should i fall behind..

[three hundred, fifteen]

Wait for me.

My mom told me that she wanted that to be her wedding song but only in hindsight, since she didn't have an open enough mind for Bruce during the early years of her and dad's relationship. I love that song, it is sort of like an inspiration to keep on going, shooting for that someone or that happiness, that regardless of the bumps and the tragedies, the turmoil the chaos, the hard work will eventually pay off.

Love, baby, it's what's going down.

But I feel like, if you love somebody it shouldn't be as complicated as one might think. I mean, I love a ton of people, but I save that... that sort of, intimacy, with the people that matter to me most. When I take off my glasses and snort when I laugh, you'll know how inner circle you are.

Love for me is something sort of efemmeral, it is igniting and passionate, but it is simple. I hate too much going on, I hate overcomplicating (although, to be fair, I overcomplicate things...often.) but seriously, why can't things just be? Why can't a being be a being without having to think about every detail, every cough every glance every movement and over analysing it. I wish that analysis was simple, then my life would be complete.

Although, I put love into colours in my head the other day, and it sort of changed the way I see it (pun intended). The love for my family is yellow, for a lasting and growing shining that will continue and doesn't die, like the sun. Love for my friends is the blues and purples, the deep, intricate colours that are dynamic and have shades. For the loves that I say it, and mean it, it's sort of the red, but the dark red that you'd paint a wall, not the bright red like a clown nose or shoes. I think my love is more dynamic than a concerto, but sometimes people don't understand that comparison.

Or dynamic love in general.

Why are my levels irregular and incohesive to the way everyone else's levels sit? My toolbox wasn't equipped with a twenty-first century, socially accepted level, so I made my own and being sort of out of the norms it was a silver ball, one that located the things that I wanted and put them on a plain all of my own.

I'm not making much sense today, I think it's all of the things I have to do in the near future piling up to the point where I forgot to pay a bill and I didn't answer that one email, I lost my wallet then found it in a man's pocket, couldn't charge my ipod because my arms wouldn't let me plug it in, and I leave my bedroom light on constantly.

I am not sleep deprived, but I've reached my own level of exhaustion where life starts to make sense in triangles and silver balls and colours, as opposed to dynamics of sound or physics or plausible discourse, it just ocntinues to flow through my head and fingertips apparently...to you.

I'm going to miss thinking onto the screen, or thinking through my appendages that refer to the keys that tell the screen what to look like and say. I think that my thoughts don't seem to think right sometimes, I wish my sentences grew and made sense, like in a flower pot somewhere in the corner that I could water and watch grow, as opposed to work to get them down somehwere.

What I've been trying to get at is that I love you, and I think that if you were a colour it would be purple, your aura is purple, and if you don't know where that's from...you haven't lived yet and I'm sorry. Ask me about it or something. I think that everybody deserves a colour shade of love, so, I dunno, choose something, I like the colour green, I wish that when everybody realised love they'd see green, 'cause well, yeah, I've got enough love to make up for everybody.

um, well, LOVE,

Jess :]