sick of it ick of it ck of it of it fit it t

[sixty six]

I like smiles.

I've figured that without a smile, then your day really isn't going anywhere. When I went to the hospital a lot for my surgeries, I used to smile at everyone I saw. It was early in the morning, and I had read somewhere that if you start your day off with a smile, then you will internally reflect that positivity. I therefore have this theory, that regardless of the time or where I am or what I'm wearing or what I'm doing, I smile to everyone I see. It's a happiness condition, and even if it doesn't end up brightening their day, atleast they know that there's hope for a smile in someone else in the world. There is hope that a smile is as contagious as it should be. I find that, since I can't see faces anymore, I get really depressed in the mornings, because I can't see if anyone else is smiling back. I have to trust in the goodness of humanity and people that I see that they are smiling back, and even if they aren't, I can't see them anyway. It's all in my head.

:)

Until tomorrow,

Jess :]

good will and silly hats

[sixty five]

I am most excited to have my own place for the reasons of my own privacy except for one: dinner parties. I love potlucks, I love people getting together, I love meeting people and watching people, I think it is just the best time spent. I know people who have dinner parties and love them, I love having dinner parties and potlucks, but I also love going to them. I like to play hostess, but to play the guest is a lot of fun as well! I think it shows great quality of friendship, but it also speaks to their politeness and grasp for balance of their life.

If you don't gotz the skillz, then you don't gotz the skillz, bro.

So I guess I'm excited to get out the good china, make chicken, serve drinks, play some board games and karoake, that's what everyone else does, right? I was at a dinner party once with my parents at a huge farm house in my home town, it is a small town and out in the boonies you really know how to get people together. There were lots of children and food and dips and people, and it was just the most enjoyable experience. I had a dip that had salsa and cheese but it was cream cheese, how is that not incredible? I miss those days where I could go to one of those and be at the age where the kids were younger than me, too young to play, and the adults were talking, and I was too young to talk as well. So I could just enjoy myself by watching everyone talk or play, and I could eat all that I wanted!

There's an episode of The Office with Steve Carrell where Jim has a dinner party and he gives everyone from the office a tour of his home, and I feel like that brings back fond memories. If it was the first time people were in my house, my mom would make me clean my room and wash up for the company. My mom is great for dinner parties, we set the table nice and everything. Now that I've got to depend on myself for such entertainment, I think that it should be super fun!

I don't know why I felt like talking about this today, or talking about the dinner parties or my mom, but it just came to my mind. I feel like I've been so tired for so long that I want to just go to a dinner party and relax, I almost want it to be a blind dinner party so I could wear track pants and slippers, and no one would judge me, and I could wear killer perfume and eat cream cheese salsa and cracker dip for ever.

I also would like to just say quickly that I wish the snow would go away.

Take care!

Jess :]

hug me!

[sixty four]

Have you ever heard one song and you knew that you've heard it somewhere but it was a remake and you liked it a lot better than the first? I have found that in a Feist song that she does, it's a duet called 'Islands in the stream' and I really enjoy it. It is so much more low key than the origina; by Dolly Parton. Maybe it's the lack of the country bounce, the blonde, or the fast-paced beat, but Feist and her duet partener really have it going on. The beat is just so soft, so different, and I love this song. It makes me think of just a lazy afternoon on a grey Saturday watching movies with a group of friends that you love, or heading out to the mall with the girls on a grey saturday afternoon, or getting ready for a party night with the ones you love on a grey saturday afternoon. Nasically, this song is my life today.

So if you're having a lazy grey saturday afternoon, put on this song, and forget the world outside and loves the ones you love, and have a wonderful day.

with love,

jess :]

chapped tee's break your knee's

[sixty three]

Today is the first day that I truly believed in the weatherman. Not that I have read the newspaper, watched the news, listened to the radio OR checked the website to see if they've been predicting rain spring snow or hail, however, I have faith that this is the first nip of spring! Finally I can whip out the spring jacket, my trench, my sunnies, the flats, the tunes that come with the warm weather. Give me a Beach Boys song and the movie Gidget and I'll be surfin' aaaaall day long.

Along with my good faith today it has come to my attention taht people hate good music. I don't hate your hate, but I hate the way you hate my love. Hate hate hate. I've already written a blog on hate last month in a rant story about the sexual revolution in the sixties and Vietnam, and I've finally accepted that if I can't be a history major I can be an honourary mention at least. I think I'm going to immerse myself in the future of my english majoring when I have to take the centuries lit. and learn the history on the side so I actually understand things. If the world believed in love and music and good will, everyone would be marginally happier.

My historical interest branches from Canadian natives to Victorian British imperialists in the Congo to Elizabethan hairstyles to the ancient Trojan wars to American thirties culture, and not only does every topic listed have some sort of investment in my life, but it definitely drags me deeper and down into the meaning of my being here, although that is something entirely different than the matter of my interest in history or not. I think that it would be interesting to know history in order to plan for a better future, call me old fashioned but I like the idea of educated leaders.

I believe in a future of mistakes.

So if you believe it or not, history shapes who we are today. No modern indie band today would be anyway without their classic roots in British pop culture and American bands. Post-modern artists would be nowhere without art history or fine arts. Any inspirational leader of today would be nowhere without the backbone bases from their ancestors. I would be nowhere today without my history, without the history that surrounds me everyday. Now I'll cut the cheese, just pay attention in history class and to the after school specials, they know their shit.

My feet are cold from the rain
my nose is cold from the drops
floating back on clouds it felt
like falling, while running
and I left my head at home
but today I found it in the gutter
and I ran home, I flew home
singing of yesterday
and yesterday
created today.

Take care,

Jess :]

let's be cheesy, I happen to like cheese.

[sixty two]

Do you self punish?

I read an article today about punishment and consequence and that whole bit and it got me thinking about self consequence, shame, guilt, hatred, interior detrimentality as opposed to that of exterior influence. What do people do to punish themselves? I personally freeze myself, or there is some strict deprivation involved. I think it would be interesting to know what people do, not for the sake of aquiring ideas for future need, but I mean more for the mental stability of people, and the wants values and needs of those people.

The article included a little bit about psychotic breaks, psycho-analysis and what non, I feel like a mental case on a daily basis already, who says I need to get an official statement paper on it? I think that self punishment isn't a singular idea from my head, and since I've been lectured a lot to about shame and inner guilt lately I feel that this is appropriate. Consciience. Everyone has different levels of guilt according to their conscience, and I think that it shows a lot about the morality of a person and gauges their mental interest by their involvement with their conscience and if they act in the moral capacity of it. If there is a God, does he rule the values that certain people base their mental moral compasses off of? Or does everyone just have a natural, biological nervous impulse of guilt? I'm no psycho-scientist, but it doesn't mean I'm not interested in it.

Why does guilt affect some people and not others? Consider the topic of abortion. Say you are young and in a bad situation, does that give you the guilt-free card? Does someone still feel the guilt, and if so, does that continue to hang over their heads in bleeeding punishment for the rest of their lives, or does it just get erased one day? I don't have any answers, but I do have a personal theory or tactic to deal with guilt.

If I regret something, and I believe that regret has a lot to contribute to guilt, I usually think about it really hard. I accept it in its true form and realise and acknowledge that in my life and that it has happened. Then, I put it in a mental box (ooooh repression!) and then put it at the back of the shelf until the day when I will regret something else. I think that it isn't healthy, and I think that in my case I could spend a whole lot longer thinking about the things that make me not so much guilty but they are things that really should be addressed in order for me to grow as a person, and to figure out who I am and where I fit in in the world.

I think that everyone has a box, but not everyone takes the right steps to polish it.

Regardless of psychotic breaks or mental cases, guilt is universal. Conscience is universal. I don't think anyone is so lovingly exempt from human feelings and can escape the shame and inner detrimentality that comes with self=punishment. mistakes are a part of life, and if that is how we have to learn then that is how we have to learn. Our brains learn things by trial and error and other methods, that is a biological psychological fact. If that is what we need to do in order to attain higher knowledge and better social skills and mental skills, then I don't see the issue in working on it.

So, if you have a brain and feel guilt and the capacity for an open mind, take a leap this evening and pick the box off of the shelf and open it up. Look at the things that have shaped who you are and accept them, and put them maybe not in a box, but hang them on a hanger in the back of the closet. Get a grasp on yourself, people.

I've had kind of a stressful day and I have no doubt that tomorrow will be just as disappointing, and probably will be until about April twenty second, so stay tuned for some more morally-based blogity blogs.

Until Tomorrow,

Jess :]

the shallow convenience

[sixty one]

Today has been pretty low key, and for the most part I was just thinking about keeping warm, it is amazing how much the body can shivver at a time. I think with the lack of heat outside, and the amount of stress that I have been through lately, my body is ready to collapse. It is weird to think that we don't like to leave animals in extreme heat because they will be uncomfortable, but our bodies adapt. We do that, adapt to our surroundings. If the snow melts in one day and we never see it again, we adapt by celebrating and breaking out the shorts and sandalls, but if conditions are unfavourable to us, we do this thing called complain.

Don't get me wrong, I am a Type A complainer, and I am okay with that. I bash I root for the better I envy I feel hatred and greed, and I think it's almost healthy to complain. If we keep our feelings and opinions inside we'll go insane, and although insanity sounds like a treat it really isn't. Although, everyone is insane in the eyes of others... I think that's the first thing you learn in Freud's school of unconscious concepts to complaining.

I think it is a natural thing to want other things that other people have, or to have the best of everything, and I think that if you want it enough to complain about it, you shouldn't waste your breath and time talking and get into gear. Stop complaining, and jump into action. Nothing revolutionary was accomplished by procrastination, laziness, or solid ass-sitting, however, they all began with a little complaining.

So I don't see it as a total bad thing, the need for change, the striving mind set for wanting to be better or wanting better, I think it gets detrimental to health when you do not act on it. What's the good in complaining about your income when you are complaining and not working? Get off the couch and pick up a few more shifts. If there's something tragic that goes on in your life, look at the positives. I think that positivity and good worth ethic solve complaining and greedy conflict in an instant, it is only a matter of time before it catches on for good.

I also think patience, in it's infinite wisdom and glory, is vital to the survival of finishing anything remotely successful in good time. I think that if you wait long enough, or if you have the good hopes to be content with what you got for the time being, (maybe not karma) but something will come around. I think reciprocity is dead, but good faith isn't.

Our generation, I would dare to say, is one of the complaining. I think what we lack is the initiative to make anything different. If the world's gonna end in 2012 anyway, what's it to us if the environment is any better or if poverty still exists? I think that the big issues are hard to attack and that's what scares us. I also think that we were born into a generation that believed in free will and individuality. Atheists and liberals are common in a common day living situation, and I think that although a liberal upbringing is not undesirable, it has it's limits.

If you were taught not to take crap from teachers or the "man" or the instituation, what rules do you learn? What manners or respect do you learn? If you learned anything in kindegarden it was to be nice to others and they'll return the favour. As I've already mentioned, we live in a time of dead reciprocity, and therefore manners seem to be a useless habit. I think that if you care about osmeone it's common sense that you assume they will do the same back. I think that our generation has lost sight of the purpose of happiness, and that is not the self.

Happiness lives, my friends, in the other.

If you don't know what the other is, it is you in relation to me. It is what the main character of the story sees in itself through others. I see the worse in people throguh others, but I also see the best. I see what I love and hate about myself in other people, but I feel like in the other you habe to trust and learn that this is reciprocity, baby, and it's a good thing.

So if you love yourself, give it up already. I love you, so you can love others. I think that's the point of this rant today. I dare everyone to go a day thinking about everyone but themselves. I DO NOT promote hating yourself, or neglecting yourself, or not loving yourself. I could've said that better. I mean to say that in order to truly appreciate and respect yourself, you need to find that in other people. I think this is the concept of reciprocity that I am trying to get out, and that's the simplest of terms that I could use to explain that.

Holla deep thoughts on a Wednesday night! Tonight's Aggie Pub, my fave, I've been having a hard day so I'm just taking the evening to do some writing and then a lovely dancing night, and then some classes tomorrow and another rant for you!

Take care,

Jess :]

breath of fresh air

[sixty]

Cracking open the window this morning to let in the fresh air and the sunshine I sighed and looked at my poetry books laying on the floor, and kicked them. I do not hate poetry, but man is it hard to come up with ideas everyday for a week. Prose month is over, february is a short month fortunately for me so I can move on to bigger and better things in March!

Today has been my first day since my surgery last Friday for me to actually join in societal activitie, so my main focus for the day has been to stay standing up, not faint, keep breathing, don't wince in pain all the time, etc. I think it went well, I'm not dying now that I have finished all of my classes and have a little down time. I am spending the evening and rest of the afternoon finishing up writing assignments for my playwriting class, all except for my final play that may be a little more deep and entrenched in ym life than I thought.

As for the rest of the week, it doesn't seem too busy but it is. I have two quizzes to potentially finish on Friday, but before I can do that I have to do the readings tomorrow. I have another english assignment being assigned this week as well, along with another assignment being returned. Everything is just falling hard down on my world lately, can't catch a dry spell.

Speaking of lack of work, I have taken up listening to other people's conversations. I think that this is as little invasive as it possibly could be considering the circumstance, I mean, I can't see who they are anyway so it really should not be an issue. However, I think that listening to the way other people speak to eachother about eachother is important in understanding why people are the way they are, and therefore I've been a little quieter than usual lately. I think people don't really notice, not that I am a quiet person or anything, I just think people have stopped really taking notice or caring about me at all; not a huge deal.

Gave you ever studied something so much it makes you hate it? I think that's how I've made Facebook out to be lately. I always swore I was a facebook person, because it is so much more invasive, personal, and ostracising than something like twitter, but I feel more informed and wordldly post-twitter because of the amount of people and variety of people that I can follow.

I follow my favourite youtubers, my close friends, and the new york times world edition. I think these are important to me because I know what is going on in other people's lives right now, and that is the medium of social subjectivity in our society today. I think that our society is based strongly on morals and beams of trust and exploitation to others and strangers and personal friends. I think that in order to be individual and original in a society where identity theft and ideology plagerism is so prominent you need to be reassured of self security and rewarded for being a misfit or different. I think that materialism is the illegitamte love child of facebook and the peace sign.

So if you have a facebook profile page, and remember myspace, and remembe rpiczo websites, and remember chat rooms, and remember when the internet didn't exist and you had to actually see people's faces in order to talk to them and create a bond I challenge you to this: Get a twitter account. This sounds so silly, and you don't have to do it, but twitter search your friends, your favourite actors, your favourite hip musicians, and me (fekkledfudge) and see what's going on outside of facebook. See what people are doing innovatively, see what they are doing to help other people, see what technology has done for the owrld.

Whadda rant, love ya-- I'M BACK

take carem

Jess :]