue the life that I would love. But what will I love? Right now I love being around people, nurturing relationships, writing, music, the world, people. I think that I have lost my love of reading in the past year, and it truly shows in the interest I have now. I would much rather go out and do something then stay in and read.

Don't get me wrong though literature is my soft spot, hit me with a good book and I'll hit you back with my overbearing opinion. It is just peculiar to me that something so lovely, beautiful interesting, can be ruined by someone telling you what to do with it. I want to do, think, say, write, be what I want with a text, not do something just because someone told me to. This is the flaw here in this program, you gotta do what they say or they er um kick you the hell out.

So the goal is to not get kicked out, to continue on for the next two and a half years, to take courses and have experiences that I will....eventually....fall in love with. My goal in life? To be happy. If it is the last thing I do, I will die happy. Or I will die knowing that everyone around me is happy. Either of those is acceptable.

So I'm working towards that, although university has proven itself as the official BULLSHIT to happiness. It is happiness's nemesis. The key in this situation is is to not take anything too seriously. Don't strive for a ninety-eight, do your best and hope for the best. Unless you're applying to med school, in which case I suggest dropping out and becoming a mime in paris would be better for your health and happiness then continue on...

But we need doctors, so obviously someone has to nearly kill themselves in the process, so not everyone take that advice.

but anyways, I guess that was a long rant. I have caught up on my blogs now. I am still writing the story, the goal is to be done by November fifth, so hopefully that works out...less than a month? Basically a week? Yeah, yeah I don't know about that but I have to do it so it will be done!

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

JESS

is this what they call sex on a saturday night?

[two hundred, eighty-eight]

It smells like popcorn. I think that everyone should love poopcorn. I love popcorn, with vinegar or butter. It really isn't a good idea to eat lots of this, like when I saw planet of the apes I had popcorn actually no I had fries which were so good. I love fries. I have such an issue with eating too much grease when I hit the movie theatre because it is SO GOOD.

Planet of the Apes was amazing, by the way.

Surprises should be spontaneous, and everything should include the little things.

I don't know why I continue to pass on my wisdom, my awkward, random wisdom. I think that things should be said, and if they aren't said they are said to someone. I remember there are stories that I can't tell some people but tell others. There are people in the world who do both extremes, they tell everyone everything, or everyone nothing. Balance, and nurturing in those relationships.

I am writing a blog, watching blueless on my bedroom floor on a saturday night, baby, I got the life.

I bought two sweet new sweaters today, they friggen rock. I love woolly thigns..hehehe..

okay, that is all.

JESS ;]

crazy, but that's how it goes

[two hundred, eighty-seven[

I miss penpals. Why aren't they permitted anymore after you pass the fourth grade? Actually, I think I had one in sixth grade, but it still isn't fair that I can't just go onto a website and find someone who would like to get to know someone far away. I should invent this, and make lots of money and retire prematurely to Greece, learn to paint stills and become a vegabond for the rest of my life.

I think that I would write to my penpal once a week, and it would replace you, blog, since you are over in less than a hundred days. I can't believe I've gone through this so fast, it feels like I just started, but here I am writing my final one hundred days. I think that a penpal would be alittle more sufficient however, since I would be getting a response.

I like to know things about people, if you didn't know that about me yet. I like to people watch, and to know what people are thinking, and to understand behaviours and relationships. I love knowing these things, that's why I love detail and characterisation. I think it would be beneficial for everyone to have a penpal friend.

I had one last semester, although not far away, we got to know eachother pretty well....

I would also like to add that as this blog continues I cannot manage to think of new things to write about. What should I do? I don't really know what to say anymore. I think I should write about my messy room next, or the fact that I still haven't bought the computer application to re-install my ipod songs. This should really be solved, soo.

love and hugs on a saturday night,

Jess :]

please refrain

[two hundred, eighty-six?]

I can't remember what number I'm on. I am sitting in the dark with my fan on, waiting to get into bed, and I am planning on snuggling in and watching a movie, hopefully the lion king, because I just feel like it today. I feel like just being marginally happier, bcause happiness is subjective in university, and lately it's been on the decline.

Is anyone else at the end of their rope? I am. I think there should be a one way flight to paradise and the only way to get back is on christmas, and it should be free. I would like that.

I think my thoughts lately have been so jumbled and messed up, that I don't know what to talk about anymore. I don't know what to think. I don't know how to act and how to go about with my day, how to be myself. I need a new self, or atleast I need to molt out of this bs, and continue on with my life.

I need to learn from this.

It sure it a predicament, anyway, I feel like I say I too many times, so here we go.

If you want to eat macdonalds, do it. If you want to eat ice cream for breakfast while wearing a cape, do it. If you want to run in the rain in a dress, do it. Do what you want today, because it is important to give in once in a while, to liberate yourself. The desires are not always meant to be overridden, only if you decide to conform to society's wants, who's wants are best?

Let's all just hug eachother tomorrow, I think tomorrow is a hug day.

HUGS AND KISSES

JESS :]

do people eat orange peals? Really?

[two hundred, eighty-five]

It has been a while since I just sort of talked. Today I had class and I had to do research and had lunch and did some music things and went to the gym then had dinner and now I'm reading. I wish that I had enough money to go and get a manicure right now, and a pedicure, and a massage, and maybe just a full spa day, wow, that would be incredible. I wish that I could have a fireplace and just cuddle up on a large couch and knit or just drink tea and cry. I wish it was christmas. I wish it was christmas. I wish it was christmas. I wish I lived somewhere amazing. I think that there are too many bees in this country. Chocolate should come melted, always. I feel like fondu, very much. I wish we had a hot tub.

I wish that today wasn't such a silly day, that I could make decisions on my own, and that everyone in the world knew how special they are.

Because everyone is special.

Jess

secondlastandovercast and raining, rain

[two hundred, eighty-four?]

should it be hunting, were there signs?
singing, maybe, but nothing

train station elevators
with wheelchair guards
and a hand rail for the elderly
and the rusted steps
and the train, with its noises
sounded like it was leaving,
and it was.

it came, there were gardens, there were
winds and there were rustles,
and there were days spent in bed on big pillows
and there were people in high skirts and
and
whistles.

so the wind did, so did the train,
so did the passengers,
they whispered too, too many double you's,
too many wavering watching words,
too many, and it hurt.

but that's the way we go these days,
we run and jump and skip and play,
and everytime there comes the day,
that we have to get on that train,
to continue on to leave,
it is hard to not get down,
way down,
on the ground.

focus: i don't know i needed some sort of filler i suppose, it's sort of complete rubbish, i'm tired, bad day.

jess :]

hunger and suffering, the winter, invaders

ptwo hundred, eighty-three[

Sometimes, I wish I was smart, I wish I made cures for, how people are
I wish I had power, I wish I could lead,
I wish I could change the world for you and me
I feel so- boxcar racer

You should listen to that song, for some reason I am in love with it right now. It reminds me that life isn't full of big pink erasers that you can use on feelings thoughts emotions situations relationships, mistakes that you've made to change things. Why would anyone want to change anything anyway? That's the way you are, accept it, and embrace it, let it grow on you, let yourself love yourself.

I'm not narcissistic, I promise.

I just have this strong impulse to love everything. I can't help it, I like to make people happy, I like to put passion into a project, I like to be happy myself, and therefore I surround myself by love. I try to surround my everyone with love.

Is it hard for people to pass love on? I can sort of imagine why, if things are hard for people to accept and trust, but it is nothing, life is nothing if you can't let someone in. If you can't sit down on a light couch and touch knees and talk for hours, to cry for hours, to open and rant and vent and love for hours. It is nothing to be alone in darkness, what is life without a coffee shop tea time? What is life without speaking voice?

What is life alone?

I fear this, but at the same time I set upon it in a hard way, a long journey. I have been hurt, torn, ripped apart. I have been broken, and continue to break and spout pieces. I've got a lot of people working to fix this, with glue gun and duct tape, but nobody wants to be a walking puzzle, with pieces missing and snapped and it takes more than a couple of people to do this.

The funny thing is, I have had a gluegun in my utility belt for years.

And all I've done is glued people together, and used my own for them, and let people take and given and sometimes I feel wiped out. I feel like my fire has been erased, my will, my spark, and I try desperately to keep it going, but it's like I fill my gluegun with my fire to fix other people, and I'm left un attended.

But I'm still here, I'm still smiling, somehow. I think you should too.

cause if I gotta you gotta.

love,

Jess :]

desolate islands holding hands in the mild night

[two hundred, eighty-two[

we two, we danced all night again.
I fear for my life again,
in his grip I am alive again,
but there's something in this light, but then,
but when,
he took my hand again,
and looked
right down and back and then
across,
the sea and finally,
we were free.

Why is it that everything is seeing? It is so funny that some people say they don't care about what they look like, except they go on diets and fast and buy expensive clothing. I shouldn't be talking, fucking hypocrite, but seriously, I don't care what OTHER people look like, because I can't see 'em much, to be honest I would rather someone obese and happy then a walking talking pity party. Even some of the pity parties I know are smiling sometimes and even if they're skinny asses won't come to a party on a friday night, they still smile sometimes. But seriously, it isn't fair to look like a stick and then complain about big calfes, or stupid hair. I have both of those and I still sort of smile all the time.

So you should smile today, I think, and forget about everything and just remember that I think your smile is great. He's got a great simle, regardless of the big mouth.

Also, I have two more of these to post today, chances are I won't get around to both, so I'll try for finishing up tomorrow. I have a midterm in the morning, so chances are....

LOVE,

JESS :]

coundown three

[two hundred, eighty-one]

I tried to write a poem just now, and my creativity was burst. I don't really understand how that happens or how it did happen, but it was gross, and it just sort of ruined what I was trying to say. I'll sum it up in three lines:

I would like there to be noise most of the time,
but sometimes there is too much noise,
and so I stay in isolation to stay in a noise level that is acceptable to me.

Is that a poem? Not necessarilly, I mean it doesn't rhyme and doesn't really have a structure. But it has a point, a message, and I understood it enough to be clear. Why can't all of the writing that I have to do be done in this fashion? I am hungry but I just had a huge turkey dinner three hours ago so I shouldn't eat anything, it's my body playing mind tricks... Oxymoron?

Moronic.

Jess :[

four days behind because I like to eat triptofan

[two hundred, eighty]

This is a test to see how many of my biology friends actually read this anymore, I gather the running count will be....zero. As will anyone else reading this. I've given up on caring, it's just fun to see who pays attentions these days.

Funny thing, paying attention is, to little details. I have this plan for a surprise and it's focused on little details, the little things people say that I remember and file away for a time when it will be appreciated. I don't do this on purpose either, it just sort of happens.

That's something I value in people I surround myself with. People who will remember little things, but not use them to throw back in my face in vindictive ways, as some people have been known to do lately, or to be negative or remember the bad things, but t/o make me feel like I'm not just talking to the dust on the wall, or in my ntoebooks, rather.

I'm debating starting another blog come the new year, obviously this one will still be available but I'm going to have another page and just start fresh. Maybe not an everyday thing, but an occaisional thing. I feel like I write better and more often when it's a commitment, so I'll try to set something up.

I'm also debating on making a whole new blog entirely, but that may be on the fly... I dunno, down low, basement-recreational value, for my eyes only. As if this isn't my eyes only already.

Isn't it funny that I write my thoughts down, my private, diverse, in my head thoughts down on a public space? I think the days of privacy have been revolutionised. No longer is privacy subjective, but it is all based on the settings you set your life to.

I'll be posting another three today because I am behind, stay tuned for some short catch up bs, maybe a poem.

love and hugs,

Jess :]

I need space

[two hundred, seventy-nine]

I say this often, but I don't have much to say today. I feel like a shotgun bullet hit my chest and I fell into the ocean, the salty water filling my chest my lungs my head, my mouth and I want to scream but it burns and I want to climb out but I am paralysed. I have been drowning here and it seems like everytime I try to get out, to swim out, I end up deeper because there is no escape. Why am I so down? Why is everything bleak and dark blue? Why is it that I feel like bedtime is the best time again?

I feel like my hands are covered in papercuts and the salt stings, stringing together what I feel and what I think. Pain is minute in the grand scheme of things, but in all honesty, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Spoken truely, but more or less stolen, I would rather feel pain and love then nothing at all.

I hate hurt, I hate feeling down, I hate drowning. I want to hold a hand for an hour or two and just get out, for a break, atleast for a little while. I want a hug that means something, something new. I need something new.

I need something new.

Jess

teach me the way to stop

[two hundred, seventy-eight]

I bought oranges the last time I was at the grocery store, and today I realised, actually right now, that I don't like to eat oranges much... Why do I do these things to myself? why do I put myself in the situations that, for the most part, really aren't the smartest ideas, or best planned out things, and yet there I go, getting back into things, jumping the cliff.

That's a terrible analogy of mine. If someone is making a decision, I tell them to jump off the cliff. Just do it, don't think about it, what have you got to lose? I realise now, just recently, that that analogy is a terrible thing to tell people. I would rather everyone just sat in a circle at the top of the cliff and held hands, sang kumaya, or some other, normal, sane, non-suicidal act. Maybe I'm just crazy.

I like oranges though, just not eating them. Orange juice is my favourite thing to drink, and I am beginning to really try to not care about the things I eat. I know butter and oj isn't healthy for me, but I love them, and therefore, I will buy them and eat/drink in moderation. In your face, fitness today!

I had lemon merengue yogurt today, best thing since the actual pie...

As you can see, there isn't much to say. Today has been, well, fleighty. I've been using that word a lot, and I am spelling it phonetically because let's be honest here, I am just a phonetic kind of person. I am sick of people telling me I am weird, too.

You all can suck it.

I say and do weird things, I sing loudly in public places, I say the wrong thing, I laugh and dance, I make blind jokes in class, I make connections with people that turn into great friendships, I am passionate. I love the way I am, and I need to be this way to believe in the things I believe, and cope with the world around me. So seriously, if you've got a problem, shove it up your ass 'cause I'm not listening anymore.

suck on that,

Jess :]

my body tells me no, but i won't stop, cause i want more

[two hundred, seventy-seven]

There is something in the way he moves, and knows exactly when to kiss my forehead or squeeze tighters. There is something about his being against mine, while we sit and be together. There is something about his smile when I realise that he's thinking about me, or when he realises that I'm thinking about him. There's something about the wrinkles beside his eyes when he smiles, and the way his eyes are so deep and even I can see that. There's something in the way he shows the way he needs to hold my hand, when we cross streets or are walking, or anytime, because he keeps me safe. There's something in the way that he talks to me, says my name, that rustles my being, that ignites the feeling of wantedness. There's something silly about the way he smirks when he's done something good, and jokes all the time, and sings in a high falsetto and blushes afterwords, after he jumps onto a bed and looks at me, waiting for me to in turn jump as well. There's something about being held down that, although it scares me, keeps me here. There is something about those three squeezes that keeps me yearning, looking, reaching for his hand, for him, yet again.

focus: him..

love,

Jess :]

control.

[two hundred, seventy-six]

I want a white cord skirt, just because it seems like something I could get away with. And white keds, soft white. Why do white things sound so interesting to wear? Probably my obsession with fashion advertisements and classy, class, classic style. I don't like the cropped, a-symmetrical eighties, I like the puffy shouldered, leg warming eighties, with a perm. All I want is a perm.

If you google "Father of the Bride" and find pictures of the daughter from that movie, her style is what I want for my life. She is the perfect twenty-something in the eighties, a pretty little haircut and soft style, not obvious style. If you have seen "My Best Friend's Wedding." Julia Roberts' hair and style is the style I want, the nineties perm and journalist's salary-wardrobe. She is the perfect in-piece character, she is the epitome of style in my opinion.

Why do I love style so much lately? I have never really cared about it. I don't particularly like trends or fashions, but I like the way some people can just pull off things, and others, myself included, cannot. I just wear things that I like, and make it work sometimes, and just sort of smile and go through life wishing I lived in a different decade for the sole reason of style.

Style has lost the gloss, lately.

I hate grunge too, nobody cares about the gross, badass goth chic, or I don't anyway. I like living in a world, a little bubble of style. I do enjoy looking at vogue and being trendy, but I don't feel like I judge people on their style, I just take it into account, I mentally write it down, they look this way, they dress this way. Some people have very dinstinct, potent styles, but others are like me and just sort of wear what's there, and that's the motto I go by and love.

Well, I have nothing else to say about style right now, I'm reading for a class, and I'm sort of tired of doing work and wish I could write and read for fun again, but this summer will not be a time for reading for fun, it's going to be for working working working working and saving money, and seeing people that I love. Why do I feel so disconnected lately?

I feel so out of it. I love life, I love everything I am so happy and cheery, but there is something down bringing me down. I need to get everything out of here, I should get that thing into check, that needed test, to tell me what it is. Feeling better now?

cheers,

Jess :]

i have nothing to say

]two hundred, seventy-five]

I was going to write this long post about something, but not today. Today isn't the day for that, nope. So I decided on just writing what comes to mind, because apparently that'll be good for me, but I don't know what to think about it, because I have nothing to go off of, I have nothing in my thoughts keeping me in boundaries, other than the fact that I need to do laundry, and that I'm listening to Pete Townsend. It is obvious what kind of mood I am in from the enthusiasm of music. I'm listening to my favourite PT song, and still it's sort of a half-hearted interest, like I could be happier but it just won't get up there, the temperature just isn't rising for me today. Which is funny because it is so bloody hot in this stupid house, I have my window open with all the cold outside so that I don't die. I would rather freeze than boil, and maybe that makes me weird, but I don't like being really hot, it is very uncomfortable for me. I had a whole wheat cinammon bun today and it was incredible. I think that more fun happens in the span of twenty four hours condensed then would happen on a span of a long time... I think my friends are the best in the world, and nobody's perfect, but they are totally making up for that fact... Finally I feel needed, like I am supposed to be here. Even though I'm exhausted, which reminds me that I can sleep in tomorrow because my class is cancelled, which will be the first true sleeping in in a super long time, and it makes me smile from ear to ear, to pluto and back. I think that everyone should just smile, right now, because I know it is hard sometimes, but I try to... I do my best. I like his glasses off. So I love this beatles song called octupus's garden and it is lovely. I should be doing some reading right now, but I just found out about sleeping in so I'm going to keep writing. I feel like if I write some short stories for this application I have to do, then I would be golden. I am going to start preparing for that over thanksgiving. I have a midterm next week and I'm excited, because it should be very fun, it is about fairytales and kid's books, and I just like that kind of stuff.. Not best, but it is a fun thing to learn about. Humidity is what brings me down. And gravity, the slow trudging slug thug chug. I don't know what's wrong with me

cheers.

Jess :]

corrupting left and right through the bleak and stark of night

[two hundred, seventy-four]

I love autumn, I want to be married in the fall, and to have a wedding where the leaves are all turned colour, but still sort of warm enough that if I wanted to get married outside then I could. I love taking time during this particular part of the season to walk around without my headphones in and just listen to the wind, the wind in the trees through the leaves and listen to the noise they make, the shuffling, rustling gorgeous sound that draw me in everytime.

I have been having such a good weekend, with such great people and celebrating and dancing and just talking. Sitting in cafe's and talking about life and food and friends, our lives, our futures our pasts, I miss my good friends from home, they make me feel like I have a place and I am so blessed to be in the know with them. They are the reason that my highschool career was successful, not because of the music or the classes or the anything, they were my high school.

I need to clean my room, everything from the past few days has just accumulated in certain areas. I feel like times when things are super busy and I have no time to just sit and watch a show and read vogue is the time where I know my room will be a chaotic mess.

Oh, and by the way, I have never felt this at peace in my life, which is all due to someone who has changed me, and they don't know it and I didn't realise it until recently. It makes me cry to think of unhappiness in the world, but it makes me cry harder that I can't bring it to everyone. I want to spread my peace, and all I wish is for everyone to have a love, and feel loved, and be loved. I love you, babe.

love,

Jess :]