[two hundred, eight]
I was on the way home from work today and had a great idea for today's blog, and I was so excited to get home and type it all out, but today turned out to be just a huge disappointment both at work and in other aspects. I feel like I've been let down, looked down on, and completely disrespected all day. I don't bitch about it, I don't tell people that I'm not perfect or try to make other people feel like shit, but I do note it down, take it into account, that I don't feel fantastic today, and I had a lovely positive post planned, but I think it's going to be different, I guess.
What is it about negativity that draws so many followers? It seems to reel people in, tie the lasoo tight around the necks heads and mouths of those who are most vulnerable. Why do young people dig into it, get down deep in negativity and truly believe that that's the mindset that they should approach? Probably follow by example...
To be perfectly frank, I've decided that if you are negative, and you are down and intentionally manipulate people's feelings to feel down, or are insensitive, you're full of shit. You've had this happen to you before, and I feel like I have never intentionally made anyone feel like shit, or wanted to do so, or meant to, or really anything of the sort, and I don't think it's fair. What, life isn't fair? You know what's not fair? Diseases, deathes, famine, poverty, homelessness; you have a great life if you're reading this because you have a computer and internet and are literate, think baout that for a bit.
Sorry for going on a little rant, I've decided to be positive and if you know me at all you know that I need to be positive in order to continue to breathe everyday. I don't plan on cheering up tonight, so I'll continue on with my reading and politics papers, and figure out some cheery thoughts for tomorrow in order to make it to... I don't even know. There's nothing to look forward to right now, I am trapped. I am stuck in the sand the quick sinking sand and I try to climb out but the grains tighten around my body and pull me down, choke me, and force me into negativity.
Nay Negative, pray positive.
Let's all take a chill minute, that seems to be a trend lately in these, just take a chill pill, maybe some solid comfy crooning, I'm feeling Tony Bennett today, and just take a breather to continue to string out my thoughts. I need to figure out what's going on up there, before I can feel less unsettled, and more positive.
Take care,
Jess :]
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
[catch-up]
My blogspot blog count said two oh six, ergo, I was a blog behind, so this is a catch up, and I feel like being contemporary and pretentious, please.
it breaks you know
it's slow sometimes, and it runs in a line
two lines sometimes,
and it drains wrong, a lot, and it curls up
in the drains when it rains,
it slinks away always,
and doubles the drug dosage to relieve the pain
always, and always,
and it is known to keep through and go
and don't guide right slide ride or try,
right,
always
he crooned a lot under it
slept a lot below it
puked a lot beside it
held it a lot in his hands and cared
a lot for it,
but it was thrown away always
sliced in half
always
and the world turned a lot a while a flow
but that was only sometimes.
focus: what
Jess :]
My blogspot blog count said two oh six, ergo, I was a blog behind, so this is a catch up, and I feel like being contemporary and pretentious, please.
it breaks you know
it's slow sometimes, and it runs in a line
two lines sometimes,
and it drains wrong, a lot, and it curls up
in the drains when it rains,
it slinks away always,
and doubles the drug dosage to relieve the pain
always, and always,
and it is known to keep through and go
and don't guide right slide ride or try,
right,
always
he crooned a lot under it
slept a lot below it
puked a lot beside it
held it a lot in his hands and cared
a lot for it,
but it was thrown away always
sliced in half
always
and the world turned a lot a while a flow
but that was only sometimes.
focus: what
Jess :]
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
scandy-scan the challenge man
[two hundred, seven]
I am finally caught up after this! Which will be awesome until this weekend, in which I will be back down three again, darnit! What to say what to say, today I have been a busy beaver and EXHAUSTED, I've been running non-stop since seven this morning and I don't intend on stopping until eleven tonight, and by then I bet you I'll be passed out somewhere, man oh man am I tired!
Does anyone else like cellery? I really do enjoy it. I like the vegetables that are full of water and are light, because they have such a unique flavour and they can be put on anything or combined with anything like dips or crackers, it just truly brings out the simplicity in taste. I think that sometimes cooking can be too complicated, give me a cracker with a cucumber, salmon cream cheese and a glass of iced tea and I'm good. Honestly, I think the best times are when I'm eating just something and dip, it breaks down the traditional "meal" and takes you a step back, it brings you back to the ground, the cooking common ground.
I don't cook really, sometimes I create concoctions with mixtures of things like nacho chips and tsatziki dip, or baguette and salmon cream cheese, but really I like to keep things relatively simple. I'd love to learn how to make pasta and turkey, but it will take a long time for me to get comfortable in a kitchen, and I intend on becoming as comfortable as possible.
I love food, I love the taste and the smells, but I have to get myself in check I think, especially lately with my work schedule I don't have a lot of time to eat during the day, and I do a lot of activity I feel like I need to eat more earlier in the day so I try to balance everything... I just fail at life generally, but I'm working on it! I do not give up on things easilly, because I always believe that YOU CAN DO IT.
If you know me at all you've heard that and I LIKE YOUR FACE.
I saw a tshirt today at the mall that said 'I love my face,' and I was truly disappointed. I was going to buy one that said the above statement that I love because it truly is the best compliment, but not my own face! Who cares about my face when there are so many beautiful ones out there to see? I admire everyone around me for the things they do, and honestly can't believe some people put up with the shit that they do, you all deserve the best and I do my best to give you the best, while on top of that getting an education and maintaining sanity.
How well is that working for me, now?
So if you love food, or are too busy to eat, or eat too much, or endulge a lot, or eat too little, come on for pete's sake just take a bite. Enjoy it, because some people don't have food at all, and I feel like I say this a lot but it means a lot to me: DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED.
LOVE YOU BYE,
Jess :]
I am finally caught up after this! Which will be awesome until this weekend, in which I will be back down three again, darnit! What to say what to say, today I have been a busy beaver and EXHAUSTED, I've been running non-stop since seven this morning and I don't intend on stopping until eleven tonight, and by then I bet you I'll be passed out somewhere, man oh man am I tired!
Does anyone else like cellery? I really do enjoy it. I like the vegetables that are full of water and are light, because they have such a unique flavour and they can be put on anything or combined with anything like dips or crackers, it just truly brings out the simplicity in taste. I think that sometimes cooking can be too complicated, give me a cracker with a cucumber, salmon cream cheese and a glass of iced tea and I'm good. Honestly, I think the best times are when I'm eating just something and dip, it breaks down the traditional "meal" and takes you a step back, it brings you back to the ground, the cooking common ground.
I don't cook really, sometimes I create concoctions with mixtures of things like nacho chips and tsatziki dip, or baguette and salmon cream cheese, but really I like to keep things relatively simple. I'd love to learn how to make pasta and turkey, but it will take a long time for me to get comfortable in a kitchen, and I intend on becoming as comfortable as possible.
I love food, I love the taste and the smells, but I have to get myself in check I think, especially lately with my work schedule I don't have a lot of time to eat during the day, and I do a lot of activity I feel like I need to eat more earlier in the day so I try to balance everything... I just fail at life generally, but I'm working on it! I do not give up on things easilly, because I always believe that YOU CAN DO IT.
If you know me at all you've heard that and I LIKE YOUR FACE.
I saw a tshirt today at the mall that said 'I love my face,' and I was truly disappointed. I was going to buy one that said the above statement that I love because it truly is the best compliment, but not my own face! Who cares about my face when there are so many beautiful ones out there to see? I admire everyone around me for the things they do, and honestly can't believe some people put up with the shit that they do, you all deserve the best and I do my best to give you the best, while on top of that getting an education and maintaining sanity.
How well is that working for me, now?
So if you love food, or are too busy to eat, or eat too much, or endulge a lot, or eat too little, come on for pete's sake just take a bite. Enjoy it, because some people don't have food at all, and I feel like I say this a lot but it means a lot to me: DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED.
LOVE YOU BYE,
Jess :]
WHY WHY WHY NO NO NO
[two hundred, six]
I am exhausted. I have hit the wall, burnt out, passed every point that could've been a marker for the worst. I love my job. I love my friends. I love my family. I love having plans and homework and being busy. But for the love of old bananas do I need a break. I can't wait to move into the house at school because for atleast one or two nights I'm going to be alone. I'm going to make my own meals in my own house. I am going to shower in my own bathroom, I am going to read books and relax in a home that I will prepare for my lovely housemates so that we can enjoy a lovely year there. I want to just get a break.
This is summer vacation, after all!
So if you are on vacation, working hard, take a minny tonight and turn on some Marvin Gaye, and dance a little. Take a little break. You deserve it, and it is worth it, and all I can say it that it may be hard and it may be long and tiring, it may be hard to get through mentally physically and in every other way, but this is your life it is happening now, you can't regret it or change it, this is making you you, so love it.
love,
Jess :]
I am exhausted. I have hit the wall, burnt out, passed every point that could've been a marker for the worst. I love my job. I love my friends. I love my family. I love having plans and homework and being busy. But for the love of old bananas do I need a break. I can't wait to move into the house at school because for atleast one or two nights I'm going to be alone. I'm going to make my own meals in my own house. I am going to shower in my own bathroom, I am going to read books and relax in a home that I will prepare for my lovely housemates so that we can enjoy a lovely year there. I want to just get a break.
This is summer vacation, after all!
So if you are on vacation, working hard, take a minny tonight and turn on some Marvin Gaye, and dance a little. Take a little break. You deserve it, and it is worth it, and all I can say it that it may be hard and it may be long and tiring, it may be hard to get through mentally physically and in every other way, but this is your life it is happening now, you can't regret it or change it, this is making you you, so love it.
love,
Jess :]
one out of three
[two hundred, five]
I like it when everyone gets on the same plain, whenever everyone starts talking the same language, when diversity becomes a faded backdrop, and the world becomes clearer to those who know the code, the anagrammed few that understand the world the way they should take it into their hands to continue on the language. Promote the distinction between the integration of mask wearers and those that are true, honest, beings that continue on the trend. Promote the segregation of failure with learning. If we wanted a hardship, we would've built the next Titanic.
And it sinks a lot, I felt it, because when things sink they slump to the bottom and the world swirls around the towering waters, and the glass eyes rolls upwards towards heaven, and the grass disappears and the worms sing, the worms sing, the worm sings.
If the lit world laughed like a little life free-loader, the lit life would linger on. The dim lighted Lordhsip of long ago, the remembered, the loved and damned, everything spread on a plain for the people to see, and the people shook in their shoes as they realised, as the recognised the reality.
The end.
focus: the end.
Jess :]
I like it when everyone gets on the same plain, whenever everyone starts talking the same language, when diversity becomes a faded backdrop, and the world becomes clearer to those who know the code, the anagrammed few that understand the world the way they should take it into their hands to continue on the language. Promote the distinction between the integration of mask wearers and those that are true, honest, beings that continue on the trend. Promote the segregation of failure with learning. If we wanted a hardship, we would've built the next Titanic.
And it sinks a lot, I felt it, because when things sink they slump to the bottom and the world swirls around the towering waters, and the glass eyes rolls upwards towards heaven, and the grass disappears and the worms sing, the worms sing, the worm sings.
If the lit world laughed like a little life free-loader, the lit life would linger on. The dim lighted Lordhsip of long ago, the remembered, the loved and damned, everything spread on a plain for the people to see, and the people shook in their shoes as they realised, as the recognised the reality.
The end.
focus: the end.
Jess :]
Sunday, July 24, 2011
just a little bit
[two hundred, four]
It came to me in a dream in a complete circle scene, and I knew right then that there was not enough to handle me to bring me up and in. I looked at the circles, they were round, obvious, but they were something else. They illuminated all that could not be seen, the red velvet closings and the dim dull blunt objects in and out of oblivion, but the whole world didn't stop for shining circles. The circles were bright, and made a smile begin to grow a lot on my face, and that of the person holding my hand to the right, and the other to my left, and for once I didn't feel alone or scared to be at the end soon, or to be at the end of the dull dim ditch of dirt bag and devestation, I was alright to be in the clear, to be in the transparent light the loving light, the light that broadcasted pure and utter happiness upon it's smiling vendors. And in the event that all would be lost, I knew that it would not be long in order to maintain and gain the confidence again to stand back up on the shoulders, to view, and to take control.
focus: yup.
Jess :]
It came to me in a dream in a complete circle scene, and I knew right then that there was not enough to handle me to bring me up and in. I looked at the circles, they were round, obvious, but they were something else. They illuminated all that could not be seen, the red velvet closings and the dim dull blunt objects in and out of oblivion, but the whole world didn't stop for shining circles. The circles were bright, and made a smile begin to grow a lot on my face, and that of the person holding my hand to the right, and the other to my left, and for once I didn't feel alone or scared to be at the end soon, or to be at the end of the dull dim ditch of dirt bag and devestation, I was alright to be in the clear, to be in the transparent light the loving light, the light that broadcasted pure and utter happiness upon it's smiling vendors. And in the event that all would be lost, I knew that it would not be long in order to maintain and gain the confidence again to stand back up on the shoulders, to view, and to take control.
focus: yup.
Jess :]
lolskies
[two hundred, three]
I have to catch up on three blogs today, so, I'm going to write two today, and then two tomorrow, and then BAM I will be caught up! To be perfectly honest, I love my blog and all, but it is hard to think of new things to write about everyday. I want to write about my friends right now, so, there ya go.
I love them. A lot. They know me like they should, they know when I'm truly happy or when I'm faking it, when I need a hug or when I need a lecture. I would really enjoy some more, but if I never get anymore friends in my life I'd be happy and plain as peaches, I love them, I love them all.
I just wanted to give appreciation where it fits, and to my bestest buddies are the best places for these fittings of love, because they deserve it, they deserve happiness and love and devotion, and I'm here to give as much as needed, the dreamy dose of love.
So if you have friends that are awesome and you can't live without, let them know today, they need that, I know they do, and they'll be thankful. I promise, also, thanks for reading.
take care,
Jess :]
I have to catch up on three blogs today, so, I'm going to write two today, and then two tomorrow, and then BAM I will be caught up! To be perfectly honest, I love my blog and all, but it is hard to think of new things to write about everyday. I want to write about my friends right now, so, there ya go.
I love them. A lot. They know me like they should, they know when I'm truly happy or when I'm faking it, when I need a hug or when I need a lecture. I would really enjoy some more, but if I never get anymore friends in my life I'd be happy and plain as peaches, I love them, I love them all.
I just wanted to give appreciation where it fits, and to my bestest buddies are the best places for these fittings of love, because they deserve it, they deserve happiness and love and devotion, and I'm here to give as much as needed, the dreamy dose of love.
So if you have friends that are awesome and you can't live without, let them know today, they need that, I know they do, and they'll be thankful. I promise, also, thanks for reading.
take care,
Jess :]
Thursday, July 21, 2011
hereandNOW
[one hundred, two]
Bring it down you know, like Elvis. Or the alps, is it really night all the time in the arctic? Does the world have to be so hot lately? Heat waves are inconvenient. Is it one space after punctuation or two? Like after a period? I'm so confused about those types of things, like punctuations and grammars, I want to just write and not have to worry about capitalization, and commas andspacesand normal organisation of text. I dig the contemporary bs that english majors dream about, the type of bs that covers the entity of modern poetry. I think that things are dull and grey, but everything that is except today. I have a terrible hatred for my glasses. I love the name Elinore, will anyone let me name my child elinore? I love that name. I think that lots of people need to just forget about crap and smile a lot more. Wow I dig people who are happy, but I feel like loneliness is an epidemic lately. We should get everyone together to hug, and kiss, and be merry. Don't try too hard, just be okay with you and all that stuff. I love you the way you are, and stuff. I'm really vague lately, I'd dig some lemonade right now.
take a load off for me,
Jess :]
Bring it down you know, like Elvis. Or the alps, is it really night all the time in the arctic? Does the world have to be so hot lately? Heat waves are inconvenient. Is it one space after punctuation or two? Like after a period? I'm so confused about those types of things, like punctuations and grammars, I want to just write and not have to worry about capitalization, and commas andspacesand normal organisation of text. I dig the contemporary bs that english majors dream about, the type of bs that covers the entity of modern poetry. I think that things are dull and grey, but everything that is except today. I have a terrible hatred for my glasses. I love the name Elinore, will anyone let me name my child elinore? I love that name. I think that lots of people need to just forget about crap and smile a lot more. Wow I dig people who are happy, but I feel like loneliness is an epidemic lately. We should get everyone together to hug, and kiss, and be merry. Don't try too hard, just be okay with you and all that stuff. I love you the way you are, and stuff. I'm really vague lately, I'd dig some lemonade right now.
take a load off for me,
Jess :]
help me, RHONDA
[two hundred, one]
What do you want with your life? What do you want? Why is happiness so frustrating to attain maintain and need. Why do things always sit down and sink instead of float without a device without a jacket without some sort of life guard six pack fairytale jumping in after you? Life jackets in reality is a strong heart and a tight hand to hold, and some inspirational music.
Today on the bus I was listening to my end of the world soundtrack, which included some Arctic Monkeys, a little bit of Journey, and my favourite, 'spirit in the sky'. It's one song that always pumps me up, and I am far from structurally religious. I love this song because it's from my favourite musical time period, and I absolutely adore this song because it just gets me going.
If you've got music that gets you goin', let it be some sort of beatles mix or top forty BS, just take it out and listen to it for a bit right now. It's worth it, because the heat is blistering and the sun is bright, the world is moving really fast and although the wind may blow hot air everywhere you can still smile, a lot.
I like smiling.
So anyways, I spent the day with the kids again, so I'm all tuckered out. Tomorrow's an office day, phone calls long to-do list. Tonight I'm going to catch up on blogs and then start writing some budget lists for fall clothes/expenses, August move in schedules, exam prep, schedule in general, and all sorts of things! I am sort of excited but not really, you know, but I do get to watch tv and relax, finally, some down time. This weekend I'm going to my friends' house for a partay! YAY.
love always,
JEss :]
What do you want with your life? What do you want? Why is happiness so frustrating to attain maintain and need. Why do things always sit down and sink instead of float without a device without a jacket without some sort of life guard six pack fairytale jumping in after you? Life jackets in reality is a strong heart and a tight hand to hold, and some inspirational music.
Today on the bus I was listening to my end of the world soundtrack, which included some Arctic Monkeys, a little bit of Journey, and my favourite, 'spirit in the sky'. It's one song that always pumps me up, and I am far from structurally religious. I love this song because it's from my favourite musical time period, and I absolutely adore this song because it just gets me going.
If you've got music that gets you goin', let it be some sort of beatles mix or top forty BS, just take it out and listen to it for a bit right now. It's worth it, because the heat is blistering and the sun is bright, the world is moving really fast and although the wind may blow hot air everywhere you can still smile, a lot.
I like smiling.
So anyways, I spent the day with the kids again, so I'm all tuckered out. Tomorrow's an office day, phone calls long to-do list. Tonight I'm going to catch up on blogs and then start writing some budget lists for fall clothes/expenses, August move in schedules, exam prep, schedule in general, and all sorts of things! I am sort of excited but not really, you know, but I do get to watch tv and relax, finally, some down time. This weekend I'm going to my friends' house for a partay! YAY.
love always,
JEss :]
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
let's be friends
[TWO HUNDRED]
I was thinking today that the small efforts in life that anyone can make like a hand shake or the opening of a door, is something that effects everyone differently, but otherwise is generally similar in all cultures. Little things like smiles, like incentives, words of wisdom or good fortune, hugs. If you don't appreciate these things, you have no choice but to appreciate the thought at least, the intention. It is unbeluievably rude to deny an intention, especially the good ones.
I think everyone would be a lot happier with better intentions. For example, when someone walks into a grocery store, and they're waiting in line with their potatoe bag and canned tuna, and they go to set down their items on the conveyor belt, the person infront of them will probably grab the stick separator that disconnects the items of the person infront from the person behind,. This action is purely for politeness, and common, and it actually really well recieved among humans everywhere. It shows respect and dignity for the person behind's items, and it shows pride that there is a disconnect there, and it truly it just a soft gesture of kindness.
I like it when people do nice things for other people. Even if the intentions are the only nice thing there, it is supposed to be a nice thing, so recieve it as such.
That's what happens when little kids try to do nice things. Their intention is good, wanting to help put the dishes away, but when everything is in its wrong spot, take it with a grain of salt, because they were trying to help. Don't get frustrated, show them where to put the things next time, and thank them this time. This is common courtesy, and commonly common knowledge.
But some people I've noticed lately have no clue what is appropriate when it comes to sensitivity and kindness, and it is disappointing.
So today, if you see someone in your life who you think deserves a break, do something nice for them, or anyone! Take my advice, it's fufilling, I promise!
Love and hugs,
Jess :]
I was thinking today that the small efforts in life that anyone can make like a hand shake or the opening of a door, is something that effects everyone differently, but otherwise is generally similar in all cultures. Little things like smiles, like incentives, words of wisdom or good fortune, hugs. If you don't appreciate these things, you have no choice but to appreciate the thought at least, the intention. It is unbeluievably rude to deny an intention, especially the good ones.
I think everyone would be a lot happier with better intentions. For example, when someone walks into a grocery store, and they're waiting in line with their potatoe bag and canned tuna, and they go to set down their items on the conveyor belt, the person infront of them will probably grab the stick separator that disconnects the items of the person infront from the person behind,. This action is purely for politeness, and common, and it actually really well recieved among humans everywhere. It shows respect and dignity for the person behind's items, and it shows pride that there is a disconnect there, and it truly it just a soft gesture of kindness.
I like it when people do nice things for other people. Even if the intentions are the only nice thing there, it is supposed to be a nice thing, so recieve it as such.
That's what happens when little kids try to do nice things. Their intention is good, wanting to help put the dishes away, but when everything is in its wrong spot, take it with a grain of salt, because they were trying to help. Don't get frustrated, show them where to put the things next time, and thank them this time. This is common courtesy, and commonly common knowledge.
But some people I've noticed lately have no clue what is appropriate when it comes to sensitivity and kindness, and it is disappointing.
So today, if you see someone in your life who you think deserves a break, do something nice for them, or anyone! Take my advice, it's fufilling, I promise!
Love and hugs,
Jess :]
husha boom
[one hundred, ninety-nine]
bring me downtown with the stick it did
it brought me farther than the rest ever could have imagined
with its dripping sticky straw stuck and all, it went down like a cough
like a saw, like a twelve-inch knife swinging at the top
the stick drew me up, and sliced down
and it hit me with a force as if the oceans caved in
and the whole world jumped at its shattering, but they did for me
they did for everyone, the world always jumps for the stick,
the stick says jump and the world's already in the air
one step ahead of it all, one step beforehand backwards
and always running the same race, what is this, a rerun marathon?
if it really would work could work should, then the whole world
wouldn't be jumping, but they'd be maximising
and sympathizing
and crying for us all with the stick, the big
round
chapped stick of hell, the stick that brings down the walls
and the churches
and the capitalist borgeois schemes of late,
the stick that brings management to the forefront falling homestead
of the administrative others that help the front desk
and sit behind and infront, that inject the patients
and brood over sheets of paperwork day in out over every ways
to maintain the strain that the big shots gain
and are paid in vain,
for other people's
pain
but the stick it knows the shows, it calls the shots for the grown ups
the little ones, the ones who have yet to live
yet to swim in the ocean of life, but the stick breaks down the walls
and itbites like teeth, venomous, strong teeth,
that will someday crush and tatter the remains for us, the given, the unfortunate us
interconnected frozen wires of lifeless beds
streaming a conscious breath as the waitresses pass out the packets of blood
and sucked lemon drops, and coined phrases of woe
and if there was a larger nuissance say nay for it would be but the stick
the stick with its sunshine and its roses and its thornbush underbelly
the stick with its naked, protruding head sticking a shiny shaved head
into the world
into the us,
we plead for its negativity to release and be shamed into hiding
from the world but the world calls to it
and needs it
for it to ring in, even more
and if the stick stood firm on the grounds of us
and the grounds of life and death
and the grounds of the whirlwind royalty
it will stay.
focus: guess
Jess :]
bring me downtown with the stick it did
it brought me farther than the rest ever could have imagined
with its dripping sticky straw stuck and all, it went down like a cough
like a saw, like a twelve-inch knife swinging at the top
the stick drew me up, and sliced down
and it hit me with a force as if the oceans caved in
and the whole world jumped at its shattering, but they did for me
they did for everyone, the world always jumps for the stick,
the stick says jump and the world's already in the air
one step ahead of it all, one step beforehand backwards
and always running the same race, what is this, a rerun marathon?
if it really would work could work should, then the whole world
wouldn't be jumping, but they'd be maximising
and sympathizing
and crying for us all with the stick, the big
round
chapped stick of hell, the stick that brings down the walls
and the churches
and the capitalist borgeois schemes of late,
the stick that brings management to the forefront falling homestead
of the administrative others that help the front desk
and sit behind and infront, that inject the patients
and brood over sheets of paperwork day in out over every ways
to maintain the strain that the big shots gain
and are paid in vain,
for other people's
pain
but the stick it knows the shows, it calls the shots for the grown ups
the little ones, the ones who have yet to live
yet to swim in the ocean of life, but the stick breaks down the walls
and itbites like teeth, venomous, strong teeth,
that will someday crush and tatter the remains for us, the given, the unfortunate us
interconnected frozen wires of lifeless beds
streaming a conscious breath as the waitresses pass out the packets of blood
and sucked lemon drops, and coined phrases of woe
and if there was a larger nuissance say nay for it would be but the stick
the stick with its sunshine and its roses and its thornbush underbelly
the stick with its naked, protruding head sticking a shiny shaved head
into the world
into the us,
we plead for its negativity to release and be shamed into hiding
from the world but the world calls to it
and needs it
for it to ring in, even more
and if the stick stood firm on the grounds of us
and the grounds of life and death
and the grounds of the whirlwind royalty
it will stay.
focus: guess
Jess :]
heartless
pone hundred, sixty-eight]
i hate that so many people are ignorant and intolerant. i was working with the kids and someone asked what was wrong with them. someone said they felt bad for them. they aren't unhappy, they are strong and beautiful and the biggest inspiration. everyday of my life i will remember each of them and think of how easy i have it, regardless of my disability, regardless of my sight, regardless of my education or family situation, i am strong and there will always be someone who has it worse, and someone who has it better, and these kids have no knowledge of either way, they are just ready for life and happy and excited to be there, and they smile everyday.
THEIR SMILE IS THE REASON I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.
and no big headed, snot nosed, ignorant, helpless, heartless, vain, intolerant, idiotic staring jerk who walks by and is either afraid or ignorant of these kids will stand in my way of those smiles, because I like their faces, their little smiling, beautiful, happy faces, because they remind me that man, life is good. These kids who've never seen their favourite colours, or my face, or even their bedrooms but love music and reading and dancing and animals, and they love to play sports and be independent and sing, they are absolutely fantastic, and they deserve a lot more than they get.
That's why I get up in the morning, to protect them, and teach them to protect themselves, from the heartless.
love,
Jess :]
i hate that so many people are ignorant and intolerant. i was working with the kids and someone asked what was wrong with them. someone said they felt bad for them. they aren't unhappy, they are strong and beautiful and the biggest inspiration. everyday of my life i will remember each of them and think of how easy i have it, regardless of my disability, regardless of my sight, regardless of my education or family situation, i am strong and there will always be someone who has it worse, and someone who has it better, and these kids have no knowledge of either way, they are just ready for life and happy and excited to be there, and they smile everyday.
THEIR SMILE IS THE REASON I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.
and no big headed, snot nosed, ignorant, helpless, heartless, vain, intolerant, idiotic staring jerk who walks by and is either afraid or ignorant of these kids will stand in my way of those smiles, because I like their faces, their little smiling, beautiful, happy faces, because they remind me that man, life is good. These kids who've never seen their favourite colours, or my face, or even their bedrooms but love music and reading and dancing and animals, and they love to play sports and be independent and sing, they are absolutely fantastic, and they deserve a lot more than they get.
That's why I get up in the morning, to protect them, and teach them to protect themselves, from the heartless.
love,
Jess :]
figures and shapes around the face of clocks in time
[one hundred, ninety-seven]
There's this feeling that feels like I am running on a treadmill but no advances are made, no success achieved, no ground gained. I feel like I'm stuck in place, things aren't moving fast enough for me yet, they need to get a kick in the ass to get going, and soon. I would like to fast forward a bit, maybe a month, just about a month would be beautiful, actually.
I am always tired, I am always cranky and bitchy. I want to be happy again, let's get out of the sweltering heat and back into the comfortable half-n-half of spring and fall. Bring me the fall.
Short one today, catchin' up!
Jess :]
There's this feeling that feels like I am running on a treadmill but no advances are made, no success achieved, no ground gained. I feel like I'm stuck in place, things aren't moving fast enough for me yet, they need to get a kick in the ass to get going, and soon. I would like to fast forward a bit, maybe a month, just about a month would be beautiful, actually.
I am always tired, I am always cranky and bitchy. I want to be happy again, let's get out of the sweltering heat and back into the comfortable half-n-half of spring and fall. Bring me the fall.
Short one today, catchin' up!
Jess :]
Friday, July 15, 2011
laugh it up break room radical
[one hundred, ninety-six]
This could be the beginning of a beautiful weekend.
And I truly believe that, I had a lovely night and I think that this whole weekend will be wonderful. I kind of hate the fact that I'm sick, and it hurts my feelings that it has happened now, but it will go away hopefully soon, so, that's good news.
Also, I've been feeling like I need to do something with my life, so I'm, starting to get really into things now. Is that stupid? I am really into people. I am really into tv shows movies and music, obviously. I am really into writing and magazine advertisements. I am into things, I just would like to be into lots of other things. I enjoy things.
So if you enjoy things, and would like to enjoy things with other people who enjoy things, I'd go out there and find those people, because last night, while I was waiting for eight hours with the other Harry Potter people, we all were in a large encumbering awesome realm of fabulous, because we all were into the same thing. I love people, a lot a lot.
I would enjoy some orange slices right now, some orange slices and a red gatorade. Why? Because I think it would be a wonderful little thing to eat. And some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and some tsatziki. So anyways, I am in a terrific mood.
This kid, the boy with a girlfriend, one of the coolest most awesome rad people I've met at school is coming to visit me tomorrow, and I don't know if I'll be able to sleep I'm so excited! that's a lie, I'll pass out in a half hour, I'm truly exhausted. But in all honesty it'll be better to be well rested! Because the PSEUDO OWLS UNITE TOMORROW!
I'm uncool.
LOVE YOOOU,
Jess :]
This could be the beginning of a beautiful weekend.
And I truly believe that, I had a lovely night and I think that this whole weekend will be wonderful. I kind of hate the fact that I'm sick, and it hurts my feelings that it has happened now, but it will go away hopefully soon, so, that's good news.
Also, I've been feeling like I need to do something with my life, so I'm, starting to get really into things now. Is that stupid? I am really into people. I am really into tv shows movies and music, obviously. I am really into writing and magazine advertisements. I am into things, I just would like to be into lots of other things. I enjoy things.
So if you enjoy things, and would like to enjoy things with other people who enjoy things, I'd go out there and find those people, because last night, while I was waiting for eight hours with the other Harry Potter people, we all were in a large encumbering awesome realm of fabulous, because we all were into the same thing. I love people, a lot a lot.
I would enjoy some orange slices right now, some orange slices and a red gatorade. Why? Because I think it would be a wonderful little thing to eat. And some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and some tsatziki. So anyways, I am in a terrific mood.
This kid, the boy with a girlfriend, one of the coolest most awesome rad people I've met at school is coming to visit me tomorrow, and I don't know if I'll be able to sleep I'm so excited! that's a lie, I'll pass out in a half hour, I'm truly exhausted. But in all honesty it'll be better to be well rested! Because the PSEUDO OWLS UNITE TOMORROW!
I'm uncool.
LOVE YOOOU,
Jess :]
end
[one hundred, ninety-five[
This will be short, and there are reasons behind this, but I have been in the deepest, darkest denial since last night at three in the morning. I want to be happy that the premiere is over, but truly, honestly, I want to go and see it again, I want to be involved in the movie from now until it is out of theatres. It was incredible, and I want to read the books again as soon as possible. Right now, actually, if that could happen, I would be reading the first book with my actual eyes. This is the end, and it has been the love of my life and will continue to be the love of my life for the rest of my life, because it was my first love, and it will continue to be important to me.
take care, hope you've got some passion in your life, because impassionate people piss me off. Let's think of some more p words.
love,
Jess :]
This will be short, and there are reasons behind this, but I have been in the deepest, darkest denial since last night at three in the morning. I want to be happy that the premiere is over, but truly, honestly, I want to go and see it again, I want to be involved in the movie from now until it is out of theatres. It was incredible, and I want to read the books again as soon as possible. Right now, actually, if that could happen, I would be reading the first book with my actual eyes. This is the end, and it has been the love of my life and will continue to be the love of my life for the rest of my life, because it was my first love, and it will continue to be important to me.
take care, hope you've got some passion in your life, because impassionate people piss me off. Let's think of some more p words.
love,
Jess :]
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
weight
[one hundred, ninety-four]
Well, I've been working eight hour days, going home and doing schoolwork, seeing people and socialising, having a summer, and then not sleeping well at night for a while now, and to be perfectly honest, I'm burning out. I feel really sick today, and I'm trying to take some notes on my music homework but it's such a looong bit today. Elton John and Bowie were today, so I'm happy about it. I wanted to just relax this weekend, now I won't be, and I also won't be next weekend, and I'm just disappointed at this point. Let's just take what we got, I guess, and figure that this would be an alright weekend.
Oh yes, Harry Potter tomorrow, so, yeah, sort of bittersweet, but it is going to be fantastic.
love,
Jess :]
Well, I've been working eight hour days, going home and doing schoolwork, seeing people and socialising, having a summer, and then not sleeping well at night for a while now, and to be perfectly honest, I'm burning out. I feel really sick today, and I'm trying to take some notes on my music homework but it's such a looong bit today. Elton John and Bowie were today, so I'm happy about it. I wanted to just relax this weekend, now I won't be, and I also won't be next weekend, and I'm just disappointed at this point. Let's just take what we got, I guess, and figure that this would be an alright weekend.
Oh yes, Harry Potter tomorrow, so, yeah, sort of bittersweet, but it is going to be fantastic.
love,
Jess :]
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
just call me Queenie and I'll call you Mcster
[one hundred, ninety-three]
Curdling in a most ugly fashion, the dear boy poured the silky smooth white into the soft pale yellow, it into nothing but a mess. His eagerness was no match for the train tracks the glass was sitting on, the young boy stared as the glass teetered, then fell. They lay point blank on the gravel, the hot sun above drove the crouching boy crazy in his soft lament, his science experiment, his masterpiece, his dreams were shattered among the weeds and grass. The dear boy stood smiling as though he had swindled griefm but in truth he was unforgiving.
focus: entry for a weekly flash fiction contest, this is my first time! I will update on the results, this is so exciting because it has requirements that are sort of prompts. It needed to be one hundred words and have three specific words included. I enjoyed writing it, and I hope to write more in the future!
Other things about today: spending money is bitterwsweet. I love to do it, but I hate not having enough money for everything I want. I bought a six dollar teapot last night, bright orange, beat that. I don't enjoy it when people change plans, but I suppose that most times it is for a reason, just like everything else. I have to remind myself of that everytime anything happens. I wouldn't be as strong as I am if it weren't for all of my surgeries and everything I've gone through. I wouldn't be so caring or loving if I hadn't truly believed that's what people want in friends. There is so many things I am grateful for, but somehow the unexpected needs to be appreciated, because it moulds who you are.
I got myself down pat!
Even though I had a melt down today, that's just because I don't get used to things quickly. I like change to an extent, but it takes me a little while to get used to different things. Different people I need to be warmed up to. Different situations. All kinds of things. It wasn't a panic attack, but it was definitely a meltdown. Goal for the nexst month: Less tantrusm.
love and hugs,
Jess :]
Curdling in a most ugly fashion, the dear boy poured the silky smooth white into the soft pale yellow, it into nothing but a mess. His eagerness was no match for the train tracks the glass was sitting on, the young boy stared as the glass teetered, then fell. They lay point blank on the gravel, the hot sun above drove the crouching boy crazy in his soft lament, his science experiment, his masterpiece, his dreams were shattered among the weeds and grass. The dear boy stood smiling as though he had swindled griefm but in truth he was unforgiving.
focus: entry for a weekly flash fiction contest, this is my first time! I will update on the results, this is so exciting because it has requirements that are sort of prompts. It needed to be one hundred words and have three specific words included. I enjoyed writing it, and I hope to write more in the future!
Other things about today: spending money is bitterwsweet. I love to do it, but I hate not having enough money for everything I want. I bought a six dollar teapot last night, bright orange, beat that. I don't enjoy it when people change plans, but I suppose that most times it is for a reason, just like everything else. I have to remind myself of that everytime anything happens. I wouldn't be as strong as I am if it weren't for all of my surgeries and everything I've gone through. I wouldn't be so caring or loving if I hadn't truly believed that's what people want in friends. There is so many things I am grateful for, but somehow the unexpected needs to be appreciated, because it moulds who you are.
I got myself down pat!
Even though I had a melt down today, that's just because I don't get used to things quickly. I like change to an extent, but it takes me a little while to get used to different things. Different people I need to be warmed up to. Different situations. All kinds of things. It wasn't a panic attack, but it was definitely a meltdown. Goal for the nexst month: Less tantrusm.
love and hugs,
Jess :]
Monday, July 11, 2011
this is not a test
[one hundred, ninety-two]
Nobody reads this so I'm trying not to deem it pointless, because it truly is for myself, and I'm envious of not critiquing my blogs, because I feel like they should be long everyday, but I don't have enough thoughts to fill up a page... Well I do, but not all that fit together. So it would be lovely if you do read this to tell me, just so I know my audience. Letting you know now I don't expect any takers, like at all.
So anyways, I have fallen back in love with cheese and crackers, and if it is any consolation I would like to remind everyone that it is inappropriate to mention unhealthiness around elementary school-children during the summer, it is impolite.
Also, I hate my internet. If I didn't have such bad internet I could watch shows without stopping to load, but I do not have that luxury, so I am stuck writing blogs while they load, which isn't really a stuck-in-the-mud situation, more of an alright-deal-with-the-rocks-thrown-at-me situation...
My eyes hurt a lot today.
It would be nice if I wasn't so flubbery and had rock hard abs, but that's not happening, so you're going to have to deal with me from now on the way I am. I eat healthy, I am active, I just can't get the tummy to go away, so hop off my back, everyone, because I am me and I AM OKAY WITH THAT.
love always,
Jess :]
Nobody reads this so I'm trying not to deem it pointless, because it truly is for myself, and I'm envious of not critiquing my blogs, because I feel like they should be long everyday, but I don't have enough thoughts to fill up a page... Well I do, but not all that fit together. So it would be lovely if you do read this to tell me, just so I know my audience. Letting you know now I don't expect any takers, like at all.
So anyways, I have fallen back in love with cheese and crackers, and if it is any consolation I would like to remind everyone that it is inappropriate to mention unhealthiness around elementary school-children during the summer, it is impolite.
Also, I hate my internet. If I didn't have such bad internet I could watch shows without stopping to load, but I do not have that luxury, so I am stuck writing blogs while they load, which isn't really a stuck-in-the-mud situation, more of an alright-deal-with-the-rocks-thrown-at-me situation...
My eyes hurt a lot today.
It would be nice if I wasn't so flubbery and had rock hard abs, but that's not happening, so you're going to have to deal with me from now on the way I am. I eat healthy, I am active, I just can't get the tummy to go away, so hop off my back, everyone, because I am me and I AM OKAY WITH THAT.
love always,
Jess :]
Sunday, July 10, 2011
and it flashes because I can see it
[one hundred, ninety-one]
I haven't been able to sleep lately, at night I lay there and listen too much. I listen to my breathing, and listen to the house settling, and listen to all of the little noises that are usually background and insignificant, but for some reason my ears decide to pick up on them sensitively for the past couple of days, and it is unfortunately causing me to not sleep well at all, and I hope this ends soon, because honestly, I need my sleep, bad.
Don't you just love my inclusive commas? I used them a lot in that last paragraph my apologies. I've been having the weird feeling again, that wheezing, encompassing, heartfelt feeling that makes me feel like there's something missing. It is a twinge, and only happens sometimes, and really it hurts a lot when it does. I want to cry sometimes, I want to be happy and be smiling but then there's times where I'd rather stay in bed and dream again, it is like before earlier this year when I was feeling like something was missing, but it isn't as bad right now, it's almost like I'm missing something or anticipating things to change. I may hate change, and I may actually love it sometimes, but it truly isn't the best plain to be on, because it isn't well named, it isn't plain at all, it is designed and confusing and unfortunate.
I would really like to be adequetely feeling, some solid stable inbetween, average, not extreme feeling emotions that hurt or overwhelm. encompass, dripping with thoughts ideas and being. I don't like being this way. I don't like the wheezing, I don't like this.
But I like to be comfortable, and I am comfortable, here I am now, being happy, being still. I like to be still.
So take a couple minutes soon and relax, and be still, because sometimes it's nice to just be stable, to be content, just to be, in the place that you are, and be happy and not have to feel anything bad, because bad feelings isn't nice.
love,
Jess :]
I haven't been able to sleep lately, at night I lay there and listen too much. I listen to my breathing, and listen to the house settling, and listen to all of the little noises that are usually background and insignificant, but for some reason my ears decide to pick up on them sensitively for the past couple of days, and it is unfortunately causing me to not sleep well at all, and I hope this ends soon, because honestly, I need my sleep, bad.
Don't you just love my inclusive commas? I used them a lot in that last paragraph my apologies. I've been having the weird feeling again, that wheezing, encompassing, heartfelt feeling that makes me feel like there's something missing. It is a twinge, and only happens sometimes, and really it hurts a lot when it does. I want to cry sometimes, I want to be happy and be smiling but then there's times where I'd rather stay in bed and dream again, it is like before earlier this year when I was feeling like something was missing, but it isn't as bad right now, it's almost like I'm missing something or anticipating things to change. I may hate change, and I may actually love it sometimes, but it truly isn't the best plain to be on, because it isn't well named, it isn't plain at all, it is designed and confusing and unfortunate.
I would really like to be adequetely feeling, some solid stable inbetween, average, not extreme feeling emotions that hurt or overwhelm. encompass, dripping with thoughts ideas and being. I don't like being this way. I don't like the wheezing, I don't like this.
But I like to be comfortable, and I am comfortable, here I am now, being happy, being still. I like to be still.
So take a couple minutes soon and relax, and be still, because sometimes it's nice to just be stable, to be content, just to be, in the place that you are, and be happy and not have to feel anything bad, because bad feelings isn't nice.
love,
Jess :]
stop, hey whats that sound?
[one hundred, ninety[
Let us be frank, we know that we're different
we know that we have too mcuh on our mind
we know that we're smart and stuff
we know that you don't understand what goes on inside
we know how to count by two's and tie our shoes
we know the difference between right and wrong, usually
we know all kinds of things
like reading and spelling
and horoscopes
but most of all
we know that we can do anything,
right?
focus: i don't know, things that we know, women i guess, I'm not really a feminist, I'm more of a pro-equality kind of lady, so I suppose this could be for teenagers, or young adults, or people in university, since we're misunderstood as drones, nah, we know things, we're just taught a certain way, ya know?
love,
Jess :]
Let us be frank, we know that we're different
we know that we have too mcuh on our mind
we know that we're smart and stuff
we know that you don't understand what goes on inside
we know how to count by two's and tie our shoes
we know the difference between right and wrong, usually
we know all kinds of things
like reading and spelling
and horoscopes
but most of all
we know that we can do anything,
right?
focus: i don't know, things that we know, women i guess, I'm not really a feminist, I'm more of a pro-equality kind of lady, so I suppose this could be for teenagers, or young adults, or people in university, since we're misunderstood as drones, nah, we know things, we're just taught a certain way, ya know?
love,
Jess :]
Friday, July 8, 2011
let's write write for our life
[one hundred, eighty-nine]
I need to write an essay in an hour in about twenty minutes, and I really hope that it works out and I will be able to actually write the entire first draft and not get halfway through. I am also debating on what to have for dinner, possibly eggs and some carrots, I think that sounds delectable.
I hate people who drive, because they're all obnoxious and in a hurry. If you have an issue with pedestrians, take a day being legally blind and then get back up on your high horse and try to not wait, just try it. Also, I desire to ride the bus alone, maybe I'll try that next week? I think it's a good idea, will save money on cabs...That suck.
I hate cabs, because it is always so silent in the backseat, and in the ebent that the driver actually does talk, it's always so forced and awkward, and it is an expensive drive home to say the least. It is the way I must be transported, however, so I guess I shall be used to it ebentually.
I am going to the beach for the weekend, so I'm going to tan and go swimming and things, and it will be a marvelous break! This means I need to catch up on my blog posts again on Sunday, so, I will actually do that. I am in a good mood, could really use a relaxing long drive though, which will be achieved this evening! But alas I must end this random mixed post and begin to write this essay! Hurray!
Take care,
Jess :]
I need to write an essay in an hour in about twenty minutes, and I really hope that it works out and I will be able to actually write the entire first draft and not get halfway through. I am also debating on what to have for dinner, possibly eggs and some carrots, I think that sounds delectable.
I hate people who drive, because they're all obnoxious and in a hurry. If you have an issue with pedestrians, take a day being legally blind and then get back up on your high horse and try to not wait, just try it. Also, I desire to ride the bus alone, maybe I'll try that next week? I think it's a good idea, will save money on cabs...That suck.
I hate cabs, because it is always so silent in the backseat, and in the ebent that the driver actually does talk, it's always so forced and awkward, and it is an expensive drive home to say the least. It is the way I must be transported, however, so I guess I shall be used to it ebentually.
I am going to the beach for the weekend, so I'm going to tan and go swimming and things, and it will be a marvelous break! This means I need to catch up on my blog posts again on Sunday, so, I will actually do that. I am in a good mood, could really use a relaxing long drive though, which will be achieved this evening! But alas I must end this random mixed post and begin to write this essay! Hurray!
Take care,
Jess :]
Thursday, July 7, 2011
shake me like a leaf i fall down too
[one hundred, eighty-eight]
I hate it sometimes, you know, that I feel different and am different and I have to deal with things differently. I don't like that I have to fight for everything, I don't like that I have disadvantages, but most of all, I don't like that I'm not the only one who has to go through this.
I will fight for this.
I want to see Harry Potter the midnight show in a week, it's the final installment, and it is only showing in theatres in 3-D. Now those of you who have two eyes may enjoy this fad that makes things look as if they are coming out of the screen at yo' face, but I do not appreciate the technique, never have, never will. It looks incredibly fuzzy to me, and ruins the movie, and there is no second option. So I have to see it, my final installment, my final seventh of my childhood, in a fuzzy haze through the one-sided fuzzy blunt trashed haze that I already see out of.
I called Galazy cinemas today to see if I would be able to choose my seats before everyone else like I did last year, wait in line for hours and then stay at the front of the line so that I could have relatively first pick. The manager, who was an asshole, completely blew me off, told me there was nothing he could do. Needless to say I hung up on him, and I shall update you later on if my mother and I can milk this company until I can possibly reserve seats. This is important to me, this is my passion in life, or part of it, and it is already being ruined by the 3-D, now they're taking away my ability to see any of the movie at all.
So that's it for now, that's why today sort of ended with a tuck roll into a wall. I spent the day with the kids at a museum, and I love the kids, and they're beautiful and smart and funny, and caring and lovely, and they are just the best things in my life right now. I smile everytime they smile. There is a boy who held my hand today and thanked me for riding the bus with him, and I started to cry. This little boy is my inspiration to get up at seven am and live with the day.
Take care, everyone, love always,
Jess :]
I hate it sometimes, you know, that I feel different and am different and I have to deal with things differently. I don't like that I have to fight for everything, I don't like that I have disadvantages, but most of all, I don't like that I'm not the only one who has to go through this.
I will fight for this.
I want to see Harry Potter the midnight show in a week, it's the final installment, and it is only showing in theatres in 3-D. Now those of you who have two eyes may enjoy this fad that makes things look as if they are coming out of the screen at yo' face, but I do not appreciate the technique, never have, never will. It looks incredibly fuzzy to me, and ruins the movie, and there is no second option. So I have to see it, my final installment, my final seventh of my childhood, in a fuzzy haze through the one-sided fuzzy blunt trashed haze that I already see out of.
I called Galazy cinemas today to see if I would be able to choose my seats before everyone else like I did last year, wait in line for hours and then stay at the front of the line so that I could have relatively first pick. The manager, who was an asshole, completely blew me off, told me there was nothing he could do. Needless to say I hung up on him, and I shall update you later on if my mother and I can milk this company until I can possibly reserve seats. This is important to me, this is my passion in life, or part of it, and it is already being ruined by the 3-D, now they're taking away my ability to see any of the movie at all.
So that's it for now, that's why today sort of ended with a tuck roll into a wall. I spent the day with the kids at a museum, and I love the kids, and they're beautiful and smart and funny, and caring and lovely, and they are just the best things in my life right now. I smile everytime they smile. There is a boy who held my hand today and thanked me for riding the bus with him, and I started to cry. This little boy is my inspiration to get up at seven am and live with the day.
Take care, everyone, love always,
Jess :]
lawls
[one hundred, eighty-seven[
their little hands pinch my fingertips with effort,
they step with effort, they jump with ease but it
is anything but
effortless
their little eyes move over things softly seeing through
appearances are irrelevant, like hurricanes to the wind,
like towels to the ocean, like life without love,
but they don't think of it
things they can't say but mute as the colours are
they laugh and smile like you do
and we do, and we do don't we?
and they do.
if they shook more it would sink to the bottom
their breathing life and grasp
but they hold on, holding on,
although their hands may not work and others too
they can and they will do
focus: the little cups of love I work with
their little hands pinch my fingertips with effort,
they step with effort, they jump with ease but it
is anything but
effortless
their little eyes move over things softly seeing through
appearances are irrelevant, like hurricanes to the wind,
like towels to the ocean, like life without love,
but they don't think of it
things they can't say but mute as the colours are
they laugh and smile like you do
and we do, and we do don't we?
and they do.
if they shook more it would sink to the bottom
their breathing life and grasp
but they hold on, holding on,
although their hands may not work and others too
they can and they will do
focus: the little cups of love I work with
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
It feels over, though
[one hundred, eighty-six]
If I can be frank, I have this soft feeling of elation that comes when you truly believe that everything will be okay. I know that my life has been rapids, but it is a day-to-day mindset that's organised and wrapped with love that I can really grasp the fact that, apart from things that are uncontrollable and full of evil, I am okay.
I am okay, I am fine, I am better than okay and fine, I am actually, finally, good.
Good.
Things are swell, actually, I need to focus on some small things, some satisfactory minor details that sort of hinder my good mood sometimes, my stresses, the hooks in my skin that pull me back to the anziety spiral. I don't think perfection or normalcy is attainable, but to be honest I like the way I am, I like how I act and my actions and words my speaking that makes no sense, but people seem to think that some things are tangible in their states with me, and apparently some of those things are necessary in order to be alright and solid in my relationship with those people.
Sheesh, parents.
Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderufl evening, I'm absolutely thrilled that I am caught up finally on all of these, after the computer disaster last week and the busy-ness that I have taken on so recently, I am marvelling that I have finished@
Have a beautiful night!
Jess :]
If I can be frank, I have this soft feeling of elation that comes when you truly believe that everything will be okay. I know that my life has been rapids, but it is a day-to-day mindset that's organised and wrapped with love that I can really grasp the fact that, apart from things that are uncontrollable and full of evil, I am okay.
I am okay, I am fine, I am better than okay and fine, I am actually, finally, good.
Good.
Things are swell, actually, I need to focus on some small things, some satisfactory minor details that sort of hinder my good mood sometimes, my stresses, the hooks in my skin that pull me back to the anziety spiral. I don't think perfection or normalcy is attainable, but to be honest I like the way I am, I like how I act and my actions and words my speaking that makes no sense, but people seem to think that some things are tangible in their states with me, and apparently some of those things are necessary in order to be alright and solid in my relationship with those people.
Sheesh, parents.
Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderufl evening, I'm absolutely thrilled that I am caught up finally on all of these, after the computer disaster last week and the busy-ness that I have taken on so recently, I am marvelling that I have finished@
Have a beautiful night!
Jess :]
sur la tete
[one hundred, eighty-five]
eight/eight
I haven't talked much about anything heartfelt lately, they've all been short catch-up's, and this isn't even officially Tuesday's post, but I thought I should post a little love and devotion today, or something of the sort.
If you know me you know a little about my deal, my way of thinking, my spirituality, my open-ness and my policy of complete and total love of everything and anyone, and that I am accepting and can take anything you can throw at me, because I have nerves of steal like that.
One thing I don't appreciate is inequality, and that's a stance I take strongly. I'm not a feminist, I am pro=equality. I want everyone in the world to have an equal chance at education, love, rights, payment, food even, the normal, attainable, mundane things that we in a developed middle power take for granted. It bothers me when people hate.
I hate your hate we hate the hate, hata.
I've met some people recently who have reminded me how much, although I do have an open acceptance policy and an endless well of love, that my fire can burn out easilly when it comes to intollerance, sexism, and descrimination. I am ashamed to say that some people closer to me than anyone knows, and new friends, old favourites, etc. have completely and totally let me down on that front. Don't knock it before you try it.
It almost brings me to tears thinking about certain things, things about the world that I can't change... If there's anything I could do, but I'm useless.
And I ruin everything, so I figure that just caring about everyone and anyone in general is probably sufficient.
So if you love or hate, take a minnu today to look out the effing window, stop being absorbed in your own interests in life, and care about something else for once.
yup,
Jess :]
eight/eight
I haven't talked much about anything heartfelt lately, they've all been short catch-up's, and this isn't even officially Tuesday's post, but I thought I should post a little love and devotion today, or something of the sort.
If you know me you know a little about my deal, my way of thinking, my spirituality, my open-ness and my policy of complete and total love of everything and anyone, and that I am accepting and can take anything you can throw at me, because I have nerves of steal like that.
One thing I don't appreciate is inequality, and that's a stance I take strongly. I'm not a feminist, I am pro=equality. I want everyone in the world to have an equal chance at education, love, rights, payment, food even, the normal, attainable, mundane things that we in a developed middle power take for granted. It bothers me when people hate.
I hate your hate we hate the hate, hata.
I've met some people recently who have reminded me how much, although I do have an open acceptance policy and an endless well of love, that my fire can burn out easilly when it comes to intollerance, sexism, and descrimination. I am ashamed to say that some people closer to me than anyone knows, and new friends, old favourites, etc. have completely and totally let me down on that front. Don't knock it before you try it.
It almost brings me to tears thinking about certain things, things about the world that I can't change... If there's anything I could do, but I'm useless.
And I ruin everything, so I figure that just caring about everyone and anyone in general is probably sufficient.
So if you love or hate, take a minnu today to look out the effing window, stop being absorbed in your own interests in life, and care about something else for once.
yup,
Jess :]
fail
[one hundred, eighty-four]
seven/eight? I don't know..
[I can't do anything to do with multiple choice. I can't do anything that requires relative specifics and tricky, hardly different but marginally are questions. I'm doing a course online right now, and I feel like if I don't really work hard on it I'm going to fail. AND IT IS HISTORY OF MUSIC POP CULTURE. It's because it asked me the difference in a song if it was folk revival or folk, ....... Is Bob Dylan specifically folk revival or folk? Or is he both? In the event that he is both, why put two different folk's, and why why why why do that to me, when I am terrible at specific specifics, and can't get around the fact that I feel like such a failure because I can't get over a seventy in any of these quizzes.
Stay tuned for an update with my second attempt!
Jess :]
seven/eight? I don't know..
[I can't do anything to do with multiple choice. I can't do anything that requires relative specifics and tricky, hardly different but marginally are questions. I'm doing a course online right now, and I feel like if I don't really work hard on it I'm going to fail. AND IT IS HISTORY OF MUSIC POP CULTURE. It's because it asked me the difference in a song if it was folk revival or folk, ....... Is Bob Dylan specifically folk revival or folk? Or is he both? In the event that he is both, why put two different folk's, and why why why why do that to me, when I am terrible at specific specifics, and can't get around the fact that I feel like such a failure because I can't get over a seventy in any of these quizzes.
Stay tuned for an update with my second attempt!
Jess :]
construction, man, it's the deal
[one hundred, eighty-three[
six/eight
Blue is the colour of my true love's hair in the morning, when we rise, in the morning, when we rise, that's the time, that's the time, I love the best.
I would like to say that since I have to write a whole bunch of these, and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, consider this me trying to come to grips with my writing blcck that is unfortunately hitting like a hurricane right now on my brain, hurricane of the brain, hurricane brain. It's a solid (or, in fear of a corny pun, wrecking) image. I have decided to just write a whole bunch of this that is what I think at the time, should I rant a bit, should I show appreciation? Can I just talk?
This is my blog, damnit. I'll just talk.
So I'm actually reading my music homework right now but I gave up on writing notes because it's about Woodstock festival in sixty nine, and therefore we're finally in my neck of the woods. Today I was at work, and I am in love with the kids I work with, and I am inspired to get out of bed everyday from them. It's like I was a kid and stuck with them all day, I will never complain about work. Except for possibly fridays, in which I spend with just the two boys I work with, because they're cool and all but man they can't even compete with the kids.
I am exhausted.
cheers,
Jess :]
six/eight
Blue is the colour of my true love's hair in the morning, when we rise, in the morning, when we rise, that's the time, that's the time, I love the best.
I would like to say that since I have to write a whole bunch of these, and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, consider this me trying to come to grips with my writing blcck that is unfortunately hitting like a hurricane right now on my brain, hurricane of the brain, hurricane brain. It's a solid (or, in fear of a corny pun, wrecking) image. I have decided to just write a whole bunch of this that is what I think at the time, should I rant a bit, should I show appreciation? Can I just talk?
This is my blog, damnit. I'll just talk.
So I'm actually reading my music homework right now but I gave up on writing notes because it's about Woodstock festival in sixty nine, and therefore we're finally in my neck of the woods. Today I was at work, and I am in love with the kids I work with, and I am inspired to get out of bed everyday from them. It's like I was a kid and stuck with them all day, I will never complain about work. Except for possibly fridays, in which I spend with just the two boys I work with, because they're cool and all but man they can't even compete with the kids.
I am exhausted.
cheers,
Jess :]
excuse me while i kiss the sky
[one hundred, eighty two]
five/eight
Please please me oh foxy lady,
pleased to meet you hope you guess my cream
you have to think through innovations, as if there really was no wheel, people once never thought that milk was a thing. sugarpie honey bunch,
heaven is in your mind
There is a thing about jazz solo's that truly make no sense and almost mimic traffic to me. Traffic is unspecified, it is stuck together with scotch tape and is bumpy like rocks or gravel. Jazz solo's of really any sort other than bass bothers me.
Think about Cream's song 'I feel free,' the bass, the soft singing, man, I don't know why I'm so into this music right now. If you dig something psychadellically tripped, either... Jimi Hendrix's first album 'Jimi Hendrix Experience' oooooor the door's mainly the song 'love her madly' are my favourites, just because they're solid. If you want to take a jump into the folk scene that I love, Donovan is an essential. ESSENTIAL. I am in love with Donovan, marriage.
I want to be drowned in my music, I want to sink into the layers of encompassing tender love and passion that is the lines and licks, the acoustically acclaimed radicalism of the sixties through the nineties. I want this a lot.
take care,
Jess :]
five/eight
Please please me oh foxy lady,
pleased to meet you hope you guess my cream
you have to think through innovations, as if there really was no wheel, people once never thought that milk was a thing. sugarpie honey bunch,
heaven is in your mind
There is a thing about jazz solo's that truly make no sense and almost mimic traffic to me. Traffic is unspecified, it is stuck together with scotch tape and is bumpy like rocks or gravel. Jazz solo's of really any sort other than bass bothers me.
Think about Cream's song 'I feel free,' the bass, the soft singing, man, I don't know why I'm so into this music right now. If you dig something psychadellically tripped, either... Jimi Hendrix's first album 'Jimi Hendrix Experience' oooooor the door's mainly the song 'love her madly' are my favourites, just because they're solid. If you want to take a jump into the folk scene that I love, Donovan is an essential. ESSENTIAL. I am in love with Donovan, marriage.
I want to be drowned in my music, I want to sink into the layers of encompassing tender love and passion that is the lines and licks, the acoustically acclaimed radicalism of the sixties through the nineties. I want this a lot.
take care,
Jess :]
Sunday, July 3, 2011
crush me like a wave on shore
[one hundred, eighty-one]
four/seven
It seems like it's halfway but I'm going to write four tomorrow so it technically is relaly halfway tomorrow, maybe I'll be done tomorrow, maybe I'll research well tomorrow, I want to do well on this essay, I love background noise which is why I miss my itunes, I love my ipod but it's like that friend that you love to hate, I can't sleep with it in my ears and sometimes I hate it, sometimes I'm not honest with anyone not even myself, youtube is a combination of a million users it is the modern social network not facebook, men with the ability to grow hair is the sexiest thing there has ever been, i want to go sailing, if Paris was closer I'd visit everyday, my brother is watching a movie and it sounds cute because he's in his room, I want to have a bonfire with all of my best friends because I love them, I miss school, if there's paper and moleskin or just paper in general with a blue pen I will write on it or draw flowers, I once got my hand stuck inbetween two chair poles and I cried until someone got me out, I'm terrified of being carried, i need a new anklet, carpets are nice but hardwood is better, learn to cook or don't be a cocky jerk, I think that everyone needs to really understand the love of showers, I try to be funny but I'm not so I laugh at my own jokes, he smiles and i smile and I don't feel bad, ever. I think that people in poverty need the money more than my legality via alcohol does, I love dresses but I look bad in them, my eyes are different colours, if it were an ipod it would be a shuffle, I wish more people cared about other people, take a break once in a while because it's more productive, I can't remember the last time I had a really really good sleep, breakfast is my favourite meal of the day but I hardly eat it, I never sing in my big girl voice, my friends are the best, I complain and I'm impatient but I make up for it when I snort when I laugh, I want to go and laugh on the beach and drink pink lemonade.
love,
Jess :]
four/seven
It seems like it's halfway but I'm going to write four tomorrow so it technically is relaly halfway tomorrow, maybe I'll be done tomorrow, maybe I'll research well tomorrow, I want to do well on this essay, I love background noise which is why I miss my itunes, I love my ipod but it's like that friend that you love to hate, I can't sleep with it in my ears and sometimes I hate it, sometimes I'm not honest with anyone not even myself, youtube is a combination of a million users it is the modern social network not facebook, men with the ability to grow hair is the sexiest thing there has ever been, i want to go sailing, if Paris was closer I'd visit everyday, my brother is watching a movie and it sounds cute because he's in his room, I want to have a bonfire with all of my best friends because I love them, I miss school, if there's paper and moleskin or just paper in general with a blue pen I will write on it or draw flowers, I once got my hand stuck inbetween two chair poles and I cried until someone got me out, I'm terrified of being carried, i need a new anklet, carpets are nice but hardwood is better, learn to cook or don't be a cocky jerk, I think that everyone needs to really understand the love of showers, I try to be funny but I'm not so I laugh at my own jokes, he smiles and i smile and I don't feel bad, ever. I think that people in poverty need the money more than my legality via alcohol does, I love dresses but I look bad in them, my eyes are different colours, if it were an ipod it would be a shuffle, I wish more people cared about other people, take a break once in a while because it's more productive, I can't remember the last time I had a really really good sleep, breakfast is my favourite meal of the day but I hardly eat it, I never sing in my big girl voice, my friends are the best, I complain and I'm impatient but I make up for it when I snort when I laugh, I want to go and laugh on the beach and drink pink lemonade.
love,
Jess :]
honey it's okay really, but don't call me anything but
[one hundred, eighty]
BABY
three/seven
If you're sick of my sunshine then take a look back
because behind is black and white
and I look for you in technicolour
I fight for you as patriots fight for their father
take my hand why don't you have you had enough already
because tomorrow it will be bright
run from the sun
again again, close your eyes from that one
sun
if there's something to do with honey
bring it up out loud and dark
it is impossibly indirectly over the top and completely basically
over the way by the way through the way
if there's something, honey
bring it up in the dark,
the vague indefinitely ambiguity of the unseen
the unseen
the times where there's only one thing in the dark, and that is the moon that shines
and the moon that doesn't shine, it is grey and small
and bright but dull, tar on the road the streets covered in gravel, shark bitten faces,
there was a whole lot of dark down there, so let it fly
let the whole thing be,
let the whole thing be.
focus: absolutely shit all, I love when poems grow out of nowhere in my head.
Jess :]
BABY
three/seven
If you're sick of my sunshine then take a look back
because behind is black and white
and I look for you in technicolour
I fight for you as patriots fight for their father
take my hand why don't you have you had enough already
because tomorrow it will be bright
run from the sun
again again, close your eyes from that one
sun
if there's something to do with honey
bring it up out loud and dark
it is impossibly indirectly over the top and completely basically
over the way by the way through the way
if there's something, honey
bring it up in the dark,
the vague indefinitely ambiguity of the unseen
the unseen
the times where there's only one thing in the dark, and that is the moon that shines
and the moon that doesn't shine, it is grey and small
and bright but dull, tar on the road the streets covered in gravel, shark bitten faces,
there was a whole lot of dark down there, so let it fly
let the whole thing be,
let the whole thing be.
focus: absolutely shit all, I love when poems grow out of nowhere in my head.
Jess :]
what can I say, the boy loves plaid
[one hundred, seventy-nine]
two/seven
And so I thought that I was happy before, you know, when lots of people were around me and I was sort of busy everyday. It was a dream summer, looming summer job, relatively nice people to hang around with, sleeping in until whenever, keeping busy with soft reading, tanning, drinking, nights out, so many things that would make a whole bunch of people jealous.
Then I began to work, then I really got down to business, but there was just a thing, just one little thing. Happiness doesn't come with a price tag. It doesn't come with a playlist or a skeleton to go off of. Happiness comes with a little goody-bag full of awesome, and to be perfectly honest, it is the best party to attend, ever.
I am happy, all, and the thing is, is that I'm not worried about it going away, I'm not worried about it being silly or stupid or frustrating. I'm worried about not being good enough, but I'm becoming confident. I'm becoming the person that I knew a while ago. I missed ya, old friend.
I hope you all are happy, and if not I'll share my goody-bag, I'll give you some gizmos and candy, maybe a windmill on a stick that when you blow on it it spins with all of its colours and falir. Take a little bit from me, I'll whisper happy to you, anyday, anyway.
Take care,
Jess:]
two/seven
And so I thought that I was happy before, you know, when lots of people were around me and I was sort of busy everyday. It was a dream summer, looming summer job, relatively nice people to hang around with, sleeping in until whenever, keeping busy with soft reading, tanning, drinking, nights out, so many things that would make a whole bunch of people jealous.
Then I began to work, then I really got down to business, but there was just a thing, just one little thing. Happiness doesn't come with a price tag. It doesn't come with a playlist or a skeleton to go off of. Happiness comes with a little goody-bag full of awesome, and to be perfectly honest, it is the best party to attend, ever.
I am happy, all, and the thing is, is that I'm not worried about it going away, I'm not worried about it being silly or stupid or frustrating. I'm worried about not being good enough, but I'm becoming confident. I'm becoming the person that I knew a while ago. I missed ya, old friend.
I hope you all are happy, and if not I'll share my goody-bag, I'll give you some gizmos and candy, maybe a windmill on a stick that when you blow on it it spins with all of its colours and falir. Take a little bit from me, I'll whisper happy to you, anyday, anyway.
Take care,
Jess:]
frustrations
[one hundred, seventy-eight]
one/seven
If you haven't noticed, I've been having computer problems. My hard drive turned out to be fried, and with a midterm this weekend it was really unfortunate, and therefore I was unbelievably depressed to find that all of my files were unsalvageable. I would like to take the rest of this blog as a moment of silence for all of my hard work, dedication, effort, hours and hours of work, pictures, memories, love, and devotion put into those files.
But I wouldn't worry too much about it, I finished my midterm, and now I've got some blogs to catch up on!
Jess :]
one/seven
If you haven't noticed, I've been having computer problems. My hard drive turned out to be fried, and with a midterm this weekend it was really unfortunate, and therefore I was unbelievably depressed to find that all of my files were unsalvageable. I would like to take the rest of this blog as a moment of silence for all of my hard work, dedication, effort, hours and hours of work, pictures, memories, love, and devotion put into those files.
But I wouldn't worry too much about it, I finished my midterm, and now I've got some blogs to catch up on!
Jess :]
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