happy and neat in the orders on the shelf

[three hundred, five.]

I hurt today. Seems like everything has been worn out, along with this headache I'm ready for it to release its hold on my attitude, it seems to dictate the energy levels I exude aswell. Let's hope this shit gives up soon, I'm not digging this.

I've been doing nonstop homework it feel,s, other than an hour for supper and an hour for glee, and now I'm thinking about bed. I should read but I don't think my eyes can take it today, not today. I will try to answer questions in class tomorrow, I'll try my absolute best. I feel like lately all I've been doing is trying my best.

And apparently it's paying off, since that's what you're supposed to do, your best. I just feel like I almost don't appreciate it within myself, I don't see the merit. I need to see my results in order to feel good about doing my best, and lately it hasn't been that successful in uplifting anything inside of me.

Rocky road in the month ahead. People wonder why I cling to Christmas so much in November, but it is obvious. I eat candy canes and watch movies because without these simple joys I lose my mind this time of year. Assignments, closing down essays and projects, finals, christmas shopping, the anticipation of the climactic holiday, eveyrthing seems to be in rising towards the end.

But it isn't the end.

We have to come back to school in January, and when that semester is over, we have to work all summer. The cycle continues until you think you're really at the end. Graduation. And then what? You work, nonstop, until you retire. I feel like my life is leading up to retirement, and I'm trying to make the best of the working days.

This is why I want a job that I am going to be passionate about and love, so that when I wake up in the morning at seven am I won't be moaning about sitting in a boring lecture with a bitch prof and all of the assignments and readings I have to do, but I will be looking forward.

I am trying to see ahead of me, but gosh it's just too misty, so I'd rather just sit this one out.

I am a positive person, but every now and then I drift back into my cave and I wish that my life were that of someone who could just enjoy it. Why can't I enjoy it, you may ask! Well that's a great question, let me know if you ever find out the answer.

I'm tired, I'm going to put a Christmas episode of the office on and sleep now, goodnight my love,

Jess :]