you have got to be kidding me,

[thirty-five]



Smothered in blankets of snow I watched the world move on without me. My eyes glazed over with icy disbelief, and the snow calmed my body into a frozen numbness. I felt no pain, no, the pain left me after a while. There was nothing but numb knowledge that this was real, this was actually happening to me.



and there was people around, standing above me, they knew I was there, buried, covered... But they didn't notice my falling asleep body, my eyes frozen open but seeing nothing. the snow straight jacket restricted me from screaming, from turning this disaster into the end. It kept me in my body, it kept me down. It was keeping me down to the ground near the earth beyond the material buildings grass and snow. I lay there, freezing, freezing.



But I was not freezing to my death, the cold numbness kept me there. The pain was gone, but I was cold. I could feel the cold covering me, taking me hostage and sinking its teeth deep into every inch of my body. I knew I was alive then, I was living. I was feeling this thing hit me again and again like bricks like unexpected brick after brick.



I lay there, trapped in my own head trapped by the snow and the cold and the pain, and I kept thinking over and over that this was my fault. I had put myself here. I had secluded myself. I had dug the hole in which I now lie, in which now the blankets pack me tightly under their kee[ig, to be tortured and mislead to dead ends for eternity.



Well, maybe not eternity, there was distinct hope that this eternity would not last forever. The people hovering above, I could feel their warmth. I could feel their hands digging, looking, searching for me to take away the numb. Take away my pain. Take away the cold. To embrace me in this warmth I knew and loved and missed. I needed that, but for now it would have to wait. For now I had to come to terms with it myself.



Suffocating in the deep blankets of the earth, in the cold snow-ridden earth where I was. I needed to breath, but my breath was bated, standing still inches from my nose, teasing to come back but never came. Relief did not come.


February 5, 2011 - Jess