[one]
Hello, and welcome to the new and improved me. As I type, I read my words in a British accent, be warned, I'm sort of a freak now.
Here it is, I've decided, if you really want to actually look into my insanity, as here I sort of glazed over it (if you can believe it):
www.probablydrytoast.blogspot.com
And well, I am planning on posting a bit of my insane long writing rage from the summer, or atleast going over it a bit to workshop it. I feel like I uncovered a lot from this blog, but this is the last post.
Love always,
Jess
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sunday, December 25, 2011
the end
[three hundred, sixty-five]
And they all lived happily ever after.
I'm going to live happily, that's for sure. I am a better person because of this project, because I stuck with it for the entire year, and because I opened my head and heart to these web pages. I like the way it feels to write something confusing and unique, something for me. I am individuality within my own head, so everyone can shove it if they don't like it. I'm not looking for compliments, I'm just looking for peace of mind.
If there was something lasting that I would like to leave this blog with, it is to put yourself out there. I said a lot of things in the past year here, I went through massive changes in my left, peoplke have gone and come, and will stay, and I intend on continuing to write intimate things elsewhere. I may post in the new year what my new blog is, but I may not. It was fun, amazing, enlightening, but it was a resolution. I will read over these and be proud of myself, because I did this for me.
No one else.
So thank you for reading (if you have) and thanks to this website that's been beaten and lyric-ed on, cried over and gushed on. Everything I've said here is honest and true, and full of love and passion and anything else I could muster. Thank you for the peace that has come here, and I wish you the best with your future. Don't ever forget that you're worth it, and I love you, and there are amazing things in your future. Don't forget that you are special, and to smile.
Always, always smile.
I like your face,
Jess :]
And they all lived happily ever after.
I'm going to live happily, that's for sure. I am a better person because of this project, because I stuck with it for the entire year, and because I opened my head and heart to these web pages. I like the way it feels to write something confusing and unique, something for me. I am individuality within my own head, so everyone can shove it if they don't like it. I'm not looking for compliments, I'm just looking for peace of mind.
If there was something lasting that I would like to leave this blog with, it is to put yourself out there. I said a lot of things in the past year here, I went through massive changes in my left, peoplke have gone and come, and will stay, and I intend on continuing to write intimate things elsewhere. I may post in the new year what my new blog is, but I may not. It was fun, amazing, enlightening, but it was a resolution. I will read over these and be proud of myself, because I did this for me.
No one else.
So thank you for reading (if you have) and thanks to this website that's been beaten and lyric-ed on, cried over and gushed on. Everything I've said here is honest and true, and full of love and passion and anything else I could muster. Thank you for the peace that has come here, and I wish you the best with your future. Don't ever forget that you're worth it, and I love you, and there are amazing things in your future. Don't forget that you are special, and to smile.
Always, always smile.
I like your face,
Jess :]
writing my titles before i start writing the blog was a good idea?
[three hundred, sixty-four]
Today is Christmas day. It was a very good day, despite the lack of sleep and disruptions last night. I've watched more movies with my family in the past two days than I have all year, and good happy meals, and conversations and laughs, which is impressive and surprising. Today was a good day, and we leave for Costa Rica in seven hours. I just want to relax and not worry about anything until the new year, and that is the plan.
I love Christmas because it brings together all kinds of emotions and moments that should happen year-round, but are confined to christmas. Family time, good meals, gifts, good music, dancing, laughter, every one of these things are important in my life. Christmas is important to me because I feel like smiling all day everyday. I don't need to be talked to or paid attention to, just a lovely little atmosphere to spend my time in.
When I grow up I am going to be the cheeriest Christmasteer of all, and just decorate, sing, and love my way through the holidays.
I hate that body image is a huge thing too, by the way. I eat healthy, but I treat myself. I'm not a sixe two, but I don't hate the way I look. Why don't more peopoe like the way I look?
I'm almost done.
love,
Jess :]
Today is Christmas day. It was a very good day, despite the lack of sleep and disruptions last night. I've watched more movies with my family in the past two days than I have all year, and good happy meals, and conversations and laughs, which is impressive and surprising. Today was a good day, and we leave for Costa Rica in seven hours. I just want to relax and not worry about anything until the new year, and that is the plan.
I love Christmas because it brings together all kinds of emotions and moments that should happen year-round, but are confined to christmas. Family time, good meals, gifts, good music, dancing, laughter, every one of these things are important in my life. Christmas is important to me because I feel like smiling all day everyday. I don't need to be talked to or paid attention to, just a lovely little atmosphere to spend my time in.
When I grow up I am going to be the cheeriest Christmasteer of all, and just decorate, sing, and love my way through the holidays.
I hate that body image is a huge thing too, by the way. I eat healthy, but I treat myself. I'm not a sixe two, but I don't hate the way I look. Why don't more peopoe like the way I look?
I'm almost done.
love,
Jess :]
Saturday, December 24, 2011
almost done my blog
[three hundred, SIXTY-THREE]
Restless and unsettled, no home, but comfortable and happy. I didn't fail my coursss, I actually did better than I wanted to somehow. I have amazing friends, a great family, a wonderful boyfriend, two houses, five homes, teddy bears and a big nice bed to sleep in. I have a beautiful trip tomorrow to Costa Rica to get tanned and relax and swim, and I just feel like regardless of the hard darkness that plagues me, I still need aviators to block out the light.
Because I'm badass.
I can't wait for the new batman movie, it's actually insane. Also, have you ever heard 'almost hear your sigh' by the rolling stones? Have I mentioned it before? It's my favourite. It is Christmas tomorrow morning and I don't think I will be able to sleep. I turn twenty in A MONTH from today and I am going to be old, but I am going to be happy.
When I grow up? I want to be happy.
So far relatively good, so I'm good with that. I think twenty will be a big deal, but at the same time I'm going to be embarking on a huge adventure. When I grow up I want to be an adventurer. I think I text too much, my new year's resolution is to rely less on my phone. I don't know how well that will be accomplished, but I am going to try!
Wow, I think Santa's about to arrive, I NEED TO SLEEP NOW OR HE WON'T BRING MY PRESNTS AND I WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS. I should write a christmas play and become famous like the guy who wrote the nutcracker, except more famous than him...since I don't know his name Lhehe. Wow, seriously, sleeping.
I am happy I only have two more blogs to write for this blog, and I am so proud of myself.
LOVE, ALWAYS,
JESS ]
Restless and unsettled, no home, but comfortable and happy. I didn't fail my coursss, I actually did better than I wanted to somehow. I have amazing friends, a great family, a wonderful boyfriend, two houses, five homes, teddy bears and a big nice bed to sleep in. I have a beautiful trip tomorrow to Costa Rica to get tanned and relax and swim, and I just feel like regardless of the hard darkness that plagues me, I still need aviators to block out the light.
Because I'm badass.
I can't wait for the new batman movie, it's actually insane. Also, have you ever heard 'almost hear your sigh' by the rolling stones? Have I mentioned it before? It's my favourite. It is Christmas tomorrow morning and I don't think I will be able to sleep. I turn twenty in A MONTH from today and I am going to be old, but I am going to be happy.
When I grow up? I want to be happy.
So far relatively good, so I'm good with that. I think twenty will be a big deal, but at the same time I'm going to be embarking on a huge adventure. When I grow up I want to be an adventurer. I think I text too much, my new year's resolution is to rely less on my phone. I don't know how well that will be accomplished, but I am going to try!
Wow, I think Santa's about to arrive, I NEED TO SLEEP NOW OR HE WON'T BRING MY PRESNTS AND I WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS. I should write a christmas play and become famous like the guy who wrote the nutcracker, except more famous than him...since I don't know his name Lhehe. Wow, seriously, sleeping.
I am happy I only have two more blogs to write for this blog, and I am so proud of myself.
LOVE, ALWAYS,
JESS ]
love and joy
[three hundred, sixty-two]
lock me in your arms and let your heart
beat me to sleep,
my drowsiness clings to your breaths,
my arms cling to your dreams in fear of
being left alone in
fairytales that begin with something other
than once upon a time,
'cause you and i babe,
we begin with inbetween,
no prince, no princess, no interuptions,
only adventure clink adventure linked together
comfortably.
focus: him.
I love you.
always,
Jess :]
lock me in your arms and let your heart
beat me to sleep,
my drowsiness clings to your breaths,
my arms cling to your dreams in fear of
being left alone in
fairytales that begin with something other
than once upon a time,
'cause you and i babe,
we begin with inbetween,
no prince, no princess, no interuptions,
only adventure clink adventure linked together
comfortably.
focus: him.
I love you.
always,
Jess :]
my boyfriend bought me socks for christmas
and they're actually amazing.
pthree hundred, sixty-one]
Sleigh bells are ringing, I can actually hear them, he's real it is true, he's here to bring presents for me and for you and if you tell me otherwise then it will only be true for me and not you!
I'd love to tell you that the darkness goes away. I think that for me, over my emotional rollercoaster over the past seven years through adolescence, boyfriends, highschool, surgeries, family, everything has just added up to a marble slab of a life that I am actually proud of. I do not regret anything since I learned from it and I have become the person I am because of it, but it has not all been roses, I haven't been strong forever, and I still have times where I'd rather just stay in the black.
But there is light. Come on, it's me, I can hardly swe, there are worse things and I know that nobody cares to hear that but your life does not suck, but it's funny because I knoew that the dark doesn't just come to the blind or the weak, it comes to strong, loving caring beautiful people who do not deserve it. It is hard to dig yourself out of the dark, and even though tunnel vision allows little light to come through it is still there, and it is bright, but the dark...comes back.
I know.
You need to find something, anything, someone, a hobby, love, anything, that will encourage you to embrace the light for the majority of the time. It is hard, and I still don't have a stable helper that gets me through, but I have little things. I wathc movies, the same ones, over and over and it helps so much. I blast music and sleep it off. I do massive amounts of yoga and meditating. I snuggle with good people. I call my mom and talk about the weather, and tons more that if one thing doesn't do it for me I move on to the next on my list, but even those don't work all the time.
So sit with the feeling. How terrible is that? Almost as bad as 'just jump off the cliff,' but I stand by this advice. Sit in your darkness, have a good long chat with it, understand it, and grow to dislike it, motivate yourself out of the cave, mobilize your shovel and start to get yourself out. If you need people, find them, they have shovels. My Reindeedr Club of Fabulous have glue guns for me, but I have a utility belt of shovels and lazer beams scotch tape bandaids positivity seeds anything anyone else needs.
I'm all ears, and love.
So don't be afraid to take a risk, but never think that the end of your life is before the actual end. what a easte.
love,
Jess :]
pthree hundred, sixty-one]
Sleigh bells are ringing, I can actually hear them, he's real it is true, he's here to bring presents for me and for you and if you tell me otherwise then it will only be true for me and not you!
I'd love to tell you that the darkness goes away. I think that for me, over my emotional rollercoaster over the past seven years through adolescence, boyfriends, highschool, surgeries, family, everything has just added up to a marble slab of a life that I am actually proud of. I do not regret anything since I learned from it and I have become the person I am because of it, but it has not all been roses, I haven't been strong forever, and I still have times where I'd rather just stay in the black.
But there is light. Come on, it's me, I can hardly swe, there are worse things and I know that nobody cares to hear that but your life does not suck, but it's funny because I knoew that the dark doesn't just come to the blind or the weak, it comes to strong, loving caring beautiful people who do not deserve it. It is hard to dig yourself out of the dark, and even though tunnel vision allows little light to come through it is still there, and it is bright, but the dark...comes back.
I know.
You need to find something, anything, someone, a hobby, love, anything, that will encourage you to embrace the light for the majority of the time. It is hard, and I still don't have a stable helper that gets me through, but I have little things. I wathc movies, the same ones, over and over and it helps so much. I blast music and sleep it off. I do massive amounts of yoga and meditating. I snuggle with good people. I call my mom and talk about the weather, and tons more that if one thing doesn't do it for me I move on to the next on my list, but even those don't work all the time.
So sit with the feeling. How terrible is that? Almost as bad as 'just jump off the cliff,' but I stand by this advice. Sit in your darkness, have a good long chat with it, understand it, and grow to dislike it, motivate yourself out of the cave, mobilize your shovel and start to get yourself out. If you need people, find them, they have shovels. My Reindeedr Club of Fabulous have glue guns for me, but I have a utility belt of shovels and lazer beams scotch tape bandaids positivity seeds anything anyone else needs.
I'm all ears, and love.
So don't be afraid to take a risk, but never think that the end of your life is before the actual end. what a easte.
love,
Jess :]
FIVE GOLDEN RINGS
[three hundred, sixty]
To Mac or to stay Pc? That is the question.
I have been a pc since..well, since computers were available, since I was tall enough to sit in the computer chair in like 1998 and type letters, but lately I've been feeling a change coming. It's the slowness, the breakdowns, the over heating, the everything. I want something sleeek, shiny, new.
But I hardly know anything about computers, and I do love my computer right now, it has character and is mine and it has been for nearly two years now, but it's not a Mac. I feel silly saying these things, but I think I'm ready. Just something smaller, compact, something that.. Well, I don't know, it seems cool. I'll have to try it out of course, but it sure would be interesting!
That's my debate lately, that's what is ruffling my feathers and is on my mind. I'd love to just go to the apple store and sit in there for an hour and play with one, see if it would fit for me, but I do not have the time. Maybe after the trip, that would be a fun afternoon! Any takers?
My life is so boring.
Jess :]
To Mac or to stay Pc? That is the question.
I have been a pc since..well, since computers were available, since I was tall enough to sit in the computer chair in like 1998 and type letters, but lately I've been feeling a change coming. It's the slowness, the breakdowns, the over heating, the everything. I want something sleeek, shiny, new.
But I hardly know anything about computers, and I do love my computer right now, it has character and is mine and it has been for nearly two years now, but it's not a Mac. I feel silly saying these things, but I think I'm ready. Just something smaller, compact, something that.. Well, I don't know, it seems cool. I'll have to try it out of course, but it sure would be interesting!
That's my debate lately, that's what is ruffling my feathers and is on my mind. I'd love to just go to the apple store and sit in there for an hour and play with one, see if it would fit for me, but I do not have the time. Maybe after the trip, that would be a fun afternoon! Any takers?
My life is so boring.
Jess :]
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