[THREE HUNDRED, FORTY ONE]

Oh no, caps lock was on. I always have caps lock on sometimes it is just a comfort. I missed a comma in that last sentence. I am going insane.

I spent five minutes eating cake icing today, and then another five filling up my already full water bottle. I want to make lists and lists of things I want to do but probably will never get to. I don't want to study these things anymore, I want to sleep and write, sleep and write, sleep, exam, write, sleep, exam, write. I want to write poetry that means something to me, but anything that comes to my head

the finality in punctuation is
only, well, it only a stroke long,
a breath, right? in theatre we breathe,
after,
comma's.

And the break comes in, where we would like to breathe, but we look at those
breaths, and laugh.

I don't write poetry for anyone else, I don't write anything for anyone else. This blog has been for me from the beginning, so has my tumblr, and I feel like pretentious people like to write things that other people will reblog, or retweet, or talk about. I write/reblog/tweet things that are meaningful for me for me. Social media is overrated in the sharing aspect of it all.

Then what's the point?

I'm studying for a historical theatre exam right now, and we read an essay on a lady named Curzon who wrote a play about Laura Secord being so entrenched in patriarchal ideologies that although amongst the cultural chaos of our society she seems like a hard ass feminist, but in reality Curzon (and Derkson, who wrote the essay) are arguing that although Sexord was being subversive, she was still manifested within her male-oriented society. So, Curzon wrote this closet drama play, this poetic device of verses that is a play but is not intended to ever be performed, only critiqued and read. What is the point?

Derksen argues that it isn't worth being critiqued. What is the point then? what does it do for our identity as a national theatre in Canada if it does nothing for us? I have a feeling I may be asked this or something along these lines tomorrow morning in my exam, and to be honest, I don't know the correct answer.

Why write things so they will not be shared?

My answer is that it is more meaningful to my peace of mind than to anyone elses. It allows me to expand my acknowledgement of vibrance and love and thinking. I think Curzon wrote it to be subversive. Laura Seord the character takes on the active male roles that would have been given to her husband if he were able to perform them, and just does her duty in a domestic state. She does not do it for the nation, for her marginalized skin colour, she did it because she had to. It takes a real woman to step up and do what is expected of her regardless of the overtones imprisoning her. Canada sees her as a symbol for light within the terms and war she was involved in, when really she just did her job.

So what's so important about her then? She was a woman, sure, but she wasn't recognised as such within the context. The entire content of this course has been how history is written in hindsight; looking back world war two is world war two because the first great war is recognised as world war one. Otherwise, we wouldn't have anythning to go off of. So in hindsight, Laura Secord was pinacle and a catalyst (for some) for the feminist movement, therefore becoming an obviuos point for a playwright like Curzon to shape a feminist policy narrative play about. During the time that she actually did the acts, however, it was no less subversive than a coffee carista running the cash register because the cash guy went on a smoke break.

I can't remember what I was talking about, I just formed this blog into studying for my exam tomorrow. So really welcome to my head for the past couple of days. Except rambling on postcolonial bullshit tomorrow, children's literature sunday and technical theatre on monday. Maybe saturday you'll get a break from my insanity.

I doubt it, somehow.

I've been trying to keep a relatively stable morale. I don't usually get too stresed out nuless it's an exam that I don't know what to expect. The exams this year have had reviews and all of that kind of thing so I don't feel unprepared, just nervous. I want to curl up in my bed and drink hot chocolate and watch friends with my sissy, and giggle until we fall asleep. I want to go home, terribly. I want to just get away from the stress for a bit, until I come back in January and are thrown back into it. I am going to miss this blog, and rambling.

Take care,

Jess :[