sometimes I wash dishes

[two hundred, ninety-four]

I feel like writing some thoughts down today. I think that it may not be as coherant as I'd like to be since I'm also reading wizard of oz at the same time, but I'll do my absolute best to focus. I like to focus, sometimes, on two things, just so that I can get enough in my head to forget the fact that I think too much about everything, and in an abstract way.

For example, why is it not common for people to just sit within a conversation and listen? I feel like this is all I do sometimes, I would rather listen then talk about myself, I want to know everything. I want to see, everywhere, and therefore I need to take risks in order to get there. To get where? I want to get everywhere, anywhere that isn't here, that isn't structural academic education. We should all just ask ourselves why?

I don't know why, really, why I am here, reading two full books in one day, taking notes within a class where really for the exam I will use my head rather than the two days worth of studying. Preparation is beginning to prove itself useless, especially in a life such as this. I think it would be better for the rest of mankind if university, if the economy, the workforce, existed for a small population of people. It seems to work best for a dominant class, and there seems to be a class of useless drones parading along, doing whatever they can to grab their piece of land for themselves.

To create an individual.

I don't know if you've read any Jungian psychology, but Jung was an academic under Freud, a pupil, who was obsessed with the Oeudipal complex and other such theories, and he had one theory in particular that peaks my interest, called Individualisation.

Jung argues that everyone has a shadow and a persona, two parts of their being that make up their public and hidden, what they want people to see of them (persona) and the things they hide away (shadow). When a person has identified that they have a persona and shadow, and have balanced the two, come to terms, acknowledged, etc. they are Individualised.

When learning these theories, I figured that I had reached Individualisation, by assuming the role of a persona and shadow within my life, and having confidence within that. In hindsight, that was sort of ridiculously naive of me. I hate Jung, a lot. No one knows who they are, and never will, and that is the meaning of life. Everyone is fighting for truth of self, truth of love, and truth of happiness dedicated to their being. Regardless if you devote your life to charity, you are still upholding your self.

Reglardess of dominant classes, ideologies, bullshit, unhappiness, you are searching for you.

And it takes a lifetime, and some people never find themselves, and some people do early on, and some people spend their entire life fighting for a journey they deserve. Everyone deserves happiness, but some people lack the motivation to see through that fog.

I may not see much, but holy shit Batman, do I know, that I know that I deserve to be happy. That is Individualisation for me. I may not be positive one hundred percent of the time, or happy, or in love or cheerful or supportive, or smart or confident or culturally accepted, or engrained in social norms or pretty, but boy do I know that I deserve to be all of those at some time, and I know that in order to be okay with me I have to be okay with the fact that truth is relative.

I truly believe that if I believe it, it is true. These are the obviuos reasons why I hate writing for other people. I hate thinking that I am being judged by someone for ideas that make sense to me inside. I don't think like you.

I'm not like you guys.

But I sort of like seeing the world differently. Yeah, I only see out of one eye and that one is unfocused and lacking detail or colour or anything, but I gots the faith that despite the fact that I have that impairment, I still have the vision. The motivation to discover my truths, my self.

So...I don't have any advice today. I want everyone to just be happy, for atleast a second, knowing that regardless of your beliefs or mindset, status, happiness levels; I love you, and I believe in you, and believe that if you just put a second of thought a day to who you are and your being, you can figure it all out, one day.

take care,

Jess :]