[three hundred, eleven]
Have you ever seen the little mermaid? the dog in that movie is adorable, the one that saves prince eric and can hardly see from all of the hair in its eyes? I am super picky about dogs, and I don't know why. It's a weird thing to be picky about, I think, because they are just like any other being, just a personality in a different body, but I think that even the personality could be defined by the breeding. Ouch, I'm an ass, I take that back.
I just like the orange labs the best...
Today has just been the weirdest day. I woke up this morning thinking that I had the most wonderful sleep, and then ended up having a terrible, absolutely unbearable headache all day and no amount of water would help, and so tomorrow if it sticks around I'm taking some tylenol, but seriously it ruined all productivity today other than a little bit of research and reading, which I guess is okay.
I'm just disappointed, I guess.
I am so hot right now. When I get hot I get unfortunately moody, unpleasant, I am uncomfortable and I hate it. I wish that I wasn't so readable like this, but if I'm hot my hair goes up and clothes come off, can't help it, it's unreasonable for me to have to be uncomfortable due to temperature... I hate it.
It'd be nice if it were Christmas now, atleast there'd be snow. I'm actually so excited for the snow, I can't wait. I want to wear my boots and cosy sweaters and drink hot drinks and not feel uncomfortable. I'll probably sit outside a lot, I like sitting outside it's nice.
One thing you'll learn about me is that I like my schedule to be the way I like. If it's written down I don't like to change it, so I'd rather not change things but if it's in advance it's okay. If something's scheduled, it's happening, and so tonight as I schedule tomorrow I leave a large open space in the middle of my day for "varied homework" as I will try to study for atleast something... And possibly figure out when my last midterm is (December?)
So tonight I hope everyone has a wonderful sleep. Go to bed early or late whatever you like, and just enjoy it. Think about all of the marvelous wonders of the world tha are around you, the wind when nature's on the brink of winter, the birds that cling to the leave-less trees hoping for some sort of release from the cold...
I heard a bhird today, it was singing, I was about to enter into a buiding but I lingered... I wanted to keep listening, I love hearing stories..
Take care,
Jess :]
Monday, November 7, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
breakfast in, dinner downtown
[three hundred, ten]
Everyone should go right now and watch When Harry Met Sally. It is the cutest movie, about best friends and love and how people are, relationships. I think that's why I love it so much, because it is about the way people are together. I love being around people, but sometimes I rather just sitting alone and watching how people are, their conversations, the way they act around other people, mannerisms, etc. I am a boring person interested in fascinating things.
Fascinating. I think that I am getting tired, too tired to write within substance. My head has been full of different and diverse thoughts today, about trust and loyalty and honesty, most of all commitment. I have been a nutcase since I developed my me, but I never thought I'd hurt anyone in the process. I do my best to keep the destress to just me.
I want to go on a road trip, and sing and get take out fast food and sleep in the mountains. I want to drink wine in a cheap motel on the side of the interstate. I want to find america. I want to be out there, and wear jeans and sweaters and kiss with lipstick on. I want to high five in the middle of the night. I want to sleep in the backseat one night, bad.
I think everyone should experience extreme best, best friend-dom. The kind of bestfriend when you know when something's wrong, and you know when they're in a good mood just by a phone call or a short text, you know that they need you or they don't, you know and they know, and there are hardly any words exchanged. My best firend, CB, is my baby, my rock, and she is the best thing in my life sometimes, all the time, a constant, she makes me laugh teears when I'm in chaos and have to have surgery for going blind, I bring her the cookie when she is about to go under, we talk constantly, we are in love.
She is my soulmate.
I want her to be with me for everything, and I know that she will be and I will be there. That is what I hope for everyone. I have lots of friends, some good friends, but only a handful of best friends. Absolute, unbelievable, best friends.
CB, I love you, twelve years ago we began to play hp hotel in your basement on rollerblades, twelve years later we're still watching six christmas movies in one day and eat the extra order of swiss chalet fries just because they are so damn good. And the lemon merengue pie, of course. This Christmas? Won't be disappointing!
Love, always,
Jess :]
Everyone should go right now and watch When Harry Met Sally. It is the cutest movie, about best friends and love and how people are, relationships. I think that's why I love it so much, because it is about the way people are together. I love being around people, but sometimes I rather just sitting alone and watching how people are, their conversations, the way they act around other people, mannerisms, etc. I am a boring person interested in fascinating things.
Fascinating. I think that I am getting tired, too tired to write within substance. My head has been full of different and diverse thoughts today, about trust and loyalty and honesty, most of all commitment. I have been a nutcase since I developed my me, but I never thought I'd hurt anyone in the process. I do my best to keep the destress to just me.
I want to go on a road trip, and sing and get take out fast food and sleep in the mountains. I want to drink wine in a cheap motel on the side of the interstate. I want to find america. I want to be out there, and wear jeans and sweaters and kiss with lipstick on. I want to high five in the middle of the night. I want to sleep in the backseat one night, bad.
I think everyone should experience extreme best, best friend-dom. The kind of bestfriend when you know when something's wrong, and you know when they're in a good mood just by a phone call or a short text, you know that they need you or they don't, you know and they know, and there are hardly any words exchanged. My best firend, CB, is my baby, my rock, and she is the best thing in my life sometimes, all the time, a constant, she makes me laugh teears when I'm in chaos and have to have surgery for going blind, I bring her the cookie when she is about to go under, we talk constantly, we are in love.
She is my soulmate.
I want her to be with me for everything, and I know that she will be and I will be there. That is what I hope for everyone. I have lots of friends, some good friends, but only a handful of best friends. Absolute, unbelievable, best friends.
CB, I love you, twelve years ago we began to play hp hotel in your basement on rollerblades, twelve years later we're still watching six christmas movies in one day and eat the extra order of swiss chalet fries just because they are so damn good. And the lemon merengue pie, of course. This Christmas? Won't be disappointing!
Love, always,
Jess :]
dear life
[three hundred, nine]
This is going to be short, but I'd just like to mention that I am thankful for the people in my life. I am thankful that I have so many people to tuck me in at night and to check that I am up in the morning; so many people to not judge me but to accept me as I am; so many people to love me and for me to love. I am thankful for my friends, my wonderful friends who take care of me and look after the things that I overlook sometimes because I am too busy. I schedule my life for the better, but the people who O surround myself schedule their lives so that although I'm occaisionally a mess, they still make time to take me home and eat soggy popcorn with me, and hug me, lend me a scarf, hold me hand, and let me talk about things that I need to. I need you, so much, thank you.
Thank you.
love,
Jess :]
This is going to be short, but I'd just like to mention that I am thankful for the people in my life. I am thankful that I have so many people to tuck me in at night and to check that I am up in the morning; so many people to not judge me but to accept me as I am; so many people to love me and for me to love. I am thankful for my friends, my wonderful friends who take care of me and look after the things that I overlook sometimes because I am too busy. I schedule my life for the better, but the people who O surround myself schedule their lives so that although I'm occaisionally a mess, they still make time to take me home and eat soggy popcorn with me, and hug me, lend me a scarf, hold me hand, and let me talk about things that I need to. I need you, so much, thank you.
Thank you.
love,
Jess :]
Friday, November 4, 2011
i pretended that it didn't hurt my feelings
[three hundred, eight]
I would let everyone know about the relatively good day I was having but I am deciding against it. When someone means something to me, I tell them, and I show them, and I make them feel it. I surround myself with people who do the same for me. I chose wrong this time it seems, or sometimes it just seems wrong, and I don't wish things were different I just wish that instead of everything being so broken and torn, they'd be fine. I wish that I didn't feel so kept in a bubble. I wish I wasn't so lost in the darkness. I thought you said you would follow me, but I guess not.
I feel like going to sleep but I can't. I feel like being productive but I won't be. I'm back at square one, the way I felt first semester last year where I didn't want to watch the tv shows and movies I loved, and didn't want to read Harry Potter, I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat I was nauseous everyday. I felt like everyday I was stuck in a continuum, I was unmoving, I was in my place but it was alien, it was not my own.
I am in a place that I love and hate now, that I wish was not broken. I need to go lock the door to my house. Everyday is exactly the same. I have a super headache today and this didn't make it any better, and I have to get up relatively early tomorrow and I just want to be...be. I just want to be. Somewhere else, someone else, just for a little while.
Why won't anyone let me just be not?
Pounding, against everything,
raging seriously, a fine line between
losing and sweeping the feelings below
the rug, or the refrigerator,
the times when I slammed every door,
because nobody would listen to me otherwise,
or the backwards times when I let the shower run
for an hour, and I cried
and I cried into the water and it filled my eyes
and my mouth and nose, and the water filled my life,
but it didn't take me under, the pressure of the falling,
but sometimes it feels like I wish I was falling
like in that movie where they fell for hours
and hours and they never reached the bottom,
the bottom is my end, and I want to be there,
but I float inches away,
but no matter how hard I squint,
or try,
I still can't fucking see.
Jess
I would let everyone know about the relatively good day I was having but I am deciding against it. When someone means something to me, I tell them, and I show them, and I make them feel it. I surround myself with people who do the same for me. I chose wrong this time it seems, or sometimes it just seems wrong, and I don't wish things were different I just wish that instead of everything being so broken and torn, they'd be fine. I wish that I didn't feel so kept in a bubble. I wish I wasn't so lost in the darkness. I thought you said you would follow me, but I guess not.
I feel like going to sleep but I can't. I feel like being productive but I won't be. I'm back at square one, the way I felt first semester last year where I didn't want to watch the tv shows and movies I loved, and didn't want to read Harry Potter, I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat I was nauseous everyday. I felt like everyday I was stuck in a continuum, I was unmoving, I was in my place but it was alien, it was not my own.
I am in a place that I love and hate now, that I wish was not broken. I need to go lock the door to my house. Everyday is exactly the same. I have a super headache today and this didn't make it any better, and I have to get up relatively early tomorrow and I just want to be...be. I just want to be. Somewhere else, someone else, just for a little while.
Why won't anyone let me just be not?
Pounding, against everything,
raging seriously, a fine line between
losing and sweeping the feelings below
the rug, or the refrigerator,
the times when I slammed every door,
because nobody would listen to me otherwise,
or the backwards times when I let the shower run
for an hour, and I cried
and I cried into the water and it filled my eyes
and my mouth and nose, and the water filled my life,
but it didn't take me under, the pressure of the falling,
but sometimes it feels like I wish I was falling
like in that movie where they fell for hours
and hours and they never reached the bottom,
the bottom is my end, and I want to be there,
but I float inches away,
but no matter how hard I squint,
or try,
I still can't fucking see.
Jess
Thursday, November 3, 2011
the seven
[three hundred, seven]
I don't know what to say today. How many blogs do I start with that? I had such a good day today, and I'm hoping that I won't be too stressed out for the rest of this month. I put up christmas lights in my room today... I need more.
I love the families I have. I refer to my real fam and my friends as family, and that's because they mean that much to me... I wish they knew that more often. I love people.
I'm not feeling fantastic, but I started a new scarf for me today so I'm hoping to finish that before next week when I'm hoping it snows so I can wear my new winter coat. I love winter around christmastime.
I love this band. A lot.
I wish that I listened to the radio more, because the channels that I like are the best kinds, the classic rock with the music that makes me smile a lot more than anything I'd hear at a bar or in a restaurant. I think that everyone should invest in a..... Guess who album, that's probably the best album I've invested in a long time ago. I love them, a lot.
Have a good night? This post has been irrelevant. I'm too tired and sort of upset for this right now.
take care,
Jess
I don't know what to say today. How many blogs do I start with that? I had such a good day today, and I'm hoping that I won't be too stressed out for the rest of this month. I put up christmas lights in my room today... I need more.
I love the families I have. I refer to my real fam and my friends as family, and that's because they mean that much to me... I wish they knew that more often. I love people.
I'm not feeling fantastic, but I started a new scarf for me today so I'm hoping to finish that before next week when I'm hoping it snows so I can wear my new winter coat. I love winter around christmastime.
I love this band. A lot.
I wish that I listened to the radio more, because the channels that I like are the best kinds, the classic rock with the music that makes me smile a lot more than anything I'd hear at a bar or in a restaurant. I think that everyone should invest in a..... Guess who album, that's probably the best album I've invested in a long time ago. I love them, a lot.
Have a good night? This post has been irrelevant. I'm too tired and sort of upset for this right now.
take care,
Jess
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
everybody's pain in the river it goes
[three hundred, six]
Down the drain it goes.
I just realised while washing my hands that everybody has simple little things that they may think are weird and mundane and unique to themselves, and may be embarassed to share but really everyone does them. Everyone forgets to close the fridge door or lock the front door or pack a lunch, sometimes it's easy to leave your computer unlocked or forget a paper at home, a lot of these things have to do with memory.
I find memories fascinating. I remember the earliest thing in my life being my third birthday party, where I had the prettiest beauty and the beat cake and my mom invited everyone in the world into the kitchen to sing me happy birthday, and I cried. I remember thinking to myself that my mom invited everyone inside to scare me, but it was all okay in the end, I got cake.
People remember the oddest things, in the oddest ways, in the most peculiar situations. What I remember about the Great Gatsby is probably a different message than someone else, and I probably remember the same part differently than someone else. Thus exploiting the cohesiveness and the instability of thought between people. Everyone thinks, just not in the same way.
So when I look back on my memories, I try to focus on details that I don't remember, the pictures that are blurred and that maybe other people who were there would remember better than I. I remember where I was when both my brother and sister were born, I remember what I was thinking when my great grandmother died and I had to go to school that day, I remember how anticlimactic graduation ceremony was.
But I don't remember the little moments, the tiny things that happened everyday of my life this summer, the kisses, the hugs from my sister, the conversations on the beach or over text message or in the car, and that bothers me. I want to remember everything, not just the big bullshits.
I don't write journals, I don't take notes on life, I don't make mental lists of what everyone wants for christmas. I'm sparatic and clumsy and unfascinating, but I do remember certain things, tidbits, about people about personalities about likes and dislikes, that sometimes make the difference.
and a snowflake falls in may,
Don't forget the special things, and don't forget the little things in life that make you smile. think of something beautiful, and run for it. Keep the fire going. I've been having this issue lately with motivation, so, I've created rewards for myself. I've earned some things and I've decided that I deserve to be okay.
YOU DESERVE TO BE OKAY.
So convince yourself, damnit, and just, don't lose what makes you you, because when you forget who you are, and you forget the better things, and you forget all about the memories and the happiness and the feeling, the numbness won't kiss you before you sleep, somebody's gotta do that for you, unfortunately.
goodnight,
Jess xox
Down the drain it goes.
I just realised while washing my hands that everybody has simple little things that they may think are weird and mundane and unique to themselves, and may be embarassed to share but really everyone does them. Everyone forgets to close the fridge door or lock the front door or pack a lunch, sometimes it's easy to leave your computer unlocked or forget a paper at home, a lot of these things have to do with memory.
I find memories fascinating. I remember the earliest thing in my life being my third birthday party, where I had the prettiest beauty and the beat cake and my mom invited everyone in the world into the kitchen to sing me happy birthday, and I cried. I remember thinking to myself that my mom invited everyone inside to scare me, but it was all okay in the end, I got cake.
People remember the oddest things, in the oddest ways, in the most peculiar situations. What I remember about the Great Gatsby is probably a different message than someone else, and I probably remember the same part differently than someone else. Thus exploiting the cohesiveness and the instability of thought between people. Everyone thinks, just not in the same way.
So when I look back on my memories, I try to focus on details that I don't remember, the pictures that are blurred and that maybe other people who were there would remember better than I. I remember where I was when both my brother and sister were born, I remember what I was thinking when my great grandmother died and I had to go to school that day, I remember how anticlimactic graduation ceremony was.
But I don't remember the little moments, the tiny things that happened everyday of my life this summer, the kisses, the hugs from my sister, the conversations on the beach or over text message or in the car, and that bothers me. I want to remember everything, not just the big bullshits.
I don't write journals, I don't take notes on life, I don't make mental lists of what everyone wants for christmas. I'm sparatic and clumsy and unfascinating, but I do remember certain things, tidbits, about people about personalities about likes and dislikes, that sometimes make the difference.
and a snowflake falls in may,
Don't forget the special things, and don't forget the little things in life that make you smile. think of something beautiful, and run for it. Keep the fire going. I've been having this issue lately with motivation, so, I've created rewards for myself. I've earned some things and I've decided that I deserve to be okay.
YOU DESERVE TO BE OKAY.
So convince yourself, damnit, and just, don't lose what makes you you, because when you forget who you are, and you forget the better things, and you forget all about the memories and the happiness and the feeling, the numbness won't kiss you before you sleep, somebody's gotta do that for you, unfortunately.
goodnight,
Jess xox
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
happy and neat in the orders on the shelf
[three hundred, five.]
I hurt today. Seems like everything has been worn out, along with this headache I'm ready for it to release its hold on my attitude, it seems to dictate the energy levels I exude aswell. Let's hope this shit gives up soon, I'm not digging this.
I've been doing nonstop homework it feel,s, other than an hour for supper and an hour for glee, and now I'm thinking about bed. I should read but I don't think my eyes can take it today, not today. I will try to answer questions in class tomorrow, I'll try my absolute best. I feel like lately all I've been doing is trying my best.
And apparently it's paying off, since that's what you're supposed to do, your best. I just feel like I almost don't appreciate it within myself, I don't see the merit. I need to see my results in order to feel good about doing my best, and lately it hasn't been that successful in uplifting anything inside of me.
Rocky road in the month ahead. People wonder why I cling to Christmas so much in November, but it is obvious. I eat candy canes and watch movies because without these simple joys I lose my mind this time of year. Assignments, closing down essays and projects, finals, christmas shopping, the anticipation of the climactic holiday, eveyrthing seems to be in rising towards the end.
But it isn't the end.
We have to come back to school in January, and when that semester is over, we have to work all summer. The cycle continues until you think you're really at the end. Graduation. And then what? You work, nonstop, until you retire. I feel like my life is leading up to retirement, and I'm trying to make the best of the working days.
This is why I want a job that I am going to be passionate about and love, so that when I wake up in the morning at seven am I won't be moaning about sitting in a boring lecture with a bitch prof and all of the assignments and readings I have to do, but I will be looking forward.
I am trying to see ahead of me, but gosh it's just too misty, so I'd rather just sit this one out.
I am a positive person, but every now and then I drift back into my cave and I wish that my life were that of someone who could just enjoy it. Why can't I enjoy it, you may ask! Well that's a great question, let me know if you ever find out the answer.
I'm tired, I'm going to put a Christmas episode of the office on and sleep now, goodnight my love,
Jess :]
I hurt today. Seems like everything has been worn out, along with this headache I'm ready for it to release its hold on my attitude, it seems to dictate the energy levels I exude aswell. Let's hope this shit gives up soon, I'm not digging this.
I've been doing nonstop homework it feel,s, other than an hour for supper and an hour for glee, and now I'm thinking about bed. I should read but I don't think my eyes can take it today, not today. I will try to answer questions in class tomorrow, I'll try my absolute best. I feel like lately all I've been doing is trying my best.
And apparently it's paying off, since that's what you're supposed to do, your best. I just feel like I almost don't appreciate it within myself, I don't see the merit. I need to see my results in order to feel good about doing my best, and lately it hasn't been that successful in uplifting anything inside of me.
Rocky road in the month ahead. People wonder why I cling to Christmas so much in November, but it is obvious. I eat candy canes and watch movies because without these simple joys I lose my mind this time of year. Assignments, closing down essays and projects, finals, christmas shopping, the anticipation of the climactic holiday, eveyrthing seems to be in rising towards the end.
But it isn't the end.
We have to come back to school in January, and when that semester is over, we have to work all summer. The cycle continues until you think you're really at the end. Graduation. And then what? You work, nonstop, until you retire. I feel like my life is leading up to retirement, and I'm trying to make the best of the working days.
This is why I want a job that I am going to be passionate about and love, so that when I wake up in the morning at seven am I won't be moaning about sitting in a boring lecture with a bitch prof and all of the assignments and readings I have to do, but I will be looking forward.
I am trying to see ahead of me, but gosh it's just too misty, so I'd rather just sit this one out.
I am a positive person, but every now and then I drift back into my cave and I wish that my life were that of someone who could just enjoy it. Why can't I enjoy it, you may ask! Well that's a great question, let me know if you ever find out the answer.
I'm tired, I'm going to put a Christmas episode of the office on and sleep now, goodnight my love,
Jess :]
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