[three hundred, eighteen]
I am late on this, and funnily enough I decided to write this during a class, because I know I need to catch up. I just had this idea, about how I live my life and things, and I think this semester is different than the past couple because well, I’ve been through all of these changes, and this is the first time that I’ve actually put effort into being okay independently. I had a boyfriend or someone to lean on last semester, right now it’s sort of distant, and I’m struggling with trying to get everything oalright inside my head.
And Dr. Paul continues to talk about queer theatre, the same thing he’s repeated over and over for the past half hour. He just laughed, lawl.
I think that regardless of my leaning, everyone needs to lean a little sometimes. Everyone needs that one person to tell you (or more than one) to tell you to go for that manicure, sleep in, take a little time for yourself….I don’t think I’ll be taking a lot of time for myself due to taking Friday night and Saturday off, but I will try to get peace of mind today and tomorrow, since I need it. I get too bogged down within my head if I don’t, and I cry a lot.. I cry a lot lately.
I don’t think like normal people, I think about other things, fun things, weird stupid crazy things, and thoughts are peculiar. Thoughts of independence for me think like paying bills, making food, being okay being alone… Things that I haven’t quite grasped yet, but I’m working on it. I think I have a handful, the #reindeergroupoffabulousfive or whatever it was, that I trust completely, and need in order to be okay alone. Maybe that makes me codependent, but there wasn’t anyone holding my hand when I fell asleep under the purple and blue light that last surgery where I awoke in darkness, so to be perfectly honest I can do this alone.
Nobody understands what I’ve gone through, and nothing I can say could ever explain to you the interest, the emotions, the pain and the recovery that I’ve gone through, but I know that enough people care about it that there’d be interest… But, but but but, I’m not writing that, probably never on this, never on the computer, never anything but some sort of oral presentation.
This post is making this class go by so much faster, I am actually so happy I thought of doing this. This hurts my wrist in this classroom though, what a setting… I want to go home and shower and sleep, but I can’t. I just.. I want to not be alone tonight. So much for independence.
Take care,
Jess :[
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