my boyfriend bought me socks for christmas

and they're actually amazing.

pthree hundred, sixty-one]

Sleigh bells are ringing, I can actually hear them, he's real it is true, he's here to bring presents for me and for you and if you tell me otherwise then it will only be true for me and not you!

I'd love to tell you that the darkness goes away. I think that for me, over my emotional rollercoaster over the past seven years through adolescence, boyfriends, highschool, surgeries, family, everything has just added up to a marble slab of a life that I am actually proud of. I do not regret anything since I learned from it and I have become the person I am because of it, but it has not all been roses, I haven't been strong forever, and I still have times where I'd rather just stay in the black.

But there is light. Come on, it's me, I can hardly swe, there are worse things and I know that nobody cares to hear that but your life does not suck, but it's funny because I knoew that the dark doesn't just come to the blind or the weak, it comes to strong, loving caring beautiful people who do not deserve it. It is hard to dig yourself out of the dark, and even though tunnel vision allows little light to come through it is still there, and it is bright, but the dark...comes back.

I know.

You need to find something, anything, someone, a hobby, love, anything, that will encourage you to embrace the light for the majority of the time. It is hard, and I still don't have a stable helper that gets me through, but I have little things. I wathc movies, the same ones, over and over and it helps so much. I blast music and sleep it off. I do massive amounts of yoga and meditating. I snuggle with good people. I call my mom and talk about the weather, and tons more that if one thing doesn't do it for me I move on to the next on my list, but even those don't work all the time.

So sit with the feeling. How terrible is that? Almost as bad as 'just jump off the cliff,' but I stand by this advice. Sit in your darkness, have a good long chat with it, understand it, and grow to dislike it, motivate yourself out of the cave, mobilize your shovel and start to get yourself out. If you need people, find them, they have shovels. My Reindeedr Club of Fabulous have glue guns for me, but I have a utility belt of shovels and lazer beams scotch tape bandaids positivity seeds anything anyone else needs.

I'm all ears, and love.

So don't be afraid to take a risk, but never think that the end of your life is before the actual end. what a easte.

love,

Jess :]