[two hundred, eighteen]
I am in the middle of studying for my music exam on saturday, and I am beginning to just rely on my gut instinct since most of it is music common sense, that I feel like I have. I spent the day at work, doing office-work related things, and then I moved a whole bunch of things into the house, and to be honest, I wish I didn't have so many things.
I hate it.
I don't hate the fact that I seem materialistic because I have so many things, because really, a lot of it is for my vision, or a bed, or essentials. It's just that there is so many things that I could probably do without... I have a personal goal that is beginning right now: Throw out/give away a lot in the next two weeks. Clothes, shoes, etc. I can do this I know I can! I just have to have a steady hand when it comes to letting go of things.
My name is Jessica and I am a packrat.
I just have so many memories in all kinds of different things, clothing, flowers, magazines, it's insane the type of things I have laying around. I believe I have a sticker from my first dentist visit when I was three, and it is a scratch and sniff, and it has never been moved out of its sticker book. I am not really proud of this habit, it may be the whole emotional sensitive imaginative memories issue that goes along with me being compassionate, things that I don't think are necessarilly terrible traits, to say the least, may even be desireable.
I just think it's the fact that I have detachment anxiety from any of these things. I can't throw anything out or give anything away. I may use that half used notebook someday, I may wear the six year old snow white shirt from eightth grade, it is just a hard thing to do for me, a lot of things mean a lot to me.
I suppose that goes with people too, I really care about the people I am friends with, and music. I link things together, I link memories with people and sensory scents and sounds. I cry a lot about the past because I loved so many things and people that are no longer here, but it is all about paying respect. My grandfather once reminded me of 'don't cry for me argentina,' while mourning for a recently past loved one, which basically told me that they wouldn't want me to be sad.
That's how I'm gonig to be when I am gone. Or what I want to happen, rather. I want to be remembered in these happy, strong days. I want people to have champagne and smile at my wake and funeral, not cry and listen to sad music. I won't demand a certain oasis song 'live forever' as a best friend of mine has, but I will not request people to spend the day being sad. No siree.
Now onto a little less depressing note, I am almost done my busy as hell summer, as of Saturday at around five or five thirty, I will be done my class and my work, and I will be ready to DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY. I intend to. Also, expect about a week's lapse in blogs starting friday, as I won't have internet from then until possibly next thursday. The blogs will, however, become interesting again. This is all means to rejoice.
Take a lot evening for me, cheers,
Jess :]
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