[two hundred, fifty-eight]
Why is happiness so unattainable in the easiest of conditions. I'm blaming it on a form of homesickness, or just something is wrong with me. Everyone says taht, oh there's something wrong with me, and they are probably some pretentious bitch with an attitude problem, but it makes me think and feel like there may be something seriously wrong, something wrong here now.
I've been thinking things like my dreams are better than being up and awake, better than seeing the people I love. Why do I feel like this is the way I should live? To be honest, I did that, I lived for the dreams and I ended up being so disappointed with reality that it turned into..well, when it got too unbearable, I started reading again and doing things that I used to like to do. Read, and write, and watch different underground interesting movies and going for drives and being silly again, dancing to Moulin Rouge again, and I think I need that now.
I'm going to give it a try, baby, 'cause I need to be okay, and I won't be living for the night time anymore, unless it's going out with the people I love. I'm going to read for me again, I am going to work out for me, and I'm going to sing again.. and dance. I never dance anymore. I haven't lost myself, I'm just struggling to keep myself from being smothered from some psychosis, some undecipherable over powering force that drips down my thoughts and freezes. It removes my will, but I've got more fire than that.
I want to be happy, I have determination.
I just need a little help from my friends..
As much as I may not be happy, or okay with myself being in this unsorted feeling and state of uncertainty, I'm not forgetting that I have people to care about, and people who I depend on depend on me. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still here, I'm just gonna need a little bit more of a push to get a reaction, and I'm trying my best here, kid.
love always,
Jess :]
ps. three squeezes
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