[three hundred, thirty-nine]
Sixteen days left? What?
triathalon of jumping jacks sometimes are too much
to handle, too much to think about in one serving,
one mouth full of activity,
swelling with drink and ale and bumper sticker sickness,
and illness that infects everybody it pokes everybody,
everybody's jacks are jumped and hearts have beaten,
so they sit down with their knife and fork and spoons,
their patriarchal heads of tables,
heads on backward staring, seeking aquaintence,
acknowledgement in the other's eyes,
demanding atteniton craving the silence that isn't there,
their thirst for more, their working for a common goal,
the worker's together under civilization,
underground under the jacks and the jills,
the windowsills,
sometimes it takes a two four six eight kind of mind,
that single serving of switchboard memories,
to just take into account the feelings one gets when
they turn on
the television,
but turn it off,
during
dinner.
focus: I'm thinking some dinner politics here, but I certainly have no idea.
I think it is important to take into consideration the fact that not everybody in the world eats a sit down meal with their family every evening. It is customary in our family to have famjam dinners, so I am used to it. I am used to serving sizes being compared and the televsion being on most days, or Sundays with Nascar or other days with movies or the news, somedays just the radio so we can listen and cry and cheers ching chink, celebrations sometimes. And sometimes we don't talk at all, those are the weird days. It seems like everyday there is always something irking the family, something that is underneath, undergr the ground of our family features the hierarchy of the heads of the tables the parentals the patriarchal battles, the pants in the family, the physical activity the exhaustion... Everything, except for creativity is allowed at our dinner table, sometimes. I think it isn't fair when he has his spoon on his nose, he should be able to express his laughter and stories any way he wants.
Have a good dinner, tonight, and appreciate the conversation. Regardless if it's with yourself or anyone, that is a simple joy in life that we take for granted.
cheers,
Jess :[
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
it's so funny that, when we, just, that
[three hundred, thirty-eight]
I don't feel like talking a lot tonight. I'm tired, my eyes are starting to really hurt, and I have an even longer studying day on campus tomorrow... It was snowing today, so that's nice, I feel like if it doesn't stick to the ground soon I'm going to flip out. this week is hard enough without snow, my mentality and morale is low, I need some kind of pick-me-up. But studying seems to be going well lately, which makes me feel nice. I hate it when I try to sleep and people are loud. I think that if anyone out there is studying this week they should make nonstop hot chocolates, it's the best way to get through...seriously. I think that the chocolate puts a little pep into an otherwise dreary day. I like it when people smile, smiling's my favourite. I miss my family and my small bed at home and my room, and my christmas tree and watching christmas specials with my family. Ten days until I go home.
This blog is almost done....... I don't know what I'm going to do without it. What will it do without me?
Percellate, probably, steep itself, and then be drank, or dry up before someone gets there.
If anything, I hope you continue to read blogs, not mine or this one obviously... I'm thinking about starting an entirely new one for next year, one that isn't as stringent, but allows me to be creative and rant and write poetry. I love this blog, so much, it has allowed me to expand a lot over the past year. I have fallen back in love with writing, just for me.
And me only.
love,
Jess :]
I don't feel like talking a lot tonight. I'm tired, my eyes are starting to really hurt, and I have an even longer studying day on campus tomorrow... It was snowing today, so that's nice, I feel like if it doesn't stick to the ground soon I'm going to flip out. this week is hard enough without snow, my mentality and morale is low, I need some kind of pick-me-up. But studying seems to be going well lately, which makes me feel nice. I hate it when I try to sleep and people are loud. I think that if anyone out there is studying this week they should make nonstop hot chocolates, it's the best way to get through...seriously. I think that the chocolate puts a little pep into an otherwise dreary day. I like it when people smile, smiling's my favourite. I miss my family and my small bed at home and my room, and my christmas tree and watching christmas specials with my family. Ten days until I go home.
This blog is almost done....... I don't know what I'm going to do without it. What will it do without me?
Percellate, probably, steep itself, and then be drank, or dry up before someone gets there.
If anything, I hope you continue to read blogs, not mine or this one obviously... I'm thinking about starting an entirely new one for next year, one that isn't as stringent, but allows me to be creative and rant and write poetry. I love this blog, so much, it has allowed me to expand a lot over the past year. I have fallen back in love with writing, just for me.
And me only.
love,
Jess :]
Monday, December 5, 2011
its snowing
PTHREE HUNDRED, THIRTY-SEVEN]
wow that was in caps, but the message is clear! It is snowing outside, and I am stuck inside studying for an exam that I have to try to be confident about. I'm confident about nothing I just smile because if you look like you know what you're doing, it usually pulls off. Not in this class. Not ever in this class. I want to cry.
I think the thing that gets me the most is that I feel like I'm not smart because of it. I work so hard, I try my best, and still come up short. I feel like I actually can't get any better if I try my best, and I have been trying, and doing, the best that I can. I am trying desperately to improve...
For Saturday. the day from Hell.
I want to go to sleep, but I can't until I've finished and then calmed down. I don't sleep well during exams because my head doesn't stop, so I try to take measures to allow myself to slow down. It hasn't been working, and my exams don't start until friday. I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best.
Over and over, doing my best, the best, my, me, my best.
And yet, I am still falling short.
Jess
wow that was in caps, but the message is clear! It is snowing outside, and I am stuck inside studying for an exam that I have to try to be confident about. I'm confident about nothing I just smile because if you look like you know what you're doing, it usually pulls off. Not in this class. Not ever in this class. I want to cry.
I think the thing that gets me the most is that I feel like I'm not smart because of it. I work so hard, I try my best, and still come up short. I feel like I actually can't get any better if I try my best, and I have been trying, and doing, the best that I can. I am trying desperately to improve...
For Saturday. the day from Hell.
I want to go to sleep, but I can't until I've finished and then calmed down. I don't sleep well during exams because my head doesn't stop, so I try to take measures to allow myself to slow down. It hasn't been working, and my exams don't start until friday. I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best.
I'm doing my best.
Over and over, doing my best, the best, my, me, my best.
And yet, I am still falling short.
Jess
Sunday, December 4, 2011
hunt down the deadliest hurts
[three hundred, thirty-six]
This is going to be short because I should be studying but I was having trouble finding articles online so now I'm writing this. I sort of have to pee, but I'm going to wait until I really have to. I have to eat the chocolate from my advent calendor, it is a constant adventure finding the correct chocolates to open, I really am a success story, you know.
My computer is really hot and I'm hoping that it doesn't overheat, so I'm thinking about turning it off. I wanted to talk a little bit about Christmas.
Just for a paragraph or two. I don't care about the materials, it's the experience and substance that matters to me. I'd rather spend the day spending nothing but time with someone, rather than pay for things or do things that may be meaningful, but are still just things. We all just have things. Things. They aren't eachother, they aren't what the symbolize, it's the thoughts and meanings we apply to these things that make them meaningful. Strip away the physical thing and you have the meaning. It's irritating when some people have nothing but things.. And hardly any meanings.
Christmas to me is not about things. It's about the smiles exchanged, and the laughter and the love that overpowers during this time of year. Grinches are alone for a reason, and that is because although they may be smart, independently driven people, they have no value for substance. Take a look at your christmas shopping list, and think of who will actually use or find meaning in what you're giving them. I know a couple people that I'm buying for that... Well, if I give them anything chances are they won't remember who gave it to them in a year or two.
How depressing is that? And I am culprit to this, since I don't remember sometimes who gave me what. But meaning is something I apply to the special things. I attribute a signifigant thought or memory to everything, therefore claiming to memory importance and love and substance... I don't do this for everything, but most things.
I challenge you this christmas to take the time to appreciate the effort put into things that happen along the holidays. Dinners, conversations, laughs, hugs, beverages, decorating. Everything that is not a "thing." but a "something meaningful." They're the best part, really.
Love,
Jess :]
This is going to be short because I should be studying but I was having trouble finding articles online so now I'm writing this. I sort of have to pee, but I'm going to wait until I really have to. I have to eat the chocolate from my advent calendor, it is a constant adventure finding the correct chocolates to open, I really am a success story, you know.
My computer is really hot and I'm hoping that it doesn't overheat, so I'm thinking about turning it off. I wanted to talk a little bit about Christmas.
Just for a paragraph or two. I don't care about the materials, it's the experience and substance that matters to me. I'd rather spend the day spending nothing but time with someone, rather than pay for things or do things that may be meaningful, but are still just things. We all just have things. Things. They aren't eachother, they aren't what the symbolize, it's the thoughts and meanings we apply to these things that make them meaningful. Strip away the physical thing and you have the meaning. It's irritating when some people have nothing but things.. And hardly any meanings.
Christmas to me is not about things. It's about the smiles exchanged, and the laughter and the love that overpowers during this time of year. Grinches are alone for a reason, and that is because although they may be smart, independently driven people, they have no value for substance. Take a look at your christmas shopping list, and think of who will actually use or find meaning in what you're giving them. I know a couple people that I'm buying for that... Well, if I give them anything chances are they won't remember who gave it to them in a year or two.
How depressing is that? And I am culprit to this, since I don't remember sometimes who gave me what. But meaning is something I apply to the special things. I attribute a signifigant thought or memory to everything, therefore claiming to memory importance and love and substance... I don't do this for everything, but most things.
I challenge you this christmas to take the time to appreciate the effort put into things that happen along the holidays. Dinners, conversations, laughs, hugs, beverages, decorating. Everything that is not a "thing." but a "something meaningful." They're the best part, really.
Love,
Jess :]
Saturday, December 3, 2011
le big mac'
[three hundred, thirty-five]
You know what's fantastic? The fact that everything in life sort of fits together, but at the same time distance and juissance take over and everything muddles and makes no sense. Why is everything so unsettling? I never feel competely safe. I think it's a part of my mentality that disregards the positivity I need in myself sometimes. I'm trying.
I wear socks because my feet get dry in the winter. It really hurts my feet, somedays I just feel like crying. Why is it unacceptable socially to cry? Why am I a crybaby because when I cry I cry for joy or sadness or pain, or for other people, or just because a time like this happens where I feel like I just need to.
I just need that release.
I'm listening to on my own from les mis, and I'm tired, and I'm trying to be positive and drink in the sunshine bs but I've seriously decided on trying to work my ass off to be better. It's going to be exhausting and I'll probably burn out, but what else can I do? I guess nothing.
I love him, but everyday I'm learning, that all my life, I've only been pretending, without me, his world will go on turning, a world that's full of happiness that I have never known.
I hope everyone is having a lovely evening, I made leaps and bounds with christmas presents today! Thinking about the end goal: Christmas holidays. I've got to get there.
love,
Jess :]
You know what's fantastic? The fact that everything in life sort of fits together, but at the same time distance and juissance take over and everything muddles and makes no sense. Why is everything so unsettling? I never feel competely safe. I think it's a part of my mentality that disregards the positivity I need in myself sometimes. I'm trying.
I wear socks because my feet get dry in the winter. It really hurts my feet, somedays I just feel like crying. Why is it unacceptable socially to cry? Why am I a crybaby because when I cry I cry for joy or sadness or pain, or for other people, or just because a time like this happens where I feel like I just need to.
I just need that release.
I'm listening to on my own from les mis, and I'm tired, and I'm trying to be positive and drink in the sunshine bs but I've seriously decided on trying to work my ass off to be better. It's going to be exhausting and I'll probably burn out, but what else can I do? I guess nothing.
I love him, but everyday I'm learning, that all my life, I've only been pretending, without me, his world will go on turning, a world that's full of happiness that I have never known.
I hope everyone is having a lovely evening, I made leaps and bounds with christmas presents today! Thinking about the end goal: Christmas holidays. I've got to get there.
love,
Jess :]
late
[three hundred, thirty-four]
Still need to write three posts today, man, oh man, man.
What's the difference of a disease?
One that drips down the back of your throat,
sticking to your insides and throttling your breaths,
Or something that sinks in, slips into your brain and
covers you whole.
What is it with things that we can't see,
and their ability to cast a shadow over our life,
maybe not a shadow, no,
but something more crippling, something unseen
unheard, but completely powerful,
something that we believe is true for science,
and medical research,
but documents and signatures are painful when it comes to
a body, a body full of life
being vacuumed of fluid and being,
so that the survival rates maintain,
and our world keeps believing in the unseen.
focus: i dunno, I'm sort of in the mood for poetry lately, I'm in the middle of mark twain's war prayer, and it's making me want to rhyme,......but....I can't, so, I just sort of write things down, this is obviously not finished, it is basically just thinking of connections. Most of what I write is never full thought, but fragments, because what is the finished product to anyone right now anyway?
love,
Jess :]
Still need to write three posts today, man, oh man, man.
What's the difference of a disease?
One that drips down the back of your throat,
sticking to your insides and throttling your breaths,
Or something that sinks in, slips into your brain and
covers you whole.
What is it with things that we can't see,
and their ability to cast a shadow over our life,
maybe not a shadow, no,
but something more crippling, something unseen
unheard, but completely powerful,
something that we believe is true for science,
and medical research,
but documents and signatures are painful when it comes to
a body, a body full of life
being vacuumed of fluid and being,
so that the survival rates maintain,
and our world keeps believing in the unseen.
focus: i dunno, I'm sort of in the mood for poetry lately, I'm in the middle of mark twain's war prayer, and it's making me want to rhyme,......but....I can't, so, I just sort of write things down, this is obviously not finished, it is basically just thinking of connections. Most of what I write is never full thought, but fragments, because what is the finished product to anyone right now anyway?
love,
Jess :]
Friday, December 2, 2011
so behind and no catching up
[three hundred, thirty-three]
This is the first out of three blogs that I need to catch up on, and I estimate that I'll get only one more done today, so I will DEFINITELY right two tomorrow. I always feel so bad when I'm behind on blogs, especially since there are no more classes. This means blogs will be my breaks from studying and therefore a good release. I don't know how creative they will be, but they will be here nonetheless.
Studying is about to be upon me, and I am nervous because I have a feeling that although it seems like I have a lot of time, I do not. I want to still have fun this weekend since classes are done, but I have four exams, and I am worried. Really worried. I think that it's best if I time manage my butt off for this weekend especially, to get everything ready that I need to in order to be successful in studying.
I have a bag full of library books behind me, and money in my pocket for brunch and dinner, and I am dressed and just need to brush my teeth really and then I'm off to campus for appointments. I have such a busy day, I wish that I had slept in a little longer, but what can ya do? I ate my advent calendor chocolates today, I've never been so excited that it's actually on a countodnw now. Christmas.
It's the best time of the year, you know, and I get to spend it with the incredible people that I love, and I am so excited. I am literally five presents away from being finished christmas shopping. The only presents left to do are ones that I have to make: three scarves and two different but special ones. I need to get going on those...
I had an epiphany today: I like the way I look. Weird, but I think I just want to be okay in my own skin, and that if this is how it's going to be, I'm going to love it, because I can't do much about it, and well, whoever I end up with and surround myself with is going to have to get used to me too, and love me for what I am. So here I am world, open for hugs.
Take care,
JEss :]
This is the first out of three blogs that I need to catch up on, and I estimate that I'll get only one more done today, so I will DEFINITELY right two tomorrow. I always feel so bad when I'm behind on blogs, especially since there are no more classes. This means blogs will be my breaks from studying and therefore a good release. I don't know how creative they will be, but they will be here nonetheless.
Studying is about to be upon me, and I am nervous because I have a feeling that although it seems like I have a lot of time, I do not. I want to still have fun this weekend since classes are done, but I have four exams, and I am worried. Really worried. I think that it's best if I time manage my butt off for this weekend especially, to get everything ready that I need to in order to be successful in studying.
I have a bag full of library books behind me, and money in my pocket for brunch and dinner, and I am dressed and just need to brush my teeth really and then I'm off to campus for appointments. I have such a busy day, I wish that I had slept in a little longer, but what can ya do? I ate my advent calendor chocolates today, I've never been so excited that it's actually on a countodnw now. Christmas.
It's the best time of the year, you know, and I get to spend it with the incredible people that I love, and I am so excited. I am literally five presents away from being finished christmas shopping. The only presents left to do are ones that I have to make: three scarves and two different but special ones. I need to get going on those...
I had an epiphany today: I like the way I look. Weird, but I think I just want to be okay in my own skin, and that if this is how it's going to be, I'm going to love it, because I can't do much about it, and well, whoever I end up with and surround myself with is going to have to get used to me too, and love me for what I am. So here I am world, open for hugs.
Take care,
JEss :]
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