it's the singing train, we all can't get away

[three hundred, twelve]

Why did I have caffeine at nine pm? I'm going to have to do some like serious meditation or something to get to sleep now.. Good thing I have that cd now! I think I like meditation best because it carries you deeper, sort of a trance-like impression into your being, I don't know if I believe in beings right now, I feel inbetween on my beliefs.

Maybe I should drop everything and become a poet-philosopher, who ironically doesn't write poems about philosophical things, but just happens to have interesting ideas on life and politics and people. Not saying that anything I spew is interesting, sometimes it isn't even that interesting to me, I just seem to continue to write so that I feel like I have actually finished a commitment to something... But I like being a poet, sometimes, I'm not really one though, let's be honest, I put words in meaningful ways where poems only mean something to me. I am a closet poet writing closet poetry, no one will ever read them.

I am so cold, so cold lately intending to the way I look out at the world. I wish for this frost over my eyes to melt away so that I can see somewhat clearly again, the clarity fleets from my seeing when I ask for it... I wish that sometimes I would be able to just make solid decisions about things, I can't.

I am surely not going to sleep, I should watch howl. Alone. I wanted to share it with everyone, but nobody wanted to share it with me. No one wants to share anything with me lately, except for maybe a bookbag or a highfive...

Everything is such a mess right now, and it's going to take me until December even to start to clean everything up. I plan everything to the nines, why can't I just figure everything out? Why can't I just leave this city and break on to the other side? Break on out onto the passionate plain on which I'd rather be, that one part that one place that I can be understood.

Everything I say comes out misunderstood.

Why is it that whenever people speak to me I feel like I'm five years old? I contemplate things different than everyone. Are you smart today? I wish that everyone saw the world through my pixelated, distorted, blurred vision in order for them to see the beauty that has taken me years to understand that I don't want to leave. I want to stay, but I want to change.

I need meditation I think right now, I need to do a little bit more studying, and then get somewhere and settle my head down. I have a very, very, very, very, veeeery heavy end of the week starting tomorrow, ending which a bang of six straight hours of midterm-lab-lecture loveliness. If you want to mess with me this week, I may or may not have motive to snap..

So have a good night, then,

Jess :]