[one hundred, two]
I realised that I don't have the right purifier for my fish's water, and that just adds to the disappointments that I output over the day's course on a normal, casual, no expectancy day, not even a day where I have a to-do list and things to actually attend to. I have this feeling that, although I feel pretty darn satisfied with my first exam, the next week will be filled with enough cramming to make anyone's eyes pop, and mine can pop pretty far, if ya know what I mean.
Have you seen Dumbo? You know the part where the song 'baby of mine' is on, and Dumbo's Mama is cuddling him with her trunk, but through the bars of her cage thing, and it is so emotional and sad? I feel like that moment everytime I hang up the phone with my family, like I can be so close to them yet so far away. I have this feeling that I just want to hold their hand, my brother's hand, or my mom's hand, when I know they need me, but I can't because I just can't get there. I have this constant impending need to hold everyone's hand, to be here, but only when they need me. I'm always here for everyone, no matter what, but it's more pronounced when they need me. I just miss the feeling of holding someone's hand, I miss Kyle's little hand, the little fingers that don't quite reach around mine, but they hold on so tight and I know he'll never let me go.
And as I sit here and cry while I type all of this out, I realise how much I need people too. The amount of people and people who rely on me, and I rely on them, I need someone to hold my hand once in a while. And I have friends who do, and I am just so lucky for that. When my wings break I've got someone to bring me a bandaid, and not just one person. I miss the feeling of being held though, and it's hard to replace that. I wish things were different sometimes, and other times I just want everything to not change. Today, I wish things would just stay the same. I want to finish exams, and then keep every friend at the same distance, width, beat, memory, laugh, as it is right now.
And this summer, I'm going to set down a lawn chair beside my family at a camp fire, and I will be quiet because I usually am, and miss how things are right now because I know things won't stay the same. I'm going to embrace them, and hold the hands of the memories I make today, but keep one hand open for new hands to come, because that's important too. I think today I've cried during every episode of Friends I have watched, I'm on disk two of season ten, so the series is coming to an end, and Pheobe's getting married and Monica and Chandler are getting a baby and Rachel and Ross are almost together, and I just realised that everything is coming to an end for the year, but so many things are beginning at the same time. This year has been too rocky for me to just give up now.
I needed a good cry today, I needed some comforting Regina Spektor and the silly face of my fish to get me down, and to just sit here and cry it all out. I don't feel stupid saying that either, because everyone needs to let themselves be vulnerable once in a while, it's the definition of beauty, I think anyways. One thing that I absolutely love about today? I can hear my nails tap against the keyboard. I've always wanted to have nails long enough, but when I am anxious or nervous or scared I bite them so they've never been long enough. I have had them painted for a couple of weeks now, and they're long enough to make the noise...That's a triumph for the day, and I just smiled through my tears.
That's a funny thing about when I cry, I always laugh, and laugh and laugh till I hurt inside, but I'm still crying. A huge pet peeve of mine is when people ask me if I'm okay when I cry. Nope, I'm not, so don't ask. That's why I like to be alone, and that's why I usually cry in the shower, because the tears mix with the water on my face, and the lines of my emotions are blurred, and I just feel so alone, and in that moment I reach the point of happiness again, and I'm laughing.
So, if you haven't seen Dumbo, watch it, it's worth the tears just for that moment of precious love, and happiness, and joy and ignorance of bliss in that moment. I want to hold your hand, don't you forget it.
Take care,
Jess :]
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