[eighty two]
I look in the mirror and I don't recognise myself. I hate them, they make me not me. I am not like this, and they can never leave. I need them in order to function, but I hate them. I don't recognise me, and that hurts me. Without them, I wouldn't recognise me either, it's just how it has to be for now. I wish it was different.
I wish a lot of things were different, but I guess they are alright as they are. I wish that I didn't have these stupid stupid glasses, and that is because they don't make me me. I first got glasses in kindegarten, and I only had to wear them when reading stuff on the board, and they game in this wicked cool green case with bears on it. I used to love them then, even though the kids called me four eyes, and chased me around calling me frizzy haired and chubby. And then in grade five I had to wear them all the time, because the eye doctor yelled at me that I didn't know that before. Then in grade eight I got contacts, and literally a month later, bam, my eye issues began, and it sucked. Everything sucked.
And it still kind of sucks, but I guess I can see so it isn't so bad. I wish that I could just wake up and see perfectly, and that I could see better than I could before, but it's so much harder to wish for something that won't happen. To be honest, I don't think believing in something that is hardly possible to ever happen is realistic, and therefore I won't. I want to be able to be happy in what I'm doing, and if that means I have to accept that I will never see properly again, then I will just deal with it.
I just feel like lately I've had to put up with a whole bunch of bull shit, and that everything I've ever wanted when I was younger has become unattainable, or atleast harder to attain. I never give up, but damnit, I hate the people who have it so easy and take that shit for granted. Your eyes hurt from the sun? Yeah, well mine hurt from five surgeries, suck on that.
I don't mind people in general, but people who take things for granted hurt my feelings. I can't see, but I have so many other wonderful things. When I have to get blood tests, I remind myself that there is little kids in Africa who don't have health care and die because they have no medical help, whereas I'm crying about a needle to help make me better. When it's cold outside, I remind myself that people die of heatstroke everyday. I love all food now, I love my water, I will never, ever, EVER take water for granted ever again. I love my family and friends more than anything in the world, and even though somedays I believe I'm going actually crazy, I am grateful that I can organise and maintain my own thoughts, and live my life in freedom.
This is for everyone who has nothing but their own hearts and bodies to take for granted, and to you, I salute and love. I want to give everyone the world and the moon and stars, and the universe, and I want everyone to realise that you may not be tall or smart or fast, but you are perfect in some way, believe me. You may not have discovered it yet, because I haven't, but I know it's out there.
Love always,
Jess :[
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