[one hundred, ninety-one]
I haven't been able to sleep lately, at night I lay there and listen too much. I listen to my breathing, and listen to the house settling, and listen to all of the little noises that are usually background and insignificant, but for some reason my ears decide to pick up on them sensitively for the past couple of days, and it is unfortunately causing me to not sleep well at all, and I hope this ends soon, because honestly, I need my sleep, bad.
Don't you just love my inclusive commas? I used them a lot in that last paragraph my apologies. I've been having the weird feeling again, that wheezing, encompassing, heartfelt feeling that makes me feel like there's something missing. It is a twinge, and only happens sometimes, and really it hurts a lot when it does. I want to cry sometimes, I want to be happy and be smiling but then there's times where I'd rather stay in bed and dream again, it is like before earlier this year when I was feeling like something was missing, but it isn't as bad right now, it's almost like I'm missing something or anticipating things to change. I may hate change, and I may actually love it sometimes, but it truly isn't the best plain to be on, because it isn't well named, it isn't plain at all, it is designed and confusing and unfortunate.
I would really like to be adequetely feeling, some solid stable inbetween, average, not extreme feeling emotions that hurt or overwhelm. encompass, dripping with thoughts ideas and being. I don't like being this way. I don't like the wheezing, I don't like this.
But I like to be comfortable, and I am comfortable, here I am now, being happy, being still. I like to be still.
So take a couple minutes soon and relax, and be still, because sometimes it's nice to just be stable, to be content, just to be, in the place that you are, and be happy and not have to feel anything bad, because bad feelings isn't nice.
love,
Jess :]
Sunday, July 10, 2011
stop, hey whats that sound?
[one hundred, ninety[
Let us be frank, we know that we're different
we know that we have too mcuh on our mind
we know that we're smart and stuff
we know that you don't understand what goes on inside
we know how to count by two's and tie our shoes
we know the difference between right and wrong, usually
we know all kinds of things
like reading and spelling
and horoscopes
but most of all
we know that we can do anything,
right?
focus: i don't know, things that we know, women i guess, I'm not really a feminist, I'm more of a pro-equality kind of lady, so I suppose this could be for teenagers, or young adults, or people in university, since we're misunderstood as drones, nah, we know things, we're just taught a certain way, ya know?
love,
Jess :]
Let us be frank, we know that we're different
we know that we have too mcuh on our mind
we know that we're smart and stuff
we know that you don't understand what goes on inside
we know how to count by two's and tie our shoes
we know the difference between right and wrong, usually
we know all kinds of things
like reading and spelling
and horoscopes
but most of all
we know that we can do anything,
right?
focus: i don't know, things that we know, women i guess, I'm not really a feminist, I'm more of a pro-equality kind of lady, so I suppose this could be for teenagers, or young adults, or people in university, since we're misunderstood as drones, nah, we know things, we're just taught a certain way, ya know?
love,
Jess :]
Friday, July 8, 2011
let's write write for our life
[one hundred, eighty-nine]
I need to write an essay in an hour in about twenty minutes, and I really hope that it works out and I will be able to actually write the entire first draft and not get halfway through. I am also debating on what to have for dinner, possibly eggs and some carrots, I think that sounds delectable.
I hate people who drive, because they're all obnoxious and in a hurry. If you have an issue with pedestrians, take a day being legally blind and then get back up on your high horse and try to not wait, just try it. Also, I desire to ride the bus alone, maybe I'll try that next week? I think it's a good idea, will save money on cabs...That suck.
I hate cabs, because it is always so silent in the backseat, and in the ebent that the driver actually does talk, it's always so forced and awkward, and it is an expensive drive home to say the least. It is the way I must be transported, however, so I guess I shall be used to it ebentually.
I am going to the beach for the weekend, so I'm going to tan and go swimming and things, and it will be a marvelous break! This means I need to catch up on my blog posts again on Sunday, so, I will actually do that. I am in a good mood, could really use a relaxing long drive though, which will be achieved this evening! But alas I must end this random mixed post and begin to write this essay! Hurray!
Take care,
Jess :]
I need to write an essay in an hour in about twenty minutes, and I really hope that it works out and I will be able to actually write the entire first draft and not get halfway through. I am also debating on what to have for dinner, possibly eggs and some carrots, I think that sounds delectable.
I hate people who drive, because they're all obnoxious and in a hurry. If you have an issue with pedestrians, take a day being legally blind and then get back up on your high horse and try to not wait, just try it. Also, I desire to ride the bus alone, maybe I'll try that next week? I think it's a good idea, will save money on cabs...That suck.
I hate cabs, because it is always so silent in the backseat, and in the ebent that the driver actually does talk, it's always so forced and awkward, and it is an expensive drive home to say the least. It is the way I must be transported, however, so I guess I shall be used to it ebentually.
I am going to the beach for the weekend, so I'm going to tan and go swimming and things, and it will be a marvelous break! This means I need to catch up on my blog posts again on Sunday, so, I will actually do that. I am in a good mood, could really use a relaxing long drive though, which will be achieved this evening! But alas I must end this random mixed post and begin to write this essay! Hurray!
Take care,
Jess :]
Thursday, July 7, 2011
shake me like a leaf i fall down too
[one hundred, eighty-eight]
I hate it sometimes, you know, that I feel different and am different and I have to deal with things differently. I don't like that I have to fight for everything, I don't like that I have disadvantages, but most of all, I don't like that I'm not the only one who has to go through this.
I will fight for this.
I want to see Harry Potter the midnight show in a week, it's the final installment, and it is only showing in theatres in 3-D. Now those of you who have two eyes may enjoy this fad that makes things look as if they are coming out of the screen at yo' face, but I do not appreciate the technique, never have, never will. It looks incredibly fuzzy to me, and ruins the movie, and there is no second option. So I have to see it, my final installment, my final seventh of my childhood, in a fuzzy haze through the one-sided fuzzy blunt trashed haze that I already see out of.
I called Galazy cinemas today to see if I would be able to choose my seats before everyone else like I did last year, wait in line for hours and then stay at the front of the line so that I could have relatively first pick. The manager, who was an asshole, completely blew me off, told me there was nothing he could do. Needless to say I hung up on him, and I shall update you later on if my mother and I can milk this company until I can possibly reserve seats. This is important to me, this is my passion in life, or part of it, and it is already being ruined by the 3-D, now they're taking away my ability to see any of the movie at all.
So that's it for now, that's why today sort of ended with a tuck roll into a wall. I spent the day with the kids at a museum, and I love the kids, and they're beautiful and smart and funny, and caring and lovely, and they are just the best things in my life right now. I smile everytime they smile. There is a boy who held my hand today and thanked me for riding the bus with him, and I started to cry. This little boy is my inspiration to get up at seven am and live with the day.
Take care, everyone, love always,
Jess :]
I hate it sometimes, you know, that I feel different and am different and I have to deal with things differently. I don't like that I have to fight for everything, I don't like that I have disadvantages, but most of all, I don't like that I'm not the only one who has to go through this.
I will fight for this.
I want to see Harry Potter the midnight show in a week, it's the final installment, and it is only showing in theatres in 3-D. Now those of you who have two eyes may enjoy this fad that makes things look as if they are coming out of the screen at yo' face, but I do not appreciate the technique, never have, never will. It looks incredibly fuzzy to me, and ruins the movie, and there is no second option. So I have to see it, my final installment, my final seventh of my childhood, in a fuzzy haze through the one-sided fuzzy blunt trashed haze that I already see out of.
I called Galazy cinemas today to see if I would be able to choose my seats before everyone else like I did last year, wait in line for hours and then stay at the front of the line so that I could have relatively first pick. The manager, who was an asshole, completely blew me off, told me there was nothing he could do. Needless to say I hung up on him, and I shall update you later on if my mother and I can milk this company until I can possibly reserve seats. This is important to me, this is my passion in life, or part of it, and it is already being ruined by the 3-D, now they're taking away my ability to see any of the movie at all.
So that's it for now, that's why today sort of ended with a tuck roll into a wall. I spent the day with the kids at a museum, and I love the kids, and they're beautiful and smart and funny, and caring and lovely, and they are just the best things in my life right now. I smile everytime they smile. There is a boy who held my hand today and thanked me for riding the bus with him, and I started to cry. This little boy is my inspiration to get up at seven am and live with the day.
Take care, everyone, love always,
Jess :]
lawls
[one hundred, eighty-seven[
their little hands pinch my fingertips with effort,
they step with effort, they jump with ease but it
is anything but
effortless
their little eyes move over things softly seeing through
appearances are irrelevant, like hurricanes to the wind,
like towels to the ocean, like life without love,
but they don't think of it
things they can't say but mute as the colours are
they laugh and smile like you do
and we do, and we do don't we?
and they do.
if they shook more it would sink to the bottom
their breathing life and grasp
but they hold on, holding on,
although their hands may not work and others too
they can and they will do
focus: the little cups of love I work with
their little hands pinch my fingertips with effort,
they step with effort, they jump with ease but it
is anything but
effortless
their little eyes move over things softly seeing through
appearances are irrelevant, like hurricanes to the wind,
like towels to the ocean, like life without love,
but they don't think of it
things they can't say but mute as the colours are
they laugh and smile like you do
and we do, and we do don't we?
and they do.
if they shook more it would sink to the bottom
their breathing life and grasp
but they hold on, holding on,
although their hands may not work and others too
they can and they will do
focus: the little cups of love I work with
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
It feels over, though
[one hundred, eighty-six]
If I can be frank, I have this soft feeling of elation that comes when you truly believe that everything will be okay. I know that my life has been rapids, but it is a day-to-day mindset that's organised and wrapped with love that I can really grasp the fact that, apart from things that are uncontrollable and full of evil, I am okay.
I am okay, I am fine, I am better than okay and fine, I am actually, finally, good.
Good.
Things are swell, actually, I need to focus on some small things, some satisfactory minor details that sort of hinder my good mood sometimes, my stresses, the hooks in my skin that pull me back to the anziety spiral. I don't think perfection or normalcy is attainable, but to be honest I like the way I am, I like how I act and my actions and words my speaking that makes no sense, but people seem to think that some things are tangible in their states with me, and apparently some of those things are necessary in order to be alright and solid in my relationship with those people.
Sheesh, parents.
Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderufl evening, I'm absolutely thrilled that I am caught up finally on all of these, after the computer disaster last week and the busy-ness that I have taken on so recently, I am marvelling that I have finished@
Have a beautiful night!
Jess :]
If I can be frank, I have this soft feeling of elation that comes when you truly believe that everything will be okay. I know that my life has been rapids, but it is a day-to-day mindset that's organised and wrapped with love that I can really grasp the fact that, apart from things that are uncontrollable and full of evil, I am okay.
I am okay, I am fine, I am better than okay and fine, I am actually, finally, good.
Good.
Things are swell, actually, I need to focus on some small things, some satisfactory minor details that sort of hinder my good mood sometimes, my stresses, the hooks in my skin that pull me back to the anziety spiral. I don't think perfection or normalcy is attainable, but to be honest I like the way I am, I like how I act and my actions and words my speaking that makes no sense, but people seem to think that some things are tangible in their states with me, and apparently some of those things are necessary in order to be alright and solid in my relationship with those people.
Sheesh, parents.
Anyways, I hope everyone has a wonderufl evening, I'm absolutely thrilled that I am caught up finally on all of these, after the computer disaster last week and the busy-ness that I have taken on so recently, I am marvelling that I have finished@
Have a beautiful night!
Jess :]
sur la tete
[one hundred, eighty-five]
eight/eight
I haven't talked much about anything heartfelt lately, they've all been short catch-up's, and this isn't even officially Tuesday's post, but I thought I should post a little love and devotion today, or something of the sort.
If you know me you know a little about my deal, my way of thinking, my spirituality, my open-ness and my policy of complete and total love of everything and anyone, and that I am accepting and can take anything you can throw at me, because I have nerves of steal like that.
One thing I don't appreciate is inequality, and that's a stance I take strongly. I'm not a feminist, I am pro=equality. I want everyone in the world to have an equal chance at education, love, rights, payment, food even, the normal, attainable, mundane things that we in a developed middle power take for granted. It bothers me when people hate.
I hate your hate we hate the hate, hata.
I've met some people recently who have reminded me how much, although I do have an open acceptance policy and an endless well of love, that my fire can burn out easilly when it comes to intollerance, sexism, and descrimination. I am ashamed to say that some people closer to me than anyone knows, and new friends, old favourites, etc. have completely and totally let me down on that front. Don't knock it before you try it.
It almost brings me to tears thinking about certain things, things about the world that I can't change... If there's anything I could do, but I'm useless.
And I ruin everything, so I figure that just caring about everyone and anyone in general is probably sufficient.
So if you love or hate, take a minnu today to look out the effing window, stop being absorbed in your own interests in life, and care about something else for once.
yup,
Jess :]
eight/eight
I haven't talked much about anything heartfelt lately, they've all been short catch-up's, and this isn't even officially Tuesday's post, but I thought I should post a little love and devotion today, or something of the sort.
If you know me you know a little about my deal, my way of thinking, my spirituality, my open-ness and my policy of complete and total love of everything and anyone, and that I am accepting and can take anything you can throw at me, because I have nerves of steal like that.
One thing I don't appreciate is inequality, and that's a stance I take strongly. I'm not a feminist, I am pro=equality. I want everyone in the world to have an equal chance at education, love, rights, payment, food even, the normal, attainable, mundane things that we in a developed middle power take for granted. It bothers me when people hate.
I hate your hate we hate the hate, hata.
I've met some people recently who have reminded me how much, although I do have an open acceptance policy and an endless well of love, that my fire can burn out easilly when it comes to intollerance, sexism, and descrimination. I am ashamed to say that some people closer to me than anyone knows, and new friends, old favourites, etc. have completely and totally let me down on that front. Don't knock it before you try it.
It almost brings me to tears thinking about certain things, things about the world that I can't change... If there's anything I could do, but I'm useless.
And I ruin everything, so I figure that just caring about everyone and anyone in general is probably sufficient.
So if you love or hate, take a minnu today to look out the effing window, stop being absorbed in your own interests in life, and care about something else for once.
yup,
Jess :]
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