[one hundred, ninety-one]
I haven't been able to sleep lately, at night I lay there and listen too much. I listen to my breathing, and listen to the house settling, and listen to all of the little noises that are usually background and insignificant, but for some reason my ears decide to pick up on them sensitively for the past couple of days, and it is unfortunately causing me to not sleep well at all, and I hope this ends soon, because honestly, I need my sleep, bad.
Don't you just love my inclusive commas? I used them a lot in that last paragraph my apologies. I've been having the weird feeling again, that wheezing, encompassing, heartfelt feeling that makes me feel like there's something missing. It is a twinge, and only happens sometimes, and really it hurts a lot when it does. I want to cry sometimes, I want to be happy and be smiling but then there's times where I'd rather stay in bed and dream again, it is like before earlier this year when I was feeling like something was missing, but it isn't as bad right now, it's almost like I'm missing something or anticipating things to change. I may hate change, and I may actually love it sometimes, but it truly isn't the best plain to be on, because it isn't well named, it isn't plain at all, it is designed and confusing and unfortunate.
I would really like to be adequetely feeling, some solid stable inbetween, average, not extreme feeling emotions that hurt or overwhelm. encompass, dripping with thoughts ideas and being. I don't like being this way. I don't like the wheezing, I don't like this.
But I like to be comfortable, and I am comfortable, here I am now, being happy, being still. I like to be still.
So take a couple minutes soon and relax, and be still, because sometimes it's nice to just be stable, to be content, just to be, in the place that you are, and be happy and not have to feel anything bad, because bad feelings isn't nice.
love,
Jess :]
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