outrage

[thirty-seven] (i messed up the numbers..)


I need a break from the stories for one day, just to explain a little about this montha dn get some thoughts all figured out. So for February I'm going to do all prose, all stories everyday, except once a week so I can organise my real thoughts. If you haven't noticed, the stories have tunred into more of a morbid rant style, something have been happening and I really have just been trying to find ways to deal with it, and I turned to the things that make me most happy, unfortunately one of those things fucked me over, so he's just not going to be mentioned anymore.

I turned to my music, yeah I play it loud and yeah its not always sad and depressing, but whats with the stereotype of having to lsiten to sad music while being sad? I can deal with a little more light rock, but I cannot deal with some sad shit when I wanna be uplifted. Isn't that the opposite of what you want? Unless comfort is not the goal, and forunately for me, I want comfort.

The other thing is my writing, which in turn has taken a bludgering toll, since I've been mis-spelling everything and not editing at all and basically turning my thoughts into rampant rage on the blog scene, but it works for me because I can just sit here and scream and cry at the computer and no one can truly get inside my head to feel what I feel, this is the closest thing I could think of.

One more thing would be my friends, whom have not been upset when I'm not completely there, or don't have anything to say, or just want to lay and cry or not talk about it at all. I knew they'd be here, I just want them to know I appreciate it and that although nothing they say will ever make it better, it helps knowing that they're there at all.

As for my thoughts, I've been doing self reflecting, remembering what makes me happy for me, spending time alone and really getting into things with myself. Realising my opinions on things clash with other people's and that I am okay with that. Realising that I am too hard on myself mainly with my schoolwork and therefore I'm laying off, so what if I get a seventy? I want a seventy five average, I'll just keep doing what I'm good at and it I'm not good at something it's not the end of the world, I'll just deal with it. I need some more hobbies, but I'm working on that too, even if they're unproductive or time-wasters, if they take my mind off of things than it is okay.

So here we are, looking at a new February day (its like three pm but that is alright with me(. I have no motivation to do antyhing academic whatsoever, however I know I should probably read a play or something... I don't want to, I don't want to think about school I don't want to think about anything, but nothing numbs the mind, unofrtuantely for me.

So I'll end it with my ourage. My plain outrage or disrespect, and dishonesty, and mistrust. And the fact that although I may not be perfect by any means, I may have many flaws, I may say the wrong things all the time or not say specifically what I mean or mess up with my words or not be sensitive enough or be too reliant. I by no means do I not respect or love myself. See how selfish that sounds? I guess you already know what selfish is though, don't you?

So I'm off to decide if I'm going to read that play or just watch a movie and sleep, I'm voting for the latter but you never know. I doubt he'll ever read this but if you do, I love you, and you hurt me so badly, and I can't believe you, but please don't do this. I hope everone is having a wonderful february! I feel like I can't really put my own words into my stories, I feel like I start writing them and then I just continue going and going and they're done when they're done and I can't just put an end "hope everyone has a wonderufl day!" so assume that I always say that.

That is how I know these blogs are good for me, except when its destructive to how If eel about myself.

Take care, love always,

Jess :]

ps, never give up on yourself, never second guess yourself, never forget that you are strong.